Parade by The Southern Illinoisan

S U N DAY, O C TO B E R 1 9, 2 0 1 4 | PA R A D E .C O M

, o l l e “ H eat M s ’ I t ain! ” Ag N AFFIGA G M I J C O M I C H E S O N H I S O D, DIS R WITH FO FAI H E LOV AFNERTIME WITHAVING N I D OW , AND H FLAVOR S D I K E M FIV ICE CREA AN MED FOR YOU TED” NA ING KNIGH BE “I S L I K E

ographed at Gafﬁgan was phot essen in Katz’s Delicat Sept. 16. New York City on

Gaffigan’s new book, Food: A Love Story, is out Tuesday.

By Marilyn vos Savant

can you explain if, and how, those who choose not to vaccinate their children against diseases such as measles, mumps, rubella, and whooping cough, are putting others at risk?

CArToon: leo CulluM

—Aaron Petracak, Irvine, Calif.

Some people think that if other children are vaccinated, an unvaccinated child doesn’t put them at risk. Isn’t the risk only to the unvaccinated child? The answer is “no.” Many people cannot be vaccinated, such as those who are allergic to the vaccine and those who have immune systems weakened from other diseases. Also, some people do not develop immunity even after being vaccinated, and many children are too young to be vaccinated. An unvaccinated child who becomes ill puts all of these people at risk, too. In addition, he or she puts other unvaccinated children at risk. Yet it is important

if a horse and a half can eat a bale of hay and a half in a day and a half, how long will 10 horses take to eat 10 bales of hay? —Craig Buttars Malad City, Idaho

Try pondering this logic puzzle for a while, readers. The answer appears below. aNsWeR: A dAY And A hAlf. If A horSe And A hAlf CAn eAT A BAle And A hAlf In A CerTAIn AMounT of TIMe, one horSe CAn eAT one BAle In ThAT TIMe. (A hAlf-horSe CAn eAT A hAlf-BAle.) So 10 horSeS WIll eAT 10 BAleS In ThAT SAMe TIMe perIod. WAnT A MATheMATICAl proof? WITh 10 horSeS, We hAve 6.666... horSe-And-AhAlf eATInG unITS. eACh of TheSe unITS eATS 1.5 BAleS of hAY In 1.5 dAYS. So 6.666... unITS MunChInG AT The SAMe TIMe WIll eAT 9.999... (or 10) BAleS In 1.5 dAYS.

Ask Marilyn

to understand that parents who decline to vaccinate their children will not be swayed by these arguments. Why? Because they fear that the vaccination itself may cause terrible harm. This is surely mistaken, but they believe it, and that’s the crux of the matter. Given the choice of risking great damage to their children versus putting others at risk of these diseases, they naturally choose the latter. This means the only way to reach these parents is through education. Appealing to altruism is not going to work.

Cartoon Parade

“it’s a breathable micro-fiber fabric but under a wool suit it’s still hell.”

COURT-ORDERED NOTICE OF PROPOSED SETTLEMENT OF CLASS ACTION IF YOU ARE A CURRENT OR FORMER CUSTOMER OF BRIGHT HOUSE NETWORKS, LLC (“BHN”) WHO SUBSCRIBED TO BHN FOR DIGITAL CABLE AT ANY TIME BETWEEN FEBRUARY 2005 AND AUGUST 19, 2014, PLEASE READ THIS NOTICE CAREFULLY. YOUR RIGHTS MAY BE AFFECTED. The United States District Court for the Northern District of Alabama, Southern Division (the “Court”), authorized this Notice. A proposed class settlement involving BHN (the “Settlement”), if finally approved by the Court, will provide account credits to current digital cable customers of BHN and cash payments to former digital cable customers who fit within the definition of the Settlement Class (see below). PLEASE READ THIS ENTIRE NOTICE, AS YOUR RIGHTS MAY BE AFFECTED. A Settlement has been preliminarily approved in the lawsuit Parsons v. Brighthouse Networks, LLC, Civil Action No. 2:09-cv267-AKK, in which Plaintiff alleges that Defendant BHN engaged in a practice of requiring Premium Cable subscribers to lease one of its set-top boxes, and that this constitutes an unlawful tying arrangement that violates Section 1 of the Sherman Antitrust Act. BHN denies all allegations. For more information about the claims in the case, please go to www.brighthouseclassactionsettlement.com or call 1-800-585-2001. Am I a Class Member? The certified Settlement Class consists of all persons in the United States who subscribed to BHN for residential digital cable and paid BHN a monthly rental fee for an accompanying set-top box during the period February 2005 through the date of preliminary approval of the Settlement, which was August 19, 2014. What Are My Options? You may do one of several things if you are a Settlement Class Member, as set forth below: REMAIN A MEMBER OF THE SETTLEMENT CLASS AND RECEIVE AN ACCOUNT CREDIT OF $30 IF YOU ARE A CURRENT CUSTOMER OF BHN, OR RECEIVE A CASH PAYMENT OF $20 IF YOU ARE A FORMER CUSTOMER OF BHN.

