Red, White + True

T+CO FEATURE ARTICLE

Red, White + True

by: Kim Hill

Independence Day is just around the corner. Holidays have a way of changing as we get older. Their significance doesn’t diminish—we still call it “The Fourth,” but a look around the table reminds us of life changes that flutter our hearts. Even after 16 years, I miss knowing that my Daddy will be celebrating with our family. He would be grilling his ribs and burgers in one of his iconic hats and an American flag t-shirt. As we prepare to kick into July, I know that on the 4th, I'll feel that strange mix that I have for years now. I love holidays. I always have. I'm a sucker for all the decor, the "must-have list," all the holiday commotion, not only at Christmas but for all of them. The other day I opened my July 4th bag of outdoor pillows and my bin full of flags, sparklers, bunting, napkins, plates, and everything red, white, and blue. I'm ready to go!

Unfortunately, for many of us, most holidays at this stage of life are marked by the bittersweetness described as "the best of times and the worst of times." We miss loved ones who are no longer with us. We live too far away to get together. Family reunions are too complicated to plan. We all face challenges as our culture moves further and further from the days when families lived in the same town or state.

As a 70's kid, July 4th was full of excitement! Homemade ice cream, simple fireworks like bottle rockets and sparklers, a little bottled Coke, and a grilled burger. In my small town of Meridian, MS, we played outside until the street lights came on and chased the "mosquito truck" on our banana seat bikes decorated with handlebar streamers and cards in our tire spokes. Little did we know at the time that the fog the truck was spraying was full of toxic chemicals, and none of us needed to chase behind it!

My grandparents lived in Cocoa Beach, FL where life always seemed more exciting. As a 4th grader, I was the only girl in my class who knew how to surf thanks to my Uncle Wes. One steamy 4th, my brother, cousin, and I went to Sea World dressed in our festive wear. My grandfather had heard that you could get in for free with ten labels from big Hawaiian Punch cans! So he filled his trunk with them, and we were off! All summer, we drank mystery juice, not knowing the flavor until we opened them. (pic below)

Seaworld 1973

In 1976, I spent the summer in Houston with my cousins, and their neighborhood had a 4th like nothing I'd known in Mississippi--full of crazy races at their pool, a neighborhood parade, and spectacular fireworks. It would be years before I had an experience to rival that one.

Fast forward to being a twenty-something in Nashville. Before Nashville had its downtown crazy extravaganza, my friends and I went to see the fireworks at Belle Meade Country Club. We crashed the elite setting. It was like a scene out of a movie and we repeated our daring-do every year. We'd find a spot on the golf course away from the crowds as if having our own private event.

Ironically, thirty years ago this summer, I was rehearsing to open for my childhood idol, Amy Grant, on her 90-city “Heart in Motion” tour. Another year, I performed at the Southfork Ranch in Dallas (made famous by the TV show) for thousands of people. Those were exciting times but paled in comparison to my favorite 4th memories.

I treasure the sweet days with my sons and family in Memphis. One year, I found myself surrounded by family in matching Old Navy flag t-shirts at the Cordova parade, where my brother and his family took home first prize every year for best costumes. Too bad this was pre-Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook; he would have been a big hit! I never liked wearing matching clothes, and I think I was a bit snobby about wearing the Old Navy tee. Of course, now, I'd go back and wear anything to have a day with my Dad and our whole family.

Hill Family July 4th 2001

I loved all of the 4th of July parades from Telluride to our ‘ultra family' Westhaven neighborhood in Franklin, TN. The whole community took part in the parade, and it was even better than the one I'd been part of as a young girl in Houston. One year my Memphis family came, and my brother not only decorated our red golf cart but painted the younger kids with American flags and icons “tattoos.” My mom gave them candy to throw in the parade, and it was a little piece of heaven.

But, July 4th also held some painful memories. I was married on July 4th in 1992, at the historic Hermitage Hotel in Nashville, TN. Almost ten years later, as a single mom, every other year, I was childless on one of my favorite holidays. I think it may be the 4th most visible "family holiday" of the year after Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. I hated those 4th of Julys for so many years. I didn't fit anywhere. I didn't want to go home to Memphis with my siblings and family full of reminders that I was alone. I didn't want to be in Nashville when my two sons were not with me, even if it was because they were away at camp. It was just too painful.

Westhaven Parade Franklin, TN

I have more stories I could share about those July 4ths when my heart was full of more sadness than joy. I still have some pangs that hit me, even when I'm in the most beautiful setting surrounded by loved ones and friends. The past few years, Paulette and I have celebrated at the top of a beautiful mountain where we live, and it's nothing short of spectacular. It's all of the best of the July 4ths I've ever experienced rolled into one.

Even when we're literally on a mountain top at 4500 above sea level with sweet friends in a perfect setting on a private runway lined with golf carts, incredible fireworks, and music, my heart fills with reminders of the most precious moments with my now adult sons. I see them frozen in time. My youngest son with an American eagle painted on his back (thanks to my brother) at the Westhaven parade. My oldest wearing his beloved St. Louis Cardinal hat with a happy grin on his face holding a flag, watching the parade in Telluride. While I love those images in my mind, I remind myself that my job as a mom was to help launch them into the world and that they are now celebrating in various ways as I did in my twenties with my friends and loved ones.

All this to say, if you are like me and even "fun" holidays are bittersweet, know that you are not alone. As my friend Naomi Tutu says, “We are BOTH / AND people." We can hold joy and sadness in the same heart. In recent years, I've learned that when I allow myself to acknowledge and feel the pain or sadness, it seems to move through me faster. So this year, I'm going to lean into the fun the best I can, but if the sadness comes, I'm going to try saying a quick hello and bid it goodbye. I hope your 4th is full of fun, joy, and every good thing your heart can hold, and if the sadness comes, it's ok. And you’re gonna be ok. Grab hold of whatever happiness you can, even if it's just a sweet memory.