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DEC 20 - Dec 31 VOLUME 2
DEC 20 - Dec 31 VOLUME 2
News from the North Pole
Issue No.
22
News from the North Pole
John Hughes: Unsung Father of Generation X-Mas
Whispers.
When John Hughes died unexpectedly in 2009, the majority of appraisals were about how, as a director, he and the Brat Pack had dominated the 1980’s with films that standardized the decade’s adolescents and would endure as classics. Because it had been twenty years since he directed a film, Hughes’ passing garnered a muted response. This may also have been largely due to the fact that in 2009, the average adolescent, the millennial techno-glutton, might have been familiar with Ferris Bueller and Clark Griswold, but likely knew little to nothing about who had created them. It is scarcely known by any generation that John Hughes was most prolifically a writer.
The elves have been experimenting with a new candy cane flavor… we hear it’s spicy...
Members of Generation X who were elementary-schoolers when Sixteen Candles premiered, were hitting adolescence around the time Hughes wrote and produced four holiday films between 1987 and 1992. He adapted Clark Griswold from his own short story, which he later turned into the screenplay for Christmas Vacation, and created Kevin McCallister, played in the first two Home Alone films by Macaulay Culkin. Hughes wrote the screenplay for Planes, Trains and Automobiles in two weeks. For this late-born member of Gen-X, these movies contain the whole world of my adolescent holidays, and I like to think my enduring yuletide spirit is a strategic combination of Kevin McCallister and Audrey Griswold, plus the pig farmer’s wife from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles whose “first baby come out sideways” and “didn’t scream or nothin.’” John Hughes was a master of character development, dialogue, and the father of the innumerable one-liners that make these films. The relationship between the upper-middle class Clark Griswold and his goofy mooch of a cousin-inlaw, Eddie, is a prime example of the kind of character juxtaposition that drives Hughes’ plot lines. “I don’t know if I oughtta go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic,” says Cousin Eddie at the top of the sledding hill. To which Clark questions, in so many words, whether Eddie truly believes he could cause any further damage to his brain. “Well, you see here,” says Eddie, “if this gets dented… then my hair just ain’t gonna look right.” The pairing of the uptight marketing rep Neal Page and the overly
gregarious shower curtain salesman Del Griffith in Planes, Trains and Automobiles is slightly more serious, as is the film as a whole compared to the others. But the character types are masterfully juxtaposed. You may not have noticed, but the house in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is nearly identical to the Home Alone house. The Griswold house is architecturally similar, a twostory colonial. In all the films, the characters are decorating, destroying or trying desperately to reach these homes in time for the holidays. In each of the films there are prejudices that initially inspire fear, even loathing, which are broken down as characters must depend on one another—the most affective example being that between Neal Page and Del Griffith. The very last shot in Planes, Trains and Automobiles is of Del holding his hat in his hands when they’ve arrived at Neal’s home after running a ruthless holiday travel gauntlet. Despite however poorly Neal has treated Del, and the fact that Del is homeless and standing in the middle of all the things he once had and lost, he is truly happy for Neal to be home for the holidays with his family and the smile on his face is tear-jerkingly genuine. Another feature of these films is the tenderness that always emerges, no matter the amount of dysfunction. When Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was released in 1992, I was at the end of my childhood, John Hughes had directed his last film and society was on the cusp of a technological explosion that would not only usher in a new generation, but a whole new set of dangers. Hughes’ holiday flicks are some of the final snapshots of the world of my childhood holidays, a world that possessed limitations that technology
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has since overridden, along with the plausibility of the plights that forced Hughes’ characters together and kept his fictitious families apart. Today, rather than his state-of-theart tape recorder, Kevin McCallister would likely have a web-connected iSomething. His mother would certainly have a cell phone. He could never be left or lost for long. There is also something to be said for the fact that he’s essentially allowed to board an American Airlines flight on his word, which then leads to the cinematic montage of his visits to New York City landmarks, including a shot of him atop of one of the Twin Towers, snapping instant Polaroids. The question in my mind each Christmas since childhood is whether the certain safeguards ushered in by the tech boom which marked the inception of Generation Y—the comforts of the little houses we occupy in a vastly expanding digital replica of life— are worth us always being so easily found, or so free from reliance upon other human beings. Whatever the answer, if I’m thankful for anything each year, it’s the writing talent of John Hughes, who gave we lateborn Generation X members a digital scrapbook of the world of our childhood holidays. Despite the directorial acclaim he received for the Brat Pack films, Hughes’ pen gave life to so many celebrated characters for which he goes largely unsung, especially those in his holiday films. It pangs me every year that he’s gone, but I always hope, in the words of Clark W. Griswold, that wherever he is, he’s having the hap, hap, happiest Christmas this side of the nuthouse. - Jennifer W.
