Column 79 - Real Estate BECOME A

A COLUMN THAT FOSTERS DEEPER LOVE BETWEEN COUPLES Gotta Talk in Bend

By Dr. Jane Guyn Bringing up “the talk,” but not knowing how to do it

Dear Dr. Jane,

My wife and I have had problems with intimacy for years. The last time we had sex was early in 2021. I know that we need to have “The Talk” but I have no idea how to bring up the topic of intimacy without making things even more awkward between us. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I need to tell my wife that I can’t just keep going without affection. So how do I start that conversation?

-Gotta Talk in Bend

Dear Gotta,

You’re not alone in this. I get this question all the time in my work with individuals, couples and groups. When sex isn’t working in your relationship, it can feel very difficult to have meaningful conversations about the problem. It only gets worse as time passes, so you’re best off braving the awkwardness now instead of waiting.

Here’s how this conversation goes when it’s not going well.

HIM: Wonderful news - another month passed and we didn’t do it.

HER: Is that right? I didn’t realize. I’ve been busy lately with everything.

HIM: Preparing for houseguests? Well, at least the laundry gets done. And we have food. Yay.

HER: You never appreciate what I do, but whatever.

HIM: Maybe you could do me once in a while. I guess sex with me is a chore. Low on the list.

HER: Sex with you isn’t a chore.

HIM: I don’t want you to do it as a duty. Makes me feel terrible.

HER: I’ve been under a lot of stress.

HIM: You always make excuses. We need to talk.

HER: We can set up another conversation where you tell me how inadequate I am.

HIM: I’m not saying you’re inadequate. I just need things to change.

HER: Last time we talked about this was was during our counseling session. That was terrible.

Here are a few tips that’ll help you make this tough conversation as easy as possible. -Use the word “we” instead of “me” or “you” as much as possible. The goal of this conversation should be about the growth of your relationship as a couple rather than about your partner’s sexual issues. -Talk about affection, and intimacy - not just the physical act of sex. When your partner thinks you’re only interested in sexual gratification, instead of loving and connecting, they’ll feel hurt and resentful. -Ask your partner how they feel about your sex life. Ask if there’s anything in your relationship dynamic that’s created barriers for them.

Ask how they feel about the quality of the sex you have.

-Reflect on your own contributions to the Issue. Intimacy is always something that’s created by both of you. You might be the higher libido partner in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean that your partner is completely to blame for the way things have been going.

-Try to understand the circumstances your partner’s facing. Maybe there are things that they need help with. But, don’t do chores or other acts of service just to get sex. These things are separate. Both have the possibility to increase satisfaction in your marriage, but a direct exchange of chores for sex seldom works out the way it’s intended.

People sometimes suggest having the conversation in the presence of a trained professional. But sometimes the lower libido partner feels ambushed if you bring it up during a therapy session. You’ll have to decide what works best in your relationship.

Just make sure that you have privacy and plenty of time to share. Try to listen without interrupting. Make an agreement to put away your phones and any other distraction - like fur babies or work issues.

Wherever or whenever you have The Talk, your way of approaching your partner’s feelings and thoughts about sexual intimacy will make a big difference in how things turn out between you. Try to be non-judgmental and open. Focus on the purpose of your communication - to grow closer as a couple.

Having The Talk is just the first step. It’s not a single conversation. When things are going well, talking about intimacy is an experience of communication that starts now and continues for the rest of your lives.

Xoxo, Dr. Jane

-Richard Sitts has been the copy editor of the Source Weekly since 2014.

Coming to work at the Source years ago seemed like a natural career progression for me, having worked in a multitude of newsrooms across the country, from a group of New York City community weeklies to the daily Albuquerque Tribune.

Like all the other newspapers I’ve worked for, the Source has had a revolving cast of characters, mostly fine, talented folks. But for some time now, the Source has enjoyed a solid, top-notch team of professionals bringing you the news and entertainment each week. It looks like a bright, promising future for the Source beginning its next 25 years.

3151 NE WELLS ACRES, BEND 97701 • $519,000

19335 MOHAWK ROAD, BEND 97702 • $600,000

20436 CLAY PIGEON, BEND 97702 • $795,995

64170 PIONEER LOOP, BEND 97701 • $899,995

NEW LISTING

Cozy 3 bedroom 2 bath Palmer home located in a quiet NE Bend neighborhood. This charming light and bright home features refinished hardwood floors throughout, newer carpet, and high-end laminate floors in bathrooms were replaced within the last year. Fully fenced with larger access to back yard on left side of home and mature trees. This home is a great opportunity for investors or a first-time home buyer.

Nestled among the pines in Deschutes River Woods, this property is just under an acre. Take in the views from the front porch or enjoy the private backyard among the mature trees. This single level, stick built home has vaulted ceilings, new carpets, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. The backyard is fully fenced and features a large ~200 sq ft shed. Come see this great home in a serene part of DRW with east access to the National Forest.

Modern ranch style home on oversized fully fenced/ landscaped corner lot with mature trees. Featuring open floor plan with many windows, allowing for plenty of natural light. The luxurious kitchen includes high-end stainless-steel appliances, quartz counter tops throughout, including waterfall island, soft close drawers, tile back splash. The oversized primary suite boasts dual walk-in closets, dual vanities, giant tile to ceiling shower with soaking tub, dual shower head with body sprayers. This home is great for entertaining with a large covered paver patio that included a gas and wood fireplace that is fully vented. The home includes a full surround sound system both inside and outside.

