He Could Not Refuse Anymore

by Jimuel C. Sagario

The moon was bright that nighttime, so I went outside to watch the heavens. The sky was full of detail. I adored the radiance of the full moon, and for another time, I saw Venus, my favorite evening star I breathed in as I closed my eyes, sensing the atmosphere around me Out of the blue, I felt a weird presence lurking next to me As a reflex, I promptly looked behind me, to my right, left, and front. I saw no one, not even a shadow. Thinking I was only being too suspicious, I persisted in gazing and appreciating the awesome decors on the night sky.

“Psst” A strange and creepy accent that gave me chills That time, I know for sure- someone from a short distance was watching over me I felt my knees shaking, but I did not pay much attention to it. Instead, I enjoyed how still the night was and how gentle and soothing the zephyr was. I decided to photograph the moon when someone grabbed me by the shoulder I felt more nervous at that moment, especially since he reeks of alcohol

“Gabing-gabi na. Bakit nandito ka pa, anak?” My father asked in a weird character. I didn't get surprised if he's drank again “Tara na at maghapunan” He added, which I followed

My father is a farmer and a kind and loving husband and father But sad to say, it was just us living together since my mother died not so long ago. By accident, my mother had drunk a poisonous insecticide instead of her maintenance medicine. She passed away right in front of my eyes

Despite the loss, things between us went all fine after the interment of my mother Eventually, father has quickly learned to drink occasionally. I do not see his drinking habits as a problem. That is because my father has always shown me a love that is second to none. He loves me more than anything in the world

After we had our dinner, he went outside to smoke privately He learned that in the absence of my mother. At that time, I was drinking the milk he made me He was sitting outside looking at the night sky so intently I went beside him and gave him the tightest hug I said, “Papa, alam kong mahirap kasi wala na si mama. Pero nandito pa naman ako para sa ’ yo, Papa. Mahal na mahal po kita, Pa” He smiled and hugged me back as we looked up to the heavens together He tapped my back; I leaned on his shoulders

Papa and I were living just all right. We grew even closer to each other. He used to hang out with me each night below the beautiful night scenery Each hour of darkness, I converse with him under the moonlight I make sure to express my gladness to have him along my side. Time after time, my father would compliment me He repeatedly says I am growing as beautiful as my mother I am always delighted that I can make him smile even in the absence of my mother.

However, just lately, he was growing apart from me He started gambling his remaining money, used them to buy alcohol and cigarettes to settle his pain and grief. I thought I was doing a great job at making him happier on my own, not expecting that I have lacked

One time he was intoxicated, I discovered him crying in the middle of the night Even in the dark, he was obviously in pain He was miserable, heartbroken, and still devastated It hurts me seeing him cannot move on with the loss. I never saw my father this crushed. I moved toward him, hugged him compactly, and we cried in unison He was sobbing very much It swiftly rained heavily as if the universe cooperated From that moment, I told myself I should never let my father cry again. That was why I set up a surprise one typical night

As usual, he was intoxicated I moved toward him and hugged him first Then, I looked at him carefully. I touched his face, looked at his sad eyes, and laid my lips into his I kissed my father He was not responding But as soon as he came back with his senses, he pushed me away

“Anong iniisip mo! Nababaliw ka na ba?” He suddenly raised his voice. I was shocked But I was determined, so I moved towards him and kissed him one more, but he pushed me back That time, he elbowed and pushed me with so much force that I bumped into the wall. I was in pain. So, I shouted at him.

“Kaya kong tanggalin ang lungkot niyo Papa! Hindi ba sabi ko na kahit mahirap kasi wala na si Mama, nandito ako para sa ’ yo Papa! Bakit hindi mo kasi tanggapin na wala na si Mama! Patay na si ” I did not finish what I was saying because he slapped my face so hard I looked at his eyes I saw a very different human Strange face, and I remembered he was under the influence of alcohol. It was the first he hurt me, so I responded. It resulted in a heated argument He was physically hurting me He pushed me forcefully into the wall, and there I had the chance to turn the table. I picked two bottles of wine behind me, and I hit them on his head He dropped to the floor after Did he faint? I saw my father bleeding Did he die? I was shaking at that moment I ran away. However, I soon realized that the person I hurt was my father, and I love him so much But at that time, my sight darkened as I realized my father did not love me

When father woke up, he was tied in a chair I fastened his hands, feet, and body. “Anak, ano ‘to?” He was puzzled. I came back to my senses after he called me 'anak' Seeing him tied, I hurriedly went to the kitchen to get a knife “Anak, kalasin mo na ” I was following his orders "Ililigtas kita, Pa Mahal na mahal kita." Before I could break the tie, I tried to kiss him, but he avoided my kiss He looked infuriated, so he intentionally bumped his head with mine It was painful. He never did that to me when he was still in love with me. In haste, I stabbed him three times by his belly I looked at him He was in pain, begging His blood spilled on the floor, and he felt weaker and weaker I draw nearer to him. I sweetly laid my lips on his forehead, and he spitted my face. With a hothead, I inserted my fingers in the open of the cut and played the wound I created He was in great pain “Huwag kang mag-alala Pa Matitiis mo naman ‘di ba?” I said and held his arms. I carefully slit the knife, once, twice, thrice, several times until I got tired His blood spilled all over the area I lost my good sense at that time due to intense anger and extreme jealousy

My father has cuts all over his arms and body. I enjoyed seeing my father in pain I kissed him but he refused again Then I spoke, “Papa, naalala mo ba ang ikinamatay ni Mama? May sasabihin ako” I smirked for a second He was confused so I giggled as he remained clueless. “Pinagpalit ko ang gamot niya sa ginagamit mong gamot sa bukid HAHAHA Hindi ko naman aakalaing nakamamatay pala iyon, Pa” I explained to him everything and he was pushing me using his feet.

My mom was illiterate so she drunk the wrong one It’s her fault that she can’t read the label I chuckled and went insanely happy “Anaaaaak!!! Bakit!? Anong ginawa mo!!!!?” He was screaming so loud but no one will ever hear him. He seemed more concerned of his dead wife than me It added pain to my already devastated heart I just found myself in tears while stabbing his feet I confessed, “Pa, inaagaw ka sa akin ni Mama. Akala niya siguro ay pagmamayari ka niya Sa akin ka lang naman sumasaya kapag naglalaro at magkatabi tayong natutulog Papa, hindi ba? Kaya akala ko masosolo ko na ang atensyon niyo kapag nawala siya! Pero bakit ba hanggang ngayon ay nag-aasta kayong buhay pa siya! Pa, nandito ako! Hindi ba puwedeng ako naman! Ako naman pa!”

With anger and pain overflowing my system, I ignored his apologies and begging I did not listen to his pleads anymore It is as if I was unable to hear him. I was raging with anger that time, so I stabbed his body several times more It took me seconds before I felt no response from him The last thing I did was stab my father by his neck, and it caused great happiness to me The scene is full of blood splashes. The blood of the man I love has covered me completely I only wanted to fix his broken heart and make him content with me I only wanted him to love me in return, but in the end, I did not have him, for he was still infatuated with my mother. Therefore, if I cannot have him, then better that no one will

My father was silent in the chair He was lifeless and breathless At that time, I kissed him, and he could not refuse anymore. I think he has approved my kiss Perhaps, my father loves me now