Through a Glass Darkly: Volume IV Issue 1 "Out of the Darkness"

in all things

Marie-Jo Beaubrun

The bench at the back of the church is cold it is always cold, even when it is summer, even though you are warm there is buzzing around your ears and the people at the edges of your vision are indiscernible, you remove your glasses so that they are fully obscured.

There is a gorge at the deepest point of the valley, and you stood near it often. It was easier to see than the top of the mountain You saw others’ riches and your two coins and decided for what little they were worth, they were better left unspent.

~

‘Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the Sun.’

~

Israel was beautiful, the Euphrates had deep and clear waters, they twisted over grass and fed golden wheat and their dew in the morning dotted lilies like pearls.

You imagined your Mountains of Gilboa which had neither dew nor rain where no showers fell on your fields which should not be looked upon, as they were dark, light would only darken them.

As your mountains had no sun, there was no grass to be clothed, your lilies were thrown into the fire.

When imagining them, you did not need to run after worry, as worry ran after you It pursued with such intent, desired you so strongly, Like no one else had before With such deep covetous lust that you were never alone; whispers and caresses so unrelenting there was space for no one else.

~

She died on a Sunday.

You lie down near your gorge; frost formed on the hard ground. There were splinters in the church bench, and they hurt.

~

Lord what grows from dry ground, What can you plant in a desert?

How is my walk to be blameless oh Lord, when I cannot take a single step. I cannot imagine that you care, when I know sleep but I do not know rest.

How long Lord must I sit in your house when I cannot feel your warmth? I have tasted but I have not seen I have eaten the fruits of the earth and felt the work of human hands, and I am still empty.

I can hear songs of your praises but I cannot sing them for my voice is gone, and I am afraid that even when it is back it will be broken, it will be a sound of sorrow and screeching of nails. You cannot use one like me.

~

‘In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us’1

~

‘It is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’2

~

The Israel which God made was beautiful, the Euphrates had deep and clear waters, they twisted over grass fields and fed golden wheat and their dew in the morning dotted lilies like pearls

He took abundant rivers, that were overflowing, Rich and sweet and made tributaries that fed your dry mouth.

He took bench splinters with jagged ends and mottled grain: crude and rough and unwanted wood dug into cuts made by human hands That have crevices and corners that are too deep and too nuanced and too complex to heal

And he made a house, And he built a castle, And he erected a temple where the ceilings are so high and the walls are so wide that you can look up raise your head from the cold hard ground of your valley, where worry still whispers but creation groans awaiting splendour and the Glory of His Majesty.

You still cry but, you can breathe.

~

For a long time, the bench at the back of church was cold, you put your glasses back on A jacket was placed on you and it was warm, A hug was even warmer.

You still cannot see the top of the mountain, but you can see the foothills at its base With Him you get up and walk.

~

In all things, God is good.

Marie-Jo is a 4th year studying Biochemistry at St Anne’s College. If she’s not with people or weightlifting you can find her doing one of many random hobbies.