Life just not going your way?
MN MINUTE Laugh a Minute
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“You Pull It� lot
Minnesotans have great capacity to laugh. Here are a few about a couple of famous "Minnesnowta" couples.
Sven & Ole:
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Vicki Langemo 763-270-0962
Coon Rapids Office Positive and Empowering Counseling Therapies betterlifetoday.net
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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice. The clerk asks her, “What do you want it to say?� “Ole died.� The clerk looks up. “What else?� “Nothing else.� “But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don’t you want to say anything else about him?� “Nope.� The clerk thinks a minute. “You know, Lena, it won’t cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price.� “Ten words, and it won’t cost extra?� she asks. The clerk nods. Lena thinks hard, then says, “Ole died. Boat for sale.�
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One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?" Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy-such and such he vasgonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!!
The doctor tells Ole he only has a few days left to live. Ole thinks a little, looks hard at Lena, and says, “Lena, promise me. Swear to me that when I’m gone, you’ll marry Sven Svenson.� “SVEN SVENSON???� she shrieks. “You’ve hated him all your life!� Ole answers, “Yep, I still do.�
Strategy. Picture it.
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Sven and Ole are visiting a relative in Texas. While walking along the street, they see a sign on a store front which reads: Suits $5.00 each Shirts $2.00 each Trousers $2.50 per pair Sven says to his pal, "Hey Ole! We could buy a whole lot of dem and ven ve get back to Minnesota, ve could sell them and make a fortune." "Now ven ve go into the shop, yust let me do all da talkin' cause if dey hear your Minnesota accent dey might tink ve are dumb Norwegians and try ta raise da price. But, I can speak with a perfect Texas drawl." They go in, and Sven drawls out an order of 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pair of trousers at $2.50 each. The owner of the shop says "You're Norwegians from Minnesota, aren't you?" "Uff Da!" Says a surprised Sven. "How'd you know dat?" The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners."
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Ole & Lena:
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■ On Oct. 30, 1893, the World’s Columbian Exposition closes in Chicago. Fairgoers were offered a chance to see the first gaspowered motorcar, an alternating-current power plant, a 46-foot-long cannon, a 1,500-pound Venus de Milo made of chocolate, and Juicy Fruit gum.
smelting plant had released excessive amounts of sulfuric acid, carbon monoxide and other pollutants into the atmosphere. Over a five-day period, the smog killed some 20 people and made thousands more seriously ill. ■ On Oct. 31, 1950, 21-year-old Earl Lloyd becomes the first black man to play in an NBA game when he takes the court in the season opener for the Washington Capitols. The Capitols had picked him in the ninth round of the draft. After seven games with the Capitols, Lloyd was drafted into the military and sent to Korea for two years.
■ On Nov. 4, 1922, British archaeologist Howard Carter and his workmen discover a stone sarcophagus containing three coffins nested within each other. Inside the final coffin, which was made of solid gold, was the mummy of the boy-king Tutankhamen, preserved for more than 3,000 years. ■ On Nov. 7, 1776, Congress chooses Richard Bache to succeed his father-in-law, Benjamin Franklin, as ■ On Nov. 3, 1930, the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel postmaster general. Franklin invested nearly 40 years between the United States and Canada is officially in the establishment of a reliable system of delivering opened to auto traffic. Each end of the tunnel had a mail. He was fired in 1774 for opening and publishing 100-foot-tall ventilation tower; each tower held 12 huge Massachusetts Royal Governor Thomas Hutchinson’s fans, six for pumping fresh air into the tunnel and six correspondence. for exhaust. The tunnel’s ventilation system still works just as well today as it did 80 years ago. ■ On Nov. 10, 1928, the first installment of “All Quiet on the Western Front,” Erich Maria Remarque’s ■ On Oct. 29, 1948, a killer smog continues to hover acclaimed novel of World War I, is first published in over Donora, Pa. The town’s steel mills and a zinc serial form. Remarque’s realistic depiction of trench
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• The secret to Kingda Ka’s thrill is all in the launch sequence. Whereas KINGDA KA standard older roller coasters employ (continued): a cable system which slowly and laboriously winches a car to the top of a hill, the Kingda Ka uses space-age hydraulic engineering to launch a car in exactly the same sort of way an aircraft is launched from an aircraft carrier, with similar thrust and G-forces involved. The system is basically a high tech catapult, with a giant hydraulic launch system delivering 12,500 horsepower in a single colossal blast – twelve times the horse power of a Formula One race car. Eight military grade 500-horsepower hydraulic motors – which took a year to construct – charge up the accumulators, forcing hydraulic fluid into the chambers under great pressure. When a trigger is pulled, the pressure is released and the car is launched at rocket speed. It’s similar in many ways to blowing up a balloon and then letting it go. Kingda Ka is one of only two roller coasters in the world that uses this technology. The experience has been compared to being in a jet fighter, or being a drag racer.