If you are a current customer of BHN, you will receive a $30 account credit for services not currently subscribed to. You will have to elect the services to which the credit should be applied by submitting an Election Form to BHN via the online portal at www.brighthouseclassactionsettlement.com no later than April 15, 2015. See www.brighthouseclassactionsettlement.com for more details. If you are a former customer of BHN, you will have to submit a claim form to receive your cash payment of $20 from BHN. You can obtain a claim form at www.brighthouseclassactionsettlement.com, or by calling 1-800-585-2001. Your Claim Form must be postmarked by April 15, 2015. You will be issued your account credit or, if you are a former customer, your check, if and when the Court grants final approval of the Settlement, and any appeals are resolved in favor of the Settlement. The process for final approval and allocation and distribution of funds takes time; please be patient. ASK TO BE EXCLUDED Get no credit or payment. If you opt out, you may retain your own lawyer at (“OPT OUT”) your own expense and pursue your own claims against BHN. You must submit a request to be excluded postmarked no later than December 16, 2014. See www.brighthouseclassactionsettlement.com, or call 1-800-585-2001 for instructions on how to opt out of the Settlement. OBJECT TO THE SETTLEMENT If you do not agree with the Settlement, you can file with the Court an objection explaining why you do not agree with the Settlement. You must submit your written objection postmarked no later than December 16, 2014. See www.brighthouseclassactionsettlement.com, or call 1-800-585-2001 for instructions on how to object to the Settlement. GO TO THE FINAL FAIRNESS If you file an objection to the Settlement, you can attend and request to be HEARING heard at the Final Fairness Hearing, either personally or through an attorney (whom you may retain at your own expense), at which time the Court will make a final decision as to whether the proposed Settlement is fair to all members of the Settlement Class. You must file a request to appear at the Final Fairness Hearing no later than December 16, 2014. See www.brighthouseclassactionsettlement.com, or call 1-800-585-2001 for instructions on how to file a request to appear at the Final Fairness Hearing, which will be held on January 30, 2015, at 9:00 a.m. FOR MORE INFORMATION go to www.brighthouseclassactionsettlement.com or call 1-800-585-2001

Views The author (right) with his family in 1981.

Lost & Found After losing my parents and my brother,

I thought I was alone in the world— until I stumbled upon the family I never knew By Will Boast

Then, practically by accident, I found that folder. My father had been married before he met my mother, I learned. And he had two other sons from that marriage. I had two half-brothers that had been kept secret from me. When I traveled to England and first met Arthur and Harry, I recognized them. I saw in them my father’s eyes, Rory’s shy smile, my grandfather’s blunt shovel of a chin. Strange what gets passed down through the bloodlines:

When we walk, Harry and I roll our shoulders the same way. Arthur’s laugh is just like our father’s. We were essentially strangers, yet I felt an undeniable, almost primal connection to my half-brothers. Over the next couple years, we would grow close; Rory, I know, would have loved them, too. Still, the question haunted me: Why had my dad kept Arthur and Harry hidden for so long? At the time my dad’s first marriage fell apart, in the mid-1960s,

divorce was a stain on the family name. My parents’ generation felt they had no choice: It was the conventional nuclear family or nothing. So they hid away their failures, their heartbreak, their shame. Add in the famed English talent for discretion—all of my elderly family kept my dad’s secret as well— and I began to understand why our house in Wisconsin held only that one slim piece of evidence that my half-brothers even existed. My brothers aren’t all that I found. Harry and his partner, Rose, have two children, and they are perhaps the most wonderful gift this strange fluke of chance has given me. The first time little Charlie looked at me with his pale blue eyes and called me “Uncle Will,” I thought my heart would crack open and all the pain I’d been holding, ever since my mom died, would come flooding out. In the past half-century, the way we define our families has become more fluid, more accepting. Whether I have children of my own, I see in my niece and nephew a continuation of the family line. The family they grow up in will look rather different than any my parents could have envisioned—and will be all the stronger for it. Adapted from Epilogue: A Memoir, published by Liveright (a division of W.W. Norton & Company), September 2014. Copyright © 2014 by Will Boast.

14 | october 19, 2014

Photo: Courtesy of will boast

y father’s secret was buried so deep I almost didn’t find it. A couple days after my dad’s funeral, I was sorting through the contents of his desk. I was 24 and numbly trying to put his affairs in order. In a bottom drawer, jammed all the way in back, I found an old, yellowed file folder. It was marked “Divorce.” Today, genealogy websites like ancestry.com make discoveries like mine increasingly common. But I was blindsided by what that folder told me about my family. I was born in England, in the industrial city of Southampton, where my parents met while working at an electric blanket factory. When I was 7, my dad took a new job with a plastics company, and our British roots were transplanted to a small town in Wisconsin. A comfortable home, good schools, an escape from just scraping by—America was meant to be our fresh start. But by the time my father died, in 2004, I’d already lost my mother to brain cancer, when I was 17, and my younger brother, Rory, to a car accident, when I was 19. In seven short years, my whole family was gone. I still had my extended family back in England, but I was all but alone in America. I was single, with little desire to get married or have children. I wouldn’t bring kids into a world where the things that had happened to us could happen to them. I felt unmoored, out of reach. The family line, I thought, would end with me.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait.

Kennections By Ken Jennings

Great Things Come To Those Who

WIN!

HOW TO PLAY

All five correct answers have something in common. Can you figure out what it is?

1. In March 2014, what movie passed Toy Story 3 to become the highest-grossing animated film ever?

✎ 2. In 1954, Roger Bannister made history by running a mile in less than what amount of time, a long-standing barrier?

✎ 3. In Great Britain, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding, in 2011, was considered an extra “bank” what?

$10,000.00 A Week For Life

✎ 4. What TV series about New York firefighter Tommy Gavin was cocreated by its star, Denis Leary?

Don't Wait! Return This Coupon Today!

✎ 5. What fashion magazine has Anna Wintour edited since 1988?

WHAT’S THE “KENNECTION” BETWEEN ALL FIVE ANSWERS?

✎

Play more trivia puzzles by Ken Jennings at parade.com/ken. ANSWERS: 1. FROZEN; 2. 4 MINUTES; 3. HOLIDAY; 4. RESCUE ME; 5. VOGUE ALL ARE MADONNA SONGS

PHOTO: ANDY REYNOLDS

MAKE MORE KENNECTIONS!