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2018 E. Pinetree Blvd. Thomasville, Georgia 229-228-6702
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Kris Kringle
Which local activities do you enjoy the most? Quail hunting, though it is tough finding a horse that can support all this holiday weight. I tend to ride in the wagons. They’re red and are pulled by a team of animals, I’m used to it.
A new hotel has just opened in the Pole...made entirely of ice…bring your robe and slippers!
Besides Christmas, what is your favorite event that takes place in the Winter months? The Victoria Secret Fashion Show. My wife thinks I should be put on the Naughty List for that one.
Santa’s working hard to take care of his ticker... let’s all be encouraging - no sweets-pushing! {Dana, this means you...}
What is your perfect idea of a gift? While toys and presents keep me in business, the greatest gift that can be given is that of selflessness. I encourage all to volunteer at a local shelter, a non-profit, a kitchen and give your time and your care. It is the intangible gifts that are the reason for the season. - Sarah M.
Psst...do you have a whisper? We’re all ears! yourtownie@gmail.com
What’s Rudy Doing in the Off Season? It was known as the saving grace one foggy Christmas eve, but to one humble reindeer, it’s only known as his nose. The Townie was lucky to be granted a rare sit-down with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and his handler and translator, Giggles the elf, to get the low-down on what keeps the Red-Nosed Wonder busy in the off season.
Thomasville Townie: So Rudolph, everyone knows the story of how you saved Santa’s trip that fateful hazy night, but when you aren’t leading the other reindeer what do you do with your time?
TT: How delightfully creepy. I had a feeling all those elves on the shelves weren’t as sweet as they looked. So, what do you do to pay the rent, Rudolph?
Rudolph Du Nezrouge {as translated by Giggles}: Well, a deer’s got to eat, and with six little ones and a doe at home, there are quite a few mouths to feed. My celebrity status only goes so far to pay the bills. No one wants pictures with me come January. No one is singing my song in July.
RDN: Honestly, whatever I can get. I have a hotline set up for small towns, in case their only stop light goes out. I fly down and fill in. I’ve also worked for the railroad companies if their railroad crossing signals malfunction, but making that “dinging” noise while the train passes is exhausting, so I raised my rates.
TT: Do you get paid for people singing about you?
TT: Interesting. What else?
RDN: Oh yeah. I get royalties every time someone even hums or whistles the tune. I mean, I was left out of all the reindeer games, and the names they called me? They were pretty foul. Santa and I discussed it, and a royalty seems pretty fair.
RDN: I did a stint on a crazy Japanese game show as the contestant’s buzzer. Oh, and for a couple of weeks I just rode around in the back of Santa’s pickup truck acting as his left brake light. The guy really can’t afford a ticket for a broken brake light when he gets paid in cookies and milk. I suppose the easiest job I’ve taken has been as the light for the North Pole air traffic tower. I just sit in a little box at the top, eating snacks and letting my nose blink on and off to alert nearby planes about the tower. Easy-peasy.
TT: So how do you manage to collect? How do you know when the song has been sung or played? Is it all based on averages? RDN: Oh, heck no. We have elves all over the place listening in. There’s a whole squad dedicated to it. You have some elves watching kids’ behavior for naughty and nice and you have some listening for my tune. Well, mine and Frosty’s. It seemed fair, since the poor guy becomes a puddle every Spring. But yeah, elves... always listening in.
