The Voyeur VOLUME 3.14 ISSUE YUM
T he v o ice o f UWF st uden t s sin ce w h o c a r e s
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TODAY, APRIL 1, 2012
Discovery confirms end of the world
Captain Jack Whiskers Staff Writer
While on their annual spring break trip to Cancun, Mexico, students from the Department of Archaeology at the University of West Florida discovered a Mayan time capsule that confirms that the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012. Somewhere in the haze of tequila shots and sombreros, the team literally stumbled upon a chest containing all the
secrets to the Mayan Calendar. “Surprisingly, it was all written in English,” archaeolo- gist Dustin Bones said. According to the translation found in the time capsule, the world will flood simultane- ously with a worldwide power outage, caused by a solar flare. The first areas to be affected will be the coastal regions of each continent. But the flooding will not stop there, obviously there is more.
“Your only hope is to buy a sailboat and some fishing gear,” Bones said. “Or invest in a mountain house.” According to joint research- ers in the Department of Psychology and the Department of Biology, the zombie apoca- lypse is a myth. It is far more likely that humans will simply begin to act like zombies in an effort to protect their families. The research indicates that zombie-like actions include,
but are not limited to: disre- gard for the well-being of strangers, greed, hunger and, above all else, a new-found belief in self-preservation. “Not to worry,” biologist Op T. Mystic said. “Most of the population will die within a week of the flood.” The research also suggests that the world population as a whole has become too depen- dent on technology. Most people don’t even know how
Faculty resorts to stealing due to state budget cuts Cookies for Teachers
to survive without electricity anymore. Humans have devel- oped a fatal dependency on technology. “My advice is to live it up while you can,” Mystic said. “I recommend starting to check things off the bucket list before it’s too late. Throw a party. Have sex. Do drugs. Skydive. I’m actually about to do all four simultaneously. Do all that, unless you own a sailboat or a mountain house.”
VOYEUR IN BOXERS Sports Nobody won and nobody lost There have still been no sports after the Angry Housewives Vendetta of 2012. Men are forced to mow lawns, children read books and wives don't have to clean sweaty gear. The world is finally in perfect balance. See full stories on page 7
Opinion Does anyone honestly care?
Photo by Pointann Shoot
University of West Florida professor Larry Ghetto has been stealing from charitable organizations for months after the state budget cuts hit universities. Ghetto said the stealing is his form of revenge on Gov. Rich Scout.
After millions in budget cuts, faculty members have been participating in illegal activites Bob Loblaw Staff Writer As a result of increased budget cuts for the fiscal year in the state of Florida, professors and faculty have resorted to various illegal means to sustain their income. The string of criminal acts began in Dec. 2011, when Larry Ghetto, a journalism professor at the University of West Florida, was arrested for second- degree theft after looting a local donations box. Ironically, the donations were meant for teachers. Since Ghetto’s arrest, six other UWF professors have also been arrested for various illegal methods of monetary support. Suzie Succotash, a tenured professor in the UWF Department of Marine Biology, was arrested in Jan. 2012 in connection with a highly organized barnacle-fighting ring. Succotash is currently await- ing trial for 13 counts of racketeering and 756 counts of crustacean abuse. Police arrested UWF mathematics professor Martha Matlock on Feb. 1 for her role in an elabo- rate embezzlement scheme, which resulted in $16
million of lost revenue from the Mississippi Gaming Commission. "No one cares about Mississippi," Matlock said. "So I figured it was as good a place as any to steal from." The budget cuts occurred earlier this year and the entire community is outraged, not just faculty. "We need those kids to keep learnin'," Pensacola bus driver Tom Wheelin said. "They're the only way we will survive the zombie apocalypse, if those teachers ain't teachin', then those kids ain't learnin' and we ain't survivin'." Students seem to remain indifferent to the budget cuts as most students do. The chances that they are reading this story is also very rare. University President Mercedes Benz said she will do whatever it takes to get the faculty's pay back up. "I will be hosting a garage sale at my house this weekend in order to help raise money," Benz said. "I will be selling anything and everything I own in order to continue paying my faculty what they deserve." The faculty is not very optimistic about this garage sale and insist that Florida Gov. Rich Scout increase the budget for state universities immediately. "We could barely survive on the pennies they paid us before the cuts," Ghetto said in a prison inter- view. "And now they expect us to survive on even less. This is a very sad turn of events indeed, looks like those charity buckets better lookout."