Hurry – respond ASAP. IT’S ABSOLUTELY FREE! OFFICIAL RULES: ALL PRIZES GUARANTEED TO BE AWARDED AS OFFERED. NO PURCHASE OR PAYMENT NECESSARY TO WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Contest Officials will take a special early look for a matching winning number in just a few weeks. A prize of $10,000.00 A-Week-For-Life will be paid to the winner of Giveaway No. 4900 if the timely returned winning entry for our November 25th Special Early Look SuperPrize Event comes from this promotion. If an eligible matching winning number is not returned, an alternate winner will receive a $1,000,000.00 prize. Award subject to verification of identity and eligibility. Winner must sign an Affidavit of Eligibility within 30 days or alternate winner will be selected. Principals and employees of PCH and their immediate families are not eligible. Board of Judges’ decisions are final. Bulk entries will not be accepted. Not responsible for lost or mutilated mail. Acceptance of prize constitutes permission to use winner’s name and photograph for promotional purposes. Subject to complete Official Rules available at website or mail address provided. Entry must be received by 11/7/14. SWEEPSTAKES FACTS: Giveaway No. 4900; End Date: 2/29/16 (or earlier at our option); Est. Odds of Winning: 1 in 1,700,000,000. You Have Not Yet Won. All Entries Have the Same Chance of Winning. We don’t know who the winner is. Enter For Free. You don’t have to buy anything to enter. Enter As Often As You Like. You may submit additional entries by writing to the address provided. Each entry request must be mailed separately. Buying Won’t Help You Win. Your chances of winning are the same as someone who buys something.

OFFICIAL ENTRY COUPON

PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE

OFFICIAL ENTRY COUPON

10,000.00 A WEEK FOR LIFE

❏ YES, I WANT TO WIN ON NOVEMBER 25th! NAME

ADDRESS

STATE

CITY

14-PB830T2

✎

TO: MAIL OR GO TO:

ZIP

HURRY! Publishers Clearing House NO ENTRY Department of Contests ACCEPTED AFTER P.O. Box 1276 Syosset, NY 11791-0430 November 7. www.pch.com/great

ZD830

2 COOK’S TIP

Freeze individual portions of baked lasagna, wrapped well, for up to three months. Thaw in fridge; bake as directed.

Lasagna tastes even better the second day. Assemble in advance, cover, and store overnight in the refrigerator. Bake as directed, allowing a little extra cooking time.

COOK’S TIP

PE∏FECT

3 PASTA

8 1

COOK’S TIP

Family Time

Always let lasagna sit for about 10 minutes after removing from the oven—it will be easier to cut, and portions will hold their shape better.

Light on fuss and rich in flavor, our version of this classic casserole is bound to please

lb 80% lean ground beef small onion, chopped tsp minced garlic tsp dried basil tsp sugar (15-oz) can tomato sauce (14.5-oz) can whole tomatoes, undrained lasagna noodles (15-oz) container partskim ricotta cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese Tbsp chopped fresh oregano cups grated part-skim mozzarella cheese Basil or oregano leaves

1. In a large skillet, sauté ground beef, onion, and garlic for about 10 minutes or until beef is no longer pink. Drain off fat. Add dried basil, sugar, tomato sauce, and tomatoes. Bring to a boil, stirring occasionally to break up tomatoes. Simmer for about ½ hour or until sauce thickens. 2. Meanwhile, cook noodles in boiling, salted water until al dente. Drain and rinse in cold water. Pat dry. 3. In a small bowl, combine ricotta, half the Parmesan, and oregano. 4. Preheat oven to 350°F. 5. In a 9-by-13-inch baking pan, spread a thin layer of tomato-meat mixture, then 4 noodles, then half the ricotta mixture. Sprinkle with half the mozzarella. Repeat layers, ﬁnishing with a topping of tomatomeat mixture. 6. Cover pan with foil and bake for ½ hour. Uncover and bake for 20 more minutes or until hot and bubbly. Garnish with basil or oregano leaves. Serves 8. PER SERVING: 390 cal, 25g

carbs, 30g protein, 19g fat, 70mg chol, 790mg sodium, 2g fiber

12 | OCTOBER 19, 2014

PHOTO: EISING PHOTOGRAPHY/STOCKFOOD

Table Around the

BEEF LASAGNA

1 1 1 1 1 1

All Night Relief From

SNORING, SLEEP APNEA & ALLERGIES

FREE SHIPPING

WITHOUT

ed ck Blo Air

SLEEP EZ Only $ 1299

SAVE $4.00

WITH

AIR

Off Original Price

Opens Nasal Passages For Easy Breathing

Non-Stop Relief! Works For As Long As You Wear It! www.DreamProducts.com Sleep Better — Breathe Easier!

Snoring can be a nightmare for those trying to sleep in the same room with you and chronic snoring can cause a multitude of health problems – from stroke to heart attack. Sleep EZ is a specially designed mouthpiece that gives you night after night of peaceful, snoreless sleep by gently keeping the nasal passages open while you rest. Completely reusable nasal dilator comes with handy carry case. One size fits all. RECEIVE A FREE SURPRISE GIFT

(website offers may vary)

ORDER NOW TOLL-FREE q VISA

Sleep EZ #82440

Card#

q Discover®/NOVUSSMCards Exp. Date

_____Sleep EZ(s) @ $12.99 ea. $

FREE Regular Shipping $ FREE Add $2.00 Handling no matter how many ordered $ 2.00 EXPEDITED SHIPPING (optional) 4 FORAdd An Additional $2.95 (receive your order 5-7 days from shipment)

$ 2.95

WITH EVERY ORDER

Satisfaction Guaranteed or Return For Your Money Back

q MasterCard

Dept. 70119

CA residents must add 7.5% sales tax $

1-800-530-2689

Please Print Clearly

TOTAL $

Name Address City

Zip

Daytime Phone # Email Address

Check or money order payable to: Dream Products, Inc.

