Vol. 56 Issue8 by The Strand

the STRAND VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER

VOL. 56 ISSUE 8 • FEB.04 2014 • WWW.THESTRAND.CA

WARM UP with

ANGRY OLD MEN NOT SO EDIBLE ART THE POWER OF FANDOM VALENTINE’S DAY SURVIVAL

4 10 12 15

ALSO INSIDE . . . Controversy at Sochi 2014

The Strand looks for love

VUSAC’s roundtable discussion

VUSAC ROUNDTABLE:

Engaging in a new kind of conversation EMILY POLLOCK FEATURES EDITOR On January 31, VUSAC held a roundtable discussion on proposed changes to its internal structure. Rather than the usual meeting format, they opted to hold their meeting as a set of roundtable discussions, each one tackling a different item of business. The smaller round-tables were created to allow people to voice their opinions on the topics to be discussed, and they were open to members of the Vic community at large. This meeting format was the brainchild of President Jelena Savic and Vice President External Zack Medow. When asked why he wanted to hold the informal meeting in this way, Medow said, “We at VUSAC have seen a need for a change in the way things are, and when we started figuring what kind of changes were necessary, we wanted to make it public and open. I had just been hearing about the public arbitration methods they’ve used in Quebec and B.C., and we wanted to use the same method as a way to capture people’s voices.” After a brief delay at the beginning of the meeting—caused by the arrival of free pizza—the assembly

split up into four smaller groups and made their way to the tables. The first table, led by Enxhi Kondi, discussed what should be put in a preamble for the VUSAC constitution. In the words of Vic student Julie Zhang, “[The preamble] is for people who don’t want to read the constitution to know what VUSAC does.” This table evolved into a discussion of VUSAC’s basic aims and goals, and how best to represent them to the student body. One common theme discussed was that people on VUSAC didn’t want to imitate the UTSU’s focus on social justice advocacy—they felt “uncomfortable” with an organization imposing its values on the student body. The second table, led by Zack Medow, discussed potential plans for integrating a Board of Directors into VUSAC. The question that stirred up the most debate was whether or not to have a proportional board—one that would, because of the nature of demographics at Vic, have more commuter students. Not everyone agreed that the commuter/residence distinction was helpful, and there were general concerns that there wouldn’t

be a sufficient number of commuter students interested in filling the new position. Jelena Savic, VUSAC president, ran the third table, which talked about how the current positions at VUSAC could potentially be reorganized. This station was so popular that, initially, people had to be asked to move to other tables. The biggest topics were the possibility of eliminating both the Clubs and Communications Commissioners (the latter to be replaced with a paid position), and employing an Advocacy and Outreach position. The discussion also focused on the role of the VUSAC president and frustration with the Dean’s office. “It would be easier if the Dean’s office consulted with the students more in how they use student funds,” said Savic. “Right now, there’s a bit of a disconnect.” The fourth table, intended for the discussion of anything that the other tables had missed, was led by Leah Moncada. Although it was not as busy as some of the other tables, it hosted a lively discussion covering everything from VUSAC’s role in the university to what the Residence Liai-

son should be responsible for. This meeting aimed to be much more open and welcoming than previous ones VUSAC has held, a move praised by Vic student Dylan Moore. “I think it’s a good idea,” he said before the meeting. “A lot of the proposals seem very internally-motivated, but it’s nice they’re getting outside feedback.” However, fellow student Susan Cui wasn’t as enthused by the meeting. “There’s still a lot of confusion about what we’re doing. Some of the changes sound dangerous—the proposed advocacy position sounds like it would support VUSAC rather than the student body.” She also wasn’t impressed by how the meeting was held in the closed VUSAC office, saying, “I felt like it was a VUSAC insider meeting.” When asked about how he thought the meeting went, Medow enthused, “I felt like it was a success. Everybody made informed contributions with really good rationales behind them. It was all done in good faith.”

PHOTOS COURTESY OF SADIA AWAN

Sochi Olympics spark controversy ELIANA STANISLAWSKI A week from now. on February 7, the opening ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympics will begin. All eyes are on the Russian resort town of Sochi in the lead up to this large-scale international event. The majority of the coverage, however, has been focusing on the negative controversy surrounding these Olympics. From the safety of both the spectators and the athletes, to the potential violation of human rights by new Russian laws on homosexuality, the Sochi Olympics “may be the most controversial Games yet,” according to an article published by the Guardian. In June of last year, the Russian government signed a bill into law that prohibits the “propaganda of non-traditional sexual relations to minors,” and is criticized by many who claim that it essentially prohibits people from expressing LGBTQ preferences. Many also believe that this bill was created to quell gay rights protests

and that it is used as a justification to discriminate against and attack Russian LGBTQ individuals. Vocal Russian gay activist and writer Masha Gessen, for example, was beaten up outside the parliament buildings and has since left the country with her girlfriend and children. While there have been many recent detainments of protestors for gay rights, documented assaults of citizens based on their sexual orientation have gone largely unpunished or have been treated with leniency. Authorities including the mayor of Sochi, President Vladimir Putin, and the International Olympic Committee have stated that there will be no discrimination based on sexual orientation at the Games. However, the international community has reacted strongly to the legislation and some leaders, such as French President François Hollande, German President Joachim Gauck, and British

Prime Minister David Cameron, will not be attending the Olympics. They have not, however, named the “antigay propaganda” law as their reason for non-attendance. It has been reported that members of the LGBTQ community from other countries have cancelled their trips to see the games despite the loss of money, claiming to value their safety and rights over the financial cost. Despite the Russian authorities’ assurances of non-discrimination, in an interview with the BBC’s Panorama on Monday the Mayor of Sochi, Anatoly Pakhomov, claimed that there were no homosexuals in his city. When questioned, he said “we don’t have them in our town.” He has also told the LGBTQ community not to “impose their habits on others.” This kind of discourse has led to much of the controversy currently surrounding the Sochi Games.

Other concerns at the Games are potential security threats after two bombings last month in the southern city of Volgograd. The orchestrators of this attack have released a video informing Putin that they will be delivering a “present” to him and the spectators of the Games. There have been major efforts to tighten security at the Games, which is said to be of the highest level ever seen at any Olympics. Authorities are still strongly suggesting that members of Team USA and American spectators do not wear their gear outside of Olympic venues. The final controversy is the unprecedented cost of the Games: an estimated US$51 billion, in contrast to Vancouver’s C$7.7 billion for their Winter Olympics. This makes Sochi the most expensive Olympics in history.

ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY POLLOCK

SASHA MAKSYMENKO FLICKR CREATIVE COMMONS

UKRAINIAN PROTESTS: Escalating violence and dwindling hope

MICHAEL W.V. LAHODA Nearly two and a half months ago the President of Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, failed to sign an Association Agreement with the European Union. This resulted in mass protests against the government, initially in the capital and eventually across the country. The agreement would have allowed Ukraine to gain stronger ties with western powers, and distance itself from Russia, with hopes of bringing better living standards to its citizens. The protests which began on November 21 were originally a response to President Yanukovych's failure to sign the EU’s Association Agreement. On November 30, the Berkut riot police force dispersed the student protesters with the use of violence. This was then seen as a catalyst for the mass rallies that spread

throughout the rest of the country. The focus of these protests changed their agenda from promoting Euro-integration to fighting against government corruption and defending the civil rights of Ukrainian citizens. The protests demanded the resignation of the President, Prime Minister, and the cabinet, directing many of their calls to the Interior Minister—who directs the notorious Berkut special forces. Since his democratic re-election in 2010, President Yanukovych has re-organized the government from a parliamentary republic to a presidential system, in which it is claimed that he has manipulated tax agencies, prosecutors, courts, and other government institutions. The opposition is now calling for early elections ahead of the ones

scheduled for next year, as well as the dismissal of new anti-protest legislation passed this month which has exacerbated the current political instability. The opposition is comprised of three major political parties including ‘Udar,’ which is headed by the world boxing champion Vitali Klitschko. In an article published in The Independent, Klitschko is quoted as saying, "Not signing the EU integration agreement, attacking peaceful protesters and ignoring human rights— all of these were indicators of the way things are in Ukraine right now. If these things keep happening, then nobody can predict how it will end.” During the clashes between the Berkut Special Forces and the protesters, the Berkut have been seen beating protestors and dousing them

with water in freezing temperatures, as well as firing on them. There have been at least four protestors shot dead by police in the last two weeks. As the violence continues to worsen and some compare the situation in Kiev to civil war, President Yanukovich reportedly went on sick leave Thursday without an official address to the nation. Many believe this shows a lack of confidence in the ongoing peace talks led by Catherine Ashton, EU Representative for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy. Euromaidan, the name given to the protests, is thought of not as a political stance against Russia or pro-Europe, but as a revolution of the first postSoviet generation, who believe that their constitution does not give them a voice in the shaping of their future.

WENTING LI

SHOUTING SOPHISTS ANTHONY BURTON EDITORIAL ASSISTANT “Moderately Successful Businessman Displays Misplaced Sense of Superiority” sounds like an Onion headline, but that’s exactly how one would describe what happened last week when Kevin O’Leary celebrated capitalism as an effort game, one that he is very good at (if his shady accounting tactics and overstated earnings aren’t considered cheating), on his publicly funded show on Canada’s publicly funded network. See the irony? O’Leary obviously doesn’t, because he keeps talking. O’Leary has made his pop culture name recently playing venture capitalist for kids on CBC’s

Dragon’s Den as well as playing Jekyll to esteemed, educated, and credentialed financial reporter Amanda Lang’s Hyde on The Lang O’Leary Exchange. He’s brash, argumentative, full of vitriol—and, a quick Google search will tell you, often flat-out wrong. So why do we give him such attention and laud him as a professional role model, so much so that somebody thought it a good idea to publish a book of his life philosophy? In short, why do we give a shit? The same question can be asked about “7th Greatest Canadian” Don Cherry, of

Hockey Night in Canada fame. He of many blindnesses—pattern, colour (but certainly not race)—has a firm seat in Canadian living rooms every Saturday night for eight months of the year. He’s generated plenty of controversy over the years due to racist and ignorant comments, as well as a generally violent and unforgiving disposition. By decrying things that make the game safer for players—such as visors and stronger penalty enforcement—under the guise of toughness and grit, he’s putting the legions of kids who worship all things hockey at risk of injury while giving them the idea

that tough is good. Anybody with half a hockey sense smells right away why he only coached for six years, even in the notorious old boy’s club that is NHL coaching—his fetishization of brawn over scoring ability, his dismissal of “skill players” (read: Europeans) couldn’t win when the game sped up in the 1980’s, but it sure gets people talking when caretaker Ron McLean gives him his weekly half hour outside of the home. Which is what defenders of people like Don Cherry and Kevin O’Leary argue: it gets people talking, so people watch to stay conversational around the water cooler, so networks can leverage their higher ratings to advertisers for more cash, so the pockets of the private owners of these networks grow heavier. TV is a business, and the loud-man-says-controversial-thing formula for ratings isn’t unique to the CBC. In fact, the two people who come to mind most often when said trope is mentioned share our grammar but not our nation: Britons Gordon Ramsay and Simon Cowell. The latter was arguably the architect of the asshole archetype, with his smarmy dismissals of amateur singers chasing their lifelong dreams shaping American Idol into a cultural staple. With Simon, Randy, and Paula slowly cementing themselves as the id-ego-superego of America’s psyche, Idol’s wild success has lined Cowell’s pockets as a showrunner as well as a judge. Similarly, Ramsay played Satan in the proliferated cooking show universe of American television, and his popularity has skyrocketed since. Both men are not only qualified in critiquing and cooking, respectively, but are also producers of their shows and chief capitalizers of their brands. The morality of playing a mean character under the guise of your own personality is questionable at best, but other than the muddy definition of “reality TV”, it’s fruitless to get angry over two men using the spectacularity of rudeness to sell a product—just

exercise your opinion by not buying. Some people listen to the loudest person talking, and these guys are making a living off of that fact. They often don’t claim to be right about anything societally significant; cuisine and chorus are two of the most subjective things in the public consciousness. So why draw distinction between these shameless shysters and a couple of good ol’ Canadian lads? The CBC is a publicly funded network. That’s the reason, boiled down to a single sentence. Why does this matter? Well, besides the complete inability to imagine a classified idiot holding fort on the holy grail of public media, NPR, the purpose of public media must by definition be different from that of private media, or else it would have no reason to be. Tune into any CBC Radio station; watch any (admittedly, not always strong) CBC sitcom; do either at 6PM weekdays; the common thing that underlies these various mediums is the public good—whether that be education, cultural expression, or dissemination of news. That is to say, none of the reasons that would justify having someone like Cowell or Ramsay on publicly funded broadcasting. O’Leary is touted as an economic intellectual; he doesn’t even have an undergraduate economics education. Cherry is said to be the all-knowing Father Hockey; his resistance to almost every change in the NHL over the last ten years, from safety visors, rules to speed up the game, and European players, have been only that: resistance and fear towards inevitable change, not the much-needed integrity checks he’s so fond of loudly giving to the game. People tune in to the CBC not just to be entertained, but to be informed. The government has much more direct ways of making money than running the CBC as a profit vehicle, and that’s why it does not. So it should not be held to the same standard as a profit vehicle normally would— we look to it not just for entertainment but

to be informed, and thus it is its duty not just to entertain but to inform. O’Leary and Cherry should not be paid by taxpayers’ dollars to spread their highly misinformed and biased opinions, and by continuing to give these men both money and airtime the CBC is committing moral felony. Strong words, but these men’s opinions are not only wrong but dangerous. Cherry’s fetishization of violence has encouraged the 600,000 kids enrolled in minor hockey to play a game that is far more dangerous than it needs to be. O’Leary’s belief that the richest 85 people in the world own just as much wealth as its poorest half—that’s 3.5 billion—speak to his blinding ignorance and was deemed “appalling” by Forbes magazine. O’Leary and Cherry’s opinions are made all the more dangerous when delivered over the public spectrum, as they take on the form of fact and cultural representation. This then teaches the uninformed that these views are held by the CBC, which as a governmental representation we take to have the views of the government, of our people. We’re witnessing firsthand how the truly outrageous parts of Canada are what the rest of the world judges us by through the Rob Ford scandal; anybody on a global scale who catches wind of the dinner for schmucks that is an evening on our only national public broadcast channel would not be irrational to conclude that those people are who we listen to and trust in the Great White North. In short, supporting their words through the vehicle of the CBC looks bad of us because it is bad of us. Not everybody has the time or the resources to take a well-thought-out and critical approach to the media they consume. It’s up to the CBC to try and improve our collective cultural and intellectual landscape, not cater to our inability to look away from a train wreck. If Kevin O’Leary yelled and no camera was around to record it, would anybody give a shit?