Who really enjoys listening to some random person ramble on and on about their personal opinions? No one. And who would want to read about them? Again, no one. If you really have the need to listen to someone rant and rave, find a nursing home filled with angry veterans and go for it. See full stories on page 3
L&E Drugs are bad, mmkay...
See full stories on page 4
No more campus parking allowed Chatty Catty Staff Writer The University of West Florida will have no parking available beginning in the fall semester because of the $11.9 million budget cut for the 2012/2013 fiscal year. Gov. Rich Scout was reportedly outraged to hear about all the constant complaining about how there are never any park- ing spots available at UWF, so he decided to teach the students and faculty members a lesson and remove all parking. “It has come to my atten- tion that UWF is filled with impatient, whiney students,” Scout said in a Florida Senate address on
kk RUNDOWN The University of West Florida is fed up with complaints about campus parking and have now banned all forms of parking permanently. Students will now have to park off campus and walk or ride the trolley onto campus. The parking lots will be replaced with hot dog stands.
March 32. “I am compelled to remove all on-campus parking and replace it with hot dog stands.” The new hot dog stands will be strategically placed throughout all parking lots. Students will be able to enjoy a Babrett Dog with their choice of topping for $5. Buns will be an addi- tional cost. All proceeds from the hot dog stands will go toward the new parking garages
proposed in the master plan. “I’m looking forward to a hot-dog-eating contest,” Joe Grub, a freshman exercise science major said, “I think it’s just what this school needs.” M a n y s t u d e n t s a n d f a c u l t y m e m b e r s a r e wondering how they will get to class without driving their cars and parking. “I did the math,” Lotta Sums, a junior accountant major, said. “If thousands of
students have to walk from all over, the streets will be filled with riots, and God knows what else.” Scout has a new plan to replace parking that i n c l u d e s p o n i e s a n d donkeys. “The students will now have to use natural, envi- ronmentally friendly ways to get to class,” he said. “Everyone will be issued a pony or donkey to ride to UWF.” Students at UWF will be given a steed at regis- tration based on class rank. Upperclassmen will be assigned a pony, leav- ing lowerclassmen to trot around on donkeys.
See PARKING, page 2
Brown tip of the week
Index Stuff you might know . .. .. .. .. 256 Stuff you don't know . .. .. .. .. 8476 Stuff you should know .. .. .. .. .. 45 Stuff you think you know . .. .. ..6 Stuff .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. @##
2/News
Today, April 1, 2012
