theblatant
countynews vol. 1 #4 September 2014 FREE
the humor and rumor
of the wood river valley the weekly
Brought to you by our friends at
GOOD GRIEF, WE’RE GOING WEEKLY
R
emember four months ago when we debuted The Blatant County News as a monthly humor publication for the Wood River Valley and the headline was “What Were We Thinking?” Remember that? Well, starting October 1st we will be going weekly in The Weekly Sun. This decision poses the same question, “What Were We Thinking?”
Well, we’ll tell you. The B.C. News has been received with resounding success and has developed a loyal fan base amongst those who have been able to find it each month. Now, we believe that many who have missed it will begin to follow us in a timely, weekly fashion within the pages of The Weekly Sun every Wednesday. It will be a shorter version but will still maintain the basic
segments, plus include everything we think is funny during the week. Advertisers will benefit because they will be able to schedule their messages with a comedic twist on the particular week they think will be the most beneficial for their business. These faithful businesses that have supported us during the onset of the monthly mode will be able to have more flexibility and at a lower per issue price as we embark on our weekly mission to make your week a little more fun. We want to be the bright spot in the week for everybody in Blatant County. So, please wish us good fortune and we promise we’ll “keep the funny” going on a more frequent basis. SPA & GORBS photo by ida belle gorby, we’re all about breaking laws, child labor laws...
ROBIN WILLIAMS & JOAN RIVERS We were sitting around the other day talking comedy and were batting about the names of our favorite performers. We reviewed are all-time favs from Laurel and Hardy, WC Fields and Buster Keaton to later greats such as Lenny Bruce, Sid Caesar and Redd Foxx to modern day geniuses such as Richard Pryor, George Carlin and Rodney Dangerfield. Included in the latter era were Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. This month, we are proud to feature these two who have passed on in the past few weeks by presenting some of their (our) favorite small doses of comedy. RIP Joan and Robin and thanks for all the “funny” you left behind to all of us.
ASK DR.
SPA Dear Dr. Spa, At the Wagon Days Parade, I believe I was a bit tipsy and lost my balance and crashed into the Hailey Hellers Stage Coach and broke the entire right side. What’s the matter with me? Signed, Hugh Jass Dear HUGE ASS, Don’t worry, it’s just a stage you’re going through. Love, Dr. Spa Dear Dr. Spa, I put on 20 pounds over the Labor Day Weekend. I feel so embarrassed I don’t want to go out in public. Signed, O. Beese Dear OBESE, You’re not overweight, you’re just easier to see. Love, Dr. Spa
SN W REP RT YES
NO
✔
OUR FAVORITE ONE LINERS FROM JOAN RIVERS The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it... OUR FAVORITE
The Way I See It...
ACCIDENT REPORTS FROM WAGON DAYS
• Willard and I decided to play a little craps at “The Casino” on Main Street Saturday afternoon and were told when we tried to buy some chips that there was no gambling allowed and that the bar’s name just The following reports were gathered from several insurance companies carried over from the old days. What a crock! When we looked around in the Wood River Valley and were submitted by the insured motorists all we saw were rock musicians playing songs in an unknown tongue. who braved the Wagon Days Festival Weekend the latter days of August: The place was so crowded, we could scarcely see. Willard wandered away from me and got caught in the phone booth behind the drum• I was driving west on 5th Street, passing the rear of Atkinsons’ Market mer in the rock band. He panicked and smashed his face through the on the left when suddenly a tan Buick Sedan with no apparent driver at glass opening in the booth and hit the drummer in the back of the head the wheel, ran the stop sign and crashed into my right fender, blowing which caused him to fall into his drum set and toss his sticks into the out my right front tire. The old Buick then quickly went into reverse air, one of which lodged in the nose of the Casino doorman: clearly by itself as no one could be seen behind the steering wheel and Damage–$750 for phone booth and drum set and $4,500 for a nose job. lumbered down