letter to the

EDITORS

OUR MASTHEAD Editors-in-Chief editor@thestrand.ca

Patrick Mujunen Paula Razuri Blaire Townshend

News

Catriona Spaven-Donn

Opinions

Sara Deris

Features

features@thestrand.ca

Amanda Aziz Emily Pollock

Arts & Culture

Claire Wilkins

Film & Music

Dominique Béchard

Stranded

Emily Deibert Olesya Lyuzna

news@thestrand.ca opinions@thestrand.ca

artsandculture@thestrand.ca filmandmusic@thestrand.ca

stranded@thestrand.ca

Production

plenty of amazing romantic comedies that don’t focus on a buff, misunderstood male who rescues a reserved, nerdy girl to show her that, yeah, girl, you can be beautiful. The point is that if something is bad, it’s simply bad; it doesn’t have to do with the genre it employs. The following letter is a response to the comparative arguments made in an article from the last issue of The Strand in which the form of the graphic novel was heightened above the comic book. While we believe the writer of the original article did not have ill intentions in using such generic comparisons, we believe the following piece to be illuminating and well-informed. We thank both writers for their contributions. -PR

Nikki Gosselin

production@thestrand.ca

Design

Jade Bryan Sarah Crawley

design@thestrand.ca

Copy

Matthew Casaca

copy@thestrand.ca

Photo

Victoria Chuen Thomas Lu

photo@thestrand.ca

Art

Wenting Li

Web

Thanasi Karachotzitis

Distribution

Nigel Maynard

art@thestrand.ca

Editorial Assistants

Anthony Burton Rhianna Jackson-Kelso Eanna Morrison Barrs Lauren Van Klaveren

Contributors Miranda Alksnis, Neil MacIssac, Elia Stanislawski, Michael W.V. Lahoda, Tara Abrahams, Sam Feldman, Ellie Laffing, Clara Feinstein, Emily Dyer, John Debono Illustrations Sarah Crawley, Seolim Hong, Wenting Li, Emily Pollock, Warren Goodwin Cover Photo Victoria Chuen

The Strand has been the newspaper of record for Victoria University since 1953. It is published 12 times a year with a circulation of 2000 and is distributed in Victoria University buildings and across the University of Toronto’s St. George campus. The Strand flagrantly enjoys its editorial autonomy and is committed to acting as an agent of constructive social change. As such, we will not publish material deemed to exhibit racism, sexism, homo/trans*phobia, ableism, or other oppressive language. The Strand is a proud member of the Canadian University Press (CUP). Our offices are located at 150 Charles St. W., Toronto, ON, M5S 1K9. Please direct enquiries by email to editor@thestrand.ca. Submissions are welcome and may be edited for taste, brevity, and legality.

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I once overheard a conversation in the beginning of class among a couple of pretentious students (you know the type) in which one scoffed laughed and said something along the lines of “no, that’s not a graphic novel, that’s a comic book!” I don’t know what book in particular they were talking about, but the message was clear: that particular item wasn’t sophisticated enough to warrant this savant’s use of the term “graphic novel”. Devaluing a work by referring to its genre is something that happens quite often. If you tell someone your favourite type of film is the romantic comedy, they might look at you funny; after all, 50 First Dates didn’t take home the Palme D’Or. However, quality is not inherently embedded in genre. There are

MIRANDA ALKSNIS The question of comics’ literary value is one in which I’m very interested, and one that has wideranging implications for art and literature. In the recent article “Another Kind of Beast: Defending the Graphic Novel,” the writer argues that the graphic novel is a valid literary form with the potential to be intelligent and make use of unique and creative effects. The works of Alan Moore, Art Spiegelman, and Daniel Clowes—all referenced by the writer in the article—are excellent examples of visually stunning, profound literary works that fall under the category of “graphic novel.” The bulk of the writer’s argument, however, consists of criticism for what is termed the “comic book.” She sets up a distinction between the comic and the “graphic novel” as a way of elevating the latter above what she characterizes as a shallow form that relies on fast-paced action and superficial plot. There seems to be some confusion surrounding the term “comic book”. The writer refers repeatedly to the comic book in general, but uses the—usually broad—term to refer exclusively to a single subset of comics—the superhero comic. When referring to the comics’ medium as a whole, I personally prefer the term “sequential art”, a more appropriate umbrella term coined by comics legend Will Eisner. While referring to the superhero genre, the writer omits several important and legitimate critiques of the superhero comic book, including frequent expository dialogue, hypersexualization of female characters, and masculine wish-fulfilment. These issues go unmentioned in favour of more literary problems of plot and pacing. The superhero comic book is (historically, though this is changing) primarily a white, Western genre (the writer exclusively references works by white men in her article), and her analysis of the form ignores comic-equivalent forms from other parts of the world, as well as the unique inventory of effects of those forms. Comics are a medium, and like any medium they have the potential to achieve diverse and interesting effects. However, the writer sets up the graphic novel as distinct from the comic book in terms of those same effects. This argument relies upon the supposed inability of the 24-page comic to capture depth of meaning and to achieve anything beyond the “fast pace associated with comics.” Interestingly, both Watchmen and V for Vendetta, two of the writer’s examples of graphic novels, were originally created as serialized comics. This is not a coincidence. These are works of incredible depth and artistry in part because of their serialization, not despite it. The serial

format of comics allows for lengthy, poignant story arcs to extend over multiple issues—defying the writer’s erroneous assertions as to what a 24-page comic can accomplish. Look no further than Watchmen to understand the potential poignancy, depth, and masterful pacing possible in a single issue of a serial comic. The line between comics and graphic novels is blurry and permeable. In her article, the writer references a graphic novel based on the notorious Marvel Comic’s character Deadpool. However, according to its publication history, Deadpool has never existed in graphic novel form. Nor has Deadpool ever had the literary value or critical acclaim of the writer’s other examples, due to the comics’ notorious gore and crude humour. However, the writer’s mistake highlights an important facet of the negotiations between comics and graphic novels. It has become common practice to publish collections of serial comics in a “trade paperback”, a volume often similar in length to graphic novels. Sometimes, as is the case with works like Watchmen and V for Vendetta, the original serialized comic is collected and published, like a trade paperback, and if it is deemed to be of literary value, the term “graphic novel” is slapped on to widen its readership. Graphic novels are comics. At their most essential level, both are combinations of words and images. The term “graphic novel” was devised to separate so-called “intelligent comics” from their mainstream ilk, a separation that is artificial and that demeans the possibility of literary value in traditional mainstream comic books. The writer seeks to divorce the graphic novel from its humble origins, and align it with another familiar literary form: “[graphic novels] can capture as wide an array of subject matter as any conventional text-based novel.” In my view, assigning a (comparatively) young, exciting medium value only as it adheres to standards of the literary novel undermines the diversity and originality of that medium. Furthermore, it does not actually lift graphic novels out of the reputation rut their parent form has fallen into. The problem some have with graphic novels stems from the very structures it has in common with comic books. Lambasting the comic book does not get to the root of the vilification of sequential art. Our society is one that views the combining of words and images as infantile and antithetical to literary value; let’s broaden our definition of art, instead, and make sure we don’t let a masterpiece pass us by.

