Jokers Wild

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender. “ Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little shite, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do all of that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” That I did,” said Paddy. “His wife, Kelly O’Conner’s titty, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.” -------------------------------------------------------------A blonde is sitting on a bed in an E.R. examination room after a fender bender and the Doctor walks in and leans on the wall while reading her chart. He closes her chart and pulls out his phone to answer a few work related texts. After about 5 minutes the blonde is feeling rather annoyed and asks, “So what’s going on Doctor?” The Doc replies, “Oh, I apologize, we’re just waiting on your x-ray.” The blonde replies, “But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.” -------------------------------------------------------------An older and wiser businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his much, much younger, lovely wife would have a difficult time being faithful while he was gone so he decided to go to a sex shop to find something to entertain his young wife. An even wiser and older Chinese man listened to his dilemma, reached under the counter and produced an ancient, beautifully carved box where inside was a bright red dildo. He told the businessman it was called VooDoo Dick. He commanded ‘Voo Doo Dick, the door!” VooDoo Dick flew thru the air and started screwing the keyhole. The wise man yelled ‘VooDoo Dick” return to your home.” It floated back into it’s box. The businessman took it home and told his wife the command of “VooDoo Dick, My Vagina!”. He departed for his trip w/o telling her the ‘Return to Home’ command. When she 1st used it VooDoo Dick screwed her for two hours straight and the woman barely made it to her car to drive to the E.R. but was having orgasms while driving to the hospital and swaying all over the road. A big burly cop pulled her over and asked “just how much have you had to drink blondie? You’re driving like a cut monkey”. She quickly explained about her husband’s gift of the VooDoo Dick and what happened at home while VooDoo Dick was still in her crotch and she was twitching away. The cop threw back his head and laughed and laughed and saiid, “Wow blondie, this is going to be the best arrest story of the year at the bar tonight! That’s one helluva doozie....VooDoo Dick My Ass!” --------------------------------------------------------------Knock Knock Who’s there? Irish! Irish who? Irish you a truly happy St Patty’s Day! --------------------------------------------------------------An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church. “Father,” he confessed, “it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Pussie Green twice last month.” The Priest told the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.” Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional, “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Pussie Green twice a week for the past two months.” This time, the Priest questioned, “Who is this Pussie Green?” “A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replied. “Very well,” sighed the Priest, “go and say ten Hail Mary’s.” At mass the next Christmas morning, as the Priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front the Priest. Her dress was bright green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The Priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes whom sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any panties. The Priest whispered out the side of his mouth to the altar boy, “Would that be Pussie Green then?” The altar boy replied with all honesty, “Father, I believe that’s just the reflection off her shoes!”