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New schedule changes created in order to accommodate supernatural students TIny Jon Staff Writer ,Q DGGLWLRQ WR WKH SUHYLRXVO\ DQQRXQFHG )DOO FODVV VFKHGXOH FKDQJHV PRGLILFDWLRQV ZLOO EH PDGH WR VFKHGXOHV SHUWDLQLQJ WR YDPSLUHV DQG ZHUHZROYHV DW WKH 8QLYHUVLW\ RI :HVW )ORULGD 6WHSKHQLH *H\VHU GHDQ RI WKH &ROOHJH RI 6XSHUQDWXUDO 6FLHQFHV VDLG WKH QHZ VFKHGXOH ZRXOG GHPRQVWUDWH WKDW YDPSLUHV DQG ZHUHZROYHV DUH LQGHHG WKH EHVW VXSHUQDWXUDO EHLQJV ³,W KDV FRPH WR P\ DWWHQWLRQ WKDW VRPH VWXGHQWV KDYH QRW EHHQ DEOH WR DWWHQG FODVVHV GXH WR FRQGLWLRQV EH\RQG WKHLU FRQWURO ´ VKH VDLG 7KH QHZ VFKHGXOH ZLOO DOORZ WKH 8QLYHUVLW\ WR KROG FODVVHV WKURXJK WKH QLJKW RQ ZHHNGD\V 9DPSLUHV VHHN LQJ WR HQUROO LQ WKHVH FODVVHV ZLOO KDYH SULRULW\ 7KH VFKHGXOH ZLOO DOVR HOLPLQDWH DQ\ FODVV PHHWLQJV WKDW IDOO RQ WKH QLJKW RI D IXOO PRRQ ³7KH QLJKW RI D IXOO PRRQ ZLOO EH REVHUYHG DV DQ RIILFLDO KROLGD\ ´ *H\VHU VDLG %HOOD 6ZRRQ IUHVKPDQ PDMRULQJ LQ SRRU GHFLVLRQV VDLG VKH FRXOGQ¶W ZDLW IRU WKH QHZ VFKHGXOH ³%HLQJ D UHJXODU PRUWDO DW WKLV VFKRRO , GLGQ¶W NQRZ ZH KDG YDPSLUHV DQG ZHUHZROYHV KHUH ´ VKH VDLG ³,¶P
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Photo by Knot Frayedov Dark
Due to the new schedule changes, University of West Florida students who are of the vampire or werewolf races can now comfortably attend classes on campus without fear of injury. HYHU\ERG\ VKRXOG IHHO ZHOFRPH DW WKH 8QLYHUVLW\ ´ *URZOLQJ VDLG YDPSLUHV DQG ZHUH ZROYHV VKRXOG QRW JHW SUHIHUUHG WUHDW PHQW VLPSO\ EHFDXVH *H\VHU ³OLNHV WKHP EHWWHU ´ ³%\ FKRRVLQJ FHUWDLQ VWXGHQWV
Cookie Monster elected as new UWF president, this is awesome
Photo by Pointann Shoot
The University of West Florida’s newest president, The Cookie Monster will take office next January. He plans to take over Benz’s Master Plan and rename it “The Cookie Master Plan.”
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Photo by Pointann Shoot
Above: A design created by Screamo Architects depicts the hot dog stands that will be replace the parking lots on campus next year.
Opinions Editor, P. Bill Jones
opinions@thevoyeur.net
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Courtesy of Andy Marlette/amarlette@pnj.com
3
Today, April 1, 2012
Courtesy of Andy Marlette/amarlette@pnj.com
I want ‘Santorum’ to be on everyone’s lips this November P. Bill Jones Opinions Editor /DVW \HDU DW WKLV WLPH , QRWLFHG WKDW &RQJUHVVZRPHQ 0LFKHOH %DFKPDQ VHHPHG WR EH IOLUWLQJ ZLWK UXQQLQJ IRU SUHVLGHQW DQG JDYH KHU P\ HQGRUVHPHQW $QG DOWKRXJK , ZDV FRUUHFW WKDW VKH ZDV LQGHHG SODQQLQJ WR UXQ IRU SUHVLGHQW VKH ORVW PLVHUDEO\ LQ WKH ,RZD &DXFXV DQG GURSSHG RXW EDFN LQ -DQXDU\ %XW IHDU QRW EHFDXVH QRZ WKHUH¶V D QHZ KRUVH WR EDFN , WKLQN WKHUH¶V FXUUHQWO\ RQO\ RQH FDQGLGDWH ZKR FDQ GHIHDW WKH JRGOHVV VRGRPLWH VRFLDOLVWV 7KDW¶V ZK\ IRU WKH SDVW IHZ PRQWKV WKHUH¶V RQO\ EHHQ WKLQJ FRQVLVWHQWO\ RQ P\ OLSV« DQG WKDW¶V 6DQWRUXP <HV 5LFN 6DQWRUXP ZKR ORVW KLV 6HQDWH UHHOHFWLRQ ELG LQ E\ QHDUO\ SRLQWV WKH ODUJHVW PDUJLQ RI GHIHDW IRU DQ LQFXPEHQW 6HQDWRU VLQFH ZLOO WKUXVW QHZ OLIH LQWR WKLV JUHDW UHSXEOLF 6R , DP KHUHE\ VZLWFKLQJ P\ HQGRUVH PHQW ,¶P VR LQ ORYH ZLWK 6DQWRUXP WKDW ,¶P SUDFWLFDOO\ IURWKLQJ DW WKH PRXWK ZLWK P\ IXOO WKURDWHG VXSSRUW , NQRZ WKDW VRPH VR FDOOHG ³H[SHUWV´ ZLWK WKHLU IDQF\ HOLWLVW SRO\ VFL GHJUHHV KDYH EHHQ VXJJHVWLQJ LW LV PDWKHPDWL FDOO\ LPSRVVLEOH IRU KLP WR ZLQ HQRXJK GHOHJDWHV WR VHFXUH WKH QRPLQDWLRQ DW WKLV SRLQW EXW ZH DOO NQRZ WKDW ³PDWK´ LV MXVW D OLEHUDO FRQVSLUDF\ ([FXVH PH ³$UDELF´ QXPHUDOV" , GRQ¶W WKLQN VR \RX KHUHWLFDO MLKDGLVWV /RRN DW WKH SROOV DQG \RX ZLOO VHH WKDW 6DQWRUXP KDV EHHQ VXUJLQJ IURP EHKLQG 6R LW¶V WLPH IRU HYHU\RQH WR VWDUW DFWLYHO\ VKRZLQJ WKHLU VXSSRUW DQG JHW WKHLU KDQGV GLUW\ IRU WKH LQHYLWDEOH 6DQWRUXP RYHUIORZ :K\ GRHV RXU FRXQWU\ VR EDGO\ QHHG 6DQWRUXP" %HFDXVH KH¶V WKH RQO\ ZKR
