ADVICE GODDESS

NEEDY GONZALES

I’ve saved some of your columns about how women evolved to seek successful men who seem commitment-minded (more likely to stick around and provide). I’ve noticed that women in pop culture (movies and books I’ve read) constantly choose the bad boy (the “jerk”) over the guy next door (the “nice guy”). This doesn’t seem to make sense, given a woman’s evolutionary desire to find a mate who a) won’t leave her and b) will provide for her offspring. Do the “jerks” get the girl, or does it just seem that way? — Curious

Though some women go through a bad boy phase – sometimes for decades – women, in general, aren’t seeking a “jerk” but a man whose assertiveness role model isn’t a plastic container of hummus. Bad boys, in the extreme, are feral, rule-breaking, narcissistic rebels with the air of someone who’s been in prison – or probably should be. Women of course don’t make “My Perfect Man” checklists like: “Lying, womanizing, bar-fighting jailbird who’ll put $2K in booze and strippers on my debit card.”

However, the fictional women you bring up are a special category and choose bad boys for good reason. Consider the novelist’s challenge: keeping the reader’s attention. This takes conflict – constant obstacles to a character getting what they want. If a fictional woman does get a “happily ever after” – the bad boy realizes he can’t live without her and vows to go good – it can’t come in Chapter Two.

Over here in real life, there’s this idea that only “damaged” women choose bad boys. Nuh-uh. In fact, many strong, emotionally together women are drawn, at least initially, to the bad boy – though not because he’s bad.

“Bad boys tend to have lots of positive traits that come along for the ride” with the badness, cognitive scientist Scott Barry Kaufman explains. “When women say they like ‘bad boys,’ they seem to mean ... men who are exciting”: extroverted, fearlessly assertive, unpredictable thrill-providers. In short: Women don’t want jerks; they want guys who aren’t boring. Bad boys are also fiercely masculine, and there’s nothing that makes a woman feel uber-feminine like her polar opposite.

Women don’t lust after these renegade misfits because they’re into being mistreated. In fact, evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller notes that, “Around the world, women list ‘kindness’ as one of the most desired traits in a boyfriend” (in a massive global study by evolutionary psychologist David Buss). Miller drills down on the sort of kindness that’s the biggest draw: “Displays of real altruism – empathy, thoughtfulness, generosity and selfsacrifice.”

That said, the motivation behind this matters. The lady-pleasing guy gives to make things better for others who are struggling. The needy beta boy gives to get, hoping he can bribe a woman into wanting him by becoming her never-say-no chore slave. In other words, though “nice guys” lament that they’re just too considerate, generous, and decent to get the girl, they’re wrong. It isn’t nice guys women reject, but overly nice guys: weaselly suck-ups who need the companion app to “Find My iPhone,” “Find Me Testicles!”

Bad boys have special appeal for two groups of women: women who just want some hot hookuppy fun and women with high levels of “sensation seeking.” The term, coined by social psychologist Marvin Zuckerman, describes a personality trait marked by a longing for novel, varied, intense experiences and a willingness to take risks to have them.

Certain contexts -– like war, famine or constant gang violence – can shift bad boys into consideration as possible romantic partners. Evolutionary anthropologist Jeffrey Snyder and his colleagues find that “the greater a woman’s self-perceived vulnerability to violent crime,” the stronger her preference for a mate who can protect her: a big scary-dude human hammer other men know better than to tussle with. However, that preference “can be a double-edged sword,” because “the use of aggression for personal gain outside of the home is one predictor of partner abuse.” Ultimately, the answer to your question, “Do the jerks get the girls?” is: Often, yes – often temporarily. Bad boy qualities like narcissism – playing out in selfishness, attention-seeking, and an overblown view of one’s own greatness – are obviously undesirable in a long-term relationship. However, narcissists rule at first impressions, exuding confidence and charisma and drawing on what psychologist Gregory Louis Carter describes as a “‘used-car dealer’ ability to charm and manipulate.” The dark side isn’t without a bright side. Bad boys often become teaching tools for the women who’ve been burned by them – though the takeaway is not “Just gotta find me a wimpy suck-up” but to hold out for a strong, confident man with signs of good character. (The meek, sadly, will inherit the trowel – and the privilege of drywalling a woman’s house while she’s off having sex with the guy who tried to cheat on her with her sister.)

