Review: ‘Blood and Honey’ is a sticky mess

HAMZA SAEED THRESHER STAFF

I am not an advocate of government censorship, but this movie should be criminalized. It should be a punishable offense to have been involved in the making of this movie. It shouldn’t even qualify as a movie, as it has none of the necessary elements. There is no plot, no motives, no characters, no beginning and no end. Let’s discuss this fever dream of an experience.

“Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey” begins after Christopher Robin grows up and goes to college, seemingly abandoning Pooh and their friends in the Hundred Acre Woods. Years later, Pooh and Piglet have gone feral. After eating Eeyore out of desperation, they begin hunting the locals in order to make blood-honey porridge. Their newest victims are five girls who book an Airbnb in the Hundred Acre Woods, only to discover their worst nightmare — they have to fight off Pooh and Piglet with Christopher Robin. Pooh, however, has blood-honey churning through his veins after being hit by a Ford F-150, and he murders every single character in the movie aside from Piglet (who was already beaten with a sledgehammer) and Christopher Robin. Afterwards, Christopher slowly crawls into the forest, awaiting his casting in the upcoming sequel (a punishment for our collective sins).

I hate this movie. Let’s start off with the soundtrack, which has absolutely nothing to do with what’s happening in the movie. One of the girls will announce that they are going to the bathroom, and you will experience the pitch drop equivalent of being hit by an 18-wheeler. Then, in another scene, Pooh will be stabbing someone to the tune of Facebook royalty-free music. None of the cinematography and sound decisions make sense. These decisions have a significant negative impact on both the action sequences and the attempts to create any sort of haunting atmosphere. For some reason, the director (if he is even fit to be referred to as such) chose to start every action scene with shaky-cam style footage. This choice, in combination with the fact that every cut leads to a perspective on the opposite side of the set, creates a disorienting and nauseating perspective. Every time I try to recall a scene from this movie, I feel as if I am overdosing. None of the creative decisions in this movie seem to have an underlying motive. Simply put: Why?

Just like any other clichė horror movie, the protagonists all just stand there, watching Pooh go on a brutal killing spree. They have absolutely no plan, even after rescuing Christopher Robin from the makeshift torture chamber that Pooh is holding him in, which is a horrible and disturbing plot point in itself. The characters make the objectively worst decision at every possible turn, even when there really isn’t a decision to be made. I can’t believe they even got real people to act in this movie, and the acting itself is absolutely atrocious. Despite the obvious effort behind the acting work, that in no way makes up for the incoherent rambling, inconsistent tones or terrible set design of the movie.

You really want my opinion? I think that if you watch this movie, your name should be on a list. That’s right, democracy has failed. If a country’s socioeconomic system allows for something like this to be conceived of, we can deem that country a failed state. I’m done. I’m out. Goodbye. Godspeed.

The Almond Joy

Latte with coconut, almond and chocolate

Have you been suffering from a drink slump? Have you gotten in line and spent the whole line trying to figure out what you want? Have you asked your friends what they get, trying to find inspiration, only to hear Nutty Bee and Milky Way over and over? If so, here’s a list of drinks you might not have tried to free you from that slump. This Drink of the Month from April 2022 is still a favorite of many, and it could be your new favorite too! It’s perfect for someone looking to branch out from the Milky Way to a new chocolate-bar-themed latte. It’s not overly sweet or too heavy, even when hot.

Arnold Palmer with lavender

Tea, Lemonade, Lavender

If you love sitting in the central quad, dreaming of summer and listening to Tyler, the Creator, then try this floral fresh drink. I drank half of it in five minutes, and I was transported to a cafe in a seaside town, wearing nautical stripes and cool sunglasses.

The Witchy Chai

Chai with lavender and white chocolate

If you want to feel like an indie main character, this drink is right up your alley. The lavender and white chocolate in this retired KOC of the month drink from October 2021 is perfect for walks around campus and doing ~aesthetic~ homework.

The Old Sid

Latte with almond, honey and cinnamon

Do you miss the flavor of cereal on a school morning? Do you wish you were watching cartoons instead of watching lectures? The Old Sid, a Drink of the Month from April 2022, tastes like Honey Bunches of Oats and is perfect for bringing that child-like joy everywhere you go.

Portland Fog

Earl grey with milk and rose

This simple twist on the London Fog is perfect for lovers of Taylor Swift and Maggie Rogers. You can wistfully stare out the window with this warm drink in hand, dreaming of actually getting tickets or exacting revenge on Ticketmaster.