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SGA candidates should fight to death ‘Hunger Games’-style Henrietta Ford Commander-in-Chief
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Today, April 1, 2012
Life &
Entertainment
L&E Editor, Barney Rebel
entertainment@ thevoyeur.net
Visit Taco Hell for perfect first date Tacolove Longtime Staff Writer For Friday night dates, look no further than the charming atmosphere and excellent Mexican cuisine of Pensacola’s biggest secret: Taco Hell. This quaint Mexican restaurant features recipes passed down for generations such as the Fritos Locos burrito, which are finely crafted from the shells of only the corniest and saltiest Fritos trees of the Mexican rainforests. Five-star chefs prepare only the finest ingredients for their customers, who come back again and again to indulge in delicious regional favorites like crunchtortilla supreme a n d c r u n c h y c h e e s e gordita. The menu includes the crunchy cheese gordita that is described on the menu as, “a hot cushion of flatbread enveloped in a blend of amazing cheeses,
covering a crunchy taco shell and with a tangy cheese-like sauce.” This item is a delicious addi- tion to a variety of special- ties only found at this restaurant — which boasts several locations around the Pensacola area. “I save Taco Hell for only my most roman- tic dates,” said Topanga Lawrence, a frequent visi- tor of the establishment. “There’s just something about sharing a plate of nachos gonggrande in the moonlight that makes the date extra memorable.” Lawrence said the restaurant’s extensive hours makes it easy to have those last-minute dates everyone enjoys around 2 a.m. or later. The restaurant even has a drive-through option so on-the-go dates can eat volcano tacos under the stars, washed down by Mountain Explosion Dewdrop — a Taco Hell delicacy — and finish by
sharing a bag of cinna- mon bites. By the end of the meal, you’ll be saying “Yo quiero mas Taco Hell!” For larger parties at home or in-restaurant, a burrito 12-pack can be ordered to satisfy every- one’s late-night cravings. “We take time to prepare each menu item as if it were art,” said Chef Emilio Lagassee, reassuring diners that the quantity does not impede quality. “The amount of focus and crafting that goes into our work simply cannot be beat. We truly want the best for our food.” Customers can often be heard leaving the restau- rant shouting praises such as, “Dude! That was the best burrito of my life!” and “Bro, we’ve got to come back here for ‘Sixthlunch!’” Sixthlunch is the term Taco Hell has created for customers who come
Photo special to The Voyeur
A University of West Florida couple exchange their wedding vows at the local Taco Hell on Flavis Dighway. The two frequented the restaurant while dating. to dine at the late hours of the night, referring to the meal after dinner and before breakfast. The term has come to be lovingly used among taco enthusiasts everywhere, who often claim that
Sixthlunch is the greatest of all the meals. The best part of Taco Hell is that although it may break some people’s budgets, most college students can find some- thing affordable.