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TT: Well thank you so much Rudolph, for this insight into your life beyond the Christmas season. We wish you safe travels this Christmas Eve and hope the kids leave you lots of reindeer snacks! - Rebekah G.
t h e s e : Just steps from Downtown, with homes from $100,000. Townies Welcome.
Choose a Realtor, get a team!
304 Gordon Ave. - (229) 226-7916 www.chubbrealty.com
More commonly known as Santa Claus, Kris has become a regular snowbird that flies to Thomasville during the winter months. When he is taking a break from his workshop, he can be found in downtown T-ville during Victorian Christmas, savoring the funnel cakes and deepfried Oreos.
The Naughty List has overtaken the Nice List for the first year ever…experts say it will swing back by next year...
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Happy Holidays Downtown. Your local merchants are turning into elves this month... Let them help you find just the right gifts, and have them wrapped and ready. Holiday hours on Fridays + open this Sunday!
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DEC 20 - Dec 31
Ralphie Shoots Eye Out
Facebook Challenged: Join Mistletoe Our Staff Editor + Publisher Bunny Byrne Columnists Lauren Basford J. David Bray, Jr. Denise Purvis Abrie Soileau Jennifer Westfield Contributing Writers J. L. Cox III Laura Floyd Rebekah Giambroni Sarah Manwaring Denise Purvis Jon Towns Jennifer Westfield Alex Walter Comic Artist Laura Floyd Distribution Jon Towns
The North Pole will be launching a brand new social networking website on Christmas Day this year. Mistletoe, a network for every family member, will be offering several unique features.
COAL or COOL is a personalized meter that is displayed on your profile page, with the option of having it displayed publicly or privately. If you have been naughty this year, your meter will display a brick sized lump of coal with a number on it, to remind you how many calendar days you have to make penance until next Christmas! If you have been a good boy/ girl/elf, your meter will display a bright red candy cane with the word “cool” to let all your friends know that Santa is bringing you something great next year! FRIEND AN ELF: Only on Mistletoe will you be able to become friends with a real live elf! Typically, elves keep to themselves in Candy Cane Village, however Mistletoe allows you to network with the people who help make Christmas happen! iNorth™: an integrated messenger that allows you to communicate with the North Pole about many different things, such as your current Christmas wish. iNorth CEO, Cinnamon Evergreen, explains how using the app helps you with your Christmas
wishes, “The app lets you instantly snap pictures to an Elf Agent, who will work hard according to your COAL or COOL meter to get you what you desire for Christmas!” And for people who love talking, iNorth allows you to chat with mom and dad, featuring different Christmas emoticons year-round, to help keep everyone forever in the Christmas spirit! There was a live demonstration at the Kringle Convention back in November. Beta tester Pepper Snowball was very excited to give us feedback. “Mistletoe has the potential in becoming the next big internet sensation. It allows us to celebrate Christmas all year long, and reminds us that some of the most beautiful things come from Christmas… like engaging with family!” Mark your calendar for December 25th, 2013. You don’t want to miss out on the best Christmas present ever from the North Pole! - Jon T.
This Just In!
Blogging Bunny Byrne
Santa trades sleigh for Quail Wagon
Website Maintenance Jon Towns Copy Editor Abrie Soileau
Early this morning, paramedics responded to reports of a head injury on the 400-block of Cleveland Street, where 11year old Ralph Parker had shot his eye out when a BB from his Red Ryder gun ricocheted off of a tree.
The boy received the gun as a gift from Santa last Christmas, before which, his mother and teacher both told him he was bound to shoot his eye out with it. This Christmas, Ralphie was hoping Santa would bring him a Remington 700 series 7mm rifle. “I was tired of shooting squirrels,” Ralphie lamented later, from his bed at Sisters of Charity Hospital. “Now I’ll never bag a six-point buck!” The boy, whose head was heavily swathed in bandages, recalled how this year he’d gotten a D+ on his essay about what he wanted for Christmas, and about how he still hadn’t gotten over last December’s “Ovaltine Incident.” He had to drink 100
canisters of Ovaltine to send away for a Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Pin. “I don’t even like Ovaltine,” the boy cried, “but when I got the pin, the first message I decoded said I needed to drink more Ovaltine!” When approached for comment, Ralph’s mother was unable contain her sobs, and the boy’s father simply shrugged his shoulders. Ralph’s father reported that Ralph’s little brother was at home nursing a bar of Dial, so his mouth wouldn’t be available for comment until at least four o’clock. - Jennifer W.
