‘it’s alright once you’re in’ - freedom from 2021 social anxiety (even for an extrovert!)

Grace Burney

Me? social anxiety? surely not! If you know me, you’ll know I love people. Mainly I love talking with – or at – them.

Last Trinity term, no word of a lie, I probably went for 15476849 covid walks with 14745748530 people.

People are great.

But sometimes people scare me. I think it was due to being stuck in my room at home for so long, with few responsibilities other than: sit behind a Zoom screen, eat, go for a walk, watch some Netflix, try not to go crazy (my family didn’t help with this one). Oh, and a law degree, but we don’t talk about that.

Now all of a sudden I have to meet new people? Go to parties where there’s 100 people and I only know 1 person? That used to be my dream; now it feels slightly more like a nightmare. But, do you know what? That’s not just because I’ll have to make small talk face to face. It’s because I’m worried they won’t like me. Or I won’t fit in. So I realised there actually WAS something I could do about it: stop feeling pressure. Let it go. Just be yourself. Remind yourself that God loves you unconditionally, and so do your loved ones. Just smile and wave – I promise it won’t be as bad as your brain tells you beforehand it will be.

It’s not just transitioning post-plague that makes this a bit tricky, it’s cool people. ‘Wait, but Grace, you’re really cool!’ I hear you say. I know, I’m cool. I literally own Yeezys (they’re fake, but you wouldn’t know). I mean, the bar of being ‘cool’ is set pretty low at Oxford (apparently brains are the new dress sense), so at least for Oxford Uni standards, I’m cool…

But I don’t often feel like I’m cool: I feel like I’m pretending. In tutorials, I pretend I did the reading and know about my subject. In social situations, I pretend I’m feeling fine and I love life and I wasn’t crying as I put my makeup on that morning.

Not with my closest friends - they see me at my worst and at my best, and (hopefully) love me at all points on the spectrum, or at least tolerate me.

But sometimes you have to pretend the water isn’t cold and just keep moving until you warm up. ‘It’s alright once you’re in’. Your brain might tell you that you should stay in bed all day, and you might need a rest, but also you might need to just cross the pain barrier and go for a walk or call a friend or do the thing you’re scared of doing.

We need to get the balance right between ‘just pull your socks up and get on with it – think less, do more’ and ‘I’m not judging you for being scared, is there anything I can do to help?’

I was going to title this ‘just keep swimming’ but that felt a bit cliché.

Another thing we don’t talk about: anxiety.

Especially in a Christian context, anxiety can be super taboo. ‘Just pray it away!’ ‘Have you read Matthew 6?’

I catch myself telling my anxious friends to worship, pray, and read their Bible. And it’s because those things help. But also, if you want to see a GP or get CBT or get medication, God’s not judging you. The God I read about in the Bible is kind and compassionate, and yes, He brings peace. He brings peace through the person of Jesus, the Holy Spirit and our communion with Him. We have to ‘seek peace and pursue it’ - to seek Him, His Kingdom, His righteousness, to give up our never-ending pursuit of perfection and pursue the only One who ever was and ever will be perfect: Jesus. But just like God sometimes brings physical healing through a miracle and sometimes through doctors and medicine, in the cliché words of christian meme pages: it’s ok to have Jesus and a therapist too. Also, PSA: mental health is a lot more similar to physical health than people think. Think about it: depression and a broken ankle have a lot more in common than you might at first realise. Yet the first has stigma and the second doesn’t. Let’s stop that.

When people used to tell me ‘I just don’t like big groups’, I used to think they were being wimps. I know, it’s bad, I’ve learnt better now.

‘His yoke is easy and His burden is light’ - so why do I keep putting heavy yokes and burdens on myself? If God isn’t anxious, and God knows more about the future than I do, I don’t need to worry. But not needing to worry doesn’t mean I won’t – but I’m working on it.

‘Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you’.

I once met this 50 year old man who was leading a church in rural India, where persecution against Christians is increasing exponentially. Many churches have been violently evicted and many pastors murdered. Safe to say, he kind of had a lot that he could be worrying about.

He told me this metaphor in story form:

A man was walking down the street carrying lots of heavy books stacked on top of his head, trying get to where he was going without letting them fall. It was ‘lowkey stressful’ (my words, not his).

A friend came driving down the road and offered him a lift.

The man got into the car, but as they drove along, he kept the holding the heavy books on his head - kept trying to balance them. He didn’t realise that he was in a car now and could have put them in the boot.

That’s kind of what it’s like with us and Jesus. We really can cast our cares on Him – He really will help us carry them. He really is capable and He really does know best. But also, He cares about our mental health just as much as He cares about our physical health – and that’s why there should not be any judgement in being honest with a doctor, a friend, a counsellor, with getting medication, therapy, and the like. Jesus told us not to worry, but he also told us not to judge. He said Himself that He came not to condemn, but to save.

2021, just like 2020, and probably any year ever, can be really stressful, saddening, difficult. ‘In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, for I (Jesus) have overcome the world’. Prayer is a weapon. God is creator, sustainer, compassionate, kind, merciful and loving. He loves you. You are more than a conqueror – but not in your own strength, only in His.

Grace is a 3rd year studying Law at Exeter College. Her hobbies include: talking about the 4 months she spent in Indonesia and/or her food intolerances, singing Hamilton and posting memes on group chats (especially cute dog memes).