FROM PAIN TO PURPOSE
HEALING AT A DEEPER LEVEL
NO. 3 // $6.99
The Power behind Pain
OUTLIERS: CHOOSING HAPPINESS
CONTENTS WELCOME 03 EDITOR'S LETTER
THE FLOW OF LIFE. 07 FROM PAIN TO PURPOSE: MY JOURNEY OF HEALING THROUGH FAITH AND FASHION 11 NUANCES OF EMOTIONAL PAIN 17 PAIN(T) SUFFERING 22 YOU’VE GOT THE POWER! TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR MENOPAUSE JOURNEY 27 THE PAIN OF INFERTILITY: MOURNING EXPECTATIONS AND RECLAIMING MY IDENTITY 33 THE PAIN OF OVERWHELM: USING THE CONTROL, INFLUENCE, ADAPT FRAMEWORK TO RECLAIM OUR POWER 40 FINDING PURPOSE IN EMPTINESS 44 MINDSET SHIFT: NOT ALL PAIN IS BAD WHAT SETS YOUR SOUL ON FIRE? 49 6 STEPS FOR USING EMOTIONAL PAIN AS A CATALYST FOR TRANSFORMATION: THE GIFT OF EMOTIONAL PAIN
56
HOW TO AVOID PAINFUL PITFALLS IN THE ADOPTION PROCESS
61
FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS: THE PAIN AND REWARD OF ENTREPRENEURSHIP
52 PAIN: IS IT WHAT KEEPS US MOVING?
WWW.ZIVAVOICES.COM
UNDERSTANDING PAIN 65 I CHOOSE MY PAIN: AN INTERVIEW WITH ZOE MELISSA MAE. 68 PODCAST RECOMMENDATIONS 69 PHYSICAL PAIN AS A CATALYST FOR PERSONAL GROWTH 75 HEALING AT A DEEPER LEVEL
PART 2: REFLECTION GUIDE
80
WORKBOOK
82
NEW FRONTIER: LEARN ABOUT YOUR PAIN
84
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAIN: WORKSHEETS
PART 3: THE ZIVA VOICES 87 - 92
WWW.ZIVAVOICES.COM
BEHIND THE SCENES OF ZIVA VOICES!
Editor’s Letter BY DR. KINGA MNICH
When I envisioned an issue on the topic of pain, I pictured the writers of this bookazine tackling anything from chronic pain or the occasional migraine that may be hindering you from achieving your daily goals. But as you will explore here, pain also shows up as an emotional experience: from grief and sorrow to jealousy, shame, confusion, and even the inability to experience joy. While I am aware of the importance of this subject, I could not have foreseen the avalanche of conversations the topic would trigger. The intensity of those conversations, and the trust I received from so many, is something that will stay with me forever. It deeply affected me, allowing me to get to know every one of our contributors in a way I would never have been able to do otherwise. I am thankful and humbled by this experience. And, now, I hope their work will have an equal impact on you, and how you see pain. Pain is part of life, from the moment you are born until the moment you die. In the broader sense, it is safe to say that life is full of pain, and how we respond to it impacts the course of our lives. 03 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
The authors in this issue share some of their most personal and painful experiences, diving into the experience of losing a child and not being able to fulfill a childhood dream, down to the day-to-day practicality of overcoming physical and mental pain.
Just like anger, suppressed pain has the power to pull the rug from under your feet when you least expect it. Not addressing pain can be a self-destructive ticking time-bomb which, once released, may become rather too unbearable to process without professional help.
We will be exploring how people manage to integrate pain into their life as part of the flow of their daily existence. We will see how some, instead of being disabled by their pain, take energy from it and learn to understand it as part of their identity.
In this issue, we have 14 incredible women sharing their personal experiences, best practices, and how-todeal-with-pain tools to help you stay ahead and understand pain as part of life and as part of you!
I have to admit that I often push pain aside instead of embracing it as part of life. This is not optimal because suppressed or unacknowledged pain can come back at the most unfortunate moments and nip you in the buttocks!
Thank you for joining us in this most necessary exploration of one of life’s daily burdens.
Kinga Mnich
DR. KINGA MNICH EDITOR IN CHIEF
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 04
FOCUS ON THE FLOW OF LIFE. SEE BEYOND THE PAIN. DON'T ALLOW IT TO BECOME YOUR LIFE.
VISIT WWW.ZIVAVOICES.COM
1 PART ONE
At times we feel alone, misunderstood, and lack the inspiration to continue on our path.
DEVELOPING A GROWTH MINDSET FILLED WITH ABUNDANCE & FLOW
From Pain to Purpose By Ciara Coleman
"Fathers have a way of telling their sons and their daughters the truth of who they are. And when we lose that, when nobody tells us, we are open to every lie that anyone will tell us."
I first heard this quote while watching the movie The Heart of Man. Immediately, my heart began to race, and a heaviness filled the room, causing me to pause the movie, close my eyes and reflect. I’ve always known the importance of having active parents, but I had never considered a father’s role in establishing a child’s identity.
Every day I didn’t see him or hear his voice was another brick added to my wall of resentment. I saw dads playing with their kids in the park, picking up their sons from school, or teaching their daughters how to ride a bike, and I longed for that same relationship with my father. I questioned if I was good enough or if he even loved me at all.
I was raised in a single-parent home. My home was full of pink walls, dolls, and makeup, but it lacked a male presence. I would see my father on special occasions–birthdays, holidays, or an occasional weekend–but there were some days that I wouldn’t see him or hear from him at all. At such a young age, I couldn’t wrap my mind around why my father didn’t come around much. Over the years, feelings of pain and rejection began to build up.
When I started school, I was naturally very shy and didn’t have many friends. I carried the pain that I felt from not having my father around with me and it left a void and an emptiness inside that I began filling with all the negative lies that I was being told about myself. At school, I had a hard time fitting in, and I was often made fun of for my looks. Other students told me I was too dark, too skinny, or my nose was too big. I started to believe what they were saying and struggled with my selfconfidence.
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As I got older, I started hanging around those who I felt accepted me, even if they weren’t the best influence. I started drinking, smoking, and having sex at a young age because it helped me to temporarily feel better about myself and fit in amongst my peers. I felt like I had finally been accepted and loved but soon found out that I was doing more damage than good. The drugs, alcohol, and sex distorted my view of reality. I fell into cycles of addiction, chasing a temporary high to make myself feel better, not realizing that the people that I had felt connected to were just as empty, broken, and hurt as I was. In the summer of 2008, I stepped onto the campus of the University of Kentucky. My roommate was a friend from high school, which made the transition easier, but I was still afraid and did all that I could to just shrink into the background. Ultimately, my efforts of trying to make myself invisible failed, and I was invited by friends to several different faith-based organization events.
“It was my faith that saved me. My belief in something bigger than myself is what helped me to finally love myself, love others, and practice true forgiveness.” 08 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
The organization that won me over was Black Voices, a historical campus gospel choir. Not only did it help me grow in my relationship with God, but it gave me the community and fellowship that I always wanted. Throughout the remainder of my undergrad tenure, I began to seek God more through prayer, discipleship, bible studies, and fellowship, and I felt my confidence increase. I began learning who I was in Christ, which ultimately led to me discovering my purpose and exploring more of my passion.
I changed my degree from biology to fashion merchandising and the healing process continued. The more I learned about fashion, the more I learned of myself. Fashion became not just an outward journey, but an inward one as well. Discovering my personal style gave me the opportunity to heal that inner child that felt rejected by her father and was made fun of and talked about in school. It allowed me to mold myself into the confident woman that I’ve always wanted to be. I fell in love with bold colors, textures, and prints and began to see fashion as a form of self-expression and communication. I dressed up everywhere I went because it made me feel good inside. Through my faith, I have tapped into a more confident version of myself, and that came from choosing to be who I’ve always been underneath the pain, lies, and disappointment. I never would have thought that I would be working in the fashion industry as a model and designer, encouraging other women to overcome their insecurities and to love themselves. Fashion, along with my faith, became the driving force in helping to heal the scars that my father left behind.
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So, although he has hurt me and still disappoints me, I don’t stop loving him. Love is selfless and genuine and it sets the foundation for forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just for the other person, but for yourself. When you forgive someone, you are freeing yourself from the control that you have allowed them to have over your life. It allows you to have a greater understanding of the other person and what they’ve been through.
“Love is one of the most important principles of my faith. We are called to love God, to love our neighbor as ourselves, and to love our enemies. There is no prerequisite for love.”
It does not make excuses for that person or what they have done, but it allows you to understand that no one is perfect, and we all have our own journey toward healing and self-discovery. Forgiveness is powerful because it allows you to tap into a more compassionate part of yourself and strengthens you for the trials to come. Learning to love and forgive my father is not easy. It doesn’t mean that he is absolved from all wrongdoing, nor does it mean that he is doing everything right. It means that I am choosing to rise above my pain and not let it run my life. By loving and forgiving my father, I can be who I truly am, and I can express who I am through my fashion choices. Anaïs Nin wrote, “The secret of joy is the mastery of pain.” Because of what I have experienced, I am able to help others who have been through something similar. I’ve embraced my pain as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow, both spiritually and naturally. We are not promised an easy life, and I will be hurt again, by a friend or a stranger perhaps. Pain will come again and when it does, I’ll be more prepared. And I’ll look amazing.
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Ciara Johnson is a content creator, influencer, fashion designer and model. Her goal is to empower women to overcome their insecurities and love themselves. @kblessedcurls_ www.seeciara.com
MIND
NUANCES OF EMOTIONAL PAIN By Corene Phelps
Have you ever played the icebreaker game, “This or That?” It goes like this... You are given two scenarios. Both options are typically less than ideal, and you have to choose which you prefer. Play along with me. Which would you choose?... physical pain or emotional pain?
I would choose emotional pain, but only because I have an extraordinary tool to eradicate it. (Before learning this hack, I would have picked physical all day long). Let's explore the nuances of both. Physical pain echoes until you halt and listen. We tend to devote undivided attention to physical pain and proactively find solutions. In contrast, emotional pain can be silent yet deadly. It can ebb and flow with constant reminders like memories & triggers that we dissociate from—the equivalent of brushing dirt under the carpet. We can’t see it and sometimes forget it, but it’s always there. The result is unawareness coupled with denial and the inability to either identify or process the root cause often leads to depression & anxiety. By becoming desensitized, the emotional pain insidiously lends itself to a myriad of problems and in many cases, a somewhat chaotic life. Emotional pain tends to bear no glaring external signals to the world that might result in the sufferer receiving empathy, 11 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
furthering the internal struggle to find solace in unhealthy ways. Although the brain does not process emotional and physical pain in the same way, research shows a substantial overlap in the neural pathways and regions activated in our brains. This is why a broken heart quite literally causes physical discomfort and pain—drawing a solid conclusion that long-term emotional pain can cause disease when it goes untreated. While emotional pain originates from non-physical sources, they are interconnected in many ways. Both emotional and physical pain are linked to changes in the prefrontal cortex, opening up the pain, both emotional & physical that can be tracked on a spectrum or continuum. Emotional pain can show up in many different forms, such as habitual thought loops, low selfesteem, imposter syndrome, anxiety, peoplepleasing, perfectionism, and depression. Evidence also shows a clear correlation between well-being and emotional health. All of these impact happiness and & long-term success in life if not addressed.
(Depending on the severity of the aforementioned, intervention from a mental health provider may be required.) One of the most potent modalities making waves in the mental health and personal development spaces is ancient and widely used across the globe: Breathwork. A new modality of Breathwork to enter the space is HypnoBreathwork®.