It’s not Christmas without... Poinsettias: Champagne with a splash of cranberry juice. - Jennifer W. The sound of my dogs drinking water out of the Christmas tree stand. - Denise P. Our family around.
- Marshall S.
During the North Pole “field trials” for next week’s big day, Santa’s sleigh was reported having a major problem and was found crash landed at Thomasville’s very own Pebble Hill Plantation. Panic broke out across the pole as the question was asked, “will the sleigh be ready for Christmas?” As it turns out, Wallace Goodman, manager of PHP, stepped up and let Santa use the plantation’s iconic quail wagon to deliver Christmas cheer worldwide! Moral of the story? If you want a good Christmas gift, make sure to write it in the lease when renting equipment to Santa! - J. Lee Cox III
A Visit From St. Nicholas: A Mouse’s Perspective
Georgia Press Association
You’ve all heard the iconic poem “A Visit From St. Nicholas.” Well, I’m here to set the record straight. I know you all think of my friends and family as pests, but we only seek refuge in your homes to keep warm and get a tasty nibble of the cookies that you put out for Santa. I’m getting ahead of myself here. Just in case you’ve forgotten, this is how it starts: ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house
The Thomasville Townie publishes the first and third Friday of every month. To advertise, suggest article ideas or contact staff members, please email yourtownie@gmail.com. Printed by the Bainbridge Post Searchlight
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar plums danc’d in their heads, First of all, let me just tell you EVERYTHING in that house was stirring. Me and Manny the roach were chowing down on Santa’s cookies from the moment they were put down. You don’t even
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Get Back on Track!
want to know what we did to the milk. Let me just tell you that a milk bath is glorious for the fur and antenna (respectively).
next day, but I think it was the face lotion that ended up greasing him down the chimney.
We did have to scurry off when Papa came downstairs. I wouldn’t say that he quite sprang out of bed. Reginald the spider had a good laugh when he saw Pa roll out of the bed all grouchy and stern because he thought those two brats of his were digging through the presents.
All in all, it wasn’t a bad night. Mama and Papa were a little miffed at Dasher and Vixen for pooping on the roof, but they warmed up once they realized the big guy had actually done a bit of a chimney sweep when he wedged his bulbous body in there.
I took a pretty good nap in those stockings that were haphazardly hung by snotty little Sarah who demanded to use the hammer. Papa got so mad when she banged his thumb when he was holding the stockings steady for her. I mean, he deserves what he gets after putting out those traps for my cousins and friends. We all chuckled when Papa realized that Santa’s fat behind was lodged in the chimney. That’s why I don’t feel so bad about noshing on his cookies and milk. Plus, he rarely takes a bite out of every cookie anyway. Where do you think those teeth marks come from? I watched Pa try to dislodge Santa with olive oil, butter, and Mama’s face lotion. She was so steamed when she found out the
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South Georgia Spine & Joint Center
So, I guess in the end it was a good night for everyone--well, except those poor reindeer that have to drag Santa’s big, sooty body all over the world. Thanks Sarah and Bobby for the cookies and milk. They make my belly full and my fur like silk! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! - Whiskers McCheddar
t h e s e :
Santa Shops at Firefly. Holiday Candles
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Sarah and Bobby were so excited the next morning about their presents that they didn’t even notice that I had taken a bite out of the sugar plums that were snuggled in their stockings. They didn’t even care about the tiny “chocolate chips” that I deposited in the bottom.
Fair-trade Nativities Hand-made Jewelry Toys for Kiddos Stocking Stuffers Galore
downtown and fireflyhome.com
to advertise, contact yourtownie@gmail.com.