Whether your crav- ing is for spicy, crunchy, melty or grilled, Taco Hell simply has got your back with its diverse and inge- niously creative menu items. Remember, have a happy Sixthlunch.
New restaurant aims to fill butter void in Pensacola Amelia Hailstorm Staff Writer Paul A. Dean has bought out the Jumping J a c k s l o c a t i o n o n Falapox Street in down- town Pensacola and plans to open a new restaurant, called A Taste of Butter, there on May 18. “By expanding with our new location on Eight Mile, we should be able to relocate easily. Personally, I am excited for some buttery food,” s a i d J u m p i n g J a c k s manager Jack Hopper. Dean was inspired to open a restaurant by her close friend, Weyland Hashington. He complained downtown food lacked variety. Hashington said he thought that Dean would be able to add more flavor to the downtown scene. He said, “I am glad Paul A. took my advice. D o w n t o w n P e n s a c o l a needed to be introduced to fried foods. The place will never be the same again.” Dean said she plans to load her menu with some of her famous reci- pes, all containing large amounts of butter. Fried chicken, creamed corn, collard greens and field peas are some of the dishes she will offer. All dishes will be served with a side of butter. Each of the items on the menu will be prepared by Dean and will be available for under $50. T h e i n s i d e o f t h e r e s t a u r a n t w i l l b e designed to look like a typical Southern home. Seating will be unique in that people can sit in the different rooms, each of which will open onto the main kitchen so that
Photo special to The Voyeur
Photo special to The Voyeur
Paul A. Dean’s niece, Molly Land O’Lakes, previews the dishes at A Taste of Butter last week. She said the freshly churned butter is “yum-o!” everyone can watch Dean cook. She said, “I have all of my classic dishes on the menu and have even whipped up some new creations for y’all! I am especially excited to introduce my fried butter sticks served with a special butter cream sauce.” E v e r y d a y a t 4:30 p.m., Dean will pick one of her menu items and explain how she makes it step-by-step with the help of certain c o o k i n g s e c r e t s , s h e adds. Complimentary cups of freshly churned butter
will be given to those who attend. “I wanted to open this restaurant to give d o w n t o w n P e n s a c o l a a d i f f e r e n t d i n n i n g experience, Dean said. “Nothing is better than Southern-style food.” The restaurant will focus mainly on buttery foods but has included “healthy” additions like fried vegetables and fried fruit. “I don’t mind adding healthy foods to my menu, but the only rule I have is that no one can ask for their meal to be cooked without butter,” she said.
kk RUNDOWN A Taste of Butter, Paul A. Dean’s latest restaurant endeavor, is opening in May at 101 Falapox St. The menu will feature freshly-churned butter cups, collard greens in butter sauce and fried chicken with butter drizzle. Every day at 4:30 p.m., Bean will teach Pensacola residents how to make certain dishes. These classes will be featured somewhere on TV for maximum exposure.
Purple Rose Cartman, whose parents are Bee Onsay and Jay-Q, will be releasing her debut album, “Most Amazing Baby: Part I,” next Tuesday.
Famous offspring debuts ‘revolutionary ‘ sound Barney Rebel L&E Editor Purple Rose Cartman is making a name for herself, one that does i not nclude the name of her famous parents. The infant is less than three months old ,but that isn’t slowing down her career. Cartman is releasing her debut album, “Most Amazing Baby: Part I” next Tuesday. Her coos, giggles and babbles will be set against a highly synthesized, electronica track mixed with some heavy beats and pop sounds. C a r t m a n ’ s m a n n y , Nick A. Meenaj, said the baby wanted to honor the music of her parents, Bee Onsay and Jay-Q, in her own way. “She respects every- thing her parents have put out,” Meenaj said.