The Strand is pleased to announce the topic for this spring’s magazine issue: Bodies. We’re looking for content based on how the concept of bodies plays a role in our society. Be it the representation of the physical, emotional, political, intellectual, and even the personal form. Send in reviews, personal stories, critiques, articles, and art of all kinds—we want to hear from you! We will be accepting: - Submissions of 500-2500 words - Photography / photo essays - Artwork Pitch your ideas to magazine@thestrand.ca before February 13th, 2014

Sarah Catriona POSITION: On top...of the news MAJORS/MINORS: Major in Spanish, minor in Latino lust PICK-UP LINE: ¿Qué pasa guapo? BIGGEST TURN-ON: Dark eyes, dark hair, sexy Spanish whispers** HOBBIES & INTERESTS: You (but only if you read the news) HOTTEST PLACE ON CAMPUS: Campus isn’t very hot just now… GUILTY PLEASURE: **

Amanda

POSITION: Editor of Designs (on you) MADE IN: Your wildest dreams MAJORS/MINORS: Major in attraction, minor in hard-to-get PICK-UP LINE: Ever seen a tight layout turn into a bangin' hard copy? FAVOURITE THING TO EAT: Whatever's on the Men-u, baby HOTTEST PLACE ON CAMPUS: Whenever I want to get Inn-(H)is Town Hall I just head down to Sussssexy Avenue

Art by the lovely Sarah Crawley

POSITION: If you spread the newspaper just wide enough to the centrefold, you’ll find my Features section PICK-UP LINE: “O! Let me bequeef unto you the second best bed in the house.” – Horny Shakespeare Fan BIGGEST TURN-ON: STD pelvic exam commissioned by the MRA, and all of my exes ROMANTIC HORROR STORY: Trapped in a closet IDEAL FIRST DATE: My right hand GUILTY PLEASURE: My left hand.

Date the

Sometimes the Strand office ca

Emily D POSITION: Stranded Co-Editor MAJORS/MINORS: Ursa. (Astronomy joke? 'Cause I'm actually majoring in Astrophysics? No?) METHOD OF CHOICE: MLA. I ain't about that footnote citation life IDEAL FIRST DATE: We decide to watch a movie on Netflix at my place. You accidentally leave your account signed in. You never hear from me again. You also never figure out why Pretty Little Liars keeps showing up in your "recently watched" feed HOBBIES & INTERESTS: Sleeping, napping, resting, dozing, and occasionally partaking in siestas ROMANTIC HORROR STORY: I once sneezed in my boyfriend's face as he was leaning in to kiss me 8

Anthony POSITION: Editorial Assistant/Wordsmith—It inspires my secretary Fanfic MAJORS/MINORS: Major in philosophy, minors: Chilean and trapped PICK-UP LINE: "I'm really close with my mom" BIGGEST TURN-ON: Sexts in Comic Sans GUILTY PLEASURE: Yelling over people about Kanye's cultural and musical significance HOBBIES & INTERESTS: Sarging, negging and peacocking. Does this fedora make me look like a creep?

Paula POSITION: The Dirty Nelly/ The Bawse MAJORS/MINORS: Major in keeping it real, minor in 360 ollie burrito flips 2da max PICK-UP LINE: *banshee scream* HOBBIES & INTERESTS: Yes HOTTEST PLACE ON CAMPUS: Any place that Demon Paula might be hiding—you never know where you’ll find her! GUILTY PLEASURE: Not guilty y’all got to feel me

Claire

Emily P

POSITION: Arse and Culture MAJORS/MINORS: Labia majora, labia minora PICK-UP LINE: “If you show me yours I’ll show you mine... That is a good layout. We should run that.” BIGGEST TURN-ON: Dance moves like Elaine Benes HOTTEST PLACE ON CAMPUS: Uranus ROMANTIC HORROR STORY: The internet crashes, but you describe the entire plot of the newest episode of Game of Thrones to me in sensual detail

POSITION: Compromising MAJORS/MINORS: Majoring in awkward self-deprecation, minoring in angry feminism FAVOURITE THING TO EAT: Ur white male tearz METHOD OF CHOICE: Scientific, obviously. GUILTY PLEASURE: Reading Ayn Rand and pretending it’s comedy BIGGEST REGRET: Everything I wrote in last year’s Date the Strand

e Strand

Sara POSITION: Opinions/Strand Boobs-inresidence PICK-UP LINE: "Wanna see me kick this mailbox?" BIGGEST TURN-ON: Encouraging wanton property destruction FAVOURITE THING TO EAT: Does bourbon count? BIGGEST REGRET: NONE SUCKAS GUILTY PLEASURE: I hate Lena Dunham vehemently but I can't stop watching Girls

an get a little lonely at night...

Olesya Blaire POSITION: Editor-in-Chief the III MAJORS/MINORS: Major in LongDead Authors, Resulting Minor in Hopeless Pop Culture Inadequacy PICK-UP LINE: Sound of tumbleweed on empty street as I run away HOBBIES & INTERESTS: I have recently learned how to hashtag things “I CAME IN LIKE A...”: Bold gerund GUILTY PLEASURE: It is my particular joy to force the oxford comma upon the world

Rhianna POSITION: Editorial Sub MAJORS/MINORS: Major performance issues, minor case of the heebie-jeebies PICK-UP LINE: “I’d let you conjugate my verbs any day.” METHOD OF CHOICE: Socratic “BIG HEART, SMALL...”: List of future career options HOTTEST PLACE ON CAMPUS: On the bench beside the Northrop Frye statue. He’s got some smooth moves!

Lauren POSITION: Editorial Assistant MAJORS/MINORS: Majorly classy, minor in sassy BIGGEST TURN-ON?: Motherfunkin’ tweed onesies FAVOURITE THING TO EAT: Your heart, Daenerys Targaryen style, but neater WORST PICK UP LINE USED ON YOU: “I know I’m sexist, but we can work on it!” GUILTY PLEASURE: The (acting) Culkin brothers, specifically Kieran

POSITION: Stranded on the last page of every issue MAJORS/MINORS: Major in Economics, minor in Selfies BIGGEST TURN-ON: Extensive knowledge of the Gram-Schmidt process METHOD OF CHOICE: Suggestively liking Facebook profile pics HOBBIES & INTERESTS: Coffee, Instagram and the occult HOTTEST PLACE ON CAMPUS: The stacks on the thirteenth floor of Robarts

a/c

(NOT SO) EDIBLE ART A review of: Fat in Public

INTERVIEW: Comedian K Trevor Wilson Gets Comfortable

TARA ABRAHAMS STAFF WRITER A small gallery with a big presence is currently holding Fat Girl Food Squad’s penultimate presentation, Fat in Public, an art show celebrating the body and what it consumes in all of its various shapes and sizes. Opening night—January 30— was a blow-out with a packed venue at 2186 Dundas and plenty of enthused patrons. A mixed bag of candy from The Candy Bar (located at 849 College St, for all aspiring candy connoisseurs) is offered to each person who enters to view the equally-as-mixed bag of art. The treat, along with a cash bar serving Niagara wine and some bass-heavy music playing softly in the background made for a welcoming atmosphere. I was immediately drawn in to the gallery despite its crowded interior. Upon first entering the gallery, I made a beeline to Megan Stuhlberg’s bright and colourful patterned paintings. Ryerson student and “social media busy bee” at her university’s publication, The Continuist, she worked with Ama Scriver, Head Bitch in Charge of Fat Girl Food Squad, and lead photographer, Yuli Scheidt, to coordinate the show, and was proud to have her work on display. Her bright and whimsical paintings of foods such as avocados, strawberries, bacon, and fried eggs looked absolutely delicious to