the hill towards the traffic light on Main Street and ran directly into a large landscaping truck. The door on the old Buick slowly opened and an elderly diminutive lady about 4 foot 6 inches in her 80s • There’re six horses that roam and play around the pasture on Sun Valley Road and cause a great deal of disturbance with the tourists who come rolled out and gave me the finger to relax here in Ketchum during Wagon Days. My wife and three chilDamage–$625 and a request for road rage counseling and a bumper dren were conned by these animals all during the weekend. Every time chair. we’d pass by, they would run over to the fence and beg and wheedle • My car was parked on the side of Highway 75 by the Ketchum Cemetery food out of us. On Sunday, the gray one took my wallet out of my pants on Saturday, August 30th, right where the Wagon Days Parade passes. and chewed up all my credit cards right in front of me and then they all A witness later told me that all fourteen mules that were pulling the laughed at us. I vaulted the fence to get even and they chased me all over Big Hitch Wagons all simultaneously unloaded on the back of my 1999 the pasture. One old mare was laughing and whinnying so hard that she Dodge Caravan before the Sun Valley Hockey Team could implement keeled over and the Animal Hospice was called out to revive her and I their scoopers. Apparently, a good amount of the mule waste made its was given the vet bill to pay and I didn’t have any way to pay it because way into the tail pipe, sealing it shut. Later, when I started the car, a they had rolled me: farmer from Gooding standing behind was splattered and knocked Damage–$850 Horse doctor. Learning experience–priceless twenty feet into a EhCapa Bareback Rider who is now suing me for: Always carry a heavy amount of insurance when you visit our valley. Damage–$32.50 for dry cleaning and $6,000 for pain and humiliation. See you for the “Trailing of the Jeeps” in October and nice talking to you.
THE BLATANT COUNTY NEWS® © 2014 Blatant Publishing PO Box 6626 140 Leadville Ave Ketchum, ID 83340 Phone 208-726-4376
IRGO: (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23) V This month, when you are involved in a group picture, you will be handed the camera.
ISCES: (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) P You work 24/7. 24 hours a week and seven months a year.
IBRA: (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) L You have so much debt you could start a government.
RIES: (March 21 - April 20) A Bored? Resign in disgrace this month.
AURUS: (April 21 - May 21) T Has anyone seen your secret plans? They will this month.
email:
blatantcountynews@gmail.com
PUBLISHER | OWNERS
Chris Millspaugh
Matt Gorby SOUPY Sales PHOTOGRAPHERS Jimmy Olsen Ida Belle Gorby
S AGITTARIUS: (Nov. 24 - Dec. 21) You really want a social life but you don’t want to spend the money or put on pants.
REPORTERS All Our Sorry Relatives ADVERTISING Don Draper The Blatant County News has never won any awards, nor do we plan to. Our only goal is to not win (or lose) any lawsuits, so please, pretty, pretty please, DO NOT sue us.
CORPIO: (Oct. 24 - Nov. 23) S When you go back to school this month, you will find you won’t always have time for studing, but when you do, you won’t.
APRICORN: (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) C If your blood type is B Negative, you’re probably a pessimist. QUARIUS: (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) A Treat each month as if it’s your last and someday it will be.
EMINI: (May 22 - June 21) G You used to strongly object. Now, you couldn’t care less.
ANCER: (June 22 - July 23) C It takes you 30 milligrams of Adderall to get out of your truck.
EO: (July 24 - Aug. 23) L It always makes your heart smile when you see someone good-looking also be rich and successful - NOT!
The Blatant County News is published monthly (soon to be weekly) and free to the public. We welcome all comments/questions/problems/criticism. We have very large waste baskets here...
ROBIN WILLIAMS ONE LINERS Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. | I hate thin people:
photo by matt gorby of a photo by James Bourret
LOCAL BUSINESS OWNER RUINS DISNEY® PRINCESS FOR MOST LOCAL YOUTH. In Unrelated Matter, Sales of Crab Legs Skyrocket In Valley
SENIOR MOMENTS Where did I leave my glasses?
Sometimes it’s OK to throw Rocks at girls.
