A sharing by MindBeautySphere, Caroline Omondi Healing forgiveness
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ust before leaving Kenya for the Netherlands, a big misunderstanding happened between me and some friends that had been close and dear to me for many years. We didn’t part on good terms. I couldn’t understand what they held against me. It stuck and bothered me for a very long time. Then, I took a conscious decision to let it go, to let them go. By giving them wings, I gave myself space, in a way, I gave myself life again. Shortly after, I got pregnant. Something I wished and earnestly prayed for ,because the pregnancy didn’t come easily as i had hoped. Unrelated as these two stories seem, in retrospect, I believe they are not. Our bodies want to be healthy, free of pain. Yet, many of us experience ‘dis-ease’ because we hold on to, in grudge almost to past experiences, unresolved issues, and hurtful practices that translate back to us physically and mentally. After a while, the root causes of our ‘dis-comfort’ disappear from our consciousness, but symptoms talk and bother us, in bodily and psychological pain. Painkillers may numb the symptoms, but what we should be doing really, is opening up to what the pain is trying to tell us. We better find ways to relax and pay attention to what is disabling us. The way back to a healthy, full life is to start listening to our hidden, covered-up stories, silenced and muffled away deep inside us. Because what lives in the shadows, in the corners of our existence, is desperate to be seen, and that is why it is so eager to show its power over us every time we think we conquered it, pulling us back into old habits, robbing us from deserved success and happiness. Like a child that is throwing a tantrum, our unresolved pain demands attention, and punishing it has the opposite effect. It demands to be seen, acknowledged, and embraced in full daylight. Not looked away from, certainly not belittled or worse being roughed up. You must meet them, those ghosts of your past, those unresolved pains, acknowledge their strength – over you – and only when you allow them to be, in your light, only then their energies will make peace with you. Some might be waiting for apologies from the ones that hurt us, willingly or as collateral damage to their own suffering, but where such awareness and apologies may be beneficial for healing of the perpetrators, your own healing is not dependent on that. The power to heal, to embrace life afresh and whole again, is yours and has always been so. The cure lies in acknowledging what pains you, and in forgiving yourself for punishing yourself again and again for feeling hurt. Feeling ‘dis-ease’, powerless, struggling to the point of drowning, these are matters of the heart, not to be boxed in terms of right or wrong – that’s surface stuff, not very useful 42
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at a deeper, existential level. What most of us want, is a h e a l t h y, harmonious, and happy life. To achieve this requires a wholesome, gratifying, g r a c e f u l relationship with ourselves Caroline Omondi and the world: in essence people, things, and relationships that we chose to be meaningful. I have learned, often the hard way that the only way towards a healthy and full life, is to let reason go. As a matter of fact, I had to let go of a lot more. It was only through forgiveness that I found a state of grace. In letting go of hurt, feeling wronged, betrayed, shame and anger. I always knew I will be a mum. I wanted children more than anything else. I knew I could get pregnant, but chances were against me in this part of my life that I was so ready for. Yet, I believed, and I prayed, I prayed, oh God how I prayed, and I made, literally a pact with God. I pledged to be of service, to be his instrument for the good, but it was only when I was able to forgive and let go of the hurt that I was blessed, in abundance, with not one but with two beautiful boys. Habits have histories, hard to unlearn, it takes will and (self) love to unshackle hurt, fear and anger. Yet GRACE cannot just be the absence of pain. It has to be more, and it can be, if only we find it in ourselves to make space for something better. Like our bodies, we have a deep and righteous longing to be whole. Reaching this state of wholeness is experiencing grace, which cannot be achieved without the self-healing power of forgiveness. For this, I have learned to actively choose NOT to stay angry. Why? Because I need me, whole, full. I have to or it kills me. I used to comfort my pain, instead of dealing with it and leaving it behind. Life taught me that the answer is to stop punishing myself, by repeating guilt, shame, and anger, instead of setting it free. In forgiving what hurts us, we cleanse ‘dis-ease’ and create space to move on.