“A little smile, a word of cheer, A bit of love from someone near, A little gift from one held dear, Best wishes for the coming year. These make a merry Christmas!” John Greenleaf Whittier
&
Blessings to You Yours from Oppenheim Signature Smiles
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DEC 20 - Dec 31
North Pole Olympics Scheduled for January The North Pole Olympics will kick off on January 10th, 2014 with local legend Rudolph Du Nezrouge passing the “torch” to his red-nosed children.
They’ll fly through town with noses lighted in succession from oldest to youngest, with all six children participating - Darcy, Cassius, Barclay, Brickle, Sassy and Whipple, with little Whipple being escorted by his mother, Mrs. Sausalito Tenderfoot Du Nezrouge. Once the family arrives at Kringle Cocoa’s Snowdrift Stadium, Santa will light the 2014 Yule Log, which will burn until Christmas of next year. This year’s Yule Log is an artistic interpretation fashioned from recycled metal by North Pole artist Marlene Dathis. Towering 15 feet high and featuring metal curls that mimic smoke, the 2014 Yule Log is not only a sight to see, but it will begin a permanent collection of public art for the citizens of the North Pole. “This is something we’ve thought about for a long time,” says Candy Swizzle, chair of the North Pole Olympics Creativity Committee. “This is a way for the NPO to give back, and to provide something to be enjoyed all year long.” Visitors to the soon-to-be-constructed North Pole Art Garden will be able to view the perpetually lit Yule Log, after it is relocated from the Stadium, as well as other public artworks that will be made for this and future NPO games. Once the log is lit, and Santa officially opens the games, ticket holders will line up for the first competition of the year, the Candy Cane Pole Vault. With new candy technologies being developed all the time, this year’s competition is expected to reach new heights. More precise cooking techniques allow for exact temperature control, helpful when maximum stretch and strength are necessary.
The Summer Sausage Bobsled is back this year, and the Elf team, who beat the Snowman team so brutally last year, is expecting a hearty rematch. The fan favorite Fruitcake Shotput is scheduled for the second day of competition, and this year is allowing accommodations for differently abled athletes. Brickle Du Nezrouge will be competing with a specially fitted device that attaches to the nose and allows him to release the fruitcake shotput with just the quiver of a lip. Better hope he doesn’t have to sneeze, or spectators may be heading for cover! The NPO Game Officials have monitored the development of the device closely, and feel that it allows for fair play without advantage. Other competitors, including Abominable, are taking a wait and see approach. The Gift Wrap Race will take place on the last day of the event, with teams competing early in the day and singles in the afternoon. A new category of scoring has been added this year, Use of Pattern. Teams have 20 minutes to gift wrap an item of the judges’ choosing, with points for Tailored Fit, Flair, Adornment and now Pattern. Some call this the Fashion Show of the Winter Forest, as the wrapped items are paraded through town and laid at the foot of the North Pole Christmas Tree after the competition. The most creative minds in the Pole area are competing for the coveted Cocoa Medal, although a Candy Medal or an Ice Medal would certainly be welcome, too. Get your tickets at the Stadium box office or at KringleCocoaStadium.brr. - Bunny B.
- Blue Christmas -
- Ask The Elf Featuring Elijah the Elf.
Dear Elijah: I’m not sure what to do. My boss makes me work all the time with no days off, but somehow he only ends up working one day of the year. Do you know of any unions for this type of thing? -Fed Up, Undisclosed Location Hey Fed Up, If you are who I think you are, then you should probably shut up. I’ve seen elves, er, people, go missing for less than what you’ve said in this letter. Maybe you should move South and zip your lips. Dear Elijah: What is a good present to get my girlfriend? She’s beautiful, buxom and a little eccentric. My finances are on the slim side, so it needs to be $20 or less. -Best Boyfriend Ever, Houston, Texas Yo, BBE. I somehow doubt you’re the best boyfriend ever. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. You cannot get a ring for $20, so go away. I’m not telling you what to get her, but hey, pretty lady, you should look for a new boyfriend. {Call me.} Dear Elijah, My boss often asks me to sit on his lap, but he’s married. What should I do about that? -Creeped Out, Undisclosed Location Creeped Out, So does my boss. I wouldn’t worry about it too much unless you don’t live in The North Pole. If you’re anywhere else, CONTACT YOUR HUMAN RESOURCES REPRESENTATIVE IMMEDIATELY.
