Thoughtful Mom + Life Magazine Issue 003 (mom-stress)

ISSUE 003 MOM STRESS THOUGHTFUL MOM + LIFE MAGAZINE with GUIDED MINDFULNESS JOURNALS for MOMS

THOUGHTFULMOMLIFE COM

FRESHLY ROASTED, IN SMALL BATCHES. LORDANDLADY.CA

finding stability

when life changes.

EMOTIONS OF MOTHERHOOD

THE STRESS RESPONSE

I help Moms...

...tune into the smallest changes that affect their mental health and joy. ...be their best self and show up the way they've always dreamed of with their families - even if they feel so far from it at the moment!

...connect with their true core emotions at the deepest levels without feeling shame or judgment. ...work through their past trauma and pain so they can stop the trauma cycles once and for all in their family.

Love Shauna

Shauna Jenkins Editor in Chief

We help Moms work through the pain of their past, so they can live the life they've always dreamed.

A 6 month program to becoming your best emotional self.

talkmomemotions.com

BOOSTING YOUR OXYTOCIN

By Bianca N. Cotton

You don’t need an S on your shirt to be a great Mom

CALMING MOM RAGE

Darlynn Childress

You're mad.

Stressed to the max. Mom rage is kicking in. What will you do!?

Moms are dealing with many "stressors" throughout the day. We often jump from dealing with one stressor to another, without even recognizing that 'stress juice is building up inside.

They said watch for tears or crying all the time. Instead, I had anger not crying. So I did not think I had PPD.

LUNCHBOX NOTES BY INKLINGS PAPERIE Write your own thoughtful scratch off notes to your kids or your honey & put it in their lunch!

THOUGHTFUL SCRATCH-OFF KINDNESS NOTE CARDS BY INKLINGS PAPERIE

These are larger sized than the lunchbox notes use them for any occasion! Write a thoughtful message, cover it up with the scratch off sticker & mail it or drop it off to a friend! Purchase them for your kids & let them practice the value of encouragement

A Note from the Editor

In this photo, we were 7 and 9 years old on a trip with my family to Prince Edward Island, Canada. It was one of the best trips of my life :)

My colorful, flowered, matching outfit (now in style again!), was bought right before the trip by my mom because I BEGGED her to buy a matching outfit to my friend "Tanya"

My mom hesitated as a 9 year old may not want to be copied by her little companion and look a like younger friend I begged and begged until my mom bought the outfit

Fast forward to our high school years when we dated the same guy kind of at the same time wait, what!? How did he even let that happen!?

We spend hours together rehearsing in music classes and travelling cross country and to Australia

Both each other's maid of honors in our weddings, Tanya lost her dad to cancer in the summer of 2009 It was a devastation I will never forget

An unwanted, unmeasurable change had begun

I sat there at her kitchen table sorting photographs before the funeral Silence Working Trying to keep busy Uncle Doug was also our closest family friend A farmer and a lifelong buddy to my own dad

FINDING A LIFELONG FRIEND IS A RARE TREASURE.

WHY? Why this unexpected, unwanted change? I was so mad So angry I didn't know what to say or do We just lived in the moment day by day

We went through the funeral and then holidays without Uncle Doug At the funeral, I tried not to feel I was so mad I didn't deal with this grief until years later.

This year we celebrate 40 years of friendship.

There have been times I've called her crying, or texted a mad dash of angry texts about my life or stressful situation

Always met with a kind story, or a thumbs up, a celebratory comment or an empathetic heartfelt reply Often a story in return that makes me feel like "she gets me "

It wasn't until 2 years ago when she turned 40, first, that I decided to not take life for granted and open myself up to vulnerability by way of encouragement On her birthday, unable to travel because of Covid restrictions, I sent a few video messages reflecting on our journey together.

They were deep Uncomfortable for me to express in words It can be uncomforta vulnerable and share at this level But I anyway Sometimes we only live on the in our relationships

It's one thing to tell someone else wha friend means to you but have you actu them directly? I challenge you to share never know how much deeper your frie might grow or perhaps, what that pers to hear from you to be encouraged.

