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The Way I See It... THANKSGIVING HISTORY
The Pilgrims came to America to escape religious persecution from their homeland – England. They wanted to find a place that would allow them to follow their beliefs. After being turned away from every civilized nation in the world, an Inca in Peru said: “Oh, you want America. They’ll go for anything.” So they turned around and sailed northwest for the “Promised Land.” The Pilgrims had trouble talk “crap” about ugly girls American locals took one passing through security and deny any gratifica- look at them, returned to in other lands because they tion of any kind to any- camp, began making arbelieved in equality for one. These “mean girls” rows and stringing barbed religious crackpots, that would parade around in wire, and started insurGod was an alien from the stages of undress until one ance companies. planet “Quasar,” and the man would select them simple fact that turkeys and they would move into Eventually, the Pilgrims could cure acne and oth- their tent and drain the life and The Puritans shot the er skin disorders. Anoth- out of them and demand Native Americans, took er reason was that every cable. In addition, there their land and discovPilgrim had a steel plate was another church-affil- ered “maize” with which in his head and that’s what iated group called “The they invented popcorn set off the alarms. They Puritans” who would do and opened up a chain of further believed that when eight body cleanses a day, empty movie theaters, one they died, every pious never swear in public and of which was called “The man with a blunderbuss would say “No” to every- Magic Lantern,” but that’s another story. However, at strapped to his waist that thing. least you finally know the would blow up in a market place would be given When they arrived at real story. Happy Thanks17 virgins with cell phones “ C h r y s l e r / P l y m o u t h giving. Nice talking on trust funds who would Rock” in 1620, the Native turkey with you.
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If you just read yours, you’re missing out on 11 jokes!
S AGITTARIUS: (November 24 - December 21) You might want to choose another vacation holiday destination than Syria.
CAPRICORN: (December 22 - January 20) If a three-octave, pleasant Christmas choir leader invites you to fly with her this holiday season, just say “No.”
AQUARIUS: (January 21 - February 19) This weekend you’ll declare yourself inactive.
PISCES: (February 20 - March 20) This weekend you’ll launch your E-Bolo online Western necktie website store.
RIES: (March 21 - April 20) A Your outrage becomes your marketing plan this week.
TAURUS: (April 21 - May 21) You will go to the Boise Airport this weekend and spend several days in the duty-free zone just to avoid your obligations and responsibilities.
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GEMINI: (May 22 - June 21) You’ll sign nine petitions this week and not press “Enter.”
PHOTOGRAPHERS Jimmy Olsen Ida Belle Gorby
ANCER: (June 22 - July 23) C On the Internet, you have no idea when you’re supposed to stop.
REPORTERS All Our Sorry Relatives
EO: (July 24 - August 23) L The universe is vast and we are not alone. Just you. You are alone.
VIRGO: (August 24 - September 23) It’s a good thing you’re not going to Buffalo this week...or ever!
IBRA: (September 24 - October 23) L This week you’ll change your name to the same name but with a larger font.
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CORPIO: (October 24 - November 23) S You like the Lincoln commercial where Matthew McConaughay is driving a carload of souls to the River Styx and want to go to there.
Matt Gorby
ADVERTISING Don Draper The Blatant County News has never won any awards, nor do we plan to. Our only goal is to not win (or lose) any lawsuits, so please, pretty, pretty please, DO NOT sue us.
T H E W E E K LY S U N • T H E B L A T A N T C O U N T Y N E W S •
NOVEMBER 26, 2014