Well guys, it’s been a great year! I hope you all have a fabulous Christmas. P.S. STOP ASKING FOR PONIES. YOU LIVE IN AN APARTMENT COMPLEX.
--Elijah
farm to table: Caesar’s Christmas Bark Ingredients 1 sleeve of graham or saltine crackers 1 cup of Amish Country Butter {Bread Wagon} 1/2 cup of light brown sugar 12 oz. dark chocolate morsels* 1 cup of chopped pecans {W.G. Hamil Pecans}** Parchment paper
Not all Christmases are white, and for some this season, it may be feeling a little blue. Whether you’re remembering a loved one far away, or one who is no longer with us, other Townies share your feelings.
For variations: *Substitute white chocolate, milk chocolate, butterscotch morsels, etc. **Substitute peppermint chips, chopped peanuts, sea salt, etc. - Abrie S.
“When I think of Christmas, I always think of my Grandma. She used to bake this absurd amount of cakes and cookies to give as gifts because she didn’t have a lot of money to spend. She poured her love into what she baked and that was better than anything she could have ever bought. She passed away Jan 2012, so Christmas hasn’t really been the same. I know life goes on, and there will be a Christmas every year no matter what, but to me, it’s not Christmas without my Grandma and the smell of her baking.” Rebekah G.
We at The Townie wish you a very happy holiday season!
“Growing up, we often woke up Christmas morning at my Dad’s parents’ house. We had scavenger hunts, rode dirt bikes and ate a big ham {cooked in a paper bag} for lunch. The best part of lunch was Grammie’s chocolate covered coconut balls! And Dad had this fake tree that shed more than a real one. Now that my Dad and Grammie have passed away, Christmas just isn’t as cheery. But I find myself remembering those Christmases and being very thankful for the good memories!” Bunny B. “The military path my son has chosen has taken him far from home, leaving his family to face what seems to be an empty chair at our holiday gatherings. The truth is, that chair is full and overflowing with memories, love and pride. Yes, I will miss my Christmas morning hug; however, I take comfort in knowing that he and other Military men and women are working daily to give all of America the gift of freedom.” Lindajo H.
Sweet Gifts at Lucy & Leo’s!
Visit us at The Bookshelf and the TCA on Broad candy shop
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. 2. Place crackers in one layer on parchment-lined baking sheet with sides. 3. Melt butter and brown sugar in medium saucepan. Cook for 3 minutes, stirring constantly. 4. Pour butter/sugar mixture over the crackers and spread evenly. 5. Bake for 15 minutes. 6. Remove from oven and sprinkle with chocolate morsels. When they start to melt, spread evenly over entire layer of crackers. 7. Sprinkle chopped pecans on top. 8. Put in oven with temperature off for a minute or two to let chocolate melt. 9. Refrigerate for one hour or more. 10. Remove from fridge and crack into pieces (makes approximately 40 pieces).
May your days be filled with wonder + laughter, love + comfort, good food, good friends, hope, peace and the knowledge that Thomasville loves you, wherever you are.
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XOXO Bunny, Jennifer, Denise, Jon, Abrie, Rebekah, Laura, Davey, Lee, Sarah, Lauren and Alex
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THE CENTER Gear up for an exciting Spring semester of Art in the Afternoon! We’re proud to introduce our newest adventure, Inventive Arts, a class designed to stimulate the engineer, inventor and problem solver. Theatre Arts is focusing on the musical works of Rogers and Hammerstein while Applied Visual Arts gets immersed in set design, costume design, and more. See it all come to life in May with our semester showcase of all three classes.
Sign up now at:
www.thomasvillearts.org
Give the gift of Great Skin this holiday season...