-Shauna

P S Check out the meaning of one of m favorite supports for Moms! Encourage

EN·COUR·AGE /inˈkərij/

• give support, confidence, or hope (someone)

• to infuse COURAGE, to strengthen, h

• to fill with courage or strength of p

Want to strengthen a friendship? Tell them what the friendship means to you and what you value about them as a friend.

Do you get shy or embarrassed easily by conversations that make you feel vulnerable? Why? What's your fear?

Tell us a unique way you encouraged a friend! >>

Send us a message! @thoughtfulmomlife

Connection makes the world go 'round.

Showing kindness increases oxytocin, the hormone responsible for creating trust and bonds between friends

S U B S C R I B E

This 5-day intensive mini-course helps Moms stop feeling bad about the way they parent so they can be confident in who they are without comparing themselves to other Moms.

STRESS /STRES/

Stress is a state of threatened homeostasis, triggered by intrinsic or extrinsic forces (stressors), and is counteracted by physiologic and behavioral responses aiming to maintain/reestablish the optimal body equilibrium.

In: Feingold KR, Anawalt B, Boyce A, et al., editors. Endotext [Internet]. South Dartmouth (MA): MDText.com, Inc.; 2000-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK278995/

Tsigos C, Kyrou I, Kassi E, et al. Stress: Endocrine Physiology and Pathophysiology. [Updated 2020 Oct 17].

The Stress Response

"The stress response begins in the brain

When someone confronts an oncoming car or other danger, the eyes or ears (or both) send the information to the amygdala, an area of the brain that contributes to emotional processing The amygdala interprets the images and sounds When it perceives danger, it instantly sends a distress signal to the hypothalamus."

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying healthy/understanding the stress response

When we are living in a constant state of stress, for a long duration of times, cortisol runs high or constant This is when we face possible burn out It can deplete the adrenal glands, responsible for releasing cortisol when needed to fight or flight, so when we actually do really need a boost of cortisol, it's not there Our bodies respond with inflammation and a series of other events

Author Shauna Jenkins discusses trying to do + be everything as a Mom and how it made postpartum depression so much harder. Shauna shares her methods to addressing root thought patterns so she didn't burn out a second time.

Read Shauna's backstory at ThoughtfulLifeHome.com

MAGAZINE ISSUE?

A. The definition of stress listed on page 20 is a whole body definition. But if I were to explain it in every day language, to me, CHANGE precedes STRESS In other words, we are all creatures of habit and desire a steady equilibrium

When change comes, it throws our life balance for a spin. We all have a range in which we can handle change called stress tolerance. Some have a higher range than others. It's proven that those who have experienced traumatic stress in their younger years have a thinner range of tolerance Could it be that Moms who have experienced significant prior stress in life, go through postpartum depression more often? I have yet to find a study on this, but throughout my experience meeting with medical professionals and counsellors, most have talked to me about this ball of stress from the past and present that seem to collide for Moms when they have babies so much change all at once, vulnerability, hormonal shifts and brand new unknowns.

Q&A: SHAUNA JENKINS

Shauna Jenkins was a motivational speaker, film producer, television host and writer. Now, Mom of 3 and Editor in Chief of Thoughtful Mom & Life Magazine, she opens up about her journey with post partum depression

WAS PPD TEARS, SADNESS OR ANGER?

They said watch for tears or crying all the time Instead, I had anger not crying. So I did not think I had PPD

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

The ability to make decisions got super difficult. I remember wanting to change the paint color of our walls and just staring for months at paint chips, unable to make a decision. This was unlike my normal behavior I was usually always able to move forward and push through difficult situations But even decisions as small as paint colors became unexplainably overwhelming.

Q. WHY DID YOU CHOOSE STRESS FOR THE TOPIC OF THIS

I was a busy visionary and film producer. When I became a Mom, I tried to keep doing it all work, the house, meals, goals, dreams, projects, parenting, pregnancy. That's when I hit burn-out

Q. HOW DID STRESS PLAY A ROLE IN YOUR POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION?

A. I'm a fix it person. So when my Doctor said you're struggling with a mood disorder, I asked a lot of questions. If I could find out what caused this, I could fix it and be better, right? When she told me "they don't know what causes PPD, I was so mad What do you mean you don't know?"

A new baby, hormone changes, partner loses their job, financial instability, death of a parent.

