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SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS

Grand Theft Autocrat I’m a 29-year-old straight woman, and I recently started dating this guy I really like. The only issue is he seems a bit controlling. For example, he always wants to pick the restaurant and which TV show we watch. While I’m generally pretty go with the flow, it seems like I never choose what we’re doing. It’s one thing to pick the restaurant, but I worry that he might be like this with bigger things (like if we got a place together or got married). Should I be worried? —Unsure know.” This comes through their gradual isolation from friends and family and losing touch with their opinions, desires, and values, including their ability to discern what is right and wrong. Their abuser (who research finds can be male or female) often resorts to intimate partner violence when coercive control of their victim fails, like if he or she shows a flash of independent thought. In a healthy relationship, a person does not get erased, their perspective never taken into account. Healthy relationships are interdependent. Though one partner might not agree with

It’s important to the other’s every belief have a boyfriend who and idea, they generalshows interest in your point of view, idealAmy Alkon ly respect each other’s thinking and are open ly beyond, “Are your arm restraints a to their suggestions. Marriage researchlittle tight?” er John Gottman describes this as part-

But before we start measuring you ners accepting each other’s “influence.” for your “Handmaid’s Tale” bonnet, This mutual influencing seems to consider whether there’s a non-creepy, make for more satisfying romantic non-control freakish reason the guy partnerships with more staying powwants to choose the dining establish- er, explains Gottman: “Men who allow ment and the entertainment. Is he their wives to influence them have hapsome extreme foodie who pores over pier marriages and are less likely to restaurant reviews and follows chefs divorce than men who resist their wives’ like other guys follow baseball players, influence. Statistically speaking, when a while you’re simply a chick who likes man is not willing to share power with to eat out? his partner, there is an 81 percent chance

By the way, I’ve personally horrified his marriage will self-destruct.” some waitresses who’ve overheard me Women tend to be higher in a “pleasasking my boyfriend to tell me what I er” personality trait, “agreeableness,” should order. I do this not because I which, on a positive note, manifests in am some shell of a person and have no being warm, kind, generous, and motiopinions but because I got tired of hav- vated to have positive interactions with ing food envy when our dinners came. others. On a darker note, it can make a I realized my boyfriend is some sort of woman with a dominant partner more culinary sniffer dog, using mere words likely to do as she’s told. That said, your on a menu to divine the tastiest, most feelings are not the boss of you, and you exciting entree, much like tracking can simply decide to override them and dogs use an old sweatshirt to sniff their assert yourself: Have opinions, make way to a buried dead body. decisions, and stand up for yourself.

However, save for the few areas one’s Accordingly, your interactions partner has special expertise, there are with this man should be driven by the things in a relationship that can be out- understanding that you are his equal in sourced, and your decision-making the relationship, not his subordinate. should not be one of them. You create To see whether he’s up for an equal who you are through your choices, and partnership -- a girlfriend rather than a if you make no choices, there’s no “you.” female serf -- tell him you don’t think

The elimination by a partner of the it’s healthy for you or the relationship need for you to have an opinion could for him to make all the decisions. Going be the beginnings of “coercive control.” forward, you want shared responsibilThis is a term by sociologist Evan Stark ity for decision-making. For your part for an insidious form of subjugation in in this, you need to take responsibila relationship that an abuser uses to ity: Assert yourself by asserting your dominate and control their partner. It’s opinions and desires when there are a gradual psychological hostage-taking, decisions to be made. This is how you breaking down a person’s independent create a healthy relationship instead self, their concept of reality, and their of a two-person totalitarian state -- ability to make decisions for themselves. complete with a “Gulag Sweet Home”

Victims of coercive control suffer needlepoint and where mundane ques“perspecticide,” which Stark describes tions like, “How was your day?” kick off as a loss of the ability to “know what you your Soviet show trial.