Grof found that accelerated breath to evocative music could enter alternate realms of the psyche to explore and heal childhood memories and experiences. Through increased oxygen and decreased carbon dioxide, we activate different areas of the brain to create new neural pathways for deeper insights and heightened clarity while dissipating the root of unresolved emotional charges. Diving deeper into each specific tool
HypnoBreathwork® combines the power of 3 separate tools into one innovative and cutting-edge modality. This type of breathwork works to clear suppressed emotions and energetic patterns, merging hypnosis and visualization for subconscious reprogramming. This optimized process heals unprocessed emotions while rewiring limiting beliefs and automated habits to create sustainable behavior change. Breathwork is an experiential therapy using circular, connected breaths to access altered states of consciousness, clear suppressed emotions, and stagnant energy from the mind and body. Modern-day Breathwork was developed by Stanislav Grof, a clinical psychologist studying LSD in the 1960s.
Breathwork accelerates trance-induced states where our brain waves are more suggestible. It allows us to align our conscious goals and subconscious motivations with shifting our energy to create the life we want. Hypnosis is a technique using focused awareness in a deep, relaxed state to penetrate the subconscious mind – the source of motivations, habits, behaviors, attitudes, emotions, and self-talk. The American Medical Association (AMA) approved hypnotherapy in 1958 as an effective, evidence-based solution for stress, behavioral control, and self-improvement. Through guided hypnosis in a trance-like state, we can turn attention inward and utilize natural resources to replace outdated beliefs, flawed perceptions, and unfulfilled values.
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 12
Visioning allows your soul's vision to come through rather than your ego's vision. Our soul's vision can come through with imagery, messages, and downloads and may include cues and clues to know your purpose and future actions. As we take action on the visions, we allow our path to unfold and live our truth. Hypnotherapy + Breathwork + Visioning = HypnoBreathwork® HypnoBreathwork® stimulates different parts of the brain rather than just quieting it down as meditation and yoga do. It's more active and intentional, a perfect entry point for accelerated results. We can reprogram and take action by releasing energy, accessing memories, and ultimately getting to the root of emotional charges. The most incredible thing is that you can feel it working immediately, within minutes. Benefits include releasing People Pleasing, Playing Small, Fear of Judgement, Fear of Abandonment, Low Self-Worth, Anxiety & Stress, Self-Doubt, Uncertainty, Control, Perfectionism, Release of Suppressed Emotions + Subconscious Reprogramming = Creating the life you want. Through the use of this tool, I have personally made massive breakthroughs, but more important are the powerful breakthroughs my clients continue to create in life and business.
Kelly (name changed for privacy) was navigating the emotional pain of a divorce and failed business partnership simultaneously. Through the use of HypnoBreathwork®, she was able to process her feelings, find forgiveness, and move through both life changes in quick succession. Instead of avoiding the pain, or prolonging the inevitable, we were able to work through everything systematically in a short period of time. Fast forward to just a few short months using this work: she has created a new business without dragging around the old baggage and is happily co-parenting her 3 children. After moving through emotional barriers, HypnoBreathwork® offers the perfect springboard to access flow state on demand. Flow State is often described as THE ZONE, a mental state in which a person performing some activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the activation process. Studies link flow state to happiness, and high performers tout it as “the” tool to create or achieve the seemingly impossible. Experience the power for yourself here with this Flow State HypnoBreathwork session designed for you to access deeper clarity.
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 13
FLOW - HYPNO BREATH MEDITATION WITH BY CORENE PHELPS Listen to Corey's special gift to our readers
Corene is a Native Washingtonian who traded a successful career in luxury real estate traded for entrepreneurship, investing and personal development. She is obsessed with combining the power of peak performance, intuition & purpose to harness untapped potential. Her mission is to help others tap into the power of the subconscious and unlock new levels of wealth, success & freedom.
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www.linkedin.com/in/corene-phelps www.corene-phelps.com
Listen to a special session designed by Corey here.
“Oh shit! I didn’t mean for that to happen!" I watched the pigments and salt do as they will, a soft bloom spreading before my eyes as my tear literally worked its way into my art. My Nana had just died of cancer. It was ruthless, it took her too soon...and on the heels of two other grandparents within the last 12 months. Thank you Covid, there were no funerals. No goodbyes. Just the failed expectation that all my grandparents were just a visit away. I think that was the first time I let my emotions wash over me and out through the gentle strokes of my paintbrush. My grief was living on in those pigments. But you see, salt cuts through watercolor pigments, and leaves a cold stark white spot where it falls. The spot before me felt right—pain cutting through the color, the life. The spot wouldn’t smooth out...I couldn’t lift it out...and the hurt, frustration, sadness, and pain just spilled over in more tears. I let them fall, and worked them into a blotchy blurry background, the setting for the purple iris I was painting in Nana’s memory...It was her favorite flower. It was beauty, surrounded by my pain. What is it with pain? It seems to be a constant in life and feels so unfair.
My most constant pain? A secret lesbian identity. Raised the favorite child in a conservative Christian home, with a standard of perfection, there was no place to be me. Our gay uncle was unloved and cast out of our family, and I swore I would never tell a soul. If I was unlovable, they would never know. No one would ever know. Like an underpainting invisible to the viewer, the psychological and spiritual sufferings I experienced served as the layer beneath the “joyful optimist” that people saw. I’ve done my fair share of trying to avoid suffering or at least cover it up. Like choosing a bright quinacridone gold pigment to layer into vibrant color, surely finding enough beauty to layer on top of my pain would fix it?! Maybe it would even fix my lesbian self?
4 1⁄2 years into my marriage with my husband, I had given up hope. My colorful layers of beauty had not fixed me. With a final stroke of my brush, the bloodred layers of pigment in front of me were finished. I hadn’t covered anything, the deepest layers were spilling out the top. My paper screamed out...in pain, unseen... it cried
“I’M SUFFERING!!” That was my heart bleeding out on that paper, my little lesbian heart. The face faded out before you could catch the dying eyes. No identity. No one knew. I had cast aside everything having to do with her, with my lesbian identity. Driven to find good things to pursue, good women to model my life after, ultimately I was in pursuit of a God whose affection I thought I could earn. I had done the right thing, God was supposed to fix me. Or at least grow an attraction to the fine man I called my husband. But he hadn’t, and I was angry. I felt broken, and beyond repair. Could the pain ever go away? Was an integrated version of me even possible?! In the months that followed coming out to my husband and a handful of close friends, I waffled between despair, grief, and peace. I despaired that there would ever be a life where I would be fully seen, known, and still loved. How could I be a Christian and still acknowledge being a lesbian?
How could I be a wife to a man, and not utterly hate the betrayal I felt towards myself? I grieved a lost identity, feeling as though every facet of me was a good piece of someone else that I claimed as my own. So much time was spent digging to find a version of myself I recognized. While I lived in pursuit of purposeful and worthwhile things, the effort somehow
"Never Alone"
EMPOWERMENT
YOU’VE GOT THE POWER! TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR MENOPAUSE JOURNEY By: Lisa King
It was a beautiful June morning when I woke up on a restaurant floor, EMTs hovering over me. I had apparently passed out during breakfast with my daughter. I had been having what I thought was an “extremely heavy period” for six weeks. I didn’t call my doctor because, frankly, I thought this was just what menopause was, and that I just had to deal with it. A trip to the emergency room, one blood transfusion, and a prescribed daily dose of hormones later, I contemplated: How did I go from a confident, curious, and tenacious woman to feeling powerless, confused, and ashamed without any warning? 22 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
This was the day that I started taking control of my menopause transition. It was the day that my mission became clear: I knew I had to start a dialogue with other women about the emotional and physical pain of menopause, and how to thrive on the journey. What is the Menopause & the Menopause Transition? Menopause in its means the end menstruation cycle.
simplest definition of the monthly
Medical professionals say that menopause is official “twelve months since your last period.” Forbes reported in 2019 that by 2025, over 1 BILLION women in the world will be experiencing menopause. That’s approximately 12% of the world population, and yet it can sometimes feel like you are the only person going through it! So, technically it’s simple. “One year from your last period” is a snapshot in time - you don’t even know you’ve had your last period except in retrospect. However, there are many things leading up to and after that day. Symptoms may arrive as early as seven to ten years (!) before Menopause and linger well after, so I prefer using the phrase the Menopause Transition to encompass the entire journey from perimenopause to post-menopause. It’s an interesting, unpredictable, sometimes scary journey that is unique to each person, and one that impacts the entire body. It Begins with Perimenopause Around age 35, the ovaries begin to decrease and shift the production of the hormones estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone to the adrenal glands, paving the way for the natural transition that the majority of people with ovaries experience. This is Perimenopause. Hot flashes, night sweats, brain fog, and irregular, possibly heavy, periods are just a few of the more talked about symptoms as the journey begins. 23 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
But there are numerous symptoms associated perimenopause.
other with
Often overlooked and less talked about is pain. That includes muscle and joint pain, breast pain, and even painful intercourse. WebMD (www.webmd.com) reports that women in midlife are twice as likely to experience chronic pain such as migraines, fibromyalgia, and back pain during this time (Shaw, 2019). There is also emotional pain from feelings of isolation, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and the stigma of aging. A survey conducted by AARP with 400 women reported that 84% of women said symptoms interfered with their lives, and 12% defined them as debilitating (Wolff, 2018). But it’s not all bad news! The great news is that most of the symptoms, including pain, can be curtailed or even eliminated. What’s AFTER Menopause? Post-menopause is the stage that exists after the cessation of your menstrual cycle. In short, it encompasses the rest of your life after the Menopause Transition. At this stage, the ovaries have stopped producing hormones. Hormonal fluctuations have leveled out, and symptoms have begun to dissipate, though they may not disappear completely.
(A hot flash and night sweats still pay me a friendly visit occasionally!) Additionally wrinkles, lax muscles, weight gain, and hair loss may become more prevalent. Because of societal norms around aging, these changes often bring the emotional pain of shame and loss of confidence. Chronic joint pain may increase due to the reduction of estrogen and may be exacerbated due to other menopause symptoms like weight gain and lack of sleep. Migraines or fibromyalgia may continue and more serious health issues such as osteoporosis, heart disease, and Alzheimer’s become a concern. Again, the good news remains: many of these can become mitigated with lifestyle changes. So, what can you do?
3 Things You Can Do to Feel Empowered During the Menopause Transition 1. Educate yourself. One of the best ways to take control of your menopause and feel more confident advocating for yourself is to arm yourself with knowledge. The North American Menopause Society is a great place to start. They have a video series and downloadable resources on the website. You will also find a list of doctors there who have training in working with women during the menopause transition.
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Also, be prepared and make a plan when you visit your doctor. Before your visit, make a list of all the things that are bothering you and identify the top two concerns on the list. Dr. Jen Gunter, in an interview with Glennon Doyle on her podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things” suggests working down the list with your doctor and also asking what else could be driving your symptoms. She also recommends asking for ageappropriate health screenings to rule out other things. If your doctor isn’t open to this, find a new doctor. I ditched mine, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. It’s important that you are comfortable and feel supported and heard. 2. Move your body. Movement is medicine and one of the best forms of self-care during menopause. In her book, “The Joy of Movement,” Kelly McGonical, PhD, outlines how even short bursts of moderate exercise have been shown to be effective in reducing pain and increasing joy, by releasing a “cocktail of dopamine, endorphins and endocannabinoids into the bloodstream.” Resistance and strength training just twenty minutes three times a week prevent osteoporosis and sarcopenia and may increase confidence.