YULI SCHIEDT

the wandering eye. Featured beside her work was Amanda Drodge’s Imper fections and Lines, three beautifully embroidered artistic renditions of the stretch marks and scars that can (and often do) adorn our bodies. Photography work by Yuli Scheidt was the third showing to which I was drawn. It featured images of herself in a position of vulnerability and close-up images of hands drawn over food. Scheidt succeeds in creating her intended “…dreamlike vignettes [that] showcase the sticky, verboten desires associated with fat.” The media used to create the gorgeous art present at this gallery ranged from simple ink to photography to soft-form sculpture, creating an assortment that was as tantalizing as the proffered candy. Bright colours on one wall contrasted with black-and-white ink drawings of beautiful bodies, creating juxtaposition that pleased the viewer. With so many styles and representations of the human body, from the obvious to the abstractly shown, it was impossible to tour the small gallery for less than an hour. I spent a fulfilling evening at Fat in Public, and would recommend everyone do the same... If only for an excuse to quiet that rumbling stomach afterward (dinner at the Candy Bar, anyone?).

Fat in Public is available for viewing at 2186 Dundas St West from January 30 to February 5. More information can be found on their Facebook event page “FAT IN PUBLIC”, or online at fatgirlfoodsquad.com.

SAM FELDMAN In September, Just for Laughs, one of the world’s largest comedy festivals, came to Toronto. My hilarious friend K Trevor Wilson was asked to open for Sarah Silverman along with doing a bunch of amazing shows of his own. This was a follow up to last year when he opened for Louis CK and Patton Oswalt. After the festival ended I met up with K Trev to talk about this and last year. I asked where he felt like meeting, picturing some restaurant or café. His choice? Vapor Central, a barelylegal marijuana lounge near Yonge and Bloor where he happens to be a member. THE STRAND: So how did Louis happen? K TREVOR WILSON: I got the phone call asking me if I wanted to do more shows and I said yeah, let’s pile it on, get the exposure. And she said, “How would you like to open for Louis’ shows?” And I was like, “Yeah, no, that sounds great.” She goes, “Oh good, he’ll be happy because he requested you.” And I was like, “Don’t- don’t -- don’t lie to a guy like that. That better be real, ‘cause you can’t just say that to me, ‘cause I’m going to tell people [and] if that’s not true I’m gonna look like an idiot.” [She said,] “No, no, we sent him tape of all the people he didn’t know on the festival, he saw your tape and then, ah, I actually heard that they sent all the tapes to Louis’ agent and then Louis himself emailed them back and said, ‘I’ll take K Trevor Wilson.’” TS: Wow, that’s awesome. KTW: He liked the penis game story, and when I opened for him that was the joke he requested… And then Todd Barry was worried about how good the joke was because he had to follow me. He was like, “Is that a really good bit?” Louis’s like, “you’ll be fine.” He’s like, “Don’t just say that. How good is that bit? I gotta go on right after him, so what do I have to do?” And then Todd and I shared a dressing room and he kept pressing about the bit… I explained the gist of it: me and my brother playing the penis game in church. Todd’s like, “That’s the bit Louis’s been

telling me about, that sounds like a great bit!” “Well that’s my closer right now.” He’s like, “You’re going straight to your closer? That’s not fair!” Todd Barry gets rather nervous. TS: Apparently. KTW: Before I went on I was sweating bullets. I turned to [my roommate] and said, “There’s a good chance that when they say my name I’m gonna puke in that bucket and then walk out there.” Louis overheard her and I and he came up to me almost right after and was like, “You ever done any shows like this?” I’m like, “Quite honestly, sir, this is the largest show I’ve ever been on.” And he just put his arm around me and pulled me in and was like, “You don’t have to worry about it. These people paid good money to laugh. You can go out there and say hello a hundred times, they’re not gonna get mad at you. You just gotta find your groove and do your thing and you’ll be fine out there, don’t even sweat it.” It was nice of him to say, but when he was onstage Todd sat down next to me, goes like, “Do you get nervous doing theatres?” I’m like, “I was shaking like Gene Wilder in Blazing Saddles the whole time I was up there.” He’s like, “I get scared to death every time I have to do one of these, they just freak me out. I think you have to do a hundred theatres before you feel comfortable in one.” He points at Louis and goes, “This asshole doesn’t even know he’s in a theatre right now.”

INTERESTED IN COMEDY? COME AND CHECK OUT NEVER TOO YOUNG FOR PROFANITY AT THE CENTRAL (MARKHAM AND BLOOR) ON THE FIRST TUESDAY OF EVERY MONTH, COHOSTED BY YOURS TRULY (SAM FELDMAN). NEXT SHOW FEBRUARY 4TH, PWYC, 7:30 PM.

LAUREN VAN KLAVEREN

TRUE STORIES TOLD LIVE

LAUREN VAN KLAVEREN EDITORIAL ASSISTANT I arrived at The Garrison about half an hour early to join a small crowd in the doorway, all people who willingly braved the sub-zero winter chill to attend this event. Soon, Marsha Shandur, the organizer, opened the door and thanked us warmly for waiting in the cold. All I knew of True Stories Live at this point was that there were five pre-arranged speakers who would be baring their souls to a room of mostly strangers. The requirements, as listed on the True Stories Toronto website, are that the story can be about anything as long as it is about the speaker, is told without notes, no longer than ten minutes (though this rule seems somewhat flexible), and completely true. After everyone had settled into their seats, an exuberant Marsha stood in front of the stage at the

dimly lit microphone to greet the audience. She affectionately referred to everyone as her “True Stories Live family.” Her love for the show was evident. Marsha acknowledged the universal necessity of human connection, and how telling stories is an integral part of this need. “Story telling is an active process…not like movies where it’s just you and the movie,” she said. Best of all, the show is and always has been free to attend. All five of the speakers were incredibly engaging and a lot of fun to listen to. The first speaker, Anto Man-Ming Chan, was charming and hilarious as he retold the story of a lover he had had during his time in university, and the very unlikely way that they reunited eight years after going their separate ways. They are still together, in fact, she was in the audience. Fol-

lowing Anto was Philip Lortie, telling his incredible story about a camping disaster in which his and his friend’s physical and mental strengths were tested to the brink. The final storyteller before the break was Claire Farmer, who performed a really great acoustic rendition of Don’t Stand So Close To Me by The Police to accompany her retelling of an extraordinarily awkward experience she had performing at the wedding of a Professor and his former student (who was also her former roommate). The final speakers were Ashley Sirianni and Robert Keller. Ashley’s very visual story about being stranded at Stonehenge was somehow distinctly relatable despite the mystical setting, and Robert’s story about crashing the Saturday Night Live after-party on two separate occasions was likely

the most outrageous one of the whole night. Despite the differences between each story, all the speakers held in common an affinity for truisms— from “you have no control over the actions of others” to “don’t sing at weddings,” I felt as though I had been imparted with valuable nuggets of wisdom by the night’s end. Marsha welcomes and encourages anyone and everyone to email her and share their experience with her. The shows fill up pretty quickly, but she is always open to booking new speakers. The next show will take place on March 25, so be sure to head to The Garrison and hear some incredible stories from members of the Toronto community! You just might learn something.

