bittersweet candies

DEVARYA SINGHANIA CONTRIBUTOR

there were pit stops which reminded me of a time to escape from the monstrosity of Raman ’s futile attacks on the imperfect curvature transcending above my belly, as the few speared marks made their appearance; it’s a circus of my misery translated into fifteen languages by each member in my class as the four soldiers by my side fought for its censorship, knowing all the while that even the few prickly visible lines will tell a tale of fright, of a gore unable to be scripted in the burning pages of the novels for Raman has authored a comment— which appears not miniscule anymore. mirrors, once a friend now bitter foe echo the sentiments of dear Raman , an affair they began beyond the gaze of my comprehension as their loyalty shriveled up into a cowardly confetti layered with repeated assaults of comments so endearingly similar. the pit stops landed in candy shops, a place i could call mine. the dusty glitter of a scattered assortment of silver freckles over gummies—accompanied with the caramel gentlemen oozing with a delicacy i could devour for days; mine.

Raman was invasive too. for a forgetful moment he extracted these innocents, misled them and we fought. for a forgetful moment, i couldn’t call them mine. i still pay these gentlemen a visit, even though i’ve now grown up, and they find residence in old age homes. hoping to revive the yearning i once had for these pit stops I befriend the mirror.

| JENNIFER FONGLI

1. Talk to a friend. Sometimes all you need is a little support from a loved one to get some perspective. A good friend can remind you of their unconditional love for you. ey can tell you to ‘cheer up’ and ‘stop being sad.’ And you’ll feel less alone when they share their own, much worse problems that, frankly, you can’t hold a candle to. Besides, who are you to complain when they’re going through so much?

2. Get some exercise. is is a good one. Go for a walk and feel the winter air biting at your cheeks and take some time to appreciate the beauty of our campus. Or, hit the gym. No better distraction from mental pain than physical pain, and intense physical activity can release endorphins. Don’t worry, no one will look at your terrible form or your weird, lumpy body.

3. Talk to a stranger you just met. No friends? No problem! Chat up the guy next to you in your tutorial section. After a couple of minutes talking about your majors or whatever, it’s time to drop the bomb on just how mentally ill you are. Tell them about the sources of your trauma, how you don’t always brush your teeth in the morning, and anything else on your mind! Believe me, the baggage is easier to carry once you’ve dumped some of it on someone else.

4. Major in psychology. Not being able to a ord a psychologist doesn’t have to mean missing out on their expertise! Maybe if you learn enough clinical psychology, you’ll be able to diagnose yourself. Are you compartmentalising? Do you have a hormone imbalance? Only one way to nd out! From there, it’s just a matter of curing yourself. I’m pretty sure people who know psychology can do that.

5. Act like you’re very vulnerable and engaged with your emotions, but really you’re just analysing them as a way of avoiding feeling them. All that time spent inside your own head combined with all the psychology readings you’ve done will inevitably lead to an uncanny ability to recognise why you feel the way you feel. Why not explore that? You’ll be so busy thinking, there’ll be no room for emotions!

6. Meditate. Because if you have all your darkest feelings locked up in your head, inaccessible to you after years of avoiding them, then all you need is a recording of a soothing voice to teach you how to open them up.

7. Try to actually express your emotions by crying or screaming or something like that, but the entire time you feel as if you’re making yourself cry/scream and so you’re not sure if this even counts as feeling them, because really you’re kind of watching yourself as this happens and you don’t know how to be present with your feelings anymore. is is one of my personal favourites! #justdissociationthings

8. Self-medicate. You know what’s wrong with you, don’t you? Take matters into your own hands and contact a chemistry specialist or a computer science student to hook you up with some antidepressants, stimulants, psilocybin (you read this very cool study about magic mushrooms and now you’re hooked on the idea), or whatever it is you know you need, without having to bother with the middleman of a psychiatrist or doctor.* Goodness knows it would take months and thousands of dollars to get a prescription.

9. Take a self-care day. A fun movie, face mask, smoothie, nap, yoga routine, something will surely be the answer. Keep looking. It’s out there.

10. Contact UofT Health and Wellness for their mental health clinical services, provided at no additional cost to all UofT students! Ah, sorry, you’ll have to come back in four months; your situation isn’t urgent enough yet, and we’re somewhat short-sta ed. But we could connect you with private counselling starting at only, say, $200 per week?

* e Strand does not endorse this idea

I was reading BuzzFeed News, as I always frequent extremely reliable news sources. It said that ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ I was sceptical at rst, but I decided to try it out.” e man’s wife, Jane LastName, reported that after taking one singular bite of a Red Delicious apple, the man had keeled over, clutching his chest and falling to his knees on the kitchen oor.

TORONTO - Doctors hate him! Local man exposes an INSANE secret about health and immortality! Read until the end of the article… what you nd out may SHOCK you!

“I’ve never eaten an apple before,” said local Toronto man, John LastName, who is de nitely not fake or made up. “But then I saw an ad while

“I thought he was having a heart attack,” Jane said. “High blood pressure runs in his family. He had also been rewatching Glee recently, so admittedly, I waited a few minutes before calling an ambulance because I thought he was exhibiting typical theatre kid dramatics.”

After bringing him to Toronto General Hospital, doctors reported that John had actually experienced the opposite of a heart attack. His blood pressure problems had reportedly disappeared into thin air. Additionally, he has appeared to age backwards by 20 years and is being scouted by the

Canadian Olympic weightlifting committee due to a remarkable increase in strength. Although not con rmed, John may be immortal and is reportedly now able to walk on water.

Upon hearing this news, John’s doctor, Dr. Doctor, broke down into hysterics.

“I was dumbfounded,” Dr. Doctor said. “I actually stood up and put my hands on my face like that kid from Home Alone. What if all my patients nd out about this? How will I pay o my medical school debt now in this economy? Damn you, you crunchy, circular, ruby red fruit!”

At press time, Dr. Doctor was found murderously cutting up an apple in the hospital break room, though it was unclear whether it was due to his grievances against the produce or if he was simply enjoying a few fruit slices with a side of peanut butter.