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Opinion
Leibo At Large
Legislature outdoes its usual nonsensical self with sex ed BY DAVID LEIBOWITZ
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MARCH 2022
When I was a kid, the fastest way to get me to read a book was to tell me it was too mature for my young eyes. I passed many nights sneaking peeks at my mom’s Harold Robbins novels to find the sexy parts. And there wasn’t a kid in my middle school who couldn’t recite by heart from Page 85 of Judy Blume’s teen lit classic, “Forever.” You know, the page where Michael introduces Katharine to his manhood, which he has inexplicably named … Ralph. Speaking of members, this brings us to the Arizona Legislature, which may have done more to encourage teen reading than any governmental body in America. Last year, it passed House Bill 2035, a racy little number that made Arizona the fifth state in America to mandate parents opt-in to sex education for their kids. Had the measure stopped there, I would have been OK with it, but this being our Legislature – where common sense is not so common – they had to go just a bit further. HB 2035 also requires school governing boards to “adopt procedures to notify parents in advance and provide them the opportunity to withdraw their children from any instruction or presentations regarding sexuality” – even outside sex ed class. Which brings us to one local school district’s strenuous efforts to warn parents – about, among other things, kids cooking chicken breasts. Times Media reporter Ken Sain detailed The Great Poultry Alert. To comply with the state edict, the Chandler Unified School District Governing Board in December passed a new opt-in policy concerning materials that might be deemed sexual. Sain quoted Chandler High teacher Caroline Sheridan, who told the governing board: “I teach English and I teach criminal justice,” she explained. “Somehow I found out I need permission slips before I can teach, ‘Of Mice and Men,’ ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ ‘Othello,’ ‘To Kill a Mockingbird.’ I can’t teach about Emmett Till without a permission slip. Of course, this makes no sense.”
In January, the Permission Slip Police also sent home an opt-in form to parents of cooking students learning to prepare chicken breasts. District spokesman Terry Locke told Sain this was “a misinterpretation of the legislative statute” which “was corrected and did not apply to the context or content.” Thank goodness the curriculum didn’t include a recipe for sticky buns. Of course, the Legislature is hardly done with the issue. This new session has seen a number of sex education bills, including a measure to change the opt-in requirement back to an opt-out requirement. There’s a bill that will require a parent’s written permission before a student can participate in “any school student group or club involving sexuality, gender or gender identity.” And there’s a bill – no doubt dead on arrival – that not only would make sex ed an opt-out class, but would also allow teachers to “discuss populations that historically have been more vulnerable to sexual abuse and assault, such as the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning community and the disability community.” Finally, there’s a bill that would forbid educators, restaurant workers and grocery store employees from “referring to certain foodstuffs and edible materials using language that may be construed to convey a sexual connotation.” Among the terms set to be joining “chicken breasts” as no longer be permissible, as spelled out in statute? Chicken “breasts.” Pork “butt.” Hot dog “buns.” The phrase “finger foods.” And Denny’s has been put on notice that diners will no longer be allowed to order the “Moons Over My Hammy.” OK, I made that last bill up. But with this group of elected geniuses, it absolutely could have been real. They’re just that … nuts. David Leibowitz has called the Valley home since 1995. Contact david@leibowitzsolo.com.
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