THE GREAT UPHEAVAL: MASTERPIECES FROM THE GUGGENHEIM COLLECTION, 1910-1918

CORBIN SMITH

ELLIE LAFFING

The Great Upheaval: Masterpieces from the Guggenheim Collection, 1910-1918 runs until March 2, 2014 at the AGO.

The AGO is currently exhibiting The Great Upheaval: Masterpieces from the Guggenheim Collection, 1910-1918, which one can interpret as a visual discourse between the societal changes of twentieth century Europe and the innovation of the art world. The artistic endeavors during this time period facilitated a conversation between artists and artistic movements—a conversation that redefined prior limitations in art, as well as introducing discursive forms of expression such as futurism, cubism, and abstraction. Artists such as Picasso, Boccioni, Kandinsky, and Matisse are displayed, and great emphasis is placed on the paradigm shift that took external influences of the early twentieth century and communicated them through these new visual movements. The exhibit demands great attention to the external. However, most of the work is representative of the artists’ internal responses to these changes. Perhaps it is the physical arrangement of the exhibit itself—with works such as Kandinsky’s Landscape With Rain across from Modigliani’s Nude—that allows for a timeless conversation amongst the works of art, and amongst movements creating one of the most notable artistic discourses. The collection speaks volumes to the creative dedication and innovative passions of each artist. Each painting expresses the changes in the language of art and the necessity of capturing the beauty of these changing moments.

F/M

UKULELE MANIA CLARA FEINSTEIN fad, and the ukulele was launched into American popular music. The instrument even headed to Vaudeville, where Cliff Edwards would often accompany himself on the ukulele, for which he earned the title of “Ukulele Ike.” The ukulele fell into obscurity for many decades after this era, until its reemergence in the 1990s. With the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole, the ukulele was put back on the map with the help of a musician from the Hawaiian tradition. In a chat with The Strand, Brian LeBlanc, manager of the guitar department at Remenyi music store, showed me around the store. We talked about why the uke has become so trendy and current, and whether it will maintain its success. Brian believes there are four reasons why the uke has become so popular: its affordability, its portability, its easiness to learn, and its natural element of fun. Ukuleles can range from $70$2,000, and often the cheaper option is sold the most. It is easy to carry

SEOLIM H

ONG

Last holiday break, my parents gave me a cute little tenor ukulele. It was a gift I wanted because a friend had one and it looked fun; fun is perhaps a mundane word, but a word that is perfect when describing this instrument. Over the past five years, the ukulele has exploded into mainstream culture. All of a sudden, what had been incredibly unpopular in the musical world for decades was coming back to life. Ukuleles are featured in every music store display window. It is an instrument that anyone can play at any age. But there is more to the uke than most people think. It has a long history and can be seen as a valuable instrument in its own right, rather than a stepping-stone to learning guitar. The ukulele, invented in the 19th century, originated in Hawaii and garnered popularity with King Kalakaua, who used the instrument at royal gatherings. The ukulele then headed east in 1915, where George E. K. Awai and his Royal Hawaiian Quartet became an instant success. Hawaiian-themed songs became a

and can be taken when traveling. The nylon strings and shorter neck of the instrument (which lessen string tension) mean that it is easier to press down on in order to produce a nice sound. LeBlanc says, “It’s comfort food for your ears, quote me on that! Fun breeds fun. It’s instant gratification.” In the summertime, LeBlanc says the store sold about 6-12 ukuleles a day. “About 5 years ago, we started getting people asking for ukuleles, so I ordered a few in and they sold. I ordered more and again they sold fast. I just kept getting them and slowly the guitar section grew into the ukulele section... with some guitars!” The ukulele is proving to be beneficial for the music industry and music stores, as instruments generally begin at much higher costs — to this, the ukulele provides a nice alternative. In 2006, Jake Shimabukuro released a video on Youtube playing George Harrison’s “While My Guitar Gently Weeps,” which recieved 12 million hits. A virtuoso on the ukulele, Jake showed audiences that the ukulele is more than just a ‘smaller

guitar’; it can stand on its own. The ukulele is also beneficial for the people who learn it. In 1960, teacher J. Chalmers Doane introduced the ukulele into music education as an inexpensive way for children to learn a musical instrument. Because the ukulele translates so well into guitar, it can make it easier for children when they transfer to other instruments. “It’s great,” Brian states, “it can only be beneficial. I get parents who come in wanting their three-year-old kid to learn guitar, but it’s too big, so I just give them a baritone ukulele and it’s essentially the same. Kids are learning music. It’s inexpensive and immerses them in music from a young age.” He does not believe the ukulele mania is just a fad either: “It has so many pros. The ukulele is here to stay.” That was just the response I wanted to hear. I have gotten nothing but joy from my ukulele, and I hope to continue our time together playing some music and sharing it with family and friends.

EMILY POLLOCK

THE POWER OF FANDOM EMILY DYER At the beginning of January, after two long years, BBC Sherlock fans at last got what wanted: season 3. This season promised to wrap up all of the loose ends from last season, and to show once and for all how Sherlock had faked his death. And as the first episode began, it seemed to be doing just that. It started with a replay of Sherlock’s death, from his perspective, and went on through everything he would have done to convince John Watson and the rest of his society that he was, in fact, dead. Then he kissed Molly Hooper, and it began to feel a bit too much like a fan fiction. As it turned out, it was; it was an illustration of how Anderson thought Sherlock might have pulled off his grand escape, and probably was not what had actually happened. Another theory on how Sherlock might have survived centered on Sherlock and Moriarty having a secret love affair. This is clearly a nod to the many fan stories that make Sherlock and Watson into a gay couple. These fan fictions are everywhere; at a panel at the premiere of season 3, host Caitlin Moran forced lead actors Bene-

dict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman to read out a homoerotic fan fiction, to the embarrassment of the actors and the fan writer. Including fan fiction in the show seemed to be a fitting, and much less embarrassing, tribute to the fandom. However, nods to fans continued throughout the first two episodes. The series seemed to focus too much on character development, creating love interests for both Watson, in his wife Mary, and apparently Sherlock, in his short (and ultimately artificial) relationship with one of Mary’s bridesmaids. Character development takes away from the mysteries in these newest episodes in a way that it never did before, and at least the first two episodes seemed to contain more humor than solving of mysteries. In the second episode, which was mostly about Watson’s marriage, the mystery was not even introduced for 20 minutes, and when it was, it was incorporated mostly into Sherlock’s best man speech so as not to break up the continuity of the episode. Overall, the first two episodes of this season felt somewhat like filler, and in a show with only three epi-

sodes per season the creators cannot really afford to make any filler. They were fun to watch, especially for devoted fans, but they advanced Sherlock and Watson’s personal lives without really changing their professional lives or creating any sort of ongoing narrative. In the first two seasons, there was a nod to a powerful criminal figure, which turned out to be Moriarty, in every episode, except episode two season two. This created a sort of internal continuity. In the third season, though, this did not exist until episode three. The only nod to something greater happening in the first two episodes came with Watson’s unexplained abduction in the middle of episode one. Episode three follows the traditional Sherlock narrative, following a mystery all the way through, and focusing on the development of the characters relationship through solving that mystery. It seemed to fall back into mode used in the first two seasons. However, the end of the season seemed again to be a nod to the fans; it brought back Moriarty, who seemed to be most distinctly dead at

the end of last season, when he shot himself in the head. The conflict between Sherlock and Moriarty was a major part of what made the show popular, and there has been a lot of speculation on fan sites that he may have survived their last encounter. Resurrecting this character, though, opens Sherlock up to the same critique that co-creator Steven Moffat’s other show, Doctor Who, often gets: it seems that in these worlds, no one really ever dies. Though the creators could continue to do great things with Moriarty, it seems like they may have already come to the point of recycling. Sherlock fans will likely have to wait another year or two for the next series. Until then, it might be interesting to look at the influence of fandoms on other major show. The use of fan sites to plot a television show seems to set an interesting precedent. Will more TV shows begin to draw their plot points from user created content? Will major studios begin to reciprocate the interest from the Internet? Either way, it will be an experiment in the power of the fans.