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• It takes only ten seconds to go from launch to being 456 feet in the air on top of the tower. • The highest point of the ride is 45 stories tall, which is about 4/5ths the height of the Washington Monument. It’s tall enough that the entire Statue of Liberty would fit under the main arch with 100 feet to spare. • On foggy days, you can’t see the top of the tower from the bottom. • The ride cost $25 million to construct. • The entire track is just over 1,000 yards long. • Fittingly enough, the very first passengers were the engineers who built it. • The braking system, done with magnetic fields generated by 473 magnets, means there’s no friction to wear parts out. It’s silent, efficient, and fail-safe. • The roller coaster has four cars, and each car seats 18 passengers. About 1,400 people per hour take the ride. So where should you sit to get the best ride? Depends on what you’re looking for. Sitting in the very back of a coaster train yields the wildest ride since the last car is being pulled by the weight of the tcars, making for some nice whipping action, especially if they are long trains on steep hills. However, sitting in the front has
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■ On Nov. 9, 1965, the biggest power failure in U.S. history occurs as all of New York state, and parts of seven neighboring states and eastern Canada are plunged into darkness. The blackout during the evening rush hour trapped 800,000 people in New York’s subways and stranded thousands more in office buildings and elevators. ■ On Nov. 6, 1977, the earthen Toccoa Falls Dam in northeastern Georgia gives way, and 39 people die in the resulting flood. A volunteer fireman had inspected the dam and found everything in order just hours before it suddenly failed, sending water approaching speeds of 120 mph thundering down the canyon and creek. (c) 2012 King Features Synd., Inc.
benefits too. The very first car will hang over the first drop waiting for the rest of the cars to crest the hill before the big plunge. Front cars also have better low-G moments when the train is going over the top of low hill, leading to better stomachlifting airtime. The ride is usually smoothest in the middle of the train, a good spot for beginners.
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warfare from the perspective of young soldiers was eventually translated into more than 20 languages. ■ On Nov. 8, 1951, Yankees catcher Yogi Berra is voted the American League’s most valuable player for the first time in his career. He went on to be the league MVP twice more, in 1954 and 1955.
• Two weeks after the grand opening, a bolt unexpectedly sheered off, damaging the brake system. Custom-made bolts were ordered and installed to fix the problem and prevent it from happening again. • In 2009, the roller coaster was struck by lighting in the middle of the night when the park was closed. It suffered serious damage and was closed for repairs. • Because it is so close to the Jersey Shore, the coaster is capable of withstanding hurricane force winds. Nevertheless, damage occurred during Hurricane Irene in 2011, and the ride was closed for repairs once again. • No one has ever been killed while riding the Kingda Ka. The odds of being injured on an amusement park ride are 1 in 23 million. According to the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission, in 1999 over 600,000 people were injured on bikes, just under 100,000 on trampolines, nearly 50,000 while using golf equipment, while 7,260 were injured on amusement park rides, and only 138 of those people needed to be hospitalized. Most injuries are due to people failing to follow rules rather than equipment failure. OUCH! • Kingda Ka does not operate when it’s raining, because being hit by raindrops at 128 mph is not fun.
G-FORCE FACTS
Normal earth gravity has a g force of 1. Astronauts in orbit float around in zero g’s. Jet pilots black out at 10 g’s. On a roller coaster, g forces decrease on the way down a hill (making you feel lighter) and increase on the way up (making you feel heavier). At 3 g’s a 100-lb person feels like they weigh 300 lbs. On the way down a hill riders may feel 0 g’s, although most coasters only go down to about .2 g’s, making a 100lb. person weigh 20 lbs. A typical roller coaster offers a maximum of 3.5 g’s. More than that makes the ride too much. That’s about the same g forces as astronauts feel during a space shuttle launch. Three coasters outside the U.S. generate over 6.5 g’s.
