THE ACTIVIST MOM

Jodie Patterson, author of Born Ready: The True Story of a Boy Named Penelope and The Bold World: A Memoir of Family and Transformation, on loving our children who don’t fit into a box.

I’m a native New Yorker. I grew up on the Upper West Side of Manhattan in the 1970s in a family of activists. Both my mother and father were entrenched in the Civil Rights Movement; my grandmother was Gloria Blackwell and was called “Mrs. Revolution” because she won court cases to desegregate America. My father opened the first Black brokerage firm in Wall Street to fight economic injustice. My mother founded a private school in Harlem for Black families. My uncle, jazz poet Gil Scott-Heron, wrote the song “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.”

In other words, I was raised by changemakers. Their work was so prevalent and ultimately shaped my perspective on discrimination to this day. I learned that loving and supporting people for who they are, rather than how society labels them, was important.

Still, as a parent, I discovered that I, in fact, held biases. I have five children and they all are nonconforming: trans; genderqueer; straight; adopted; suffering from addiction; ADHD; introverted; anime lovers—yes, we are an assorted bunch!

Each child is different, but I want to focus on gender identity because it is still confusing for so many people. I learned an important life lesson from one of my kids. By the age of 3, my child was struggling: nail biting and having recurring nightmares. They would say, “A monster is coming to get me, Mama.” We tried everything: more love, a cleaner diet, longer naps—and really nothing was working.

One day, we sat cross-legged on the floor and face to face, and I asked, “Baby, what’s really wrong?” They told me: “Everyone thinks I’m a girl, but I’m not. I am a boy.”

At first, it was confusing, as I had considered all sorts of inequities, but I had never considered that gender, as an idea, could be dissected. But luckily I had an upbringing that taught me to be emotionally and intellectually flexible in the face of dogmatic ideologies. That skill helped me lean into believing, accepting and ultimately supporting what my child was telling me. That ferocious support is what I give to all my children.

Just as the world needs to understand the trans experience, we also need to understand all the ways in which our children differ from the “norm.” But here’s the tough part: It’s hard to support things we know nothing about. It was important for me to educate myself. I didn’t know enough about the trans experience. So I reached out to people and organizations in the LGBTQAI community, made new and diverse friends, expanded my world, so I would no longer be ignorant. Do I fully know the intricate life of a trans person? Ultimately, no, but here is what I do know and what I tell my kids: “Where you go I will follow, what you know I will learn, who you are, I will support.” It’s a mantra that provides strength and assurance when I feel at sea as a mom.

As our families become more diverse—whether those families are chosen, work, boardroom or born to us—it’s going to be important that leaders of the family (mother, father, head of the class, CEO) be flexible and open. As a leader of your team of people, it’s your responsibility to learn new languages, to meet each family member where they are, not where you think they should be. As a parent, I realize I cannot fix everything, or make life nice, but I can walk with them in life. Side by side. The goal is to find out how diverse your family is, to seek out the diversity. Ask them about themselves, share something unpredictable about yourself, believe them and support them. And know it’s a marathon.

—As told to Donna Bulseco

“HERE IS WHAT I TELL MY KIDS: ‘WHERE YOU GO, I WILL FOLLOW, WHAT YOU KNOW, I WILL LEARN. WHO YOU ARE, I WILL SUPPORT.’”