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pumpkin spice latte peppermint hot chocolate salted caramel mocha
Ask about our gift baskets and gift cards!
Grab a Send a pound of taste of Christmas Tville to Grassroots blend for family and Coffee home. friends.
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DEC 20 - Dec 31 VOLUME 2
DEC 20 - Dec 31 VOLUME 2
FIND US ONLINE AT THOMASVILLETOWNIE.COM
Issue No.
22
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Favorite Traditions...
North Pole Classifieds ITEMS FOR SALE For Sale: One American Airlines ticket to Florida. Call Kevin McCallister: 716937-4011. For Sale: Homemade Christmas Sweater. In my 84 years, it’s my finest creation yet. Contains a sequined collar, garland cuffs, twinkle light decor, real velvet reindeer antler embroidery, and more. Size: Medium. $34. For sale: one slightly soiled suit. Smells like sour milk and reindeer farts. P E R S O N A L S Tired of Sitting on the Shelf. I’m a male elf looking for the love of my life. You know who you are. We spent that wonderful evening together last December sipping cocoa and building that wooden train. You had the cutest caboose. For the train. In all the chaos of preparing the sleigh, you slipped away. Please meet me in front the hot cocoa kiosk so we can rekindle what we had. I’d love to see your caboose. For the train.
More Than Just A Good Body of Hair. Male seeking female to spend long winter nights with. Must enjoy long walks in the snow, nights that last for months and making icicle art. Some may call me abominable, but I’m really just a kind soul who’s been given the cold shoulder one time too many. If you’re a snowy lady with outlandishly large feet, then I’m the snowman for you. If interested, meet me at the little town in the valley on Christmas Eve for a fun night of terrorizing villagers. Seeking A Friend For the Holidays. Reformed elderly curmudgeon looking for an escort to nephew’s family Christmas dinner. Must love all things festive and children who walk with a crutch. Must be jolly. No money grubbers, penny pinchers, or cheapskates need apply. Please no ghosts rattling chains or wearing creepy robes. Seriously Marley. Looking For Younger Model. Older lady with lots of love looking for a handsome young man. I enjoy baking, sewing, and traveling- though my soonto-be ex would never take me for his yearly sleigh rides. I have a desire to see
the world and make children happy. I may seem old, but I promise I’m full of spunk! I just need the chance to leave home and stretch my “Claus” if you know what I mean. If you want to meet up for cookies and milk, then email mrs.st.nick@ northpolesingles.brr Help My Heart Grow Three Sizes? I’m a stately fellow in a shade of green, quite kind now though I once was mean. I’m needing a friend to help my heart swell- if you’re the one for me only time will tell. I used to be grinchy, but I got a clue. It was all thanks to a precocious little Who. So if you’re interested I’m in the cave on the hill, we can go get a coffee in delightful Whoville. Are we “Mint” to Be? Lonely female elf, seeking male elf of mid-120s for date of 1-hour sleigh ride on New Year’s Eve. Must be single, taller than 15” with a twinkly-clean criminal record, non-smoker, and full of holiday merriment. Widows and divorcees welcome. Peppermint cologne is a plus. Background check with Santa required. Only serious applicants need apply.
Bath Tub Gin on Christmas Eve - Haile M. We go to the movies on Christmas Day. - Abrie S. Checking for the soot that Santa leaves on the grandchild’s face when he kisses her before he heads to the next house...just like he did for our daughter each year. Colorful balloons all over the floor under the tree with the gifts like EC.s great grandmother did for her children. - Sheila B.
All of the adults in our family get lottery tickets in their stockings and we spend a good half hour prior to our traditional Christmas dinner scratching tickets together! Good fun! - Lauren B. On Christmas Eve we always {always} watch A Christmas Story, eat a yummy meal of heavy hors d’oeuvres, and everyone gets to open one small gift. When my children were little they called this meal “horses do-vers” and they all felt very grown up! - Angela T.
It wouldn’t be Christmas if throughout the entire holiday we weren’t dropping-one liners from Christmas Vacation like bombs over Hiroshima. I’ll pull the turkey out of the oven, and someone will wail, “I told you we put it in too early!” - Jennifer W.