ONE-UPPED
Kingda Ka was the world's fastest roller coaster until Formula Rossa opened in Abu Dhabi in November 2010, which reaches a speed of 150 mph, reaching that speed in 4.9 seconds following launch. The hydraulic launch system is identical to the one used on the Kingda Ka. However, Kingda Ka still retains the title of the world's tallest roller coaster.
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: 0DLQ 6W Ă $QRND ZZZ WRPVUDGLDWRU FRP ▲ Ever grabbed a marker to write a note on a dryerase white board and found that it wouldn’t wipe off? To remove by JoAnn DDerson permanent marker from a white board, try using a pencil eraser. Rub lightly on the marker areas only, working from the outside in. It should come off.
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▲ To sharpen scissors, fold over several layers of Clean your bathtub or shower - Remove dirt and aluminum foil and cut into strips. built-up soap scum around your bathtub or shower stall by wiping surfaces with 1 teaspoon baby oil on a moist Send your tips to Now Here’s a Tip, c/o King Features cloth. Use another cloth to wipe away any leftover oil. Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853- Finally, spray the area with a disinfectant cleaner to kill 6475 or e-mail JoAnn at heresatip@yahoo.com. any remaining germs. This technique is also great for cleaning soap film and watermarks off glass shower (c) 2012 King Features Synd., Inc. doors.
USES FOR BABY OIL â–˛ Rusty bicycle handles can be unsightly and a pain. Make a paste of salt and lemon juice (3 parts salt, 1 part lemon juice), and use it to rub the rust away with Remove a bandage - You can eliminate—or at least, a dry cloth. significantly lessen—the “ouchâ€? factor, and subsequent tears, when removing a youngster’s bandage by first â–˛ “If you have magazines or books you have finished rubbing some baby oil into the adhesive parts on top reading, perhaps you’d consider donating them to local and around the edges. If you see the bandage working seniors centers. Look in the yellow pages to see if there loose, let the child finish the job to help him overcome are any near you. Often, the seniors are grateful to have his fear. Adults who have sensitive or fragile skin may new reading material.â€? -- T.C. in Florida also want to try this.
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Get scratches off dashboard plastic - You can disguise scratches on the plastic lens covering the odometer and other indicators on your car’s dashboard by rubbing over them with a bit of baby oil. Make your own bath oil - Do you have a favorite perfume or cologne? You can literally bathe in it by making your own scented bath oil. Simply add a few drops of your scent of choice to 1/4 cup baby oil in a small plastic bottle. Shake well, and add it to your bath.
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THE TROUBLE WITH VANILLA ICE CREAM
APE INTELLIGENCE • Primates are profoundly intelligent, and one of the ways they display this is in the many creative ways they find to escape from their enclosures. Consider the following stories: • In a Texas zoo, an orangutan foiled the electric fence and managed to escape by grabbing clumps of grass in order to create an insulating mitten, then climbing over the electrified wires without being shocked. • When a worker at the Washington National Zoo mistakenly left several large barrels in the enclosure housing several orangutans, one of the ingenious animals, named Bonnie, simply stacked the barrels up and climbed over the fence, followed by her companions, and then liberated a picnic basket from a shocked tourist. When zookeepers found her, she was calmly munching on some fried chicken and drinking orange juice. • Jonathan, an orangutan at the Los Angeles Zoo, was an escape artist. Keepers designed a new outdoor area for him, then invited media and dignitaries to watch while Jonathan was released into the area to explore it. Jonathan, on entering the new play area, took one look around, uprooted a nice tree that had been planted for his pleasure, leaned it against the wall, and climbed over the wall as keepers, dignitaries, and visitors watched. Later, while being held in an escape-proof exhibit, he entertained himself by taking burlap bags he’d been given to play with and whipping them through the bars of his cage, snagging steam pipes along the wall and pulling them loose. When keepers removed the bags and gave him a cardboard box instead, he ripped the box up, made spikes out of the cardboard, and used them to break the ceiling lights. • Fu Manchu was an orangutan in the Omaha Zoo. One day in 1968, a zoo worker ran to the head curator to report that Fu Manchu and all the other orangutans had escaped from their outdoor enclosure and were hanging out in the trees nearby. After coaxing the animals back into their cage, the curator investigated, and found an access door had evidently been left unlocked. He chewed out the staff and locked the door. Several days later, the
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The Advertisers you see in Tidbits bring you this paper. Let them know you Read it. Visit them. Buy Something. orangutans escaped again, and again the curator found the access door unlocked. “I was getting ready to fire someone,” he reported. Several days later, a breathless keeper came running up to the curator insisting he had to come quick and witness what Fu Manchu was doing. The curator watched as Fu Manchu produced a piece of stiff wire, slid it between the access door and the casing, slipped the latch, and popped the door open. He escaped, followed by the rest of the orangutan clan. Now that they knew how the escapes were happening, the question was where the wire was coming from. Investigation revealed something shiny in Fu Manchu’s mouth. The wire, bent into the shape of his jaw, was hidden between his lip and gum. After this story got considerable publicity in the papers, the American Association of Locksmiths made Fu Manchu an honorary member. IT’S A FACT •Orangutans are among the most intelligent primates and routinely use tools. •Orangutans have a natural ability to tie knots. •‘Orang-utan’ is Indonesian for ‘person of the forest’. •Because of human activity and poaching, oranutans are now critically endangered in the wild.