HBO

WARREN GOODWIN

TELEVISION

E V I ECT

T E D UE

y now, we’ve come to hold high expectations for HBO and their schedule. It is difficult to predict how Nic Pizzolatto’s True Detective will rank with the classics after only three episodes, but the tension and menace that ground the show make for a promising start.

’s HBO

ic? s s a l ue c

JOHN DEBONO True Detective takes places in rural Louisiana, where homicide detectives Rust Cohle (Matthew McConaughey) and Martin Hart (Woody Harrelson) search for a mysterious serial killer. Throughout a period of seventeen years, the case takes a severe toll on both men’s professional and personal lives. This is an incredibly graphic and bleak show. No one would suspect sidesplitting laughs from a serial killer drama, but True Detective’s humorless nature makes it less accessible than HBO’s most popular shows. Instead, what floats between the mystery is a verbal sparring match between conventional, but hypocritical beliefs (Hart) and nihilistic realism (Cohle). Without all the right aspects working together, it could come off as pretentious and unbearable to watch. Fortunately, however, True Detective is beautifully shot by Cary Fukunaga

to create a southern gothic aesthetic. Even in the show’s most grotesque moments, Fukunaga shows a great eye for visuals and atmosphere. However, what really makes True Detective fantastic is top-notch acting from the two leads. Continuing his career resurgence, McConaughey gives an outstanding performance as the troubled and anti-social Cohle. Gone is the charisma that we associate with McConaughey; in its place are the cold eyes of a man who has been beaten down by life. McConaughey shows a maturity and boldness that not even Dallas Buyers Club has allowed him to explore. While slightly overshadowed by his costar, Harrelson also gives an excellent performance as the self-righteous Hart. Few actors can portray “morally conflicted” so well, and Harrelson really captures the frustration of a man trying to main-

tain the façade of conventional morals. The tension between these two characters makes True Detective absolutely captivating. Unfortunately, viewers will only get to watch eight episodes with these characters, as the show will follow an anthology format with a new crime and cast each season. However, a tightly constructed arc more than makes up for the lack of time. If Nic Pizzolatto can maintain this high level of quality throughout the different stories, True Detective will become a classic of the crime genre.

DOWNTON ABBEY Old era, new plot on PBS fan favourite CLARA FEINSTEIN Downton Abbey does not shy away from romantic clichés. Will Mathew declare his love for Mary or not? Should Sybil marry the lower-class handsome chauffeur? It follows the general formula for melodramatic romance; however, this series is no less enjoyable than other TV shows circulating millions of homes globally. The fourth season premiered on January 5, 2014, reaching 10.2 million viewers in the USA on the first episode—the highest ratings for the PBS channel all year. The season starts months after the death of Mathew Crawley, and focuses on multiple character developments, such as Mary's attempt to cope without him while raising their young child. Branson still struggles to find his roots in the Grantham home, and it's uncertain whether Edith will ever find true love. The season addresses the progressive ideals of the 1920s and the first black actor

enters the show as Jack Ross, the dashing jazz musician. The popularity of this show is undeniable, yet the program receives immense criticism for being lowbrow and unsubstantial. On one end of the spectrum this criticism is valid, because the realities of the era are not always expressed. However, for a modern day audience, the very accepting Grantham family is more relatable and identifiable. Lord Grantham is still the embodiment of traditional beliefs. He often opposes Edith’s wishes to pursue journalism, or Sybil’s desires to marry the chauffeur, and objects to Branson and Mathew’s suggestions that he change his land for economic benefit. Creator Julian Fellowes makes no apologies for his admission that Downton is escapist television. Fellowes says, "What you have to understand

about period drama, is that it's history light. You can enjoy it.” This is the pure genius of the show. It includes major historical events, such as the sinking of the Titanic, the First World War, the suffragettes’ movement, and hierarchical shifts. However, the show does not dabble too heavily into these incidents and focuses on human relationships based in the setting of the fascinating events of the early 20th century. Period dramas have always been an integral part of mainstream television. Programs such as BBC, Masterpiece, and PBS have supported period drama adaptations, which have always been miniseries or one to two season shows. Downton is the first period drama to sustain a constant developing plot, thanks to the endless social change that was occurring during this rich time in history. It may be escapist, but it’s escapism at its finest.

tHE mISANTHROPE’S gUIDE tO sURVIVING vALENTINE’S dAY

Re al* lo ve and relat ions hip ques t ions f rom re a l* Vic St udent s.

candid stranded

LOVE ADVICE EMILY DEIBERT STRANDED EDITOR

DeaR Dr. DROWN YOUR SORROWS IN CHEAP CANDY...

AND CHEAP CHOCOLATE....

AND BE GLAD THAT NO ONE WILL BE THERE TO WITNESS YOUR RESULTANT MISERY.

LOVE:

isn’t my place to judge, but you might want to consider getting to know someone for more than just a couple days before deciding to risk your education on a chance to be with them. But that’s just my opinion. - Love, Dr. Love

I’m a Vic student. A few days ago I met someone from Trin, and I know that this might sound silly, but it’s the truth: we fell in love at first sight. The problem is that there’s an age-old feud between our colleges, and nobody wants us to be together. In fact, one might go so far as to say that our love is shaking our respective social spheres. I see beyond the labels our colleges give us—my love by any other name would be just as sweet—but although our colleges are alike in dignity, this ancient grudge between them continues to break forward into new mutiny. We’re considering faking our expulsions from Vic and Trin and running away someplace nice and accepting where we can be together: maybe Woodsworth. Nobody ever talks about them. What do you think we should do? - Shakes Spheres

Q: Dear Dr. Love, I’ve been dating this guy for a couple weeks now, and I’ve started to notice something funny about him. For starters, he never seems to eat or sleep. His skin is deathly pale and ice cold, and his eyes are constantly red and bloodshot. He’ll disappear for days at a time, never really giving me a proper explanation as to where he’s been or what he’s been doing. He hardly ever goes out in the sunlight, and there are some days when he speaks as if he’s from a different time. I’ve been doing some research and I have my suspicions—a spark of an idea—but I haven’t been able to tell him, not yet at least. I want to ask him, I want to say it out loud, because I have a feeling that my boyfriend...is a vampire. - Sparkly

A: Dear Shakes Spheres, This certainly is a dilemma. Luckily, I have a secret to tell you: the college you are at doesn’t have to affect who you’re friends with. Sure, there’s something to be said for that sense of pride we get from being Vic students, and it’s a laugh to poke fun at Trin during Frosh Week, but at the end of the day if your friends don’t accept your love then maybe you need to consider finding different friends. No matter what, though, don’t fake your expulsion just to be with your Trin lover—even if a friar friend of yours tells you that he’s got this foolproof plan involving poison. I just really can’t see that going very well. Oh, and one last thing: it really