Secluded and private, this small acreage property has a park like setting with plenty of mature trees, conveniently located close to Bend and Redmond. This single level 3 bedroom 2 bath, 1622 sqft ranch style home, features open floor plan with vaulted ceilings. A large primary suite featuring numerous windows and vaulted ceilings. The primary bathroom includes dual vanities. An oversized deck looks outs over the property and a detached garage/shop features an insulated 12 ft garage door, with an additional 400 sqft art studio located on the second floor. The property includes 3.72 acres of COID irrigation irrigated by an underground system, a 20,000 gallon cistern, tool shed, chicken coup, and 400 amp service to the property.

NEW LISTING

NEW LISTING

OPEN SAT 11-1 AND SUNDAY 12-2

NEW LISTING

OPEN SAT 2-4

TAKE ME HOME By James Keane, Broker Windermere The Return of Inventory

In the ever-shifting real estate market, a return to more “normal”

Some interesting things are starting to happen in the Bend real estate market as we head full speed into the typical “busy season.” This year we have seen a massive shift as the year has gone along from frenzied to busy. Now when I say busy, I am speaking generally, the last couple years withstanding, which were an anomaly in the real estate world. The year started busy as people were frantic to get into contracts as the Fed announced the coming rate increases. It was the busiest first quarter in many, many years as everyone made one last push to try and secure a home, while locking in a low interest rate.

Now, as we are in the middle part of the year and rates have increased, we have seen a bit of a decrease in demand. Demand is still high, it is just not at the crazy level it has been the last few years, so it feels like a massive slow down and falling market, but we are still in a sellers’ market overall, just not nearly as strong of a sellers’ market as the last two years. The change that is occurring right now and we have seen over the last few weeks is that inventory is starting to come back, which will "help" buyers as sellers have to compete against each other—which was something we were not seeing much of the last few years. The other noteworthy item is, historically speaking, June is a somewhat slow month. People are busy with school getting out and going on vacations, and this year, finally enjoying some nice weather.

Any broker who worked with buyers in 2021 and the start of 2022 knows about “the weekly sequence.” This sequence is a property going up for sale Wednesday or Thursday, with offers due by Sunday or Monday, amid frantic showings and multiple offers. It was a weekly emotional roller coaster and the only way off was to “win” a bidding war or give up the home search. During that time, it was typical that around 120-180 single family residences were for sale at any given time in Bend. As I write this article today, there are about 550 single family residences for sale in Bend. This increase in inventory has given buyers a lot more options to look at and forces sellers to price more aggressively to attract buyers.

Despite what you may have read or heard, people are still writing offers. Buyers are just being more selective and looking for opportunities to get a deal. Anytime the market shifts there are opportunities, as some folks see the market crashing and feel like they need to sell ASAP (I am not in this crowd). However, these nervous people are out there, and savvy buyers will find opportunities. Other opportunities exist, as they always have, what we call life happening. People get career opportunities in another city, family things happen and people move; any number of things can “force” someone to sell and to some, the urgency to complete a sale is more important than top dollar. Here in Central Oregon our region is still in high demand, but the market is changing, and homes will take longer than a week or gasp, a month or two, to sell. These are not signs of impending doom in the real estate market; rather, just it drifting back toward a healthy, normal market.

HOME PRICE ROUNDUP

Photos and listing info from Central Oregon Multiple Listing Service

MID >>

2694 NW Whitworth Way, Bend $1,099,000 3 beds, 2.5 baths, built in 2002 2,877 sq ft, 0.21 acres Listed by Danielle Snow and Nicole Fitch of John L Scott Bend

<< LOW

21150 Darnell Ave., Bend $499,000 3 beds, 2 baths, built in 2016 1,008 sq ft on 0.12 acres Listed by Debbie Walsh of Bend Premier Real Estate LLC

<< HIGH

61562 Tam McArthur Loop, Bend $1,650,000 3 beds, 3.5 baths, built in 2002 2,733 sq ft, 0.66 acres Listed by Lisa Cole of Berkshire Hathaway Home services

Walk-ins welcome

530 SW Mill View Way

call for appointments 541-323-7535

Two locations to serve you!

open seven days a week!

541-323-0494

1824 NE Division St. Suite A

EASY LIVING NWX CONDO

2561 NW Shields Drive This condo showcases the Drake floor plan, and offers 620 sq. ft. with 1 bedroom, 1 bath, single car garage, & a balcony overlooking the Bungalows.

OFFERED AT $525,000 CUSTOM HOME ON TOP OF GOLDEN BUTTE

1829 SW Turnberry Place Stunning views of the Cascade Mountains & city of Bend. 2 bed, 2.5 baths, flex space, indoor & outdoor dining areas, water features, hot tub & custom quality finishes throughout.

OFFERED AT $1,495,000

CUSTOM HOME OPPORTUNITY

Lot 190 Discovery West Phase 4 In one of Bend’s newest neighborhoods, Discovery West, brought to you by the developers of NorthWest Crossing is a project to be built by award-winning Cloninger Custom Home.

OFFERED AT $1,350,000

RECENTLY UPDATED SINGLE LEVEL HOME

20673 Cherry Tree Lane Open floor plan with 3 bed, 2 bath & 1402 sq. ft. Updates throughout interior and exterior of home. 2 car garage & fully fenced backyard.

OFFERED AT $570,000

Jason Boone

Principal Broker, CRS Mollie Hogan

Principal Broker, CRS Terry Skjersaa

Principal Broker, CRS Greg Millikan

Broker

Skjersaa Group | Duke Warner Realty