“It’s so different. It’s like nothing you’ve ever heard before” -Nick E. Meenaj Purple Rose Cartman’s manny “But it’s time to get her music out for everyone to hear.” Meenaj said everyone who has heard the album is shocked. “It’s so different. It’s like nothing you’ve ever heard before...like a foreign language very few can speak.” Early reviews have b e e n p o s i t i v e . O n e reporter at The Voyeur, Henrietta Ford, said it has a “revolutionary
sound.” “When I listen to it, it makes me feel like a little kid again,” Ford said. Because memories of her birth are so fresh, Cartman has several songs on the album devoted to that special day. The song, “Poppin’ It Out in NY” is an ode to her mother, thanking her for bearing the pain of squeezing out her 10-pound body. As she sings “Ma ma... ma ma... goo goo gaaa” in a heartfelt wail, you can hear the grati- tude and admiration in her voice. Only time will tell if baby Cartman will have the same high-profile career as her parents. But with this explosive debut, it is easy to see she will not be swaddled to merely sleep in the shadows.
The Voyeur
www.thevoyeur.net
L&E/5
Today, April 1, 2012
Sequel announcement dissolves war
Mike Honcho Contributing Writer
“Mr. Burgundy’s announcement has filled my heart with an abundance of joy.”
Respected journalist Ron Burgundy announced on the March 28, 2012 -Mahmoud Ahmadinejad episode of “Conan the Barbarian” that he and Iranian president P a r a m o u n t P i c t u r e s have reached an agree- ment to produce a sequel to his 2004 Academy Award-eligible feature my heart with an abun- so close, the two political film,“Anchorman: The dance of joy,” Ahmadinejad leaders now share an apart- ment together. Legend of Ron Burgundy.” said as he dipped While much The announcement a french fry in his jubilation is on spread like wildfire chocolate Frosty. T h e display between throughout the p o l a r - these once fierce world, and the a d v e r s a r i e s , i z i n g , resounding cheer some geopolitical h i g h l y - and goodwill felt analysts are skep- i n t i m i - by the inhabit- tical of the sustain- d a t i n g ants of Earth had ability of such an I r a n i a n Netanyahu an immediate and unlikely truce. p r e s i - profound effect Gert Frobe, the senior dent then became on the geopoliti- geopolitical correspon- slightly emotional Conan cal climate in the and stated that he dent for the Greater Idaho Middle East. has been freed from a Community College radio Upon hearing the station KYJL “The Lube” a n n o u n c e m e n t o f “glass case of emotion.” states that negative recep- Netanyahu used equally “Anchorman II,” Israeli tion towards recent sequels Prime Minister Benjamin positive and optimistic to highly-regarded comedic rhetoric to describe the Netanyahu and motion pictures has incited newfound cama- Iranian President numerous riots throughout raderie between M a h m o u d the Middle East. h i m s e l f a n d A h m a d i n e j a d Frobe cites the collapse A h m a d i n e j a d . of an entire movie i m m e d i a t e l y The Israeli Prime theater in Syria in May convened at a Minister said he no 2011 after the premiere Wendy’s restau- longer sees himself of “The Hangover: Part rant in the United and Ahmadinejad II” as a main reason to Arab Emirates to a s p o l i t i c a l cautiously anticipate the resolve the conten- Ahmadinejad combatants, but as “Anchorman” sequel. t i o u s h o s t i l i t y political “co-people.” Thirty-seven people between the two T h e r e l a t i o n s h i p died in the Syrian movie nations. “ M r . B u r g u n d y ’ s between Netanyahu and theater, which collapsed announcement has filled Ahmadinejad has become because of heavy fire
Photo special to The Voyeur
Curly Howard, left, poses with Captain Thunder. He was the most annoying Howard triplet, Thunder said.