The Mayo Clinic suggests yoga is a great tool for quieting the mind, easing anxiety, and reducing pain by strengthening and stretching the body. However, as we age, barriers to movement arise. According to a survey of women in the UK in 2021 shared on Menopause Movement, body confidence and judgment are major barriers to going to the gym. Thirty percent have a concern about showing their bodies in a public setting, and 27% fear judgment by other women. So let’s expand the definition of movement beyond the gym. Find movement you love; dancing in your living room, walking in the park, paddleboarding, or working out in the pool. Start where you are! 3. Eat Mindfully & Nourish Yourself Start by noticing how you feel after eating certain foods. Do you have joint pain or belly pain? Headache or heartburn? Eating mindfully is a great place to start. Begin with small changes, like replacing processed foods with whole, fresh foods and substituting fresh fruit for sugary snacks. Extra protein and healthy fats at each meal will help maintain muscle and bone mass and support brain health. Add in foods high in antioxidants, like berries and leafy greens. Carbs are not your enemy. They are necessary to prevent brain fog and keep you energized. 25 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
Consider adding supplements to your diet, but always consult with your doctor first. Does your brain kick on at night? Try taking Magnesium to help relax your muscles and quiet your mind. If joint pain is an issue, try adding Omega-3S and Turmeric. They have been reported to reduce inflammation and lubricate your joints. Vitamin D also helps reduce chronic pain. Ladies, you CAN thrive during your menopause transition. First, become knowledgeable about this natural change. Next, find your support team; a menopause doula, a doctor you trust and a close group of friends. Finally, make a few lifestyle tweaks, and I know you will emerge on the other side, strong and bold. Remember, you’ve got the power!
References (n.d.). North American Menopause Society (NAMS) Focused on Providing Physicians, Practitioners & Women Menopause Information, Help & Treatment Insights. Retrieved June 27, 2022, from https://www.menopause.org/ How can sports facilities remove the barriers for women to exercise? (n.d.). Menopause Movement. Retrieved June 28, 2022, from https://www.menopausemovement.co/blog/howcan-sports-facilities-remove-the-barriers-forwomen-to-exercise We Can Do Hard Things, Episode 90, “Menopause, What We Deserve to Know,” Glennon Doyle, aired April 21,2022.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisa-king-b4b578232/ @lisaking_the_literary_yogi
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Lisa King is a Yoga teacher, certified Menopause Doula and loves being a midlife mama. She began practicing yoga in her mid forties and found that it helped her navigate the stuff that midlife brings with it; anxiety, mood swings, changing body shape, sleeplessness and even empty nesting. Her expertise lies in Yoga for Beginners, Yoga for Menopause and Women’s Health. Lisa’s goal is to help women thrive and move with confidence in the second season of life, through education, community, collaboration, yoga and mindfulness practices.
THE PAIN OF
INFERTILITY
Mourning expectations and reclaiming my identity.
By Davonna Saier
I can never remember a time in my childhood that I wasn’t toting a baby doll. Every Christmas I was gifted the latest model – dolls that burped, crawled, and even cried if their sensor detected I was not nearby. I gave these “babies” the utmost care and love, knowing one day I would have a real one.
As a teenager, I had the typical millennial ‘American girl’ dream to go to college, meet the right man, establish myself in a responsible career, and then become a mom. That was the plan that I faithfully and diligently worked to bring to life, and it all came to pass… until the last step. I was 31 years old and had the most wonderful husband, a master’s degree, a fulfilling job, and supportive friends. I was ready to put my energy into raising a family. However, my attempts to carry a child, the ONE THING I always thought would be the easiest and most natural part of my journey, turned out to be the biggest challenge of my life… one that brought great despair, loneliness, and pain. “Your AMH levels are incredibly low for your age. The only option you have is IVF.” I remember the doctor explaining my egg count and quality were below average. It was gut-wrenching news, but I was assured by the medical team and my own self-confidence that I could get pregnant. I believed it. After all, I had accomplished everything else I had planned to do. And so, for the next three years, I did things to my body, mind, and spirit that I could never have imagined as that little girl caring for my doll babies.
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My daily routine and reproductive organs fell under a microscope of calculated regimens and instructions. I gave myself shots in my stomach that burned and caused my endocrinology system to completely consume me. I traveled 2-5 times a week to a clinic that was hours from my home for blood work, consults, and procedures. I endured multiple surgeries to have my eggs retrieved, hoping they would fertilize so embryos could then be put back in me. And when we got lucky enough in the process to get to the implantation stage, we would then have to wait for two forever-weeks in hopes of a positive pregnancy test.
Looking back, I have to laugh at how seriously I took trying to get pregnant. But I am also very proud of how I managed to do everything in my power to achieve the result I wanted so desperately. Anything scientific or superstitious, I did it. I took yoga classes, had acupuncture treatment, saw a chiropractor, drank only room temperature water out of glass, wore pearls, rubbed incense on my belly, put a rabbit’s food under my pillow, and kept my feet warm and legs elevated. I ingested special supplements and ate Brazilian nuts and goji berries. I prayed. I meditated. I consulted anyone with an opinion, including wet nurses, clerics, life coaches, wise older women I would meet on the street, even a professional clairvoyant.
I lost count of the number of trips, retrievals, embryos, surgeries, etc., but what I do remember is how many times I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test. Exactly twice. I bought fun announcement cards to surprise my family. I had the special blanket from my grandmother, enough onesies to dress the neighborhood, and the ‘nursery ideas’ Pinterest board marked as my favorite. We had names picked out. I bought the “Mom” car, and I was actively changing all aspects of my life to prepare for the child that was on the way.
While the physical pains were a lot to endure, the psychological and emotional pains were greater still. I was and am to this day so fortunate to have a husband that loves me unconditionally and wants for me only what I want for myself. With him having two children from a previous marriage, it was all too easy for me to compare what I couldn’t give him to that which was given him before, and it was tearing me apart from the inside.
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 28
I also come from a very small family, and the pressure I put on myself to give my mother a grandchild and make my grandparent's greatgrandparents was immense. I felt that because so many of my friends had and were having children, somehow, I was not measuring up to anyone’s expectations. During the entire process of trying to conceive, and especially after the miscarriages, the smallest thing would break me down. I would pass the baby aisle in the department store and panic. I would hear a child crying and start crying myself. There were even times when my arms physically ached to hold a baby. So many people would ask me why I didn’t adopt a child, insisting that was the perfect fix for someone who nature was denying motherhood. Friends and acquaintances would remind me women miscarry all the time and attempt to reassure by saying “at least you know you can get pregnant” and “god has a plan.” I became exhausted having to explain myself to every well-meaning person that I eventually just started to smile and nod, and then quickly and abruptly change the subject. I felt incredibly incomplete and unworthy of love. I resented the immense pouring of blood from my body with each miscarriage, and with every ensuing menstrual cycle I relived the trauma.
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I FELT INCREDIBLY INCOMPLETE AND UNWORTHY OF LOVE. I RESENTED THE IMMENSE POURING OF BLOOD FROM MY BODY WITH EACH MISCARRIAGE, AND WITH EVERY ENSUING MENSTRUAL CYCLE, I RELIVED THE TRAUMA.”
The ‘wasted’ time, the painful procedures, the ‘trust the universe’ rituals I had practiced, all left me empty but for the terrible ache of a broken heart and the symptoms of PTSD. Add to that the fact that insurance did not pay a single penny. This journey had wiped out our savings and left us with nothing to show for it but debt and despair, and the financial strain only exacerbated the guilt. I was hungry for empathy from other women but found it difficult to find friends who could relate. The loneliness and shame I felt was unbearable. My body was broken. My soul defeated, my heart lost. I had become so focused on what I thought I needed to complete me, that I no longer knew who “I” was. My doctor no longer offered reassurance, but instead simply stated as a matter of fact, that after this many failures, the only viable next step would be choosing an egg donor to replace what my body could not provide. My spirit was exhausted, and I shut down. In the years we spent trying to get pregnant I had lost sight of why I even wanted a baby. I realized I was at a crossroads, and it was time to take a break and re-evaluate my life and my priorities. I needed to work on Davonna. I went to therapy. I went back to eating and drinking whatever I wanted. We adopted a kitten that was extremely pitiful and had health problems. I was immediately drawn to him because he looked the way my heart felt at the time. And I slowly gave myself permission to feel again.
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During this break, I stopped forcing myself to be strong. For the first time in my adult life, I acknowledged my road was blocked and I had to find a detour. I let myself grieve the death of a little girl’s dream. I intentionally practiced self-love and thanked my body for all the good it did for me. I rediscovered the cherished relationship I have with my husband. I asked for what I needed from my friends. Ever so slowly, and with great tender care, I began a journey of re-discovering who I am and more importantly who I wanted to be. Gradually I was able to acknowledge this truth - “The fact that I am not a mother does not define me as a woman.” I also came to realize that neither does my career, my car or home, my bank account, or even my marriage. Putting hard earned sacred space between the pain of the past and an unknowable future has resulted in a newfound clarity in which I get to decide where my energy goes. Rediscovery for me now has become a never-ending process of growth and renewal, and I revel in each new opportunity to engage with our broken world as my best self. I am Davonna Saier. And I am childless by choice.
Davonna is passionate about promoting “all that is good.” Leveraging her extensive experience in marketing and communications, PR, and management, she has created Davonna Inc. The “Inc” stands for inclusive, as she believes inclusiveness is key to changing our world for the better.
https://davonna.net/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/davonnasaier-mha-56315228/
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Happiness is the joy that you feel in moving toward your
potential.
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 21
SEP-NOV 2022
The Pain of Overwhelm: Using the "Control, Influence, Adapt" Framework to Reclaim our Power by Elizabeth Lucas-Averett
Overwhelm (in verb form) means “to bury or drown beneath a huge mass, to defeat completely, or to inundate.” Often what we mean when we say we “feel overwhelmed,” is to say that we are in a state of despair by all that we need to do, or by all that we are feeling, or by all that we are supposed to do (and don’t know where to start). You may be in a state of overwhelm created by a myriad of factors that demand your time and energy. Maybe it’s parenting, or working, or managing a household, or too many projects… or, too many businesses! Maybe you are overwhelmed by your financial state, your relationship, or the general feeling that you could be doing more, accomplishing more... Perhaps you’re falling prey to misconceptions of your own worth, and you are overwhelmed by your need to meet a certain standard for the way you look or show up in this world. Or you may feel overwhelmed by the pain you see every day, and that you feel powerless to stop. THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE
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Current events, injustices, the lack of fairness and equity that are prevalent in our culture… Does your internal radar ping at any of these?
“Overwhelm keeps us small. ” As long as we are crushed underneath the weight of a thing, we are right where the oppressive weight wants us to be. Flat out, pinned to the floor. Overwhelm robs us of our power by robbing us of our mobility. We cannot move forward. We are held in place by the oppressive weight on our back. And so, we despair. Despair can be paralytic. Despair says “I don’t know WHAT to do here, so I shall do nothing.” That despair robs us of our power, too.
“Overwhelm robs us of our power by robbing us of our mobility.” Many women experience this cycle of overwhelm, despair, and paralysis. As a speaker, coach, and passionate believer in selfactualization, in these moments, I am moved to remind us of who we are, and what we’re capable of when we recognize our own power. We are not here to be crushed under the weight of our own overwhelm, or by the despair we may feel when we look at the world. To address this, it’s useful to consider a new lens through which we can view our circumstances. That lens comprises the comparative concepts of CONTROL vs. INFLUENCE vs. ACCEPTANCE.
CONTROL Experience has taught me time and time again that I control so much less than I used to believe that I could. Here’s a short list of things I thought at one time or another that I could control, at least in part: What people thought of me How smart, or capable, or worthy people thought I was Whether my social group would accept me How my partner in life might act, think or feel How my career would unfold, and on what timeline How my children would develop and whom they would become How my body would respond to different food regimes, exercise, and various treatments that were intended to control it The list goes on and on and on. The reality is that, while there are some things that we can control, there are far more that we cannot.
