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SCIENCE ADVICE GODDESS

Son Of Clam caretakers, evolved the emotional makeup to suss out the needs of infants, who lack

Getting my boyfriend to talk to the spoken-word skills to yell, “Hey, Ma, me about his feelings seems impossi- gimme a beer!” ble. I know guys tend not to be super Men, who evolved to be the warriors emotive, but trying to get a read on of our species, benefit in combat situawhat he’s feeling is like trying to tions from being less in touch with their understand a foreign language. How emotions -- especially fear and sadness can I get him to open up to me? -- explains psychologist Joyce Benenson. —Distressed This would allow a man to storm into bat-

If only the Rosetta stone had included tle and get up close and spear-y with the a fourth language: Het- enemy instead of doing erosexual Male. what I, as an emotional-

The Rosetta stone, for ly aware woman, would those who ditched his- probably do: freeze, cry, tory class to smoke pot and wet my pants. behind the dumpster, Of course, many indiwas a tabletlike rock frag- vidual men and womment that turned out to en don’t fit neatly into have the same message in the “men tend to”/“three languages: Egyptian women tend to” boxhieroglyphics (long con- es. For example, I’m not sidered undecipherable), Amy Alkon surprised by a recent another equally mysterious form of Egyp- archeological finding tian writing, and ancient Greek. The Greek suggesting ancestral women (and not just words were the key, finally allowing schol- men) were hunters. (Of course, a huntars to translate hieroglyphics (the ancient er-gatherer lady would’ve spent much of Egyptian version of texting somebody a her life pregnant or breastfeeding, and it’s slew of emojis). hard to spear a wild boar while clutching a

Getting back to your own translation hungry baby drinking his lunch.) issues, it’s understandable you’re frustrat- I’m likewise not surprised to encounter ed by the language barrier, or rather, the men who can lay their feelings out like cold lack-of-language barrier in your man’s con- cuts on a platter. As for men who can’t, tinuing adherence to Mute Boyfriend-ese. there’s this notion that people who have Shouldn’t two adults in a relationship be trouble identifying and thus expressing able to engage in open discussions about their emotions can improve through study their feelings? and practice. One tool for this is a poster

Unfortunately, if they’re male and female, with cartoon faces showing various emomaybe not. Men and women have some tions, each labeled with the particular emomajor differences in what I’d call “emotion- tion. (Google “how you feel today poster.”) al literacy”: the ability to read emotions, Realistically, however, the person best both in oneself and others. Men are not the equipped to put names to your boyfriend’s unfeeling louts they’re too often made out feelings is probably you. Consider that men to be. However, women tend to show more tend to express their emotions through emotion than men and be better at guessing their actions: slamming cupboard doors others’ feelings. (Compared with most men, (mad), sulking (bummed), etc. In keepthey’re practically emotional psychics.) ing with that, ask him not about his feelResearch by psychologist Simon Baron-Co- ings but about events -- “What happened hen suggests that women are the emotional when you talked to your boss?” “Did that specialists of our species, driven from child- jerk or that jerk of a mountain lion show hood on to identify others’ emotions “and to up on your hike?” -- and you might notice respond with the appropriate emotion.” some feelings slipping out.

Men, in contrast, basically “major” in Ultimately, though, you should considengineering from childhood on. Baron-Co- er whether your being happy with this man hen explains that they’re driven to decode is contingent on his expressing himself like the workings of machines, math, objects in a woman. If you stay together, you’ll probmotion, and other “rule-governed” (and ably need to meet him more than halfthus relatively predictable) systems. A boy way, meaning rely way more on guessing will take a screwdriver to a radio to see his emotions than his putting them into how it generates sound; a girl will mental- words. Meanwhile, focusing on how men ly take apart her cousin to figure out why communicate through action should help she’s suddenly gone all Bummerella. you see the beauty in, say, your being star-

These differences come not from “the tled by clanging metal and yelled profanipatriarchy” or Disney princess movies but ties some Saturday afternoon. You go out from millions of years of evolution. Dif- to your garage and discover your boyfriend ferences in male and female physiology rotating your tires unasked. It’s not exactcarved out differences in psychology and ly how Hugh Grant communicates in chick divisions of labor along male-female lines. flicks, but if you understand real-life manWomen, whose bodies are baby food dis- speak, you’ll respond perfectly: “You had pensaries and who are children’s primary me at #$&%*! worthless tire jack!”