Isn’t it weird that when a cop goes by, I feel paranoid and not protected? No matter how bad your day seems, just remember, someone has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Grande. I can’t wait to be really old and dress like a couch. Sadness and fear are having the best month ever! I just found out that Ariana Grande is not a coffee drink at Starbucks AND A FEW GEMS FROM JOAN A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again. When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
www.christopherandcojewelry.com 208-788-1123 120 North Main Street, Hailey M-F 10am – 6pm Sat 10am – 5pm
‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’ | Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through
“It’s fall, so if you fall, you gotta call...”
DOCTOR DEAN
@
our favorite t-shirt
HAILEY CHIROPRACTIC
people
513 N. Main St. | Hailey, ID | (208) 788-3211
Strawberry Fields limited time only. Welcome to, the Christopher. Walken. School. Of. English.
4 out of 3
Free Consultations to Everyone... All The Time.
MISCELLANEOUS, TOO!
The first rule of the OCD Club is there has to be a second rule so we have an even number of rules.
struggle with math
Every day is an attack. Every night is a retreat. 5 out of 5 dentists get mad when you call them at 3:00 in the morning.
GO GET ‘EM
Was that lightening last week or are they taking pictures for Google Earth?
SPA & GORBS
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to see who they really are.
. • Giacobbi Square • Ketchum, Idaho
THIS FALL, IT MIGHT BE COOL TO BE NAKED, BUTT...
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PAWS AND CLAWS
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE SUPPORTING ROLL. 726-SUBS
OPEN EVERY DAY
EXCEPT SUNDAYS OF COURSE
Yes IT’S TRUE!
We take piles of sheet and make the perfect piece of sheet for YOU!
IN THE KETCHUM INDUSTRIAL PARK
It stands to reason, that if these are good for you...
GREAT FOR YOU!
IDAHO
If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s jealous, but if a kid says you’re ugly… YOU’RE UGLY. There’s no “i” in “illiteracy.” I lost 50 pounds last month by lying and being on Photoshop. My favorite thing that the new iPhone 6 can do is to distract me from my mortality. Squirrels are TV for homeless people. Technically, everyone who is not a doctor is a pre-med.
Does “fear of commitment” count toward getting a handicapped parking space? Middle Easter Bunny brings exploding eggs. Time to send your high horse to rehab.
5B PAWS N CLAWS
Last year, you had to be stinkin’ drunk to drop your phone into the urinal. Hailey - Bullion Sq. - 788-8688 & Ketchum - Sun Valley Rd. - 726-0737 Boise - 570 Main St. - 336-7777
616 SOUTH MAIN HAILEY, ID • 208-788-7888
There’s a direct proportion between how good a week I’m having and how many dirty wine glasses are in the dishwasher.
To spice up my weekend, I run the dishwasher and pretend that I’m on a cruise.
...this should be
CLEAN YOUR ACT UP AT
I’d lose weight, but I hate losing…
Open 7 Days a Week
DINE IN • TAKE OUT • DELIVERY
There are more skeletons wearing suits beneath the ground than there are living people.
his wallet. | People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can
&
Then NOW
FORMALLY: “What the hell did WE used to look like?”
These amazing prints are available at f-STOP:
digital imaging center Between the CAUSE and the CURE. Right behind Whiskey Jacques’ 251 North Washington Ave. | 208.726.3419 | www.fstopsunvalley.com MISCELLANEOUS, AS WELL...
HURRY DOWN TO
KETCHUM P A W N
4 out of 5 dentists agree the fifth guy is seriously “troubled.” When your wife texts you to come home for lunch for a “Quickie,” she meant, “Quiche.” Damn Autocollect! Visit our new religious social network website: FacePsalm.com I’m 100% done with today and 42% done with tomorrow. At your next interview, don’t say “I’m an applicant,” say “I’m an appliCAN!” It was love at first sight. I should have looked twice...
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Pennies Are Worth Nothing
just like the Government we’re running out of cash! 210 Sun Valley Road in Ketchum 208-726-0110 www.ketchumpawn.com
have a key made. | People say satire is dead; it’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House. | I wish I had a twin
CBG
MISS KITTY Shannon Lynn Beall
CORNERSTONE
BAR AND GRILL
1960-2014
Please join us at THE CASINO on Sat., Oct. 4th at 1:00 p.m. for a Pot Luck Celebration of the Life of SHANNON.