Imagine all of these happen within the same time period Even if you have a high stress range/tolerance, your equilibrium is completely out of balance. You may have really great coping strategies already for dealing with life's circumstances and changes, or your ability to process and handle all of these changes might put you over the edge of your tolerance We all have a repertoire of coping strategies building resiliency mindsets is an amazing tool to help navigate these unexpected circumstances.

Even though I'd want to bring everything back into balance all at once, when I would try to do too much I'd end up back to where I began with way more stress feeling like I flopped backwards

Little, tiny steps of forward movement has been the best possible strategy even though I fought this strategy SO much at the start!

My mantra for myself had to be, "one thing at a time " I put this saying up beside my kitchen sink and when I'd feel overwhelmed, I'd look at this visual and use this practice to slow myself down

Q. HOW DO YOU MINIMIZE STRESS HAVING 3 KIDS?

A. Overwhelm occurs when we have so much happening at the same time and we have a hard time breaking it down to find possible solutions I found myself in a place of overwhelm each and every day after having kids. My husband would leave for work and I was frozen, unable to think about how to go about my day. I've found that the best way for me to work through overwhelm is to write down each topic/issue that is overwhelming me Break it down into smaller parts so I can visually see what is going on in my brain Then I would pick one thing that would help ONE of those areas this week.

My previous patterns of thinking would have said, how can I change everything so I won't be so overwhelmed? But I've since realized this has been an unhealthy pattern for me to live by. In those times when there was a lot of change, making one small, tiny change was actually the BEST practice I could have.

Kids want play They want your full attention I couldn't give them these things if I didn't have the capacity to slow down and be present in the moment

It was becoming a Mom that taught me slow down and tune into my own feelings, by tuning into theirs

Shauna Jenkins

NATURAL VS. MEDICATION

I'm a firm believer in a natural approach first and I tried everything I am SO grateful for the support around me including my medical doctors as well as my naturopathic doctor. When I expressed my concerns of being on medication I had to rely on for my mood and my fears of being on it for a long time, my Naturopath said, sometimes putting a bandaid on a bleeding wound is the best approach for right now. Then working on healing over a longer time (gut health, hormone balancing, etc ) when I'm not in crisis I felt the best choice was medication for me to be my best Mom during these younger years for my kids while working towards overall health including: new patterns of thinking that wouldn't cause a snowball effect in the future, working on sleep magnesium, Vitamin D, B complex vitamins and a great probiotic.

GETTING HELP

It wasn't until after I had my 3rd baby, all of those overwhelming feelings and inability to make decisions (and even more symptoms) came back I realized this is THAT This is a post baby problem for me. That's when I looked for help

ShaunaJenkins

If change PRECEDES stress, then trying to change everything all at once was actually adding another level of stress.

What is stressful right now? List anything and everything If lists aren't your thing, scribble or write them anywhere on the page!

Identify ONE you area you want to move forward in this week. What is ONE SIMPLE step of forward motion (it must be something within your circle of control) you can take in this area THIS WEEK?

BY SHAUNA JENKINS

"I WANT TO STOP YELLING AT MY KIDS."

STRESSFUL DAY STRATEGIES

Here's the #1 reason you yell Yelling relieves mom stress ’’ Moms are dealing with many "stressors" throughout the day We often jump from dealing with one stressor to another, without even recognizing that 'stress juice is building up inside.

Stress juice is a chemical cocktail of cortisol, adrenaline, and epinephrine that courses through the body and creates a BIG, INTENSE STRESS RESPONSE. Stress juice builds up in the body when you have more stressors in your life than your body can handle When the stress juice has nowhere to go, it flows out in unexpected ways

BY DARLYN CHILDRESS PART I (PART II ON PAGE 88)

Your body literally gets flooded by chemicals and then you POP A stress juice surge is when you feel overwhelmed by the moment and your body goes from 0 100 in less than a few seconds. Stress juice surges are those moments when the rage kicks in and your body takes over and you do all sorts of yelling and other less lovely behaviors to get that stress juice out.