Send Order To: 412 Dream Lane, Van Nuys, CA 91496

SCIATICA BACK PAIN? If you suffer from Sciatica contain Colocynthis, which has shown to relieve the shooting pains and tingling sensations. MagniLife® Sciatica Relief is available at Walgreens, CVS/ pharmacy, Rite Aid Pharmacy and Walmart. Order risk free for $19.99 ($5.95 S&H) for 125 tablets per bottle. Get a FREE bottle when you order two for $39.98 ($9.95 S&H). Send payment to: MagniLife S-P20, PO Box 6789, McKinney, TX 75071 or call 1-800-730-4173. 90-day satisfaction guarantee, or return for a full refund. Order now at www.MagniLife.com

RESTLESS LEGS SYNDROME? If uncomfortable sensations noying sensations. Infused with in your legs, accompanied by an irresistible urge to move, are keeping you from falling asleep, you may have Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS). 30 million Americans are putting up with RLS symptoms such as aching, “It has creeping, crawling, or prickling helped me sensations because they are not so much in aware of this topical treatment getting a that has been helping thousands decent night’s get relief and get to sleep. sleep.” MagniLife® Restless Legs - M. Segal, Cream contains specifc vitamins CA. and minerals, such as vitamin E and magnesium that provide relief from those painful and an-

essential oils to help relax muscles and calm the body so you can sleep through the night. MagniLife® Restless Legs Cream is sold at Walgreens, CVS/pharmacy and Rite Aid Pharmacy. Order risk free for $19.99 ($5.95 S&H) for a 4 oz jar. Get a FREE jar when you order two for $39.98 ($9.95 S&H). Send payment to: MagniLife RC-P20, PO Box 6789, McKinney, TX 75071 or call 1-800-452-1779. 90-day satisfaction guarantee, or return for a full refund. Order now at www.RLScream.com

DIABETIC NEUROPATHY? If you suffer from neurop- infection.

“I thank you for this foot cream it works wonders.” - Paulette S., CA.

athy, or pain in your feet and legs due to nerve damage, you should know help is available. Over 20 million Americans suffer from neuropathy and put up with painful, tingling, burning sensations because they are not aware of this proven treatment. MagniLife® Diabetic Neuropathy Foot Cream contains Gnaphalium and Yellow Jasmine, known to relieve pain, tingling, and numbness, while natural moisturizers restore cracked, damaged, and itchy skin to help protect against

MagniLife® Diabetic Neuropathy Foot Cream is sold at Walgreens, Rite Aid Pharmacy, CVS/pharmacy and Walmart, in the foot care and diabetes sections. Order risk free for $19.99 ($5.95 S&H) for a 4 oz jar. Get a FREE jar when you order two for $39.98 ($9.95 S&H). Send payment to MagniLife NC-P20, PO BOX 6789, McKinney, TX 75071 or call 1-800-452-1779. 90-day satisfaction guarantee, or return for a full refund. Order now at www.MDFootCream.com

The owner of Katz's Deli, Alan Dell, grabs a bite with his most enthusiastic customer.

him,” says Jeannie, who is also his producing partner. “Or people send him anything with bacon in it. It’s a constant battle between being gracious to his fans and not eating everything he gets his hands on.” Remarkably, Jeannie herself has managed to stay slender despite her husband’s food fixation. “It’s not easy,” she says. “With Jim it’s kind of a whenin-Rome thing. He’ll ask if I’m hungry and I’ll say, ‘No, I’m fine,’ and then he’ll come back with a banana in a hot dog bun with peanut butter and jelly on it, and he’ll say, ‘This is called a Daddy Dog.’ He’s kind of a bad influence.” Maybe so, but Gaffigan blames the kids. “The key to not eating bad food is not having bad food around,” he says. “But kids have a bland palate, so you have to have burgers and pizzas and stuff like that in the house. If the kids are having it, it’s going to be there. How am I supposed to say no to pizza if it’s right in front of me?” Okay, so he’ll never be Slim Jim, but neither is he throwing in the towel. Exercise, for instance— Gaffigan does it regularly, if somewhat casually. “I like to watch NFL games while sitting on an elliptical bike,” he says.

“The problem is, I’d have to work out twice a day just to look out of shape.” He also tries to balance his diet by tossing in the occasional vegetable. “Look, I want to live as long as I can for my family,” he says. “I’m not saying I eat hamburgers every night. I’m not a proponent of leading a destructive life. I’m just kind of self-aware. I know what I like.”

Gaffigan's

new book, Food: A Love Story, comes out on Tuesday.

In the end, Gaffigan is resigned, and happily so, to continuing his great movable feast for as long as the road, and the burger joints, will have him. After all, his book isn’t called Food: A Like Story. “I’m a big fan of cheese, but when I eat it I feel bad the next day,” he says. “I’m sure I’m allergic to dairy in some way. But I know I’m going to eat cheese again. Why? Because cheese is amazing, you know?”

10 | october 19, 2014

Photo: michael edwards for Parade

symptoms, such as intense pain in the buttocks and lower back, or pain and numbness in your legs and feet, you are not alone. Over 170 million people suffer from the burning, tingling, numbing, and shooting pains “The Sciatica because they are not aware of Relief tablets this proven treatment. are a miracle MagniLife® Sciatica Relief solution to combines four active ingredients the pain of known to relieve the debilitating Sciatica.” pain of Sciatica. It can be taken - Lillie, CA. along with other medications with no side effects. The tablets dissolve under the tongue and