Please notice the GRILL part of our logo.
Our food ROCKS.
open every day @ : | .. main street in ketchum
gnubay your local
ebay
connection stores.ebay.com/gnumaginations-gnubay Gary Brower | g.whitworth@me.com | 530.400.4262
crap!
MOVIE C O M B O S
wisdom ♣ Education is important but cold beer is importanter. ♥ A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Last month we ran a series of hypothetical movie name combos on the bottom of the paper i.e. Lost Boys Don’t Cry. We asked ♠ People say nothing is impossible for your help to come up with synoposes but you do nothing of what they might look like after filmed. everyday. Nobody answered, so we made this poster. ENJOY! ♦ Hey, they’re selling
lives at the mall. You should get one.
BIG BROTHER’S OFF TO SCHOOL.
Your dating plan for the month begins with finding someone to date.
I’M HOME ALL DAY.
ALONE! BORED! WHAT AM I GOING
TO DO ALL BY MYSELF?
KETCHUM
OH YEAH, I’LL BRING MY MOM TO THE ...
Sun Valley Road & Walnut 208.726.3344 - 800.521.5379 www.tamaracksunvalley.com
KETCHUM 726-5966 SUN VALLEY 622-5966
IT’S 2:00
IN THE MORNING
Second & Main open nightly at 5:30 www.sushionsecond.com reservations welcome 208.726.5181
no shirt, no shoes, no problem.
SUSHI SO FRESH
AND
PEOPLE ARE
YELLING
“GET A
ROOM!”
It’s like Finding Nemo!
Find Us On Facebook Sushi On Second
Come on down and visit everyone’s favorite pub.
– ALL ARE WELCOME –
Except that ONE guy... you know who you are!
208.726.3604 ozziesshoes.com Leadville & 4th in Ketchum
Find Us On Facebook The Cellar Pub
Under the Big Chair on Sun Valley Rd thecellarpub.com 208-622-3832 Open 4:00 p.m. Every Day!
Join us at 11:00 a.m. every Sunday for NFL Football on our 4 Flatscreens
15% OFF YOUR NIGHT’S STAY
USE LOCAL15 FOR YOUR NIGHTLY
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THE
CELLAR PUB
KETCHUM, IDAHO
HAILEY
603 North Main Street 208.578.0600 - 877.542.0600 www.woodriverinn.com
so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery. | We had gay burglars the other night; they broke in and they
KETCHUM’S ONLY FINE DINING WITH A CRUISE SHIP ATMOSPHERE shuffleboard and bingo optional...
960 North Main St. Ketchum | 726-8004 | Bar 4:30 - Dining 5:30
BACK TO SCHOOL TIP #2:
THE BANDWAGON STARTS HERE!
get all your Bronco’s stuff @
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open from 11am until 2am 220 Main Street | Ketchum | 726-9901
weekly at the
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BELLEVUE, IDAHO rearranged the furniture. | I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio |
WE LOVE THIS PLACE
amazing photo by Nils Ribi
IT’S NOT OVER YET!!! i t ’ s co o l i n g d ow n
o u ts i de STOP BY THE BBQ HEADQUARTERS AT
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Hailey Ketchum Bellevue
THE LAUNDROMUTT KEEPING CLOTHES & CANINES CLEAN
STATE OF THE ART COIN LAUNDRY & COIN DOG WASH
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alpha bravo theblatant IT’S¯TOO countynews FUNNY 22O LEWIS STREET KETCHUM
window coverings 788-3564
the humor and rumor
FOR¯ONCE¯A
MONTH!
of the wood river valley
Starting the first of October, The Blatant County News will be in every issue of The Weekly Sun. That way, you don’t have to wait a whole month to bust a gut laughing out loud at our hilarious nonsense. Look for us weekly.
Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table’s ready.” R.I.P. Robin and Joan, “keep ‘em laughing up there...”