Alligator resident of campus murders Larry, Moe, Curly Burt Selleck Staff Writer T h r e e s t u d e n t s no longer attend the University of West Florida b e c a u s e o f C a p t a i n Thunder, an alligator at least 12 feet in length and the notorious inhabitant of Thompson’s Bayou. The Pensacola native a t t a c k e d , k i l l e d a n d ate three students who were having lunch in the University Commons on Sunday, April 1. A c c o r d i n g t o t h e police report, the three students who were killed, Larry, Moe and Curly Howard, were distracted by one another’s repeated attempts to poke each other in the eye with a fork. “Our boys have always been a handful,” their mother, Mrs. Howard, said. “We just never expected them to become a mouthful.” It was the triplet boys’ 35th birthday, and the boys were digging into slices of their favorite flavor of birthday cake, triple chocolate funfetti
surprise. T h u n d e r s a i d t h e candles on the cake “put me in a trance. I was just so hungry.” He said the cafete- ria’s menu was unsatis- fying with options like meatpie surprise and liver on rye. Thunder said the boys’ poor table manners also contrib- uted to his fit of anger. “Poor table manners are simply a pet peeve of mine,” he said. “My parents bought me a meal plan, but there just isn’t enough variety for an appetite as big as mine,” Thunder said. “If the school provided a higher quality meal, this entire incident could’ve been avoided.” Other students, moti- v a t e d b y T h u n d e r ’ s action, have taken a stand against the food served by the school’s cafeteria by boycotting the food service. No other students have died, however. “We believe we serve a nutritious and filling menu, while reducing waste,” cafeteria manager M.T. Plates said.
Thunder said in reply, “ M o r e l i k e r e d u c i n g taste.” Thunder said the only reason he and many other alligators are so ornery is that “we’ve got all these teeth and no toothbrush.” Thunder said he has attended UWF more than ten years now, taking mostly online classes. He prefers online classes because of their flexibil- ity and the lack of parking available on campus, he said. He said his hospital- ity classes are easier than hunting down his next meal and often consist of making crafts out of pipe cleaners. UWF Chief of Police Won Jarren said to treat Thunder like any other student, and he will not attack. He recommends carrying a few marshmal- lows at all times. “They will get you out of a sticky situ- ation, no pun intended,” Jarren said. He said marshmallows are the alli- gator’s favorite snack. According to the police report, Thunder is not being charged at this time.
Photo special to The Voyeur
Ron Burgundy performs a flute number on “Conan the Barbarian” as he announces the upcoming sequel to the 2004 film, “Anchorman.” The film was a hit in the Middle East and was the reason for Iran and Israel’s peace agreement. damage as a result of an intense riot. Eyewitnesses from the scene recount hearing the blood-curdling screams of those trapped in the building as it fell down, with many of the victims exclaiming: “It was the same damn movie as the first one!” Paramount Pictures has yet to release plot details for the “Anchorman” sequel. Some rumors have surfaced that the film may partially take place in the 1980s. Production on the sequel to “Anchorman” is scheduled to begin in February 2013.
kk RUNDOWN Ron Burgundy, one of the most respected fictional journalists in the world, announced there will be sequel to his feature film, “Anchorman.” The Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad resolved their hostility because of their immense happines about the annoucement. Any negative reception of the film in the two countries was met with bloody, violent government crackdowns.
6
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Today, April 1, 2012
=PM ?WaM]Z Commander-in-Chief Henrietta Ford Ruler@thevoyeur.net
Lifeless Editor Barney Rebel zombiesfordeath@ thevoyeur.net
Newseum Curator Anita Knapp nonewsisgoodnews@ thevoyeur.net
Sports Suppressor Captain Chris couchpotatoes@thevoyeur.net
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Photocopy Editors fml Kate Middleton Jingly Bells Kapitol Coniferieum
Obscene Graphics Editor Garry Hairdo
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CALENDAR
April
Ď&#x20AC;
The Relay for Slice will be held at 3:14 a.m. in Mercades Benzâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s office. The event will include games, food, and LARPing. The event will raise funds for Grandpapa Johnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hair plugs and antiwrinkle cream. April 5.84958729739 Throughout the month of April, the Health and Unwellness Center will be offering free fitness classes every Friday at 2 a.m. in the library. Offered classes will include panda boxing, channel surfing, and Madden NFL 13. For more information, contact John Madden at his home in Berlin. April 6.66 Looking for something to waste your weekend on? President Mercades Benz is seeking enthusiastic volunteers of all ages to sort through ancient 1960s jewelry and original â&#x20AC;&#x153;Star Warsâ&#x20AC;? action figures. Volunteers will work inside her hot, non-air conditioned garage for long hours. Expect verbal abuse, crying, and occasional flogging from Indiana Jones, who will be in charge of this dig. This event is mandatory for all prospective UWF graduates. For more information, contact George Lucas. April 8.78676 From April 8.78676 to April 13, the Center for the Visually Impaired will be hosting Glass Awareness Week. It asks for your support for all those who are forced to bear the burden of glasses, even those stylish ones that hipsters wear. For those 4.21324 days, please rub butter in your eyes so that you too may experience the horrors of eyes that hate you. April 10.5 From 12 to 12:05 p.m., Angry Moles will be protesting the â&#x20AC;&#x153;stay undergroundâ&#x20AC;? law that prevents moles from surfacing. After years of WackA-Mole abuse, Angry Moles feel that the new law fails to fully
protect their rights to sunbathe.