So does his obsession with what he calls non-adult foods. “Oysters are an adult food,” he says. “Blue cheese is another one. But I never stopped loving the celebratory foods—hot dogs, hamburgers, popcorn, the stuff you eat at ball games and parties. Foodwise, I never grew up.” As a student at La Lumiere School in La Porte, Ind., he pac ked away prodigious amounts of grub, owing to his youthful metabolism and training as a wrestler. “When I was 16, my sister’s boyfriend took me to McDonald’s and said, ‘I’ll pay for whatever you can eat,’ ” he says. “I got down five Big Macs, no problem. Let’s just say I couldn’t do that today.” Af ter graduating from Georgetown University, Gaffigan got a job in advertising but switched to stand-up when a friend saw him in an improv class and suggested he give it a go. It was a great career move, but rough on his waistline. Being on the road several nights a week makes it hard for him to resist the siren call of greasy club food. “Burgers,” he says, “are my kryptonite.” He’s had a few named after him, including the Gaffiburger (a.k.a. a bacon cheeseburger) at Schoop’s, a chain in Indiana and Illinois. “The top honor is having an ice cream flavor named for you,” he says. “That’s like being knighted.”

ood seems to follow Gaffigan everywhere. After shows “he comes home with boxes of donuts or muffins or cookies his fans gave

THREE FOR FREE Accessory Gift Set!

The most affordable mobile medical alert works anywhere, even in the shower. While most medical alert devices don’t work ® outside your home, the new GreatCall Splash can go anywhere. With its waterproof design, you can even take it with you in the shower. The Splash is powered by the nation’s most dependable wireless network, so it works whenever, wherever you need it. In any emergency, just press the button to speak immediately with an NAED-Certifed 5Star® Agent. The Agent will confrm your location using patented GPS technology, evaluate your situation, and get you the help you need. At only $1499 per month, 5Star service on the Splash saves you over $200 per year in monthly fees compared to other personal emergency response services, making it the most affordable on the market. Service starts at

No contracts No cancellation fees No equipment to install

Select the GreatCall GoPlanTM and get 5Star service plus unlimited, 24/7 access to registered nurses and board-certifed , a free app doctors. You’ll also get GreatCall LinkTM that lets your friends and family know you’re safe and healthy.

Call 1-866-301-3833 today or visit us at greatcall.com THREE FOR FREE Accessory Gift Set includes: Wristband, Sporty Lanyard and Beaded Lanyard, a $50 value! With activation by 1/8/15. Get help at home or on the go, 24/7

First month FREE with purchase from:

Speak with NAED-Certifed 5Star Agents

John Walsh, Safety Advocate and Vice Chairman of GreatCall

Patented GPS confrms your location

Nationwide coverage

Waterproof design works in the shower

Gift set offer applies to new lines of service only, while supplies last. Offer ends 1/8/15. Gift set will arrive in 10-14 business days upon activation. $200 savings calculation was determined by averaging the PERS market leaders’ monthly fees (not all the PERS have the same features). 5Star service is available with the purchase of the GreatCall Splash and a one-time set-up fee of $35. Valid credit or debit card required for monthly service. Urgent Care, with FONEMED,® is not a substitute for dialing 9-1-1 and should not be used in a case of emergency. FONEMED’s registered nurses and contracted physicians through MDLIVE, offer advice regarding health care decisions, may prescribe certain medications and make diagnoses. We are not liable for any act or omission, including negligence, of any FONEMED employee or contractor. The GreatCall Splash is rated IPX7, and can be submerged in up to 3 feet of water for up to 30 minutes. GreatCall is not a health care provider and does not provide health care services. Seek the advice of your physician if you have any questions about medical treatment. 5Star or 9-1-1 calls can only be made when cellular service is available. 5Star service will be able to track an approximate location when your device is turned on, but we cannot guarantee an exact location. Monthly service fee does not include government taxes or assessment surcharges. Prices and fees are subject to change. GreatCall,® 5Star,® GreatCall GoPlanTM and GreatCall LinkTM are trademarks of GreatCall, Inc. registered and/or pending in the United States and other countries. Copyright ©2014 GreatCall, Inc.

book is a brilliantly funny tribute to the simple pleasure of eating— or, more accurately, overeating. “Last night I had the following train of thought: Ugh, I’m so full. I guess I’ll have some cheese,” Gaffigan writes. “I can’t stop eating. I can’t. I haven’t been hungry in 12 years.” It’s part confessional (Gaffigan’s idea of a food sacrifice is French fries with no salt) and part travelogue through the mouthwatering world of unlean cuisine. “I’m not a foodie, I’m an eatie,” says Gaffigan, who is six feet tall and not so much fat as slightly circular around the middle (he wears his extra calories surprisingly well). “Doing standup almost every night doesn’t leave me much time for culinary adventures. Mostly I just want the closest good burger.”

or this interview Gaffigan chose one of his favorite New York C i t y c h ow - d ow n spots, the venerable Katz’s Delicatessen, which has been serving

cured meats to loyal customers since 1888. It’s an old-fashioned, no-frills foodery that perfectly suits Gaffigan’s blue-collar appetite and fondness for teetering, overstuffed sandwiches. (Katz’s serves more than seven tons of pastrami each week.) In fact Gaffigan’s photo is up on the wall, not far from shots of Bill Clinton and Johnny Depp and a newspaper clipping marking Katz’s centennial (headline: “A Happy Birthday to Heartburn”). “Jim is a great schmoozer and a super-nice guy, but mostly he’s an eater,” says Alan Dell, Katz’s fourth-generation owner. “It’s great to see how much he enjoys the food.” True to form, Gaffigan jumped behind the counter at Katz’s to joke around with the staff and mingle among the hanging salamis. “Jim Gaffigan?” said one startled customer and fan. “You’re working here now?” Slinging brined beef might have been Gaffigan’s dream job if he didn’t already have one. A sometimes actor (the late, lamented sitcom My Boys) and frequent talk

show guest, Gaffigan is one of the nation’s most popular touring comedians, snagging Concert Comic of the year at the 2014 American Comedy Awards and solidifying his reputation as one of the best clean comedi ans around. Much of his material comes from his hectic home life: Gaffigan and his wife, Jeannie, live in a modest two-bedroom apartment in New York City with their five children, sons Jack, Patrick, and Michael and daughters Marre and Katie. (He has said he has a “chronic and acute case of children.”) When he’s not touring, he makes a point of sitting down for dinner with the whole gang. “Eating with your kids is nurturing, but it’s not relaxing,” he says. “There’s a lot of negotiat-

about the microwavable snack he calls “a Pop-Tart with nasty meat”). “I used to try to not do any food jokes, because I didn’t want to be known as the food comic,” says Gaffigan. “But I had all these jokes about cake and bacon and they sort of pushed their way back into the act. Or I’d start talking about weddings and that would veer into ice cream. Talking about food helps me connect with an audience. Eating is something most of us do.”