CONTROL >> INFLUENCE >> ACCEPT THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 34
SEP-NOV 2022
INFLUENCE If you cannot control the thing, I ask you, can you influence it? My observation personally and professionally is that we think we can control so many more things than we can, and we wildly underestimate the amount of influence that we do have. I cannot control the world’s economies. I cannot control the world’s systemic injustices. I cannot control what happens in the media, what comes out of other people’s mouths, or how my now-adult children operate in this world. Nope... but where do I have INFLUENCE? And, what can I do with that influence? I cannot change other people, but I can lead by example. I can speak up. I can use my money a certain way. I can read a thing, I can teach a thing, I can start a conversation, I can end a conversation. I can examine my influence in my own home what about my neighborhood, my community, my country, the world? News flash - if you’re alive, you’re an influencer. Can you write, can you speak, can you create something that matters to you? Do you have a passion that you can pursue? Because if you have that passion, my friend, that is where you will have influence.
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Where do you have influence? Where is your influence needed?
SEP-NOV 2022
ACCEPTANCE Ok, you say. I know there are some things I cannot control, but I do in fact have influence. But sometimes life comes at you hard, and not only do you not have one iota of control, but truly you have no influence. Let’s call these circumstances "hurricanes." A hurricane is a force well beyond your control. It is happening around you and to you. It is from somewhere else, it will stay as long as it likes, it will do what it wants to do. This might be a) an actual hurricane, or perhaps, b) an illness, a world event, an injustice, or a condition of human existence. Maybe it’s a rejection or a closed door of some kind. Or maybe it's in human form.… disloyalty, a death, a divorce that you didn’t see coming. Maybe it’s a job crisis or - who knows - a worldwide pandemic with universal economic implications. There are a multitude of hurricanes in our lives, and we would be hard-pressed to contain them, much less control them. So that’s it then? If I can’t control it, I can’t influence it, I must ACCEPT it. I must adapt. This isn’t great news if that’s where it was to end. That powerlessness carries us back to overwhelm, and back to anxiety, despair, sadness ...whatever feeling you tend to feel when you lose your power.
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When you open your eyes to your own power, you can truly dismantle the overwhelm, you can break it up, take it apart, and handle it. But here is the powerful truth: Your sphere of influence is so much greater when you realize the power that you do have, regardless of circumstance. When you have to adapt to something beyond your control or influence, how you adapt is your power. What does that mean? It means that even in the face of circumstances you cannot control, nor influence, you can determine HOW you will accept and adapt.
SEP-NOV 2022
“Success in almost any endeavor is made possible not by the circumstances, but by malleable factors, we can actually change with effort and intention.” *by Brendon Burchard, High Performance Habits
INFLUENCE
Whatever it may be:
Consider these few examples of your influence right in the eye of the storm, as inspired by Burchard’s “High-Performance Habits.” You get to choose:
Where do you have control? Where do you have influence? Where must you accept and adapt?
1. The mindset you choose to adopt 2. The language you use with others and yourself 3. The amount you focus on any single thing 4. The way in which you strive for your goals 5. The way you take care of your physical body 6. How and how much do you demonstrate resilience 7. The way you treat others 8. How open or closed you choose to be - your heart, your eyes, your mind
I want to remind you of your great power no matter what your particular hurricane is right now. The next time those feelings of overwhelm creep in, try taking a step back, get curious, and consider:
What is that thing that is creating overwhelm for you right now?
Where do lack control, but you have more influence than you realized? Where is your influence needed? What can you do with that influence? Where are you trying to control, but you need to accept and adapt? Inside of that accepting/adapting, over what factors do you have influence?
Is it money? Your career? A relationship? a disordered relationship with your own body? A diagnosis? Is it an environment of tension or hurt or resentment? Is it injustice or unfairness?
Even in the most challenging of times, in almost any context, your sphere of influence is so much greater than the despair of overwhelm would have you believe.
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dream
BIG
Elizabeth Lucas-Averett is Managing Partner of The Trivista Group, a strategic communications consulting firm that she co-founded in 2003, a professional speaker, host of the On Air with Ella podcast, and a founding member of CHIEF Washington D.C. https://www.linkedin.com/in/lucas-averett/ @onairwithella
IF YOU'RE
Too Comfortable, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.
Terrified OF WHAT'S NEXT? YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK. -Susan Fales Hill
FINDING PURPOSE IN EMPTINESS By Tammy S. Drost
"Women aren't born strong. Strength is born from the challenges, pain, and trauma they overcome." — Tammy S. Drost They say strong women raise strong women. While I had supportive women in my life, it was the men in my life who made me strong. The neighborhood boys treated me like one of their own and taught me that I had no limits and to stand up for myself. My uncles taught me to laugh and not take myself too seriously. My grandfather, a Navy veteran, showed me how to suck it up, dry my tears, pick myself up by the bootstraps and carry on.
I was a designer, design manager, creative director, brand strategist, national brand strategy leader, head of marketing operations, and eventually a business owner. Throughout my career, it was the men who coached and mentored me and opened the doors to opportunities, resources, support, and the tools necessary to achieve my career goals.
The men in my life showed me that I could be anything I wanted to be if I was willing to put in the time and effort. My only roadblocks were the ones I put there out of fear or because I wasn’t ready to find a solution to a challenge I faced.
Ironically, the women were cut-throat regardless of the work environment or industry. They openly sabotaged one another, stole other women's ideas, presented them as their own, and held one another back. The backstabbing and jealousy were rampant.
When I decided to return to school in my 20s, my husband pitched in more than his fair share with our boys, offered support, and cheered me on as I became the first in my family to achieve a bachelor's degree.
My experience made me more determined to succeed. It pushed me to commit to creating a business dedicated to equipping female entrepreneurs with the education, resources, tools, and support they need to be successful.
My education propelled me into a 20+ year career working in an agency, corporate, and non-profit environment. 40 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
"Sometimes it's OK if the only thing you did today was breathe." — Yumi Sakugawa
In August 2019, The Business360 Method® was born with a mission to equip female entrepreneurs with a 360 approach to business that allows them to lead from strategy and scale their business while living their best life. Two months later, my business came to a screeching halt. In the early morning of October 2, 2019, I lost my son, Alex, to suicide due to severe clinical depression. He hung himself about two weeks before he was to turn 26. My world as I knew it ended that day. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t figure out how to suck it up, pull myself up by the bootstraps and carry on. The emptiness I felt, the heartache, was like nothing I had ever experienced. I wanted to die with my son. The loss of a child is something only those who lived it can truly understand. It brought me to my knees. I couldn't imagine my life without my child—a beautiful young man who had barely begun to live. Having your child go before you isn't how the circle of life is supposed to work. While I had a lot of support from family and friends, the first person who truly understood and offered support in a way that others couldn’t be a male friend who had lost two sons in less than five years. I remember asking him how I was going to survive this. "You survive one step, one breath at a time,” he said. “Make no apologies for your grief. It's your journey, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. " 41 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
You will have good days, bad days, and everything in between, and you need to let it happen. It's part of the process." I planned my son's funeral, wrote his obituary, designed his headstone, cleaned out his apartment, moved his belongings into storage, set up a memorial scholarship in his name, and faced the many things a mother should never have to face. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I went from being a confident, decisive entrepreneur to secondguessing every choice I made, wondering if my choices were what my son would have wanted. All those years of corporate training and being a mother allowed me to put on my game face, force a smile and pretend I was OK. While the people around me said I was the strongest woman they knew, I felt like a fraud. Inside, I was shattered and broken. The emptiness and lack of purpose consumed me. I would never be the same—that woman was gone. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and before I knew it, a year had gone by. I had no focus, no purpose, and my business was the last thing on my mind. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't believe that. I think that to survive profound trauma and tragedy, the woman who ultimately emerges from the ashes becomes a profoundly different woman than before the life-changing event.
SEP-NOV 2022
I went back to what my grandfather always told me: "No one can do it but YOU. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on." But how do I find purpose when the emptiness and pain run so deep? How do I navigate something that caused so much trauma? Little by little, I learned to: Surviving the death and loss of my child by dedicating myself to living. Validate my feelings. I didn’t need to pretend I was OK, hide my pain, put on my game face, or suck it up and smile. It was OK not to be OK. Accept that happiness is a survival tool. Laugh amid tears, smile at someone or something. To survive grief, you must step away from it occasionally. Experience my grief in only the way I could. If that meant I needed to cry, scream, get angry, feel fear, have an anxiety attack, or shut the world out, I needed to let it happen. Take care of myself. That meant going to the gym, practicing yoga, kayaking, walking through the woods, and just being alone with my thoughts. Break down the future into small increments. Whether it’s an hour, a day, or a week, focus on one task at a time. When you’re focused and in the moment, grief becomes more bearable. Embrace the silence. When you close your eyes and listen, it can bring clarity, peace, and a vision for the future. Stop apologizing for having a bad day. Grief comes in waves and has a way of hitting you when you least expect it. 42 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
Ask for help when you need it, and let people know the best way they can support you. They don’t know unless you tell them. Honor my son’s memory in a meaningful way that he would have approved of. For me, this means a scholarship in his name, staying close to his friends, making him part of the holidays and celebrations, celebrating his birthday with family, and more. As hard or impossible as it seems, you can survive trauma and tragedy, though the experience will change you. Through my grief journey, I realized that life is too short to spend pursuing things I’m not passionate about. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, so I plan to live the life I deserve now.
And, along the way, I’ve come to see what others saw all along. I was strong—stronger than I could have possibly imagined.
Tammy is the Founder and CEO of Drost Enterprises LLC, and The Business360 Method, a trademarked business methodology designed to help female entrepreneurs burnt out by operational and administrative inefficiencies create strategic, streamlined, integrated business processes to scale their business successfully. @thebusiness360method https://tammydrost.com/
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 43
SEP-NOV 2022
MINDSET SHIFT: NOT ALL PAIN IS BAD What sets your soul on fire? By Aalia Lanius
I have an interesting relationship with pain—I’m always in it, and to many people’s surprise when they meet me, I represent living with chronic illness and pain. I also represent someone not allowing those challenges to impede the audacious goals that I am not only capable of doing, but meant to accomplish. In a world where it is difficult to get out of bed, motivation is pain management for the person who understands that though it “hurts to live”—it hurts more to not live a life where we’re fulfilling our purpose. Personally, I have a list of active issues that include Sjogren’s Syndrome, an autoimmune disease that attacks the moisture in my body, Rheumatoid Arthritis, another autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, and one that’s a mouthful, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome—a condition described as “feeling like you’re living with heart failure” even though you’re not. I can attest to this accurate description.
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In no order, throughout the day I’m many things, including a mother to 4 (ages 25-5), grandmother, wife, producer, writer, planner, chauffer, laundry maid, talk show host, businesswoman, and founder of UNSUGARCOATED Media, 501c3 media enterprise. From the moment my eyes open, there is something to do. Also, alarmingly present when they open—pain. Daily, I move and breathe in such a way that eases my discomfort and I have a plethora of lifestyle habits that I’ve adopted which allows me to manage life and projects. This includes working hard, knowing my limits and mitigation. On the list: eating foods that aid my body, yoga, meditation, and much more, but in my experience, the key to unlocking our abilities is our mindset. A perfect example, as I’m writing this piece, I can feel pain in my fingers as I hit the keys on my laptop, yet I’m enjoying this moment and all that it brings. I’ll share three mindset upgrades that gave me the upper hand on pain.
“I’m the captain of this ship.” While pain in the body is a beacon, an indicator, our brain is Mission Control Center. Your “Houston”, and every cell in your body is on a mission. We, whether we realize it or not, are issuing commands and responses. While many of those become automated, we still have influence over the messages our bodies receive and reinforce. In 2013, my adopted sister nearly died from a traumatic brain injury. Watching her journey from a coma, through the following year was nothing less than incredible and it reinforced my belief that when it comes to the brain, we often fail to understand our own power. Over the course of time, my sister had to rebuild the pathways in her brain that allowed her body to move, speak, and even smile. I recall at one point, after she was finally able to come home, her right wrist would still bend awkwardly, pointing towards her body. She explained that part of her therapy was to sit and mentally tell her hand to straighten. In observing her, there was no denying—we are the captains of our ships, and our body listens to us. A critical part of my lifestyle is actively spending time with my body. It is healthy to acknowledge the pain that it’s feeling, but we can command the body to self-heal. An exercise I do involves visualization. In my mind’s eye, I’ll focus on how I want to see myself. I have found that I’m living the way I “see” myself, because it is true, our thoughts shape our reality. What thoughts are shaping your life?