In motherhood, stress juice surges show up as "Mad Mom Syndrome" where you yell and speak unkindly Stress juice can also show up as extreme fatigue, migraines, digestive issues, depression, anxiety, marital strife, or other draining results

MOM SUPPORT, LOADS OF CONTENT WITH GUIDED JOURNALS FOR MOMS THOUGHTFULMOMLIFE COM

Yelling is a strategy moms use to deal with their feelings, their environment, or their stress. But it’s not the only one. Besides yelling, there are other strategies moms use to get out of mom stress:

Getting aggressive with your words: lecturing, threatening, shaming, complaining, criticizing

Avoidance & checking out: Aka ‘hiding from your life Not returning texts or phone calls

Declining invitations. Not working on projects. Ignoring kids.

Getting aggressive with your body: grabbing, slamming, stomping, pinching

Doing things to avoid feelings: over drinking, binge watching, excessive news checking, scrolling social media, over eating, over exercising, restrictive dieting, obsessive thinking, drug abuse, picking at things or your body.

All of these are coping strategies to deal with stress juice. But it's not actually getting to the underlying problem of our overabundance of stress, not to mention most of these coping strategies can leave us feeling other things like guilt or shame and then cycle simply continues and we feel even more stressed!

In the next few pages, you'll find my 4 healthy coping strategies to deal with your stress juice without dumping it on your kids You've got this, mama! Love Darlynn

Darlynn is a life and parent coach who spends most of her days helping moms stop feeling like crap and actually enjoy their kids. She is the host of the “Become A Calm Mama” podcast and founder of the online “Calm Mama Club” community, where she shares practical tips and tools for parents

SUBSCRIBE TO JOIN OUR GROUP WORKSHOP

Darlynn wasn’t always a calm mama She, too, struggled with rage, overwhelm, confusion and guilt as a mom She learned tools to calm herself, connect with her kids and set limits that work and now teaches those tools to other moms A Southern California girl since birth, Darlynn spends her free time hiking, stand up paddleboarding, reading novels by the pool and planning her next vacation

calming mom-rage

M

MOVE YOUR BODY

Whenever you notice yourself feeling overwhelmed, angry, or upset, PAUSE and do something with your body When you’re upset, your brain is looking for a way to get out of the stress cycle Most often that means using your body to calm your nervous system. And if you don't guide your brain to do something intentionally, it will feel like you are out of control and raging. Cuz you kinda are.

When you move your body intentionally, the stress hormones move through your nervous system quickly and your brain calms down faster So do something intentional with your body and focus that stress juice surge in a specific movement.

You might be wondering... what exactly do I do? ANYTHING! You can pretty much do anything with your body during a stress juice surge As long as you do it with intention The more intentional and specific you are with your movement, the more effective this strategy is Jump up and down. Throw some pillows. Straighten some papers. Stomp your feet. Wash your hands. Go to the bathroom. Put on lipgloss. Eat something.

You can prevent stress juice surges by not letting stress juice build up Regular movement will help you keep your stress levels low Taking a brisk walk, cleaning, doing yard work, yoga, working out, having sex etc, will help your body be less reactive to stress.

TAKE A PAUSE BREAK

When tensions get high, or things aren’t going your way the kids start acting up, it’s important to calm yourself before you interact with your kids. Here’s why. When you become super REACTIVE and respond to your children with stress, anxiety, frustration or anger, then they escalate their stress behaviors and the next thing you know you are in a chaotic argument with your kids Cue meltdown

Instead of reacting, just stop and wait Don’t decide Don’t act Don't do anything about the situation. Give yourself time to think and get calm. Very few things are actually emergencies. Even 60 seconds of delay can shift your perspective from panic, overwhelm and anger to clear headed and calm

Whenever you become aware that you are feeling super angry, annoyed, yelling, lecturing, spanking, emotionally checking out, making a bunch of commands or threats. Stop yourself. Even if you are mid sentence. Just stop.

Let me let you in on a little secret...As long as everyone is physically safe, you have permission to DELAY doing anything about your kid's misbehavior

you're mad. stressed to the max. mom-rage is kicking in. what will you do!?