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts… A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: “This is the second time I have written you, and I don’t blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we’ve eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It’s also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won’t start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I’m serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds. What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?” The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously welleducated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn’t start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man’s
car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn’t start when it took less time. Once time became the problem — not the vanilla ice cream — the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Bits that Bite COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONG TITLES IF MY NOSE WERE FULL OF NICKELS, I’D BLOW IT ALL ON YOU IF THE PHONE DON’T RING, BABY, YOU’LL KNOW IT’S ME IF YOU LEAVE ME, CAN I COME TOO? MAMA GET THE HAMMER (THERE’S A FLY ON PAPA’S HEAD)
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The Reluctant Psychic MEDIUM RARE
I’ve been known to tell people that psychic’s are fairly common, but Medium’s are rare. Rare might not be there correct word, but they are harder to come across than a psychic. The thing about Medium’s that people tend not to understand is that we can’t demand that spirits come through. I have had many, many people sit down across from me and say, “I want to talk to my Grandma.� This request always makes me smile. I’d like to talk to mine also, but I don’t get to “conjure� anyone up. Medium’s don’t have any control over who comes through during a reading. The only thing we can do is sit back and hope that we get activity. We can mentally request that a spirit come through, but if they aren’t ready or willing, there is nothing that can be done about it. Something else that always strikes me interesting, is when people wonder if the spirit remembers earthly things. “Do you remember your nick-name for me?� “Do you remember where we went the summer before you died?� I understand that these are ways that the client is using to try to get a confirmation from me that this is who I say it is. Something I’d like everyone to understand is, spirits can’t be controlled by
Page 6
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us. They will give a confirmation of something you aren’t asking for. I’ve never had a spirit answer a direct question like the ones above. They are very independent. The other thing I’d love for everyone to understand is that once we pass over we are not on another version of earth. Just because we loved to play golf when we were alive does not mean we are going to spend eternity playing golf in a spiritual realm. We no longer have a want or need to do the leisurely things we did when we were alive. We have moved on to spiritual things. This information frequently disappoints people. It’s as though they were waiting to enjoy U if !! fmvdubou! tzdijd life after they’d died. I’m planning to enjoy life while I’m here. I hope you do too. I am always sad to see the expressions of people who learn ♌ Psychic that their loved one is not fishing or dancing or doing whatever their passion had been. It is one ♌ Medium of the harder realities people have to deal with ♌ Healer during a reading. Thank you for your interest and ♌ Classes attention. If you’d like to have a reading please contact me. Till next time, stay in touch with yourself, your life, and with those loved ones 763-576-5134 who have moved on. ROBINALLEN.NET rachelkphoto.com
S
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Volunteer for an Acne Study
Volunteers, ages 12 to 40 are wanted for an investigational drug research study that will compare topical study medications for the treatment of acne.
If you or your child has 20 or more pimples on your face, we have a 12-Week study that you or your child may qualify for.
All participants are seen by a board certified Dermatologist No cost study related evaluations
Are Your Toenails Discolored and Thick? If so, you may have Toenail Fungus.
The Minnesota Clinical Study Center would like you to call about a research study of an investigational drug for people with toenail fungus. To Qualify you should: • Be 18 to 70 years of age; • Have at least one big toenail affected with fungus; • Be willing to attend 15 clinic visits over 52 weeks; • Be willing to apply a topical investigational drug for 48 weeks
Qualified participants will be reimbursed for time and travel
Participants will be compensated for their time and travel.