“I am not a burden.” People with illness or pain experience an overwhelming sense of guilt and frustration, often further inhibiting their activity. I’ve overcome the guilt of not being the perfect wife, mother, or business owner. I can’t undo the health challenges or the way it shows up in my life, but I can and do ask people in my world to be patient and I show appreciation for the support I receive. Good health is something many people take for granted and while I’m aware I got an early preview of what many people will come to experience eventually, I’m not going to feel guilty for issues beyond my control. If anything, I’ve learned that any extraordinary capability comes from a flaw and those of us that find ourselves challenged in one area, tend to excel in others. THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 45
That is how I know I’m not a burden because I refuse to give up and I highly encourage others to recognize all the other ways you bring value to your life, your family, and your community.
“Not all pain is bad pain.” Years ago, I had a client that owned a physical rehab center and explained re-conditioning therapy for patients who had suffered workrelated injuries. Physical reconditioning is an individualized treatment program designed in order to allow an individual to return and possibly exceed their original level of strength, endurance, power, mobility, and physical activity in general. In order to build up strength, you need resistance. I learned that the program requires the patient to be uncomfortable for a short period. Does it hurt? Yes, but it wasn’t a pain that meant something was wrong, and it was an important lesson in understanding, not all pain is bad. In fact, feeling pain can be part of the process of becoming stronger again.
In closing, though I’m speaking to physical pain, I feel the same about emotional pain, or anything that is holding you back. Find what sets your soul on fire and stop extinguishing your own flame. You can shine the way you’re intended and remember that you’re either chasing your dream or resisting it—the choice will always be yours.
Each of these mental shifts is part of an overall desire to master your mind, body, and spirit. If you’re not interested in having pain in your body hold you back, these are some of the keys. I’m aware it’s not easy, but I’m going to ask you to dig down deep into your soul and pull out the part that makes you so hungry for what you seek, that you’ll stop allowing pain to prevent you from doing what it is you feel you are meant to do in life. THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 46
Aalia Lanius is an International MultipleAward Winning Novelist, Executive Producer, Publisher, and host "UNSUGARCOATED with Aalia." She creates social impact through storytelling while building community, providing education, and ending isolation for trauma survivors. Aalia's role extends to leadership as a creative, and she is considered a thought-leader in approaches to media, believing that artists are pioneers of the human mind with great potential and responsibility to positively influence society through proper representation and accountability.
https://unsugarcoatedmedia.com/ @aalia_unsugarcoated
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WANTING MORE
FOR YOUR FUTURE IS NOT A BETRAYAL OF YOUR PAST - DANIELLE LAPORTE
SEP-NOV 2022
6 STEPS FOR USING EMOTIONAL PAIN AS A CATALYST FOR TRANSFORMATION Connie P. Milligan, LCSW
E
motional pain is a common experience, yet how you respond to it is what separates those who move ahead with their life and those who don’t. As a therapist and life coach, I have seen a wide range of responses to emotional pain and love supporting people who are willing to use it as a catalyst for often stunning and dramatic transformation in their lives. At some point, strong emotional reactions will surface in response to situations you find yourself in. Notice your anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, hurt, and depression. You may find It in a work setting that involves conflict with co-workers or the values underlying a project you are doing. It may surface in personal relationships with loved ones and friends that make you realize something is very wrong. It may be anxiety over taking the next big step or depression because you feel stuck. It’s important to notice these reactions, they tell you something significant.
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“THE HARDEST PART IS ALLOWING YOURSELF TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN AND CLEARLY UNDERSTAND IT."
How you respond to the signals that your emotional pain is giving you makes the difference between those who get plowed under by the emotion and those who move ahead. Let me share 6 steps you can take to lift yourself from pain to transformation. You will see that your emotional pain can be a gift to initiate change. Stay With The Pain Long Enough To Understand It The hardest part is allowing yourself to experience the pain and clearly understand it. I don’t say this lightly. Our limbic system is designed to fight, flee or freeze when exposed to trauma or situations that produce strong emotional reactions and many people get stuck in these responses with repeated exposure for decades, without recognizing what is happening. Turn inward and ask yourself where your pain is coming from. Your body is telling you something important - you are reacting to something that is incorrect for you. Get honest and clear with yourself about what it is and understand the why of your own reactions. Ask yourself, what is really wrong in the situation? Recognize The Pattern and Life Lesson Involved Often people repeat patterns of emotional reactivity and dysfunction that are multigenerational. Like mother, like daughter can perpetuate bad relationships, similar traumas, lack of confidence, and poor choices that have negative outcomes.
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Step back and look at what may be a pattern in your life and might be one that has gone on for many generations. This becomes a life lesson that you need to learn. Are you ready to recognize it? Common patterns of life lessons that many people face are things like feeling lonely vs. loved, fear vs. confidence, depression vs. joy, struggle vs. flow, poor vs. abundant, resentment vs. acceptance, and anger vs. calm. Notice what yours are and recognize that this is something you can change. The sooner you recognize your life lesson, and do something to correct it, the sooner you will release the pain and embrace the life you want. Get excited about that possibility! Notice What You Long For Everything exists on a polarity between positive and negative. Notice what is on the opposite end of the negative emotional pain you have. If you feel criticized and beaten down, don’t you long for acceptance and appreciation? If you are anxious and afraid of the next steps, don’t you long for confidence and support? The negative feelings help you define and clarify what you actually want and need. Many people try to change their feelings, or the situation causing it and have trouble moving out of it. This can go on for years. I know, having done this myself in work settings and in love. Facing yourself and knowing you have done all you can do and it’s time to move on is essential. It is what changed my life dramatically for the better. It will work for you too!
Focus On The Better Vision For Yourself Once you have a clear idea of what you are seeking, you can begin creating a vision of the better feelings and situations that you seek. The more detail you have about the positive vision for yourself the better; you are creating a template for the changes you make. When it is something you genuinely want, you will easily fill yourself with the positive feelings that you anticipate experiencing. Those positive anticipatory feelings are the fuel that makes the Law of Attraction work. Understand, that when you are an emotional and energetic reflection of what you seek, you will be able to find it easily. When doubt and conflicting thoughts hamper your vision for yourself, you are negating it as an option. Stay clear and focused on what you desire with positive anticipation, and you will be on the path to change.
Move Toward The Solution With a clear vision and support, you will be able to move toward the solution you seek. Consider all the things involved and break it into small steps that are not so overwhelming. The new job, business, relationship change, move, education, training, or lifestyle revamp you want will start to come to you. Remember the negative emotions that start the change process are your signal that something is very wrong. View them as a gift from inside that is prompting you to claim your better self, your greater good. Your emotional pain is the catalyst for transformation and taking these 6 steps means happiness is right around the corner.
Find Support To make any big or small change happen, it helps to have support. Because you are stepping out of a negatively charged emotional situation, you need to have people around you who believe in the better vision you have for yourself. It is not uncommon to look around and realize that there are a lot of people immersed in negativity just like you. Consider who will support the new vision for yourself and recognize when you need to move out of your current friendship patterns to find them. Finding guidance from a therapist or coach is always a good idea - an outside professional perspective helps you to see yourself more clearly and more positively.
https://spectrumtransformation.com/ @spectrum_transformation
51 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
PAIN: IS IT WHAT KEEPS US MOVING? By Claudia Pereira Delgado
We open Instagram or go to a book shop, and the storyline is mostly the same: "be positive and optimistic. Find that hope inside yourself." We try to avoid our most depressive friends or colleagues, and the USA has the highest number of people addicted to antidepressants ever. Meanwhile, our planet is burning, and there is a rise in projects trying to solve it and change the way we have been creating. I think about the anatomy of an atom, the fundamental element of the universe, and our very own selves; it is its dichotomy - the fact that it has a positive and negative side- that creates the action that makes the universe. And I wonder - as guardians of the planet, creators, and business people, what should be our relationship with pain?
Sometimes straightforward, sometimes disguised as another feeling, pain can take many forms and seems to be part of the inception of all the greatest achievements and projects even when the creator is unaware of it (as we mostly try to avoid it). Can pain be the prescription we all need to endure to have a healthier relationship with ourselves, others, and the planet? I believe so. A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with a friend and very successful cinematographer who had just arrived back from Venezuela, where he was filming for several weeks the police power abuse and the fate of those who are abandoned as children in extreme poverty. In a mist of worrisome and curiosity, I ask him how he has been dealing with the experience and agony he has felt from the people.
If I look back at the journey (mine and the others), pain is indeed one of the main ingredients for action, responsibility and commitment. 52 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
He tells me the key is to go through your emotions and assess why you accept to start a job or a project in the first place. What has triggered you? Which pain have you felt that makes you want to solve a problem, write that story, or take part in a solution? The best projects I have encountered start with a good story, not a business plan, and that story mostly starts with the pain the founder(s) felt at some point in their lives. Taking my filmmaker friend's example, the pain he felt from power abuse and injustices when he was younger made him want to go to Venezuela and tell the story of those who were now feeling power abuse. Just like the highest voices of indigenous activism have come from the pain of being displaced, the appearance of a new environmental disease, or the decline of vital resources that they consider sacred. We all want happy and healthy lives, but it is from our deepest sorrows that we find the cure needed to achieve it. The type of pain we feel in these situations is what I like to call rage pain - a pain that is so ingrained in ourselves, so hurtful, and so unfair that finding a way to cure it comes, consciously or unconsciously, to us as a survival mechanism. It is the ignitor of our more intrinsic motivations. And in this way, such pain can also be dangerous (or a trap to victimization or numbness) if not mixed with other crucial ingredients: hope and a deep belief in ourselves and others.
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Just like the atom also needs the other side of the pole to move, the same happens with different types of action. When we are aware of our pain, we are able to feel empathy with others, the planet, and also their wounds; it is hope, though, that makes us believe there is another way of feeling. Plus, a deep belief in oneself gives us the courage and voice needed to achieve our dream reality or fight for the cause we are committed to. The deep belief in others makes us believe that our paths are intercrossed and that someone will continue to move the cause wherever our course has ended. This last paragraph makes me think of another type of pain, which is not rage pain but growth pain. Growth pain is often difficult to identify, and, in my own experience, it is often confused with fear (which is indeed a component of it). Through my endeavours as a young entrepreneur woman with a sole team of women, this pain has taken many forms, whether it was to grow my voice, learn to say "no" or just surpass other internal limitations about ourselves. In other words, the acceptance of our growth pain is the acceptance of our evolution, personal growth, and the acceptance of our value. The further we go on our journey to create a better world, the higher the stakes.
Accepting pain can teach us a lot about how to create for the planet and acknowledge mother Earth and the pain of other fellow beings - such as trees, birds, hills, or rivers. The acknowledgment of pain makes us more open and attentive. To deeply connect and be responsible for the planet means seeing its beauty and the wounds and feeling them as our own. In a world where it is easy to forget that humans are nature, pain is an excellent reminder of it and a crucial part of our human experience. Our humane experience is a manifestation of nature itself. So, if we want to heal the planet, it is time to act like nature, which means the acceptance of our own nature and pain. To leave the state of creating and collaborating from numbness is still so much influenced by Decartes' mentality that we are machines that should produce without feeling, without the responsibility we have with ourselves, the others, and the world, without pain, hope or joy. Last week, during a meeting where I felt patriarchy happening through a colleague neglecting my time to speak and interrupting me, I felt pain. A pain that brought me empathy for the many women who reported me the same, which made me see my pain as a societal pain. Then I thought of Mother Earth and how she also feels this pain of not being listened to. Thus, pain can bring us many moments of clarity, connectedness and deep action when accepted.
