phillips
John
Twenty new rules to boost NASCAR’s ratings.
A
nother NASCAR season has concluded, yet I still don’t grasp the “Race for the Chase.” You get most of the way through the season, then the dozen best drivers lose all their points and start over again, while the rest of the field—the losers, who already feel like crap—are excluded from championship contention and are showcased nationally as losers, tried twice for the same crime. I do understand why sanctioning bodies— now including the NHRA, with its awkwardly named “Countdown to One”—might be drawn to such contrivances. It effectively bestows two championship titles per season. But if spectators are really such obliging nitwits, how about this: The driver who wins any race is immediately crowned the champion. Maybe even the world champion. And he remains the world champion until someone else wins—probably at the next event—and then the series gets to crown yet another world champion. This system theoretically gives NASCAR 36 champions per year and the NHRA, 24. Here are 20 other new rules to boost NASCAR’s ratings: 1. Fans may throw anything on the track at any time, as long as it is: a) an item made of glass, b) a car battery, or c) a riding mower. 2. One grandstand at every track must be reserved exclusively for: a) alcoholics (bloodalcohol levels will be tested), b) persons wearing electronic ankle tethers, and c) rodeo clowns with snakes. 3. All cars must be capable of 300 mph. To achieve this, no scrutineer will ever glance under the hood of a competitor’s car. (Note: Solid rocket fuel, while discouraged, will not be expressly banned as long as it is “The Official Solid Rocket Fuel of NASCAR.”) 4. The speed limit on pit lane will be 175 mph—strictly enforced, no exceptions. 5. Three (3) celebrity drivers and/or politician drivers will compete in every race. At least one (1) must be severely maimed or paralyzed in a crash so violent that it shuts down the track for thirty (30) minutes, a period hence-
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forth to be known as “Free-Beer Time.” 6. A lottery will be undertaken in which three (3) RV and/or bus owners in the infield will be permitted to compete in the actual race for any ten (10) laps of their choosing. 7. During “Free-Beer Time,” fans will electronically vote to sacrifice between six (6) and nine (9) spectator vehicles to a peat bog maintained at every track, starting with the automobile the promoter drove to that day’s race. 8. During the event, the spectator who starts the largest fire will be invited to participate in the victory celebration. 9. At one race each year, the National Rifle
is televised live on the infield JumboTron. 14. The TV broadcasting team will, at every race, include two (2) of the following persons as color commentators: John Madden, O.J. Simpson, Ellen DeGeneres, Michael Jackson’s physician, Sly and the Family Stone, Sharon Stone, Oliver Stone, Stone Phillips, or the Rolling Stones. 15. One (1) car per event must explode. 16. Twenty (20) minutes of each TV broadcast will be allotted to a segment videotaped in the grandstands. This segment will officially be known as “Is She Wearing a Bra?” 17. Any competitor with the surname
During ‘Free-Beer Time,’ drivers will demonstrate their helmetthrowing abilities. Association will hold its annual convention and, during green-flag racing, will oversee a competition that determines the organization’s “Marksman of the Year.” 10. During “Free-Beer Time,” drivers will demonstrate their helmet-throwing abilities. Any driver who inflicts a closed head injury will be crowned that day’s “Helmet-Hurling Hero” and will restart the race in first place. 11. Every pit crew must employ one (1) actual simian, with DNA to be tested by the San Diego Zoo. This simian may have any name as long as it’s “Walker, Texas Ranger” and must perform a vital pit function—changing tires, adding fuel, or challenging the driver to a game of rock/paper/scissors. 12. At any time, members of the France family can demand the installation of snow chains on the driven wheels of five (5) competing vehicles. 13. On lap 100, one (1) driver will be selected at random to undergo a personal IRS audit that
“Busch” will be ejected from the premises of all tracks, including those tracks that have never hosted a NASCAR event. 18. At the night event at Bristol Motor Speedway, the back straightaway will include a ramp-to-ramp leap of no less than sixty (60) feet. Competitors who misjudge their entry speeds and land amidst throngs of spectators will be subject to a drive-through penalty but will not lose a lap. 19. Any driver whose car is disabled can reenter the race but only in a rental car acquired through “The Official Rental-Car Agency of NASCAR.” 20. On an undisclosed lap of every race, NASCAR will prominently display a handsome skull-and-crossbones flag, informing drivers that the event, effective immediately, will proceed in a clockwise direction. NASCAR reserves the right to change any of these rules at any time it pleases. (This is not a new rule.)
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