A: Dear Sparkly, The good news is that your boyfriend definitely isn’t a vampire. The bad news is that he’s something much worse: an overworked and under-rested Uof T student. He spends all of his time holed up in Robarts away from the sun, relying on a granola bar snuck in his bag for nutrition, and whenever a midterm or due date is coming up he’ll be off the grid for days on end. And as for him speaking as if he’s from another time: well, might I hazard a guess and say that he’s studying old English? History? The only advice I can offer you is to stick with him until the workload lightens up a bit. Dating in university can be tough when everyone has so much on their plate, but with a little

perserverence on both your parts you should be able to get through this trying time! But you might want to lay off the YA fantasy romances for a while. - Love, Dr. Love Q: Dear Dr. Love, After years apart, I recently ran into an old flame of mine in Burwash, and it turns out that the two of us now live on campus at Vic. I’m in R.J., and she’s just across the road at Marg Ad. If I look closely, I can just make out a faint green light that shines out of her bedroom window every night. I want to approach her, but the trouble is that the two of us have a complicated past. She was part of a completely different social scene than I was, and I didn’t think I was good enough for her, so I left. She’s dating someone now but I can tell that she’s not happy with him. I’ve been trying to get her attention by throwing wild parties in my dorm room, but so far she hasn’t shown up to any of them. I want to recreate the past that the two of us had together, but I’m not sure I’m still up for this old sport we call love. What should I do? - Old Sport A: Dear Old Sport, Perhaps a mutual friend of yours— maybe even, oh, I don’t know, her cousin—might be willing to ask her along to one of your parties. Still, I have to warn you to be careful, especially if she’s already taken. We tend to glorify the past in our memories, and the reality doesn’t always live up to our expectations. Can’t recreate the past? Well, no, sometimes I just don’t think you can. If you’re dead-set on trying, just be careful to avoid stuffy hotel rooms where you and her current partner might find yourselves in close proximity. That sort of thing never ends well. - Love, Dr. Love

WENTING LI * Please note that the term “real” is used very loosely in this context. 15

OLESYA LYUZNA STRANDED EDITOR

Hearts, chocolate, roses, candy, Cupid, more candy, couples holding hands. Sound familiar? Probably because it’s Valentine’s Day. Sound annoying? Chances are, you’re single on Valentine’s Day. But don’t worry, because here at Stranded we know how you feel. What’s more is that we know how to help you. So read on to find out about the five levels of V-Day despair—and their highly effective cures.

try eye contact with the cutie across from you in Burwash only to realize they were staring at the spinach in your teeth the whole time. To dull the embarrassment, pick up a Coldstone Creamery signature creation on your way home. Then watch Bridget Jones dismiss V-Day as a purely commercial, cynical enterprise while two attractive British men fight over her.

Level 1: (500) Days of Summer and Julie’s organic blackberry sorbet bars You’re easy, breezy, beautiful and you don’t need a man or woman to make you happy. You probably didn’t even notice it was Valentine’s Day. Or maybe you have a hot date with your linear algebra midterm and you really don’t have the time to wallow. In any case, kick back and watch Joseph Gordon-Levitt invent poignant greeting card slogans and fall in and out of love with indie darling Zooey Deschanel. Pair it with a box of low-calorie organic sorbet bars, and you’re set.

Level 3: The Notebook and Häagen Dasz chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream You’re fine. You know you are. Except for some reason the pink and red decorations, the sticky sweet candy hearts, and the kissing couples all around you bring tears to your eyes. You try your best to keep your cool, but deep down you wish you had a special someone to spend today with. Your friends probably think it’s unhip to cry on Valentine’s Day, so tell them you’re craving dessert and a movie set in the ‘40s, and retreat into the solitude of your bedroom. You don’t have to tell them what really happened.

Level 2: Bridget Jones’s Diary and Coldstone Creamery birthday cake remix ice cream Lately you’ve been feeling like the comic relief in a romantic comedy about someone else’s life: tripping over your own feet, waving at people who waved at someone behind you, making sul-

Level 4: P.S. I Love You and Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy ice cream If Valentine’s Day had a face, it would probably be yours. Every year since your fourth birthday, you’ve been receiving a steady flow of heart-shaped cards and candy. But for

JESSIE YAO

XOXO, single girl

some reason, things are different today. You’re mentally cursing Cupid as you check your mailbox every five minutes. Don’t worry, ex-valentine, there’s a cure for your despair: nothing more efficient than some Chocolate Therapy and a movie you can cry along to. Level 5: The Titanic and Mövenpick tiramisu ice cream You still can’t face the reality of it: that cheap bastard just broke up with you. Sure, maybe the two of you weren’t meant to be, but you didn’t spend the last eight months trying to make it work just so he would dump you on Valentine’s Day! You may think that V-Day is ruined, but have no fear: just a little self-indulgence can make your day better. So buy the most expensive ice cream you can find, tune in to the number one tearjerker of all time and forget about your ex. After all, who needs a boyfriend when you’ve got Leonardo DiCaprio and ice cream?

Stranded on the Wire ANTHONY BURTON & NEIL MACISAAC EDITORIAL ASSISTANT & STAFF WRITER

BURWASH LOVE UNREQUITED

In a recent press conference, third year student Kelly Thompson confirmed that she is romantically uninterested in first year student Wayne Hansen. Thompson was quoted as saying, “Is that the guy with the Leafs sweatpants? He doesn’t seem like my type, I’m not really into sports.” Later in the same conference, Thompson (also known as Tall Blonde Girl From Middle House? I Think It’s Middle) also listed 17 other male frosh and second years that she had no interest in speaking to.

FRESHMAN DELIGHTED TO FINALLY MEET ANOTHER HARRY POTTER FAN In what dons are calling a “miraculous” and “truly inspiring” state of affairs, first year student Kristine Millar was reported to have noticed all seven of the books of the Harry Potter series on another freshman’s shelf. Earlier in the week, Kristine had been lamenting to her parents and dons about her inability to meet people who shared her interests at Victoria College. Upon discovery of the books on freshman Jamie Correira’s shelf at a Thursday pub night predrink, the two ecstatically discussed their secret love for the writing of multimillionaire J.K. Rowling. This week, the two were reported to be bonding over their unique affinities for Arcade Fire, the Smiths, and television show Suits.

REPORT: EVERYONE SAW YOU DROP YOUR TRAY A comprehensive ten-month study conducted by Statistics Canada has found that 100% of respondents responded in the affirmative when questioned if they remembered “that time you dropped your tray last year.” Those surveyed were able to recall the time of day, where the incident occurred, how long it took you to get the Burwash staff’s attention, and how much you looked like the biggest goddamn idiot ever. Representatives for Statistics Canada suggested that you just wear a sackcloth bag over your head from now on to avoid further embarrassment, but also advised that this could possibly just make things worse.

CONFUSED OLD MAN WANDERING AROUND VIC Students across campus have raised concern with campus security and officials about an old, white-haired man they claim has been yelling nonsensical remarks to passersby. The man, who claims to be Canadian author and visiting Victoria College professor David Gilmour, has been heard yelling “Don’t you know who I am? I’m David fucking Gilmour!” and “I’ve won awards!” Mr. Gilmour sparked controversy last September over his refusal to teach works by female, homosexual, and Chinese authors.