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After the same meeting, one of my BAP colleagues sat beside me, asking me why I was feeling so down. On a second question, when she asked me how I felt about the episode, she replied, "Pain is a feeling I shouldn't be experiencing." That was the exact moment where I felt like coming back to myself again. We should feel it all. On Mondays, we start the day with a gratitude session in which everyone needs to say what they are grateful about the week before. Now, we have another question: which pains have you felt last week?
Cláudia is founder and strategist of BE A PEACH, a creative agency focused on using creativity for good. She studied Business, Marketing, and Art Direction in Lisbon and London before moving to Asia where she immersed herself into different social and environmental projects and initiatives. In 2017, Cláudia founded BE A PEACH and has been working with planetcentric projects from all over the world with a team of multitalented creatives who want to use their creative skills for positive impact. https://www.linkedin.com/in/claudiapdelgado/ https://beapeach.co/
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EMPOWERMENT
EXPERT
HOW TO AVOID PAINFUL PITFALLS IN THE ADOPTION PROCESS
STORIES
201. That’s approximately how many adoptions matching panel meetings I have been involved with in the last five years while working as an independent social worker. In the UK, a panel meeting is part of the final process of being approved to become an adoptive parent. by Ade Larigo
One of the questions I love to ask adoption applicants during these meetings is why they want to become a parent to this particular child or children. One adoptive couple shared that they fell in love with their son the moment they saw his photograph. Even without any other information, they knew they wanted to spend the rest of their lives loving him. In our meeting, they referred to him as “our child,” and the adoptive dad placed both hands toward his heart, unconsciously demonstrating that he already had a heart connection with little Z (not his real name). Everyone has their own story in the journey of adoption and being able to ask, “Why this child?” gives me an opportunity to experience part of their story. I hope to be part of your story by offering you these tips to help prevent some of the pains on your adoption journey.
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5 tips for your adoption journey 1. Understand Your Why It's important to be clear why you want to adopt. Really explore within yourself and, if you are a couple, with your partner. Allow yourself time to consider how you feel about adoption and why you are choosing to grow your family through this route. One family I read about had been through 4 miscarriages and two stillbirths before they decided to explore adoption, but this is not everyone’s story. For example, in conversation with one single adopter, she shared that she always knew from a young age that she would one day become a parent through adoption
Whatever the circumstance, it is important to be clear about your personal motivation. It is also important to understand your partner’s motivation if you are in a relationship situation, as this helps to avoid any misunderstanding and encourages you to both become more aligned in your preparation and thinking. The adoption process can be long and complex, and having clarity helps you stay motivated in difficult situations. 2. Do Your Own Research There are so many different routes to adoption. The research will help you determine which route is the best fit for you. Some of the families I met in 2020 whilst working on an adoption awareness project shared that they were considering going through a local adoption agency because they had heard that it was better to adopt from their own community. This couple had done some research and discovered information about long wait times and low adoption rates for children in their community. “The #YouCanAdopt campaign revealed that 21% of children who wait for the longest to be adopted are from Black and ethnic minority groups.” Additionally, according to UK government statistics on adoption, as of 31 March 2020, only 2% of Black children within the care system in England had been adopted.
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When it comes to doing initial research, I say Google is your friend. Find out as much information as possible online about adoption agencies both locally, nationally, and internationally. In the UK, the adoption agencies do not charge adoption applicants fees for any part of the process. Most adopters would not qualify for any allowances besides basic adoption. However, as of June 2021, the Intercountry Adoption Centre stated that the cost of adoption ranges from £12,000 - £25,000, not including travel costs. To avoid frustrations, bear in mind that intercountry adoption is likely to involve additional complexity due to extra safeguarding checks, immigration regulations, and additional administration processes–which may all prolong the process as well.
It is very important to attend as many online/in-person adoption information events as possible to gain opportunities for asking questions. When I host such events, I encourage attendees to ask questions even if they think their question is silly. I often get questions like: “How old do I need to be to adopt?” “Do I need to own my own home?” and “Can my adoptive child share a bedroom with my birth child?” I do my best to provide helpful answers, but I also encourage adoptive parents to do more research about the regulations of the country they are adopting from. 3. Be Open to New Things It’s helpful to keep an open mind about the process and the child/children you are going to be sharing your life with. Until you finally bring your child home, the plan can be changeable. Unfortunately, delays can occur and, frankly speaking, they often do. In the UK, the legal processes can become much longer than planned, particularly if the birth family contests their child’s care plan. Birth families deserve a fair hearing and the opportunity to show evidence that they can provide long-term care for their own child/children. Some adopters have shared with me that they initially considered adopting one child but started to consider more children as they went through the process. In a recent matching meeting, a couple explained how they embarked on their journey to adopt one child, but they were eventually matched with twins.
Choosing to adopt more than one child can come from considering a child’s siblings, heritage, age, and/or faith (especially if their birth family expresses a wish for their faith to be maintained postadoption). It’s important to stay open to new possibilities and maintain openness. It is also important to keep your mindset in check and be aware of your own biases. When going through a personal experience like adoption, we may discover new things about ourselves. We all hold certain biases about others, even if we don’t realize they are in us. 4. Commit to Ongoing Learning Bringing up children requires some level of going back to the classroom. Your adoption agency may require you to demonstrate a willingness to commit to ongoing learning and take more responsibility for your own selfdevelopment. As you prepare for growing your family, there are going to be a lot of things to learn and unlearn. Therefore, it is a good idea to get into the practice of learning more about parenting. It may also be important to undertake training on topics such as therapeutic parenting, attachment theory, and the impact of neglect and trauma. One thing that is certain is that if they continue to succeed, adopters could form lifelong friendships and much-needed communities with others on the same journey. THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 58
Learning can happen in lots of ways, including formal training, listening to podcasts and audiobooks, reading materials on parenting in general, and reading materials on parenting using therapeutic methods. It is likely that your adopted child/children will have been through a lot already in their young lives. They may well need extra support from you as their parent, and they may need additional professional therapeutic support to ensure all their emotional and physical needs continue to be met. It is important that you are as prepared as you can be to give yourself and the child/children the greatest opportunity to keep developing a strong bond and connection. Learning does not stop when the adoption has been finalized: remember to continue the learning process on your own and with your adopted child/children throughout your life together. 5. Find or Build a Support Network I simply cannot stress this point enough: it is vital that you have good support around you. This applies to anyone who is going through adoption, regardless of the age of the child/children.
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Before you commit to adopting, it is worth speaking to your family and friends to explore if they buy into your adoption journey. Will they be willing to support you from the beginning of your journey and even after you bring your child home? Have conversations with family and friends and nominate the right people who are willing to step in and be your backup if things become difficult or overwhelming, especially in the early days. However, keep in mind that it may not be appropriate for them to provide lots of direct care to your child in the early days as you're trying to bond with the child. Think of other ways they might be able to help. Practical support like cooking meals, cleaning, making supermarket trips, and running other types of errands, particularly in those early days, can be very valuable. Parenting can be a lonely journey if you don't have the right support. It is important to have people who can encourage you and provide you with emotional and moral support throughout your adoption journey. In the UK, there are currently one or two new services that adopters can join through paid memberships. These services provide ongoing support to adopters for as long as they need the support. These services are new initiatives and very innovative, so it is early to state their long-term benefit to adoptive families.
Having a community that relates to your journey is invaluable. One adopter, who had her son (now 13) placed with her as a toddler, shared that gaining support from her adoption agency has been one of the biggest struggles on her adoption journey. In the past, agencies have not always provided ongoing support to families once the adoption has been finalized. Sources of statistics https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/blog/benefits-entitlements/how-much-does-it-cost-to-adopt-a-childand-what-benefits-am-i-entitled-to https://www.ethnicity-facts-figures.service.gov.uk/health/social-care/adopted-and-looked-afterchildren/latest https://www.coram.org.uk/news/black-children-wait-longer-adoption-any-other-ethnic-group
Ade Larigo is the founder and CEO of Agency Connection, helping adoption & fostering agencies to recruit high-caliber individuals for their panels https://www.agencyconnection.co.uk/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/adelarigo/
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FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS The Pain & Reward of Entrepreneurship by Michelle J Raymond
In an instant, it became harder to breathe. The tears started to roll down my cheeks. My mind tried to fathom what had just happened. Was I missing something? The call I had just answered from my customer made no sense. The questions I asked and the answers I received just didn’t add up. About to drive into my driveway after a long day at the office, I stopped to answer a quick call from our most important client. Having spoken to them only a few hours earlier I thought it would be a quick call.
by Michelle J Raymond
Dazed and confused, I quit that same night and never went back. I hardly slept that night as my mind raced to think of all the consequences of that broken contract. As I woke anger also started to set in. My day normally filled with the hustle that comes with managing a busy team was replaced with silence. No phone ringing, no staff questions, no email notifications. Just my own thoughts to keep me company. What next?
Instead, I would learn that the owner of the business I worked for had reneged on a $2M deal I had negotiated with the client. Worse still, they had gone behind my back, lied, and to add further insult to injury, had blamed me for it all. I pictured my career in the industry as over. My name and reputation would be tarnished beyond repair. In my mind, no one would hire me ever again. It crushed me like someone was sitting on my chest and it was hard to breathe.
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At that moment, I decided that I would never work for anyone else again. It sounds gallant. I was fortunate to have a supportive partner who told me to back myself. We decided if I was to do in my own business what I had done for the businesses I had worked for, then no doubt it would be a success. However, until that moment I had no plans to be an entrepreneur.
It was never something that I considered an option before that. With every confidence in my ability, I just needed to work out what the business would do exactly. Sounded easy enough. Except it wasn’t. As word spread through the industry of my availability, I received all kinds of offers to work together. It seemed everyone had a different idea of what that would look like. It was great for my battered ego. A confidence boost was exactly what I needed. Except all the ideas pulled me in a different direction. None of which resonated or inspired me to commit. The excitement of having my own business was quickly replaced with crippling self-doubt. The pressure I put on myself to find the perfect idea, seemed to make all the potential ideas disappear. This turned into me doing nothing and I mean nothing. The cold winter days, COVID lockdown, and being an extrovert with limited human contact was a recipe for disaster.
Giving myself permission to explore the other options had released an internal pressure valve. Once again, becoming a business owner was back on the table. During this time, the one constant that had been a part of my world was LinkedIn. In my previous roles, I built a world-class niche community related to my industry. The world was now in the grip of COVID19 and lockdown had become the norm in Australia. I watched as industry events were cancelled. Trade shows too. No travel. No customer site visits. I noticed former competitors had turned to LinkedIn as a tool to reach existing and potential clients online. With time on my hands and always a desire to help others, I reached out to one with some LinkedIn advice, “If you try X, Y, and Z it will help your content reach more people”. Her reply thankfully “Where did you learn all this LinkedIn stuff? I wish I could learn from you.” The lightbulb went off. That was it!
I gave up and announced, “I’m going to look for a job.” The attention of a head hunter seemed like a much easier option. The interview went great, and I was told to expect an offer. Except, it didn’t come. I was ghosted. In hindsight, this was a blessing.
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I could write tailored training to help other companies in the industry build brand awareness with content on LinkedIn. I had my business idea.
Full of enthusiasm off I went and wrote the first-of-its-kind LinkedIn Masterclass for the industry. I reached back out to let the person know and to find out if they were interested. Unfortunately, they had other plans. My 20+ years of selling experience kicked in. No didn’t mean anything. It was time to ask someone else. The next business owner also said no to training. But they were a big yes to me doing it for them. I approached another business owner, and they said the same thing. And the next. After some research, I discovered that LinkedIn Company Pages was the perfect way to do this. I had confirmation of my business idea.