PERSONALS
Go to eHarmony.com.
April 13.8980000000 Do you want to hike, backpack, and explore Floridaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best-kept secret? Join the UWF Super Aventure Club for a trip abroad to the exotic central Floridaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Great Smoggy Mountains. Scale the peaks that are as high as 13 dollars above sea level. The trip costs three limbs and your firstborn child. For more information, contact Captain Thunder in Thompsonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Bayou. April ___ Event ad lib: (1) Day of week: ______ (2) Noun: ____________ (3) Animal: ___________ (4) Action verb: _______ (5) Body of water: _____ (6) Color: ____________ (7) Noun: ____________ (8) Tyrannical dictator: _____________________ (9) Cute animal: ______ (10) Erotic clothing type: _____________________ (11) Justin Bieber: Justin Bieber (12) Sexy song title: ___________________ (13) Super hero: ____________________ (14) Action verb: ___________________ (15) Emotion (noun): _______________ (16) Adjective: ________ (17) Noun: ___________ (18) Third-world Country: ____________ On ________ (1), you will drink too much ______ (2) at the Wet ______ (3) Bar. Intoxicated, you ______ (4) to the nearest _______ (5) to vomit ________ (6) ________ (7). Feeling better, you meet up with your friend, ________________ (8), who is wearing an â&#x20AC;&#x153;I heart ___________ (9)â&#x20AC;? _________ (10). Suddenly, ___________ (11) junk-punches your friend while screaming â&#x20AC;&#x153;___________â&#x20AC;? (12). Fortunately, __________ (13) __________ (14) the alleged assailant, making the Biebster flee in __________ (15). The three of you decide to create a crime-fighting team, called â&#x20AC;&#x153;The ________ (16) ________s (17) of ___________ (18). April - Apocalypse For more events, get a life.
JOBS
ANNOUNCING
College students who have an avid interest in career ideas related to the field of writing should get realistic and change majors ASAP. This advice was free of charge.
The Voyeur is now accepting classifieds from faculty, students and staff at very high cost.
HOUSING
MOBILE
Move out of your stupid apartment and get a cardboard box. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cheaper, and people will give you free stuff, like the no-longer-in-use Canadian penny.
CLUBS Get uninvolved on campus. If your organization is putting together an event and would like to get the word out to people, feel free to send us a description of whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s happening. We donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t care and wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t help you.
If you would like to place a classified with more than 20 words, or you are not affiliated with UWF, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re on your own. Good luck. The deadline for your classified ad is the Thursday before the end of the world. Please email your classifieds to yourself with â&#x20AC;&#x153;classifiedâ&#x20AC;? in the subject line.
7
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Sports Editor, Captain Chris
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sports@thevoyeur.net
Today, April 1
After countless inquiries, complaints and demands for a more recognizable mascot, UWF has announced that it will be represented by the honey badger starting in August.
Photo special to The Voyeur
A honey badger eats a snake in the deserts of Africa. The crazy animal will be the University of West Florida’s mascot beginning in the fall of 2012
Argonauts are out, honey badgers are in First Mate Shmellkins S.S. Siggy
Photo special to The Voyeur
A honey badger “mean mugs” for the camera. Nothing can stop the honey badger. It don’t care.
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Photo special to The Voyager
The People’s Champion shows off his new shoe, the K Swiss Tubes. The bottom of it is made by tubes, tuned to how your body grows.
8/S&F
Today, April 1, 2012
www.thevoyeur.net
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The rest of this issue is a joke, but the ads on this page are real. For the real news, check out www.thevoyager.net.
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