ACROSS

1 Heat in “The

Heat” 6 Pickle piece 11 Eschew 15 On its way 19 Scouting party? 20 2018 CVS Health acquisition 21 Prepare to be shot? 22 x, y and z, in math 23 Song in which

Pat Benatar challenges the owner of an aquarium? (1980) 27 Trapped by a winter storm 28 It’s not an option 29 Split in two 30 Song in which

The Beatles say goodbye to a girl on a big bird? (1965) 35 Zipped 36 IRS exam 37 Tokyo, once 38 Peruvian pronoun 39 Gibbons on TV 41 Answered an invite 43 Song in which

Johnny Rivers unmasks a Far

East spy? (1966) 49 Puritan pronoun 50 Judge’s seat 52 Release money 53 Big pitcher 54 Like some office jobs 58 Checkout task 59 Bit of sediment 60 Song in which

Peter Gabriel bakes a simianshaped dessert? (1982) 64 Volkswagen model 65 Veracruz neighbor 66 Ending with calc and sod 67 “Amen” 68 Drag racer’s fuel,

briefly 69 Song in which the Plastic Ono

Band promotes legumes? (1969) 75 Good card for lowball 76 Explorer

Hernando de __ 77 Former renter 78 Oral health org. 79 Tool in a wheeled bucket 81 Polite address 82 Biblical twin 86 Song in which

Culture Club dons lizard costumes to teach punctuation? (1983) 90 Nickname for Chicago’s Ernie

Banks 91 Pretentious 92 Ewe wish? 93 Apt name for a chef? 95 “We __ the

World” 96 Mid-calf pants 99 Song in which

The Clash knocks over a wedding reception? (1982) 103 Ninja Turtles’ ally

April __ 104 Pension __ 106 Pablo’s “precise” 107 Song in which

AC/DC plays nasty tricks on livestock? (1976) 114 Actress Watson 115 Nabisco cookie 116 Home on the range 117 Calculus pioneer 118 Negotiation ender 119 Ballroom basic 120 Remove 121 Brontë sister

DOWN

1 Ultimate degree 2 Singer Grande’s debut fragrance 3 Hogwash 4 Larry the Cable

Guy, for one 5 Dotted (with) 6 Declined 7 Small, at the

Sorbonne 8 Culture: Pref. 9 Even one 10 ’90s Indian prime minister 11 Jag 12 Crossed-fingers sentiment 13 Yard sale adjective 14 Hoops hanger 15 Very hot and dry 16 Glorify 17 Chutzpah 18 Expressed disdain for 24 Neaten the garden, perhaps 25 Scandal, to a politician, perhaps 26 Captain Marvel’s magic word 30 E-commerce icon 31 “Quiet!” 32 “If only __ known ... ” 33 Tape deck button 34 Leb. neighbor 35 __ Sanders, only athlete to play in both the Super

Bowl and World

Series 39 Jousting weapon 40 Homework assignment 42 South American pig relative 43 Vexed state 44 “__ homo” 45 Job 46 Mink cousin 47 Acid type found in vinegar 48 Cancel out 50 Composer Bartók 51 Altar in the sky 55 In __ parentis 56 French friend 57 Jeweler’s tool 59 Con, half the time 60 Cold relief brand 61 High style, maybe 62 It can take a yoke 63 Truth or

Consequences st. 64 Father of Julian

Lennon 67 Con job 69 Some black-clad teens 70 “Possibly” 71 “Va-va-__!” 72 Prefix with sphere 73 Half-brother of

Julian Lennon 74 Santa __ winds 76 Splinter groups 79 With suspicion 80 Argentine icons 83 Worker during a walkout 84 Ambiance 85 Ride provider 87 Kind of vows 88 Chocolate __ 89 First responder:

Abbr. 90 Rave review word 93 Rake over the coals 94 Sinaloa street snack 96 Like apps 97 Cartoon genre 98 Prefix with frost 99 Odorless basement hazard 100 Temporary tattoo dye 101 C-suite VIPs 102 “Meh” 104 Major quinoa producer 105 Creepy look 108 Web address component 109 Hip-hop Dr. 110 Propeller with just one blade 111 Philanthropist

Broad 112 Fish that may be jellied 113 Meddle

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need to sell the home or otherwise repay the loan balance. V2021.06.21 HYBRID NMLS# 9392 (www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org). American Advisors Group (AAG) is headquartered at 18200 Von Karman Ave., Suite 300, Irvine, CA 92612. Licensed in 49 states. Please go to www.aag.com/legal-information for full state license information. These materials are not from HUD or FHA and were not approved by HUD or a government agency.