But while I had the backing of these clients, my own confidence in the idea wouldn’t come until much later. I was scared that I would become another statistic of businesses that fail in the first year. I kept the back door open to my old industry “just in case” I needed a job. I recall reading the quote “burn the boats to take the island.” It struck a nerve. That was exactly what I needed to do. If I wanted my business to be a success, I would need to go all in. I would need to back myself in my own business as much as I had always supported businesses as an employee. It was liberating.
I must admit I had never even considered that it was a real job that people would pay me for. It makes me laugh now when I think back.
Fast forward to today and I’m extremely proud of the business I have built. I am acknowledged by my peers and the LinkedIn Pages team themselves as the international go-to LinkedIn Company Page expert. My clients have come from sixteen different countries. I am the coauthor of the world’s first book on LinkedIn Pages and my business is thriving.
I’m proud of finding my way past the days I could not see the path forward. 63 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
No matter where or how your entrepreneur journey starts – the answer is always back yourself. Trust your instincts and build a community of supporters to get you through the days you will wonder if it’s all worth it. Just so you know - it is.
5 tips on to start your own company
1. CLEARLY DEFINE YOUR PERSONAL AND 2. COMPANY BRAND. BUILD A COMMUNITY AROUND YOU. YOU 3. WILL NEED IT. BE PREPARED FOR AN EMOTIONAL 4. ROLLERCOASTER. IT’S A MARATHON NOT A SPRINT. SELF-CARE 5. IS CRITICAL TO SUCCESS. ENGAGE EXPERTS. IT SAVES TIME AND MONEY.
5 reasons why you should start your own company
1. YOU CAN BRING YOUR VISION TO LIFE. GAIN CONFIDENCE FROM BACKING 2. YOURSELF. STOP BEING THE SQUARE PEG IN THE 3. ROUND HOLE CALLED “EMPLOYEE”. 4. DEVELOP NEW SKILLS DISCOVER PRIDE AND FULFILMENT 5. 64 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
Michelle J Raymond is a B2B LinkedIn Strategist, international LinkedIn Pages expert and bestselling author. She founded Good Trading Co, to share her expert knowledge in social selling, content marketing, employee advocacy and B2B community building techniques. She designs and delivers tailor made strategies and training programs to help businesses generate brand awareness and attract opportunities using LinkedIn. https://goodtradingco.com.au/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/michelle-raymondgoodtradingco/
ENTREPRENEURSHIP
INTERVIEW
I CHOOSE MY PAIN AN INTERVIEW WITH DESIGNER & ENTREPRENEUR, ZOE MELISSA MAE. BY ELLA LUCAS-AVERETT How did your journey with body art begin? I knew I wanted tattoos very early on! At age 15, I focused my final studies on the works of British tattoo artists, and I was utterly inspired. I knew then that I loved artwork, and I wanted it on my body. I LOVED ARTWORK AND I WANTED IT ON MY BODY What inspired your first tattoo? I got my first tattoo at age 18 in the standard Western tradition. Think “classic sailor tattoo.” Very one dimensional, simple and in primary colors. I regret it. Truth be told, I regret most of the tattoos that I got between the ages of 18 - 21 years. They simply don’t represent me any more. What inspires you now? I am inspired by other cultures and traditions, as well as by looking for new ways to express myself and my artistry. From tribal tattoos to Japanese-style tattoos and many more, tattoos have a long, storied history. For centuries, they have represented accomplishments, rank, experience and community. In many cultures, receiving tattoos is viewed as a spiritual experience.
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Now my body art represents many of these styles, plus watercolor, realism (mostly in the form of portraits), neotraditional, and a style called “blackwork.” I love the variety. I want to collect a gallery on myself from different artists and different styles. I want to collect a gallery on myself from different artists and different styles.
My body was covered before I got my first tattoo on my face. I definitely do not recommend starting there! I experimented for a year before I touched my face, using makeup to test placement and different looks. You have art on your face. That feels like a big jump! Was it for you? Yes, it was a big step even to go from tattoos that you can cover to those that you can’t, even on other places of my body. My body was covered before I got my first tattoo on my face. I definitely do not recommend starting there! I experimented for a year before I touched my face, using makeup to test placement and different looks.
It hurts. People who say it doesn’t are lying! It's an intense experience to go through. I’ve even had my armpits tattooed, which was extraordinarily painful - much more than my face. A good tattoo artist will check in with you, pace with you. I have endometriosis and the pain [of getting a tattoo] is comparable. I live every day with pain, but the pain of tattooing creates a result that I love. In this way, I have chosen my own pain. My tattoos are a symbol that I can survive it. —
I get judged all the time for having face tattoos. To me it all looks like it’s supposed to be there, it’s a part of me, but I understand that for others it can be intense. I know that it would have an even greater impact if I were not self-employed. Working for myself makes it possible to express myself this way. Tattoos involve pain, presumably. Why is the pain worth it to you?
ZOE MELISSA MAE is the founder of Unholy Oath, a size-inclusive clothing design business unholyoath.com, a professional makeup artist, and an advocate for body positivity. She lived in Brighton, UK. Follow her on Instagram @zoemelissamae.
The role of
Pain
is to remind you to stay in the
Moment
PODCAST RECOMMENDATIONS Women-led podcasts that we truly enjoy listening to!
68 | SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER 2022
PHYSICAL PAIN AS A CATALYST FOR PERSONAL GROWTH By: Dr. Peggy Malone
Whether it was a skinned knee on the playground, a throbbing headache, low back pain, a broken bone, going through childbirth, or the terrible unrelenting pain sometimes associated with chronic illness, you’ve felt the sting or dull ache, burn, crushing, throbbing, stabbing, sickening, radiating phenomenon that we humans call pain. First, let’s talk about pain in practical terms and why we experience it. Pain is an important neurological message that gives you extremely relevant information to pay attention to. It’s usually an indicator that some of the body’s tissues have been damaged or injured. Pain is the body’s alert system that something isn’t quite right and needs some attention. Our ability to feel pain is a means of preventing further tissue damage and ultimately, promoting healing.
Most often over the 20 years that I have been working as a Chiropractor, the reason that people first visit my office is because they are experiencing some sort of pain that they don’t want to be experiencing. They are looking to me to help them remove their pain. As a result, I have two decades of experience watching people struggle with pain and reach out for help to alleviate it. Before I move on to the potential benefits of a pain experience, (Yes! I believe that there are some) let me share a few best practices for managing pain, especially as related to common manifestations of pain in our modern culture including musculoskeletal injury or more chronic degenerative processes such as arthritis.
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 69
Have you ever heard this piece of wisdom? “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” The first time I ever saw these words was when I was in the last 5km of a Marathon. I repeated it to myself on a loop for the last 5km of that race and for big parts of many races I’ve done since.
1. Move it Or Lose It Humans are kinetic motion machines, we are designed to move. Many injuries or painful episodes are associated with the fact that culturally in 2022, we are rewarded (often with a pay cheque) for sitting still in a chair rather than moving as we are designed. This sedentary behaviour often leads to muscle weakness and imbalance which leaves us susceptible to injury and pain. On top of this sitting habit that so many of us engage in at work, many people are still of the belief that they should be still and rest when they experience a painful episode. This is an outdated way of thinking about pain and I encourage my patients daily that movement is better than no movement. The movement will be beneficial in stimulating healing and it also has the added perk of fooling your nerve-ending receptors so that you actually feel less pain! The movement doesn’t have to be aggressive or hard-core. Gentle walking for 5-10 minutes is often enough to help warm up the tissues and alleviate some of the discomforts. For those patients who are managing more chronic degenerative processes, I often tell them that the number one rule for anything degenerative is to ‘move it or lose it'! The more these patients move, the better their subjective experience and the better their longer-term outcomes. Remember that it doesn’t have to be formal, organized exercise in the gym. Gentle movements anywhere in your life count!
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2. Set a Timer and Stand Up more If you are a human, who sits still for many hours per day at a desk in front of a computer or around a table in meetings, you may find that your body doesn’t feel super great about this sedentary work habits behaviour. If you find yourself feeling discomfort or pain associated with your daily working postures, you could set a timer for a few times through your work day to get yourself at least standing and moving. Some other great things to try at a work or home office to get you up and moving more: Stand and pace or walk when you take calls or at the very least, make it a habit to stand up each time the phone rings as you say hello. Walk and Talk Meetings: If you are meeting a colleague in person, your meeting could be extra productive by getting some steps in as you discuss what is on the agenda. Standing Meetings: In a larger group, suggest that everyone stand for the meeting. Incorporate a standing desk or a sit/stand desk that you can change up throughout your work day. Some people even use a treadmill desk where they are walking slowly at their desk as they carry out their daily tasks. 3. Practice Self-Care by Using the Services of a Body Worker
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Just as you take your car in regularly for oil changes and service, your body is often in need of maintenance too. If pain shows up regularly in your life, using the services of a body work such as a Registered Massage Therapist, Chiropractor, Physiotherapist, Osteopath or any other service provider that you feel comfortable with, can be extremely helpful in keeping you pain free and functioning at your best 4. Manage Your Stress Stress over time can contribute to muscle tension or spasm, especially when you are sitting in a chair in front of a computer for hours on end. This increased tension and spasm can increase pain. On top of this, when you feel stressed, levels of the hormone cortisol rise. This can cause inflammation and increased pain over time. We all know that we need to manage our stress more and the way that it can affect your perception of pain is just one more reason. 5. Manage Your Mind and Your Thoughts Around Pain In watching and helping people manage pain, I’ve seen how it can be a nuisance to be banished, as well as an often debilitating ongoing presence, but, pain can also be a powerful teacher and, in many cases, a catalyst for personal growth. Part of learning to trust yourself, your body, and your inner knowing is paying attention to the signals that your body is giving you. Pain is one of those signals.
We have been conditioned to always think of pain as bad… but imagine if you put your hand over a flame and your body didn’t immediately send a pain signal and the direction to pull back? Pain, in this case, is a powerful guide and teacher and is worth tuning into. It is also an example of how pain can be a good thing if we change how we think about it. When I signed up for that marathon, I knew that the training and the race itself wouldn’t always be comfortable. I knew that I was signing up for a certain amount of physical pain and I chose it on purpose. Because it was a conscious choice to lean into the physical pain of running, I didn’t think of the pain as a problem. I expected it and worked through it to get to the finish line upright and smiling. I knew that ultimately, I wasn’t suffering in that pain because I had chosen it. I knew that on the other side of that pain was my goal of finishing that marathon. Since then, I’ve experienced occasional episodes of back pain that I didn’t choose on purpose, and of which,
I had negative thoughts, and I allowed myself to indulge in the suffering of physical pain….for a while.
Once I committed to doing that work, the back pain episodes have been fewer and my belief in my ability to manage them if they show up has grown Then I remembered to lean on a stronger. strong belief of mine and it’s this: “Life is happening for me, As strange as it seems, I am Not to me” grateful to Pain for helping me to see strength in myself, both A question I asked myself then mentally and physically, that I and a question that I ask my maybe wouldn’t have without clients to consider when they its influence. are going through something difficult are: How is this Think of it this way. You are happening for me? driving the car of life and Pain wants to go for a ride with you The answer was that my occasionally. He’s allowed in experience with injury and pain the car every once in a while increased my empathy as a but he’s not allowed to drive or practitioner. After experiencing give directions. You can thank those episodes of back pain Pain for his teachings and his firsthand, I became an even inspiration and then he gets to kinder and gentler version of lie down in the back seat while myself as a healthcare provider. you take the wheel and go wherever you want to go. The other inspiration that I took "Unless you are a from my own back pain was that superhero or I could think about it have a strange differently. I could take control and rare of it by deciding that I could neurological manage it. I had the power to disorder, chances seek out practitioners to help are that you me. I had the power to do the have boring but effective physio experienced the exercises that helped me get subjective stronger. I had the power to experience of decide that I could think about physical pain." pain in a different way.