SOOTHE yourself

Sometimes all you really need to move from grumpy and overwhelmed to calm is a simple shift in the mood

Turn on your favorite song Put some headphones on and dance around

Go outside and feel the temperature change on your skin. Put your hands on your heart and say something kind to yourself. Light a candle. Make some tea. Call a friend. Look on the internet at a place you’ve always wanted to travel to Dream of being there Turn on the television and lay down

There are no rules here Find out what feels good and then actually do it

THOUGHT DUMP

It can be really helpful to dump all your negative thoughts and lingering “to dos” onto a piece of paper Grab a piece of paper (or record a voice memo) and just vent. Write out the thoughts that come up. Thoughts are sentences in your mind. I like to write my thought dump as one sentence at a time. One sentence per line. But you can also do it as one long paragraph However, it flows out is ok

Be honest These thoughts can be super negative, mean, and judge y They can be a mixed up mash up of positive and negative thoughts. Whatever comes is totally ok. You don’t need to censor yourself. In fact, you don’t want to because the shadow thoughts (the ones that you don’t want to look at and want to keep in the dark) are the ones that are really triggering your stress response

Keep writing until you feel a little ease A small shift is enough You don’t need a major aha Just a place to relieve some of the pressure. After you’ve done a thought dump, toss it out. No reason to keep those thoughts around.

I used to be a yeller I used to suffer from 'mad mom syndrome' I used to fall into bed filled with guilt, shame, regret, and resentment Then I discovered the tools I'm sharing with you here and I completely transformed my relationship with my kids and myself. It’s possible to get calm. One step at a time. You’ve got this.

Keep writing until you feel a little ease.

A small shift is enough.

You don’t need a major aha. Just a place to relieve some of the pressure. After you ’ ve done a thought dump, toss it out.

No reason to keep those thoughts around.

5 Ways to Increase Your HappyHormone

Oxytocin, known as the love hormone is not just boosted in positive sexual encounters or an intimate relationship

You know those warm and fuzzy feelings you get when you cuddle a puppy or connect with a friend? That’s oxytocin at work too

Oxytocin is the hormone that starts labor and brings milk into your breasts When your baby latches onto your breast, the sucking motion also stimulates oxytocin, which helps milk letdown

This powerful hormone has a calming effect and can have a positive influence on your emotions and mental health It’s also responsible for positive emotions like trust and happiness

Oxytocin is so powerful, it is the hormone that helps you correctly identify faces as either positive or negative and lower response to threatening faces This helps you build trust and connection with others

Do something nice for someone Encourage another Mom, send someone an appreciation note Selfless behaviors can promote oxytocin release Try hugging longer than 10 seconds! Get or give a massage Meditate Make your conversations count!

5 REASONS TO BOOST IT UP!

It gives us an intense feeling of safety and that someone has our back

It decreases addiction. Whether that is to food, nicotine, alcohol, drugs, or screens, it doesn’t matter

It increases our ability to problem solve.

It increases our desire to be productive.

It helps mitigate the stress hormone, cortisol.

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https://quintenc.ca/5-reasons-the-hormone-oxytocin-is-important-and-how-we-can-increase-it/

Visit ThoughtfulLifeHome com to shop encouraging gifts for a friend!

G I V I N G S O M E O N E A G I F T O R P R A C T I C I N G A R A N D O M A C T O F K I N D N E S S M A K E S T H E M H A P P Y , W H I C H C A N M A K E Y O U F E E L H A P P Y , T O O . T H E S I M P L E A C T O F B R I G H T E N I N G S O M E O N E ’ S D A Y C A N L I F T Y O U R S P I R I T S A N D P R O M O T E P O S I T I V E F E E L I N G S I N Y O U , T O O .

send an

as a new mom, i forgot about my own passions.

when i foundsomething i could do for even 10 minutes a day that i love, it made a hugedifference to my mental health.

This is your space to write

WHAT DO YOU LOVE?

LIST SOME OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES EVEN IF IT'S PRE-KIDS!

self self self care care care

WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY? (IE. PAINTING CLASS, WALKING WITH A FRIEND, COOKING A MEAL)

"it's not selfish as a mom to take time for you."

ask someone to watch your little ones for 2 hours. go for a walk, sit in the silence, do nothing. it's ok to enjoy it.

This 5-day intensive mini-course helps Moms stop feeling bad about the way they parent so they can be confident in who they are without comparing themselves to other Moms.

so, youthink you need a cape.

by Bianca N. Cotton with Shauna Jenkins

After a long day of working, I'd lay on the couch elated and exhausted.

