Men suffering domestic violence ‘is still a taboo’

Campaigning filmmaker Ola Izevbekhai explains why ‘man-up’ attitudes can have the deadliest of consequences.

WOMEN ARE far more likely to be victims of domestic and sexual abuse committed by partners and husbands.

But men can suffer abuse too, and it is more common than people think.

According to the Office for National Statistics, 757,000 men reported abuse in 2020.

It’s a smaller number than the 1.6million women who were victims — which is widely believed to be an underestimate — but significant nonetheless.

Men can be abused by women and in same-sex relationships, but the impact is the same — physical harm, emotional and psychological abuse, and coercive control.

Men who are victims of domestic abuse face daunting challenges when seeking help, including disbelief from friends, family and law enforcement agencies.

The fact that men can also be victims of domestic violence may come as a surprise to many in the Black community.

However, a new documentary is aiming to shed light on a widespread yet under-reported issue.

Men Too by Ola Izevbekhai delves into the impact that abuse has had on men, especially those from Black and minority ethnic communities.

In the hour-long documentary, men who have been victims of domestic violence talk about how the experience has affected their lives, including feelings of shame, depression and paranoia, which can linger long after the abuse has ended.

For Izevbekhai, the issue is personal. She lost an uncle who had been too ashamed to talk to anyone about what he was going through or seek help.

“My uncle died after a drinkdriving accident,” she recalls. “We lived far away from him but we knew he was drinking too much and we eventually found out he was also abusing drugs.

“However, it was only after a police investigation into his

By Vic Motune

death that we found out he was experiencing domestic abuse, and we quickly realised that his use of drugs and alcohol was linked to what he was going through at home.

“People often think that domestic abuse is all physical, but that is not true. My uncle had been suffering a lot of emotional abuse. We managed to also retrieve text messages between him and his wife from his phone. The messages from her contained a lot of threats, including texts where she threatened to stop him seeing his children.

“It was a complete shock because nobody knew, not even his neighbours and friends. They had heard yelling, but weren’t aware that his wife was abusing him, they just thought it was something he’d done to make her angry.

“And, to be honest, I don’t know if he actually knew he was being abused. It was just heartbreaking to find out these things too late to be able to do anything about it.”

Challenge

The tragic death of her uncle affected her deeply. For her, it highlighted society’s tendency to turn a blind eye to male victims of domestic abuse.

Izevbekhai says she wants Men Too to challenge viewers to rethink their understanding of how domestic violence affects men.

“What happened to my uncle prompted me to want to learn more about the issue. In Nigeria, where I’m from, it’s taboo for a man to admit he is being abused by his wife. Culturally, you cannot speak up because you’re going to be ridiculed.

“I feel like this stigma needs to be corrected. And the only way we can do this is by telling men that they’re not alone. A man speaking up about the fact that he’s being abused doesn’t make him weak or less of a man.

“Men do cry but they are expected to just ‘man up’. This needs to stop. Men, especially Black men, need to be able to show vulnerability.”

One man who has willingly shared his story is 34-year-old Jehorney Coulson from Enfield, north London.

The shame that he felt at being a male victim of domestic violence made it difficult to speak up about the abuse he faced from his ex-partner.

Mr Coulson met her in 2011. Four years later he relocated from Jamaica so that they could get married and start living together. A year later, in 2016, he says the abuse started.

“The abuse was mostly verbal, her screaming, calling me names, trying to record my conversations and use what I said against me, and threatening to reveal my immigration status to the authorities and threatening me that I wouldn’t see my daughter,” he tells The Voice

Over the years, the level of abuse escalated. Given his Caribbean heritage, Mr Coulson found it hard to do anything about it.

“I grew up in Jamaica. Over there, people look at you as weak if you tell them you’re being abused by your wife or if you called the police on your partner after an argument. So it’s difficult to find the courage to tell anyone about what you’re going through.” The continued abuse left Mr Coulson with severe mental health issues.

Blame

“I began to suffer from depression, and there were times when I felt like I wanted to commit suicide,” he says. “I was putting all the blame on myself, but there was no-one I could share how I was feeling with.”

One particular incident in the summer of 2021 convinced him he had to leave the relationship.

“We went to Jamaica after her father passed away,” he recalls. “After the funeral, she left me and our daughter on our own for four days. I later found out she had booked into a hotel and stayed with another man. When we came back to the UK I told her I couldn’t take no more and said I was leaving. She started shouting at me that because of my immigration status, I wasn’t going anywhere. But this time I was determined to go.”

Mr Coulson finally found the courage to talk to his GP and was referred to a counselling service. “After I started counselling, I realised that I was not to blame for all the problems in the relationship. I still have my ups and downs, but it’s much better than before.”

Men Too, which is Izevbekhai’s final-year film project, is scheduled to finish production this month and will be screened at the BFI in the summer.

PRODUCTION: Documentary film-maker

Ola Izevbekhai on the set of Men Too

If you’ve been affected by these issues, you can call the ManKind Initiative on 01823 334244 or the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010327. If you would like to be part of Men Too please send an email: oti0010@my.londonmet.ac.uk