My tradition is me waking up at a ridiculously early hour to open presents. Even at 29. - Rebekah G. On Christmas night my sister makes a big batch of a drink that I lovingly dubbed “throw-up” drink--because it looks like puke. Then we play antiquated board games all night and sip our throw-up dranks. The real name for the drink is hot apple cider toddy. And here you go, in case your family would also like to partake in a beverage that looks a little like vomit: www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/sandra-lee/ hot-apple-cider-toddy-recipe/index.html. - Denise P.
Seasonal Poems from the Thomasville Writers Group
Bookish gifts, for the well-read people in your life
{Meets every Thursday, 6 PM at The Bookshelf}
Stop by The Bookshelf for New York Times bestsellers,
Just a few more days to get your holiday shopping done! regional favorites, beautiful cookbooks and classic fiction.
Haiku
Santa’s Golfing Debacle
by firesides toasting the yuletide smoke stacks smoking melting Santa’s home
There once was a golfer named Claus, After flying the world, took a pause; E’er he went to the pole, He’d try out a hole Or two at the club…just because.
Benjamin Ashley Gardner
Reflections His Birth is a time for serious reflection. I find that difficult with fingerprints all over the glass. The magnanimity of the Gift we have been given should quiet our minds and still our souls, yet in the quiet, I wonder what they’re up to. Candlelight casts an ancient gleam, illuminating the gratefulness I feel as my daughter stands next to me on the pew showing that she remembered to wear bloomers. This time. Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty. Without oxen, a stable stays clean. But my manger is full, my stable overflowing. And I think He, more than any other, understands what a manger is like. J.K. Slaughter homeschoolconnections.blogspot.com
COMIX by Laura Floyd
As he gets no practice at all At the North Pole’s ice-laden hall, So he was confused, Greatly tired and bemused, And barely could he hit the ball. The course was surrounded by houses, Of golfers with sweet little spouses, Where deep in the night Santa’s sleigh did alight, Bringing gifts before daylight arouses. At the first tee his judgment was grand, But he lobbed the ball in the sand; So he got out his niblick And gave it the Ole Nick. Now, alas, it rolled into a strand. Retrieving his ball from the water Should surely be easy as butter, But as he fell in His lips they did sin, And soaked was his hapless old putter. When next we see Santa at work, His ball in the bushes did lurk, But he got it someway Onto the fairway, And pulled his 5-iron with a jerk. Misjudging the distance he needed, (Approximate houses unheeded,) He swung with his mashie, And windows went smashie! To the owner’s mercy he pleaded. So calling for Dancer and Donner To bring his sleigh from over yonder, He took to the sky, While the curses did fly, And leaving his foursome to ponder. As St. Nick flew over the mall, He was heard as he loudly did call, “Twould rather be seen Than a ball on the green, To find lots of green in a ball! So to golfers who often dismay Of having a perfect golf day, Just spend all your money On your little Honey, And let the chips fall where they may. This limerick to you may seem strange From one who ne’er trod the golf range; And although I’ve studied, The concepts are muddied, But my notions of golf sure have changed. June Windle Bare
Here’s our staff ’s recommended list of best books to snag before Christmas: Killing Jesus by Bill O’Reilly Things That Matter by Charles Krauthammer Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh Someone Else’s Love Story by Joshilyn Jackson Brown Dog by Jim Harrison Well-Read Women by Samantha Hahn Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
87%
The percentage of people polled who have never re-gifted an item.
Q. What’s one thing you’ve re-gifted? A. A black scandalous nighty - Anonymous
63%
Real or Fake? A slight majority prefer real.
I love the smell of a real tree, but I adore my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and the mini, paper “flocked” one my grandmother made back in the day. - Abrie S.
Allegiant by Veronica Roth Wonder by R.J. Palacio The Day the Crayons Quit by Drew Daywalt
The Bookshelf on Broad Street
All Bicycles and Skateboards on sale for Christmas!
COMIX by Laura Floyd
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