STRANDED

Seven totally achievable resolutions to kick off 2023

Trade in those old, stereotypical New Year's resolutions and try these instead!

hannah Katherine

COnTRIbuTER

Ringing in the new year comes with the satisfaction of a fresh start. It offers a chance to recentre yourself, regain focus, and chase your dreams. For some, New Year’s is a time for self-improvement or personal growth. Resolutions to exercise, eat healthier, and find a good work-life balance, for example, have been around for decades.

Those resolutions are all fine and dandy, but a little… boring. Trade in those dusty old pledges with these unique New Year's resolutions! With these adventurous goals, your 2023 is guaranteed to be action-packed and truly unforgettable.

1. Assemble an army of squirrels to overthrow the forces of evil in this world.

Squirrels are the most under-recognized superheroes of our time. They can run quickly, climb trees, jump great lengths, and still land in a super cool pose. Under the disguise of their cuteness, no evil will ever see them coming.

2. Befriend a unicorn and enjoy a nice spaghetti and veggie-ball dinner.

Unicorns may be hard to come by, but that does not mean they do not exist. After all, they are the national animal of Scotland for a reason! After you find your unicorn, treat them to dinner. Being mindful of a unicorn's vegetarian diet, I believe a spaghetti and veggie-ball meal will set the proper foundation for a long-lasting friendship.

3. Invent a machine that can transport you into any fictional world you love!

Do you want to tilt at windmills with Don Quixote and Rocinante, or bring a monster to life with Dr. Frankenstein? With this machine (patent pending), you can indulge in any fictional world or activity that your heart desires.

4. Create a new word for the dictionary.

Invent a new word, like Tacoatoes, and use it among your friends, peers, and coworkers as if it has already existed for ages. Watch as it catches on, and soon everyone will begin to use it in casual conversation. Who knows, maybe it will end up in the dictionary? P.S. Tacoatoes are tacos in which the hard shell has been replaced with a baked potato.

5. Bring a snowman to life and create the most epic snowball fight in human history.

First, perfect the art of making snowmen with your Snow Animation Serum (also patent pending), which not only helps build snowmen with record speed, but brings them to life! Then, call upon your worst enemy: that TA who gave you a hard time, or the barista who purposely got your mildly complex latte order wrong. With your lively snowman army, they will never know what hit them.

6. Start the latest and greatest must-have fashion trend: fuzzy bunny slippers.

Thousands of fads and new styles come and go throughout the year. Stand apart from the crowd with fuzzy, hopping bunny slippers. These are not your standard bunny slippers. These cuties come equipped with springs allowing you to effortlessly hop your way to class in style.* *It is not advised to bounce in areas with ceiling heights under four metres. Please bounce responsibly.

7. Regain the honour of all dogs by training them to do your homework.

Remember that old excuse, “My dog ate my homework?” Well, isn’t that a little unfair to all the furry friends that have never committed such a heinous crime against academia? By training your pet to write your essays and answer your calculus equations, these underdogs of education will prove that they too can excel in any field they desire.

Hopefully, this list inspires you to hop out of your comfort zone and have an adventurous 2023!