Wishing someone would massage my shoulders, rub my feet and bring me dinner as soon as I sat down

Instead, I'd see dishes in the sink Children who need to eat To do lists miles long in my head Then the overwhelming feeling of trying to “do it all” would weigh heavily on me

(Have you ever been in my shoes, trying to manage the household, work outside the home, raise your family to the standards you hold high, all the while feeling like you're failing and if you could just 'try harder' it would all come together peacefully?)

Back to the couch: You know pizza 3 nights in a row isn't health food. Plus, all the tik toks on healthy meals for kids you watched today are giving you flashbacks to how "bad of a mom" you'll be if you order pizza another night in a row Yet, here you are Simply at a breaking point for today

In the back of your mind, that ever present Mom Guilt sets in. No way am I letting my kids eat pizza another night So you push harder, you put on your cape and you muscle through making a meal Kraft Dinner and some fresh, cut up veggies, seems a bit better than pizza, right?

You tighten your cape and take care of business

For a fleeting moment you feel a surge of adrenaline rush through your veins, with an 'S' proudly on your chest, you feel like SUPER MOM Only to crash once again even harder as your kids complain that they don't want to eat what you've made

There were so many times where I kept my cape on and wasn’t aware of it. I was in “go” mode. Rest wasn't part of my daily equation To me, rest as a Mom, while I could see the dishes in the sink out of the corner of my eye, equaled weakness.

Until one day, a few years back, I reached a breaking point I was in need of a break, not just a 30 minute break either.

One of those refreshing and restorative type breaks, where you come back ready to take on the world but do not pick up all the responsibilities that led to the burnout in the first place

Oftentimes, we are trying to be the best woman, mom, wife, employee, leader, business owner, friend, sister, aunt, and the list goes on. But if we don't take care of ourselves, then we're no good for anyone else

Rest is not optional. Rest is a requirement. Today, make a decision to rest and incorporate rest into your daily life

You don’t need an S on your shirt to be a great Mom.

B I A N C A N . C O T T O N

REST IS NOT OPTIONAL. REST IS A REQUIREMENT.

this is your permission slip to go take a nap. you're not 'lazy' when you take care of yourself.

Work Through It

Where does our need to wear a cape come from? Here are some ideas to think about Social media, Information overload, Your Mom role models, Culture/Society

What does the word CAPACITY mean to you?

How has your CAPACITY changed since becoming a Mom? ie What areas has your capacity increased (list anything and everything from emotional capacity to physical changes to social changes, and more)

In what areas has your capacity decreased or CHANGED in areas you had capacity in before becoming a Mom? (Decreased isn t a negative)

Where do you notice yourself trying to push beyond the capacity you have right now?

WAYS to incorporate REST into everyday LIFE Walking Journaling Listening Napping

There are several benefits to rest such as improved immune health, reduced stress and anxiety, it improves concentration and productivity, to name a few.

Here are four ways you can rest:

Walking: You may discover that walking can help you clear your mind

Wearing a cape of “I got it!,” “I can do it!,” “I will help you!,” to the point of being exhausted, is keeping you tired It isn't healthy living for you or your kids

Take a moment to think about the ways you can rest and be intentional about resting more Your mind, body and soul will be grateful for the deposits you are making into be a healthier version of yourself

It’s time to retire your cape, hang up the “S” on your chest and ask for help Seeking help, delegating some tasks and projects don't make you a 'bad Mom'. It makes you a GREAT Mom! It means you can SEE what needs to be done and you are making it happen not doing it all on your own!

Who came up with that idea anyways? You wouldn't expect a business owner to do every task required to manage their business. You might outsource your accounting or hire out design work.

If you need to hire a house cleaner so you can spend the quality time you need as a working Mom to be with your kids? That doesn't make you a 'bad Mom' because you're not cleaning the house That makes you a brilliant Mom for doing what needs to be done to fulfill your values in life of spending time with your kids

Years ago, Moms didn't work outside the home, spend time with their kids, drive them to all activities and manage their homes all at once

Journaling: Setting aside time to journal can help you write out your feelings, difficult situations and meditate on what you are grateful for

Listening to music: Helps with elevating your mood, reducing stress and even relieve symptoms of depression

Our world has changed, but our expectations of ourselves haven't It's time we adjust our expectations and fulfill our own personal dreams as Moms the way we WANT to Mother. It's YOUR call what you outsource or get help with No one else If someone else is judging you for it, shut down those thoughts Are you judging yourself? Find the root thought and ask yourself why. You don't need that negativity for where you're about to lead yourself as a Mom!

