IS COUPLES SLEEPING IN SEPARATE ROOMS THE NEW NORM?

BY DORCAS AKINTOYE

Since childhood, I knew couples were meant to sleep in the same room and practically do many things together. Yet right after our honeymoon, Josh sat me down and told me he meant what he had said during our time of dating when I asked what his preferred sleeping arrangement is regarding sharing the same room with his partner. Every time I spent the night at his, we'd make the sweetest love, and he'd go off to the guest room. I thought it was something I could deal with until Josh told me the same thing after we got married.

We've had the talk, and he still isn't budging. The first thought that crossed my mind after the honeymoon was he was gay and wasn't attracted to me but needed to keep up appearances, but apparently, that's what he knows. You see, his parents have slept in separate rooms in all their thirty years of marriage. It's been five years since we've been sleeping separately now, and from the look of things, we are headed for the same record as his parents or even break it.

I have come to accept and even like the idea— I don't have to have a headache when I'm not in the mood to perform my conjugal duties. My door is locked, and that says it all.

If social norms are anything to go by, couples who live under the same roof are expected to sleep in the same bed. Still, today, couples sleeping apart has become increasingly common. However, many people aren't bold enough to come out about sleeping separately with their partner because they fear judgment.

The effects of sleeping in separate rooms can be highly positive or negative for a relationship. There are so many reasons for a couple to want to sleep apart, and some common reasons couples sleep apart include snoring, parasomnia, restlessness, and conflicting sleep schedules, among others. If a couple's desire to sleep apart originates from a romantic disconnection or marital problems, they should try to work things out with themselves before it gets out of hand. So we interviewed five married people (anonymously), and we asked them to tell us about their view of couples sleeping in separate bedrooms.

The survey ranged from people in their twenties to people in their fifties, and their responses were quite interesting. It goes to show that there are several reasons couples can or can't sleep apart, and this workability is purely dependent on the couples involved.

Anonymous —20s

"Every couple has different reasons for sleeping separately, but I sleep separately with my partner during periods when my spouse and I need our individual space for self-reflection or to heal or recover from something that has happened. We all deal with situations in different ways, and for some people, it's just solitude moment that brings relief and healing."

Anonymous —30s

"I believe in sleeping in the same room. Growing up, my parents had different rooms, and I didn't like it. There was mum's room and dad's room. I don't know why I didn't like it - but I made up my mind that when I got married, I'll be in the same room."

Anonymous —40s

"It's shocking how some marriages are over, and the couples are unaware. In my home, I can't even be in a different room when my wife is home. We watch TV together (if I don't like her TV program, I record mine and watch it later and vice versa). The only time I am in a different room is when I use the loo!"

Anonymous —50s

"I'm afraid...not aimed at the 'closer' objective—this isn't one of those. More about each wanting personal space at this point in our marriage. We drifted into it. It wasn't conscious and deliberate."

Anonymous 50s

"My wife and I, ever since we got married, share the same room, and that's the standard practice. However, there have been instances where we had to sleep in separate rooms, and the length of time we slept separately was due to some circumstances requiring us to sleep in different rooms.

Some of the reasons we had to sleep in different rooms were when I was working on a project, so I stayed up very late or had to wake up pretty early, and my wife is a light sleeper, so I didn't want to disturb her. Also, during her extended fasting period, she has to pray and needs to leave the lights on, which affects my sleep as I love to sleep in a pitch-dark room. So I temporarily moved to another room.

There are occasions, and people may have a contrary view to this, that inevitable disagreements may require that you temporarily sleep in different rooms to enable you to cope and deal with the hurt, although this should be too protracted; otherwise, it becomes the norm and causes further damage to the relationship."