rowing up the youngest of six kids in a middle-class suburb of Chesterton, Ind., Gaffigan learned that eating can also be a contact sport. “You had to eat it before someone else ate it, whether you were hungry or not,” he says. His brother Joe Gaffigan, president of a Chicago-based brokerage and the second-youngest sibling, recalls that at the Gaffigan

“I never stopped loving the celebratory foods—hot dogs, hamburgers, popcorn, the stuff you eat at ball games and parties. Foodwise, I never grew up.” ing, the anxiety of things being spilled, kids missing their mouths. If you can get them to sit in a chair successfully, you feel you’ve achieved something.” Over the years Gaffigan’s act has slowly become more foodcentric, to the point where roughly half his jokes deal with the digestible (in airports fans yell “Hot Pocket!” at him, in honor of his signature bit,

dinner table “there was definitely a competition for food. But there was also a competition for attention. Since Jim was the youngest, he had to try harder to get everyone’s attention and get in on the family bits. He got to where he could walk into any room and talk to anyone and bond with them right away. Jim was always a hard worker, and that shows up in his act.”

8 | october 19, 2014

cover and inside: Styling, Jasmine Chang; Grooming, Mary Guthrie for abtp.com. Shot on location at Katz’s Delicatessen. photo, this page: courtesy of Jim Gaffigan

Gaffigan refers to his five children, with wife Jeannie (right), as his “basketball team.”

COV ER AN D INS IDE PHO TOG RAP HS by michae l edw ards

G Kat affiga z his ’s Del n loves i k not ids tr so mu the pa goin y it, c s g to even h that h trami a t like the e’s h b pas tram aby: “Wad all i?” ho’s

Month 00, 2014 | 00

sd eli cio us

by A L E X O W S K I TRESNI

Th ng i h ec t om all h edi wit an g n o i ets se ss rious about his obse

h, the sweetness of a childhood crush, a boy in the thrall of his first love. Except for stand-up comic Jim Gaffigan, the crush wasn’t a cute girl with pigtails; it was a hot dog with mustard. “For my fifth birthday, my sister got me a package of Oscar Mayer Wieners and a six-pack of Dr Pepper,” remembers GafThat pasfigan, 48. “She knew how much I loved my hot dogs.” sion has never waned and now extends to all manner of meats and sweets—a gastric affair Gaffigan chronicles in his new book, Food: A Love Story (Crown), a sort of follow-up to his best-selling 2013 memoir Dad Is Fat (named for the first complete sentence his son Jack ever wrote). The

Perfect Choice HD™ is simple to use, hard to see and easy to afford…

Invention of the Year PERSONAL SOUND AMPLIFICATION PRODUCTS (PSAPs)

THEY’RE NOT HEARING AIDS Personal Sound Amplifcation Products use advanced digital processing to amplify the frequencies of human speech. Tanks to the eforts of a doctor who leads a renowned hearing institute, this product is manufactured in an efcient production process that enables us to make it available at an afordable price. Te unit is small and lightweight enough to hide behind your ear... only you’ll know you have it on. It’s comfortable and won’t make you feel like you have something stuck in your ear. It provides high quality audio so sof sounds and distant conversations will be easier to understand. Need an extra volume boost? Try Perfect Choice HD™ for yourself with our exclusive home trial.

SOUND QUALITY

1998 Ruffin Mill Road, Colonial Heights, VA 23834

Less than 1 ounce Excellent: Optimized for speech

FITTING REQUIRED?

ONE-ON-ONE SETUP

Free

RETURN POLICY

1-888-690-0778

Please mention promotional code 48610.

81009

WEIGHT

Call now toll free for the lowest price ever.

THE BEST DESTINATIONS FOR 2015 It’s not too early

to daydream about next year’s vacation. Lonely Planet’s new guidebook, Best in Travel 2015, catalogs the world’s trendiest places to visit. Among the top 10 experiences for families: a wildlife safari in Namibia, sailing over the Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Australia, and making magic at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando.

Parade

U S

FA C E B O O K . C O M / PA R A D E M A G

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

AMERICAN VETERANS

DESSERT SHOWDOWN!

DISABLED FOR LIFE MEMORIAL A tranquil new monument near the Capitol in Washington, D.C., is the first-ever public tribute to the more than 4 million disabled veterans in America. The memorial (avdlm.org), which opened this month, features a reflecting pool and a ceremonial flame.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

PUMPKIN PIE SWEET POTATO PIE

Pumpkins and sweet potatoes are both in season at your local farmers market. But which makes the tastier dessert? In many parts of the country, sweet potato pie is gaining ground over the classic pumpkin. Vote in our pie showdown—and get two great recipes using McCormick Gourmet’s delicious Saigon Cinnamon—at parade.com/pie.

SHAKE PUPPIES

Ears flopping, drool flying, fur swishing, and jowls fluttering—puppies hilariously captured midshake star in this charming book from photographer Carli Davidson.

BEAUTIFUL NEW BOOKS FAB NEW PHOTO BOOKS

HILLARY From 1993 to 2013, Time magazine photographer Diana Walker followed Hillary Clinton with camera in hand. This collection of more than 150 photos provides inti-

mate glimpses of the ﬁrst lady, the senator, the presidential candidate, and the secretary of state.