Napping: Resting your mind and body by taking a nap is restorative and relaxing

Remember when you are about to run and say “I got it” and “I can do it” do you really need to do it? If so, does it need to get done today or can it wait? Or can you creatively outsource or find help to make it happen if it's truly necessary to your goals and values for how you are raising your family?

Where do you notice yourself trying to push beyond the capacity you have right now?

How is this causing STRESS in your own life/body/mind?

What would happen if I slow down to where my capacity lies right now to be my authentic self?

Bianca

the gap

with dr morgan cutlip

I could list my expectations about motherhood for days

So many lofty expectations that set me up for disappointment and unfortunately feeling like I was failing This is a common sense finding, but research shows us that the further apart our expectations are from our reality the more difficult a time we will have

The more we will struggle The more negativity and dissatisfaction we will feel And the less we will see the good in ourselves or others

Part of undoing this process is bringing your expectations to light what are they? If you can first identify what your expectations are, you'll be able to gain clarity on what you can modify or adjust to experience more satisfaction in your relationships and sense of self When you become a parent, a different set of expectations for your partner often kick in that you were never even aware of

Unexplored, expressed and unmet expectations are often the source of major disappointment, resentment, and frustration in relationships.

Dr. Morgan Cutlip

THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING MY WORK DONE THAT I WOULDN’T NEED HELP THAT MY HUSBAND WOULD KEEP ME COMPANY DURING NIGHT FEEDINGS (HILARIOUS I KNOW) THAT MY BIRTH WOULD GO SMOOTH THAT I WOULD BE AS PRODUCTIVE AS I WAS BEFORE HAVING KIDS THAT IS WOULD BE EASY TO COME AND GO AS I PLEASED THAT I’D KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO PARENT THROUGH TOUGH SITUATIONS THAT I’D ALWAYS KEEP MY COOL THAT MY KIDS WOULD BE EASY TO PARENT

9 expectations I had that made motherhood harder

What expectations did you have of motherhood?

3 PRIMARY SOURCES OF EXPECTATIONS:

Early & ongoing relationship experiences Information consumption Societal influences

If you reflect on each of these three categories, you will begin to better define your expectations When you can define something then you can begin to make adjustments

Adjusting your expectations is a key way to find more peace with yourself and others If you aren’t sure if your expectations are unrealistic, it can be helpful to talk it through with a trusted friend or hold them up to how you show up for others

Are you expecting more from them in the relationship than you actually give?

It can be difficult to determine when to lower your expectations and when people need to step up

Read this list of guidelines on the next page and check them against your expectations

You may need to lower your expectations if….

THE OTHER PERSON ISN’T CAPABLE OF MEETING THEM. THEY DON’T HAVE THE INSIGHT OR IT’S NOT PART OF THEIR CHARACTER/PERSONALITY. THEY ARE UNREALISTIC. YOU MAY BE ASKING MORE THAN IS POSSIBLE OR WITHIN NORMAL LIMITS THEY EXCEED THE LEVEL OF COMMITMENT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. YOU DON’T LIVE OUT THE EXPECTATIONS YOU ARE SETTING FOR OTHERS YOU ARE REGULARLY DISAPPOINTED AND WANT TO KEEP A GOOD ATTITUDE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

YourThoughts... AGuidedJournaltoProcess

List the expectations you hold for yourself as a mother (I would add a specific role)

Choose someone in your life that is important to you, list the expectations you hold for this person

Review your expectations and put a star next to the ones that feel the furthest from your immediate reality

Does the distance from reality match your dissatisfaction or disappointment with that expectation?

Now consider your choices to lessen this gap

You can adjust your expectations to be more in line with your reality

You can talk with this person (or yourself) about leveling up in ways that will lessen the gap

You can decide to let this expectation go

When you become a parent a different set of expectations for your partner often kick in that you were never even aware of.

Dr. Morgan Cutlip

Check out more from Dr.