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 72
https://drpeggymalone.com/ @drpeggymalone
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Dr. Peggy Malone is a Chiropractor turned Life Coach who helps women over 40 lean into the magic of being a woman in midlife. She helps you to get curious about where you want to go next with this one precious life and helps you really claim all of your big dreams and goals.
Pain IS AN REMINDER OF our journey AND A PART OF WHO WE HAVE BECOME
Accepting
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE GIVEN UP
- Sheryl Sandberg
HEALING AT A DEEPER LEVEL By Tara Moreno-Wallen
Deep and difficult emotions. Something most avoid or have a downright fear of experiencing. I know I did. For years, I wandered through my own wilderness where very little made sense and direction was a lost concept. I was clinically depressed and heavily medicated during my early thirties. The meds never worked; they blunted any feeling I had left. I never knew that what I was looking for was in my own darkness and everything modern told me to avoid it. Everywhere I turned there were messages telling me to seek outside of myself for alleviation. In 2013, after giving birth to my son and growing fear of post-partum, I stumbled across the concept of shadow work.
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The process was defined and something I was not aware of. I knew that it was a Jungian concept in which alcoholics anonymous was built on. Essentially shadow work is the exploration of one’s inner darkness and shadow work uncovers the aspects of self that have been disowned, repressed, and rejected. When the light of awareness is shone on the shadow this is when healing happens. However, Shadow work is very particular in that when revisiting a traumatic memory, the experience must be viewed while inside of the body not outside the body--like a movie. If we are viewing the memory like a movie scene that is an indication there is disassociation from self. When reexperiencing the event every emotion is brought up, felt and released from the body. After learning about the process—and as a novice meditator-- I took a leap of faith and tried it.
The first memory I chose was an easier memory for me to stand witness to. It was about my father and a night where he came home after a night of drinking. Inside my mind’s eye I noticed I was not inside of my body and became aware of the disassociation. I made the mental adjustments needed and viewed the memory from within my body. When I reexperienced the memory, turbulent—and surprising--emotions came up. Fear came up and sadness and anger. I noticed that sadness and anger had become intertwined. And as I felt each emotion fully with my focused presence the emotions began to unravel. When the emotions subsided—after about 15 minutes—I was able to regain composure. After a week of shadow work, I began to notice great changes taking place in my body and my mind. I had more peaceful experiences and I didn’t feel as scattered. I felt as if a weight was being lifted and my breath was deepening. I instinctually knew I had found the part of the healing path I had been seeking for for so long.
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” ~Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist I
THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 76
Reiki®
During this time, I was also heavily immersed in learning reiki. I received my first attunement in 2013 and in 2014 I became a reiki master. With the knowledge of the shadow work, I incorporated reiki into self-healing with an emphasis on the shadow-- or what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain-body. In Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, he describes the pain-body as a dark shadow cast by the ego. It is “negative energy field that occupies the body and mind.” As I merged the knowledge of both concepts and through witnessing the healing of my own pain-body/shadow and those who I was working with I developed a way to deliver reiki to heal the shadow or the pain-body. The modality is called Recovery Reiki® and over the course of the next seven years developed the curriculum, trademarked the name and wrote a manual with a workbook. As I moved through the information over those seven years, I worked and healed all the while not knowing what I was creating until 2019. I wasn’t only discussing energy medicine but the physical body and gut health and the impact of environmental toxins on the body. Recovery Reiki® is also specific to healing the pain associated with addictions, relationship codependency and trauma. The deepest parts of the shadow and pain-body.
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In traditional Reiki it is taught to no focus on the things that cause us pain and that an intention is not always necessary in order for the energy medicine to work. However, in Recovery Reiki® the opposite is true. To heal the pain-body and the shadow, it is imperative to acknowledge them and set the intention to heal. It is only when there is awareness around the shadow and pain-body that it can be healed. IIntention is also particularly important in Recovery Reiki®. Intention is powerful in that it generates a container for the energy medicine to work. When the energy medicine is targeted towards the shadow and the pain-body and when the practitioner has awareness around the negative impact the pain-body has on the physical, mental and emotional bodies and its field of energy, the reiki flows directly to it.
After time, with these processes, I developed greater stretches of peace and happiness. What used to trigger me no longer has power over me and I’m able to show up in life more confidently because I am longer controlled by my emotions or thoughts. I have also created a new reality built around a foundation of peace and love. I have found that the thoughts that once caused me pain are no longer there and that I am no longer afraid of my mind. I’m free to co-create my reality from who I really am than from my pain. Relationships are also an integral part of Recovery Reiki®. In level II, a practitioner learns to use the modality in a group. The group healing is where like-minded people gather to release their shadows and painbodies through the vulnerability of expression and the awareness. The group is repeatable and kind of like Alcoholics anonymous attendees know what they are going to get out of it. In Flint, Michigan at Serenity House Communities we are still consistently seeing a 75% reduction in stress, 60% reduction in anger, 30% in pain, 33% in cravings, and 64% in anxiety with the modality.
https://www.instagram.com/tara.y.moreno/ https://greentaraholistics.com/
Through this journey of shadow work and the awareness of the pain-body, my relationship with pain has been altered greatly. I now understand that pain is a great motivator for change. If we cheat the process, in the words of Marianne Williamson, we can get comfortable in the dull ache of life rather than embrace the sharp pains of transformation. I am also reminded that in a country still trying to recover from an opioid crisis we have to ask ourselves what are we trying to avoid in ourselves and it is through self-awareness of the shadow and the pain-body that heal at an individual level and a collective level.
Tara is the founder and CEO of Serenity House Communities and Green Tara Holistics, LLC. She is a woman in longterm recovery and aims to raise awareness around healing through holistic practices.
Tara’s books can be found on Barnes and Noble and Amazon. For more information on her books and services, visit www.greentaraholsitics.com.
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THANK YOU TO LUCIAS EMPORIUM FOR SPONSORING THE PRODUCTION OF THIS ISSUE
2 PART TWO
The second part of the bookazine is for you to explore your PAIN and how you can use it to move forward in life.
UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN AS STRENGTH NOT A WEAKNESS
Now that it is out there, let’s talk about how you can get closer to making it a reality.
LEARN ABOUT
Vol. 3 September 2022
YOUR PAIN
NEW FRONTIER Now it is your time to explore your story
Revisit your pain and explore how you can use it to move forward in life.
LET'S GET STARTED! By Dr. Kinga Mnich
First, I would like to express my gratitude for sticking around and immersing yourself in this edition of the Ziva Voices Bookazine. We will explore some questions that will help better understand what you want to focus on as a leader. The stories shared with you will hopefully inspire you to step into a leadership position and gain more confidence by expanding your skills.
I hope that the women in this issue inspire you to step into positions that make you feel uncomfortable because that is where we can experience the most growth. Staying authentic to your values and beliefs is the core of being an effective leader. Authenticity is what empowers you to inspire and to keep people motivated. And as Susan Jeffers said, "There are leaders and there are those who lead. Leaders hold a position of power or influence. Those who lead inspire us."
ZIVA VOICES I SEP-NOV 2022
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAIN We often avoid speaking about pain. We hide it and step away from it until one day we get overwhelmed by it. But pain is part of our life, as our contributors have shown us in this issue. We hope that the stories shared will help you to connect with your pain and let go of the hold it has over you. Where do you have pain in your life? For each, describe how you feel and what triggers that pain. ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................
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Which article inspired or motivated you the most? Why? Which tools are you going to try? .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Which painful situation do you remember that you feel like you didn't lose control? Describe what you did in that moment and how you manage to accept the pain. And why? ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Describe a difficult and painful situation. Try to focus on what you learned from it and how you managed to use it in a powerful way and moved forward? Why do you remember it? And why did it work in your opinion? ...................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................
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3 PART THREE ABOUT ZIVA VOICES
WWW.ZIVAVOICES.COM
Ziva Voices – HerStory in the Making is committed to collecting women’s stories, amplifying their voices, and providing a network to connect women worldwide. We exist to show how women influence their communities and benefit their economies through their work, to demonstrate the power of women working together, and to create a protective space to allow for growth. We foster self-empowerment through sharing resources, building confidence, and helping women develop a growth mindset.
MISSION
OUR MISSION
VISION
VISION
Creating a world in which women’s contributions, creativity and voices are recognized and any opportunity barriers against them lifted. We exist to show how women influence their communities and benefit their economies through their work, to demonstrate the power of women working together, and to create a protective space to allow for growth. We foster self-empowerment through sharing resources, building confidence, and helping women develop a growth mindset. THE ZIVA VOICES BOOKAZINE | 87
OUR GOALS We highlight how women change communities, benefit the economies in which they work, and lift each other up by fostering diversity and authentic equality. The networking effect of this bookazine, our community and our workshops focuses on promoting women all over the world and providing them with highly effective and readily accessible support.
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WHAT WE OFFER Community Events We organize regular in-person events for women to network, learn and get inspired.
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Ziva Voices - HerStory in the Making bookazine Online quarterly publication with a focus on women’s stories, amplifying their voices, and providing a network to connect women worldwide.
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Creating a world in which women’s contributions, creativity and voices receive equal opportunities & visibility.
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07 03 02 04 08
09
10
01
05 Dr. Peggy Malone
https://drpeggymalone.com/
Dr. Kinga Mnich www.kingamnich.com
06 Aalia Lanius
Lisa King
https://unsugarcoatedmedia.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisa-king-b4b578232/
07
Connie P. Milligan, LCSW
Ade Larigo https://www.agencyconnection.co.uk/
https://spectrumtransformation.com/ Zoe Melissa Mae
Ciara Coleman
https://www.linkedin.com/in/theamyhr
https://www.seeciara.com/
vold
Davonna Saier, MHA
08
https://davonna.net/
Claudia Pereira Delgado https://beapeach.co/
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Coren Phelps www.linkedin.com/in/corene-phelps
03 04
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Monica Austin
10
Michelle J Raymond
Elizabeth Lucas-Averett https://www.linkedin.com/in/lucas-averett/
https://goodtradingco.com.au/
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Tammy S. Drost https://tammydrost.com/
hello@theziva.com
Tara Moreno-Wallen https://greentaraholistics.com/
Our Staff. Editor in Chief Dr. Kinga Mnich Deputy Editor Hannah Sword Senior Editors Ivana Madzarevic, Elizabeth Lucas-Averett Executive Art Director Amanda Harper Contributors Ciara Coleman, Corey Phelps, Lisa King, Elizabeth Lucas-Averett, Tammy S. Drost, Aalia Lanius, Connie P. Milligan, LCSW, Claudia Pereira Delgado, Ade Larigo, Zoe Melissa Mae, Dr. Peggy Malone, Michelle J Raymond, Monica Austin, Davonna Sair, Tara MorenoWallen Chief Photography Editor Dr. Kinga Mnich Photographer Kinga Mnich, Ayna Lorenzo, Girlsquad Media, Jennifer Chang Associate Art Director Amanda Harper Associate Editor Carla Patricia Caguioa Photography Editor Amanda Harper Associate Photography Editor Janaya Combs
Permanent contributors Connie Milligan MSW Kim Normand Dobrin
Feel free to reach out with suggestions, comments, questions and inquiries:
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The bookazine is published by The Ziva Way, LLC. & Ziva Project Incorporated 501c3 www.zivavoices.com
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More women are building successful communities and businesses everyday. They are shifting their mindset, using their leadership skills, mobilizing communities and turning a small business into an empire. In the Ziva Voices, we bring forth stories of experience and inspiration to highlight ways in which you can learn how to shift your mindset, change your habits, learn new skills, build your confidence, and learn to speak up. When we hear the stories of other women - overcoming the pain, social obstacles and self-doubt - it can become easier to understand that you have all it takes to make the next move, be the person that creates change, and feel connected and empowered.
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SEP - DEC 2022
Resilience, Strength Wisdom
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THE PAIN ISSUE