LITTLE HUMANS

Brandon Stanton became

an online sensation with his beautiful blog of portraits and confessions, Humans of New York. For his new book, he turned his lens on the youngest citizens of the Big Apple—with insanely adorable results.

YOU ARE HERE

It takes 92 minutes for the International Space Station to make a complete orbit around the earth—a journey that ISS astronaut Chris Hadﬁeld reveals through awe-inspiring photos of our planet taken from his lofty vantage point. Sprinkled among the pictures are Hadﬁeld’s fun factoids about life without gravity.

4 | OCTOBER 19, 2014

PHOTO, FAR LEFT: ISTOCKPHOTO. TOP: PETER DAZELEY/GETTY IMAGES

L I K E

THERAPY, SAFETY AND INDEPENDENCE

How a Safe Step Walk-In Tub can change your life Remember when… Think about the things you loved to do that are diffcult today — going for a walk or just sitting comfortably while reading a book. And remember the last time you got a great night’s sleep? As we get older, health issues or even everyday aches, pains and stress can prevent us from enjoying life.

Then read on to learn how a Safe Step Walk-In Tub can help.

So what’s keeping you from having a better quality of life? Check all the conditions that apply to you.

Feel better, sleep better, live better

Personal Checklist: Arthritis

Asthma

Insomnia

Anxiety

Diabetes

Headaches

Lower Back Pain

Poor Circulation

Safe Step includes more standard therapeutic and safety features than any other tub on the market, plus the best warranty in the industry: Hydro-Jet Water Therapy — 10 Built-In Variable-Speed Massaging Water Jets Complete Lifetime Warranty on the Tub Personal Hygiene Therapy System and Bidet

A Safe Step Tub can help increase mobility, boost energy and improve sleep.

Heated Seat and Back GentleJet™ (Air-Jet) Therapy — 16 Bubble Streams Gel-Coat, Easy-Clean Finish

A Safe Step Walk-In Tub lets you indulge in a warm, relaxing bath that can help relieve life’s aches, pains and worries. It’s got everything you should look for in a walk-in tub: • New Heated Seat – Providing soothing warmth from start to fnish. • Pain-relieving therapy – Air and water jets help you sit more comfortably, move more easily and even relax and sleep better. • Safety features – Low step-in, grab bars and more allow you to bathe safely and maintain your independence. • Quality and value – Safe Step Tubs are made in the USA, and proudly American and family owned and operated, offering the best lifetime warranty on the entire tub. Call now toll free

1-800-493-4518 for more information and for our

Anti-Slip Tub Floor

Senior Discounts. Financing available with approved credit. Foot Massaging Jets Wider Door, The Industry’s Leading Low Step-In

T ’S

Q: Which of Nicholas Sparks’s books-turnedmovies does he think is the most romantic? —Jasmin T., Tampa A: So far, the novelist says, that title belongs to the 2004 ﬁlm adaptation of his romance The Notebook.

James Marsden and Michelle Monaghan star in The Best of Me.

“The ﬁlm’s become iconic. I think the historic story appeals to many readers,” he says. “It speaks to the duration of love.” But Sparks’s latest tearjerker, The Best of Me, in theaters now, could give The Notebook a run for its money.

SUNDAY

FREEBIE

Enter for a chance to win Annie Oakley: The Complete TV Series, plus a 32-inch ﬂat-screen LG TV, at parade.com/win.

How does Padma Lakshmi stay in shape while hosting Top Chef?

WALTER SCOTT ASKS...

KENAN THOMPSON

As NBC marks the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live this fall, Kenan Thompson reflects on his record as the show’s longest-running cast member— and his extraterrestrial plans beyond. Did watching SNL as a kid inspire you to pursue comedy? It deﬁnitely inspired me to want to make my parents laugh! What happens behind the scenes that fans don’t know about? That we start from scratch after every show. People think we have a bunch of things already shot. But it’s Email your really like a brand-new questions for show every week— Walter Scott to and we only have personality from Monday to @parade.com. Wednesday morning to ﬁgure it all out. What have you enjoyed most about the show? I’m in my 12th season now, and it’s crazy to say I’ve even done it once. It’s hard to fathom. I don’t know if I’ll ever really understand the weight of it. What’s next for you? I want to do it all. I want to take over the world. I want to go to Mars and open a refueling station. In the meantime, I’ll write and try to produce. I want to be Hollywood busy.

Yogi Berra

Q: Which Major League Baseball player has won the most World Series? —Mai N., Spokane, Wash. A: The great New York Yankees catcher Yogi Berra is a baseball legend for good reason. The Hall of Famer, 89, holds the record for the most World Series appearances, with 14, and wins, with 10—as well as a career record for the most World Series hits, with a whopping 71! This year’s series kicks off Oct. 21. Thompson looks ahead after 12 years at SNL.

–Kevin S., Chicago

A: She doesn’t, the host says. “I go up one to two dress sizes during the season,” she admits. What fans of the Bravo cooking competition (Thursdays) don’t see on TV, Lakshmi reveals, is her wardrobe of garments in increasing sizes. “As I gain weight, I just wear bigger clothes,“ the former model, 44, says, adding that she’s “learned a thing or two about how to [dress to] draw the eye to a preferable area of the body.” But after the season wraps? “I go back to my workout routine!”