3 WAYS TO DEAL WITH UNMET EXPECTATIONS: 1 2 3

Adjust the expectation

Require others (or yourself) to level up and meet the expectation. Let the expectation go

Making this determination can be difficult and part of the process is weighing out a few questions:

Ask yourself:

Do I need to adjust this expectation to feel more peace with myself or in my relationship?

Do I need to let go of this expectation because it is unrealistic or causing me or my relationship harm?

Do I need to clearly assert this expectation? Has it existed inside of me, but not been vocalized clearly?

Dr Morgan Cutlip is a wife, a mom, holds a PhD in Psychology and has conducted award winning research in her field She is an advocate + life long lover of all things relationships and connects to her social audience through @drmorgancutlip and www.mylovethinks.com, with a particular passion for helping Millennials find love, happiness, and longevity in their relationships

One of the most challenging things in a relationship is a partner who is resistant to change.

Morgan @drmorgancutlip

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Children’s negative self talk can lead to a fixed mindset, they begin to fear failure and their self-esteem plummets. As parents, we can make a huge impact on how much our kids believe in themselves and how they approach challenges. By giving them the right tools, we help them better understand their brain and learn the importance of positive self talk

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The podcast is an amazing tool along with the journal! My kids love the fun and positive stories. As a parent, I love that each story reinforces a resiliency mindset at a kids level! Just brilliant!

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Breakdowns don't make us bad.

BY JASON WEENING HEYDADS CA

We were flying down the highway with the whole family at a fair clip yesterday when a strange wobble occurred Enough of a wobble that one of the inhabitants in the backseat said, “Dad something feels strange here.” Im glad we were almost at an exit so we were able to get off immediately. Then things started to fall into place. We saw a McDonalds then we saw a gas station with a working air compressor then I saw an auto parts store all within walking distance Pretty much the perfect stop for a vehicle wobble inspection with 11 people

I dropped most of the crew off at McDonalds and as they got out of the van they pointed to the flat tire An easy fix So I thought I limped it across to the gas station and parked by the air compressor (Do you find that 50 80% of those gas station compressors don’t work? On one trip I had to stop at 3 of them before finding one that worked Come on gas station guys let’s get it together please.)

I thought a flat tire would be an easy change Though I’ve never dropped my spare tire from beneath our full size van it seemed easy enough I located the jack and tools under piles of kids’ clothes, toys, crumbs, and orange peels Got the van jacked up the first time and noticed the nail in the tire Problematic but should be a quick switcheroo. However, the spare would not lower all the way so I was unable to get it out from under the van

Trip 1 to the auto parts store was to buy some vice grips to see if I could manhandle that tire down Nope My 10 year old son Sterling was at my side now and we decided if we were to figure this out we should limp the van in front of the store. Close to supplies and auto mechanical knowledge sources.

I told Sterling this was a good adventure for us I was trying to convince myself of the same thing

We paid $1.50 to pump up the tire and get the van from the gas station to the auto parts store in trip number 2. Get jack out and for the second time in an hour to jack up the van again Sterling was able to help this time so my old arms got a bit of a break Still no luck getting the spare tire out so I asked one of the auto parts employees to come out and see what he thought

This is where I learned a valuable lesson. If you have a nail in your tire and are at an auto parts store you do not have to remove the tire and put on the spare! Glorious! Trip 3 into the store was to buy a tire plug kit In about 10 minutes my new friend had popped in a plug, pulled out a little compressor and had the tire pumped up, good as new! However I still had a spare tire dangling beneath my van that was now moving neither up nor down. Trip 4 into the auto parts store was to buy a whole whack of bungee cords so Sterling and I could “secure” that spare tire hanging down there under the van I didn’t see any duct tape in the store or that would also have been a good option At some point in this process I had opened my hood and noticed my brake fluid cap missing so trip 5 into the store was to get a cap They had one in stock so that was another win! They let us clean up at the eye wash station and auto parts store bathroom during trip 6 inside and we were almost done

Sterling helped me clean up the tools, store all the things we had just purchased, we thanked God that we were blessed to stop at such a convenient spot and we loaded up the crew from McDonalds The trip continued successfully. Things dont always go as planned but that’s all part of the adventure.

Jason Weening usually gets professionals to fix his vehicles but sometimes gets help from his 9 kids and one wife For more automotive related adventures on the side of the road check out heydads.ca.

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