Parental (or legal guardian) consent is required
All study related evaluations will be done by a board certified Dermatologist.
for all participants under the age of 18.
Please Call 763-502-2941
Please Call 763-502-2941
Steven Kempers, M.D.
Steven Kempers, M.D.
7205 University Ave. N.E.
7205 University Ave. N.E.
Fridley, MN 55432
Fridley, MN 55432
Steven Kempers, M.D.
763-502-2941
Minnesota Clinical Study Center 7205 University Ave. N.E.
Fridley, MN 55432
763-792-1125 - WWW.TIDBITSTWINCITIES.COM
Page 7
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********************* Thought for the Day: “Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament.” -- George Santayana
● If you’re planning a trip to Lima, Peru, you might want to add Puente de Piedra to your sightseeing list. Though the Spanish name means “Bridge of Stone,” the span is popularly known as the Bridge of Eggs. Legend has it that in 1608, the builders the used the whites of 10,000 seabird eggs in the mortar that holds the stones together.
● Those who study such things say that if all the gold in the world were combined in one lump, it would result in a cube that measures 20 yards on each side.
● In this season of bitter partisan rivalries, it would be well to remember the following sage observation: “Do not trust to the cheering, for those persons would cheer just as much if you and I were going to be hanged.” The man who first made that observation was Lord Protector of England Oliver Cromwell, considered by some to be a hero of liberty, by others to be a regicidal dictator. He died in 1658, probably from septicemia. He was so reviled that, three years later, his body was exhumed so that he could be posthumously executed, his body thrown into a pit and his head displayed on a pole outside Westminster Hall.
● Having trouble with your teenager? It’s a worldwide problem, it seems -- though not always for the same reasons. In 2004, a 13-year-old boy in India ran away from home, declared that he was a Hindu holy man and founded a monastery. His parents arranged for him to be kidnapped and brought back home.
● The creator of the ubiquitous smiley face earned a grand total of $45 for his creative effort.
● Everyone knows that a sophomore is someone in his or her second year of high school or college. Most people don’t realize, though, that the word is derived from the Greek words “sophos,” which means “wise,” and “moros,” which means “stupid.”
● If you grew up during a certain era in the United States, you are probably familiar with the board game Parcheesi. If you have a particularly good memory, you may recall that the game’s subtitle is “The Royal Game of India.” You may not realize, though, that the game is so-called because royalty in India used to play a life-size version of the game in gardens specially designed for the pursuit. Centuries ago, rajas would dress members of their harems in brightly colored costumes and use them as game pieces.
by Samantha Weaver
763-381-2884 Lora.Homuth@FlexRealtyLLC.com
148 Osborne Rd à Fridley
AFTER
www.maacofridley.com
7-30-2012
(5th Ave & East River Road)
►►
The Trilogy
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P r iv a te A v a il To u r s a b le By Appo in t m e nt
Order by phone 763-792-1125
(includes tax, shipping & handling)
Books I, II, & III Onlyy $45 for the Set
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WANT TO RUN YOUR OWN BUSINESS? Publish a Paper in Your Area
Continued Pg. 2
A team of seven people went to California in order to set the world record for the most roller coasters ridden in 24 hours. The group rode on 40 different roller coasters at eight different amusement parks in California, starting at 5:00 p.m. on October 14, 2000 and ending at 5:00 p.m. the next day. Come along with Tidbits as we ride the world’s tallest coaster! • From the days of the first roller coaster ride to today, a competition to build the tallest, longest, scariest roller coaster on earth has pushed the industry forward into new realms. In 2004, this competition spurred Six Flags Great Adventure theme park in New Jersey to announce that they were building the highest and fastest roller coaster on earth. They named it Kingda Ka, after the 535-pound Bengal tiger who resides at the park, although some people joke that “Kingda Ka” is actually Swahili for “OhMyGawd what a ride!” • In 2005, Kingda Ka opened for business, claiming the title of both the fastest and the tallest roller coaster on the planet. The coaster cars rocket to the top of a 456-foot tower, accelerating from 0 to 128 mph within 3.5 seconds, before a stomach-clenching corkscrew drop back down to earth. A second 13-story hill gives riders a few moments of weightlessness before the ride is over, less than 60 seconds after it began.
by Janet Spencer
TIDBITS® RIDES A ROLLER COASTER
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