2 | OCTOBER 19, 2014

SUNDAY FREEBIE: NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. TO ENTER, GO TO PARADE.COM/WIN. STARTS 5:00 P.M. ET, 10/17/14, AND ENDS 4:59 P.M. ET, 10/24/14. OPEN TO LEGAL RESIDENTS OF THE 50 UNITED STATES (D.C.) 13 YEARS AND OLDER, EXCEPT EMPLOYEES OF SPONSOR, THEIR IMMEDIATE FAMILIES, AND THOSE LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSEHOLD. ODDS OF WINNING DEPEND ON THE NUMBER OF ENTRIES RECEIVED. VOID OUTSIDE THE 50 UNITED STATES (D.C.) AND WHERE PROHIBITED. A.R.V. OF THE 1 PRIZE: $450. SPONSOR: PARADE MEDIA GROUP. THIS PROMOTION IS IN NO WAY SPONSORED, ENDORSED OR ADMINISTERED BY, OR ASSOCIATED WITH, FACEBOOK. PHOTOS, CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: GEMMA LAMANA ©2014 BEST OF ME PRODUCTIONS, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED; ©BETTMAN; D DIPASUPIL/GETTY IMAGES FOR “EXTRA”; DANA EDELSON/NBC/NBCU PHOTO BANK VIA GETTY IMAGES

T WA L

COT ER S

Dell recommends Windows.

$209.99* with Dell Preferred Account™Δ 15.6"

$20 instant of* all Inspiron PCs under $500 with Dell Preferred AccountΔ. Discount applied during checkout. Limited time ofer for qualiﬁed customers.

Inspiron 15 A thin, afordable laptop that ﬁts your busy lifestyle, keeping you entertained and connected anywhere*. Ofer valid 10/20 - 10/24

Shop early for gifts that inspire their passions.

Market Value* $299.99

22999

• Intel® Celeron® processor • Windows 8.1 • 4GB* memory* & 500GB* hard drive

Up to $330 savings on PCs, tablets and electronics. Give a gift of endless possibilities. 20"

15.6"

Total Savings $70

Special tablet deal Buy a PC $599.99+ and get a Dell Venue 7 tablet with Intel Inside® for $99.99.

15.6"

Add Dell 20 Monitor – E2014H for $99.99 (savings of $40) when purchased with the below system.

Inspiron 15 3000 Series (Intel®)

Inspiron Desktop 3000 Series

Inspiron 15 5000 Series (Intel®)

Enhance your multimedia experience with the latest Intel® processors, optional HD touch display and a built-in optical drive.

Do everything you love with the latest processors and plenty of storage space.

A performance laptop with the latest 4th Gen Intel® processors from Intel® and a optional HD touch display.

Market Value* $449.99

Market Value* $599.99

Market Value* $929.99

399

Total Savings $50

• 4th gen Intel® Core™ i3 processor • Windows 8.1 • 4GB* memory* & 500GB* hard drive Choose Windows 7 for no cost ($50 value)

449

Total Savings $150

• 4th gen Intel® Core™ i3 processor • Windows 8.1 • 8GB* memory* & 1TB* hard drive

59999

Total Savings $330

• 4th gen Intel® Core™ i5 processor • Windows 8.1 • 8GB* memory* & 1TB* hard drive • McAfee® LiveSafe™ 12 Month Subscription

Black Friday early access Want early access to Black Friday Presale? Join Dell Advantage for free at Dell.com/rewards

Shop easy. Save big. Give inspired. Visit Dell.com/deals or chat live with Dell experts at Dell.com/chat. Ofers valid 10/16 - 10/23 at 6:59am ET *Ofers subject to change, not combinable with all other ofers. Taxes, shipping, handling and other fees apply. U.S. Dell Home new purchases only. Dell reserves the right to cancel orders arising from pricing or other errors. Market Value: Market Value is an estimate based on industry data such as published and as-sold prices for the same or comparable products in a survey of major online and/or ofine retailers. Graphics and System Memory (SDRAM): GB means 1 billion bytes, MB means 1 million bytes and TB equals 1 trillion bytes; significant system memory may be used to support graphics, depending on system memory size and other factors. 4GB or Greater System Memory Capability: A 64-bit operating system is required to support 4GB or more of system memory. Hard Drives: GB means 1 billion bytes and TB means 1 trillion bytes; actual capacity varies with pre-loaded material and operating environment and will be less. Student Ofer: Promotion valid from 5/1/14 at 7 a.m. EST - 10/1/14 at 7 a.m. EST. Student ofer only. Student status may be verified by selecting the university or institution the student attends and confirming the purchase is being made by a student or on behalf of a student. Ofer contingent on purchase of eligible product. Eligible product may ship separately from tablet. Dell will only accept returns of the entire bundle. Student ofer cannot be combined with coupons or other ofers. Promotional eGift Card: Arrives separately from purchase, typically in 10-20 days from ship date via email; expires in 90 days (except where prohibited by law). Terms and conditions apply. See Dell.com/giftcard/promoterms. Wi-Fi: Subject to service provider’s broadband subscription and coverage area; additional charges apply. Trademark and Copyright Notices: Ultrabook, Celeron, Celeron Inside, Core Inside, Intel, Intel Logo, Intel Atom, Intel Atom Inside, Intel Core, Intel Inside, Intel Inside Logo, Intel vPro, Itanium, Itanium Inside, Pentium, Pentium Inside, vPro Inside, Xeon, Xeon Phi, and Xeon Inside are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S. and/or other countries. Microsoft, Windows, Xbox 360 are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation. Dell Venue and Inspiron are trademarks of Dell Inc. Ofers valid 8/28 - 9/4/2014 5:59am EST Δ DELL PREFERRED ACCOUNT (DPA): Ofered to U.S. residents by WebBank, who determines qualifications for and terms of credit. Promotion eligibility varies and is determined by WebBank. Taxes, shipping, and other charges are extra and vary. Payments equal 3% of your balance or $20, whichever is greater. Minimum Interest Charge is $2.00. Rates range from 19.99% - 29.99% variable APR, as of 8/30/2014, depending on creditworthiness. *Instant savings applied at checkout when using a Dell Preferred Account™.