6 minute read
ADVICE GODDESS
ACROSS
1 Beat decisively 5 Evoke an “Eww!,” maybe 13 Venetian
Renaissance painter 19 He played Klaatu in “The Day the
Earth Stood Still” (2008) 20 Inferior accommodations 21 Common cone color 22 All caps in an angry blog? 24 Glutinous 25 Christmas in
Rome 26 Etna output 27 Nonsense 29 Artist friend of
Dalí 30 They usually have frames 32 “Untoward behavior shall call for appropriate countermeasures,” e.g.? 36 Trig function 37 Word with tax or
L.A. 41 __ martini 42 Put away 43 Fruity, so to speak 44 Absorbs, with
“up” 46 Barfly 47 Wiseacre mom and dad? 53 Hider’s hissed revelation 55 Biblical spy 56 Means 59 Skilled at painting, say 63 Type of dog that does origami? 69 Perjurious testimony 70 81-Down friend 71 Astonish 72 23rd Greek letter 73 Capital NNW of
Copenhagen 74 Farsi editor’s mark? 77 Submit a crossword, say 79 Nytol competitor 80 “I’m not __ brag, but ... ” 81 Urban park snack snitcher 84 Finishing touch for foppish painters? 92 __ roll 93 Long-running
CBS drama 96 Nose-wrinkling 97 Prov. bordering four Great Lakes 98 Formicidae family member 99 Mourns 100 Meat serving 104 1932 presidential election victory? 108 Fixed function 110 Gator relative 111 White team 112 Shout 115 Heat units 116 “Tear down this wall!” speaker 118 Hush-hush lamasery topic? 122 Keep going 123 Higher than normal, maybe 124 Cal State city 125 Joust participants 126 Sticks in drinks 127 Brings together
DOWN
1 U.S. peak officially renamed in 2015 2 Palm used in furniture 3 Angst 4 Rounded, knotty tree growths 5 Follower of Mao? 6 “__ girl!” 7 Congressional mtg. 8 Worker with mice 9 Go left instead of right, say 10 One inspiring
PDAs 11 “F Troop” corporal played by Larry Storch 12 Musicians’ garage creations, maybe 13 “Mazel __!” 14 “Fighting” Indiana team 15 It’s shocking 16 Go up 17 Washer component 18 “Spider-Man” reporter __
Leeds 19 Board members who might become mated? 23 Supplies order phrase 28 Beginner 31 Ivory, for one 32 Viking great
Tarkenton 33 No. 2 34 Entering, as data 35 Head of France 38 Significant archaeological find 39 Long-nosed fish 40 Boise-to-Fargo dir. 45 Brush off 47 Make a killing on, in a way 48 Skyler’s sister on
“Breaking Bad” 49 Redo 50 Come out with a more current version of 51 “Chad” network 52 “A pity” 54 Most any Disney princess 57 Ones often seen in restricted lounges 58 Massachusetts motto starter 60 Sleeper, for one 61 Electrolysis products 62 Pixar film set in
Mexico 63 Distant 64 Need to pay 65 Permit 66 Fragrant compound 67 Top names 68 Prohibition words 75 Privy to 76 Concert piece 78 Pt. of an age calculation 81 Storied bear 82 Unworldly 83 PepsiCo sports beverage 85 1970 Kinks hit 86 Driver of “BlacKkKlansman” 87 Dot follower? 88 Choler 89 Prefix with event or issue 90 Nerve 91 Valuable things 94 Swing voters:
Abbr. 95 Lightning simulators 100 Yuletide display 101 Really awful 102 Early Mexicans 103 Basil-and-pinenuts sauce 105 Lauren Hutton has been on its cover 26 times 106 Modern greeting 107 Rejoice 109 “Superman &
Lois” network 112 Burn a bit 113 Solemn event 114 Belgian river 116 Hi-__ image 117 Video game letters 119 Agnus __ 120 Binge-watcher’s device 121 Ideal NFL drive endings
MUZZLE-BOUND
My wife and I got married eight months ago. Whatever I suggest for the apartment – a paint color, a bathroom fixture – my wife immediately dismisses. For example, the living room couch she wanted was too huge for the space: a really awkward, uncomfortable fit. She kept ignoring objective facts about spatial relations – even after I pulled out a measuring tape and drew a schematic of the room. It occurred to me that her wanting it her way and ignoring my ideas are patterns in our relationship. This feels pretty bad.
— The Husband
There are those of us with special abilities in certain areas. Personally, I have a multi-decade track record in two areas: as a writer and as an automotive moron. (Lift your hood and I’ll identify all the parts: “There’s that round thingie and a bunch of intestine-esque tube-y thingies...”) Hiring me to write something (ideally for dump trucks of money) suggests you have fabulous taste and superior intelligence. Hiring me to fix your car suggests you lack the mental firepower to pick your nose without assistance.
Men and women, in general, have different spatial abilities – in line with the sexual divisions of labor in the ancestral hunter-gatherer world: male hunters tracking and killing animals and female gatherers doing the “grocery shopping” 2 million-ish years before grocery stores.
Psychologists Irwin Silverman and Marion Eals find that women, across cultures, are vastly better than men – even 60 or 70% better – at “object location.” This is the ability to remember an array of objects in a setting, as well as their placement (relative to the other objects) – basically by pulling up a mental snapshot: “Those nice berries by the cliff; poison ivy near the river – by the dead tree where I found those yummo beetle appetizers.”
Men, on the other hand, are significantly better at “mental rotation”: turning a 3-D object around in their mind and predicting how the object would fit in a certain space – or hurtle through it. This skill allows the outfielder to catch the pop fly, but for Joe Loincloth, being ace at aiming his spear meant his family might dine on wildebeest mignon instead of mealymouthed excuses.
Granted, your wife – like most people – is probably not clued in to the wonders of evolved sex differences in spatial ability. However, you mention that her unwillingness to listen to you is a pattern in various areas of your relationship. And that’s a major problem.
Being ignored – especially by those who matter most to us – takes a bite out of our dignity. Contrast that with somebody giving us their attention – their full attention (meaning listening like we’re about to tip them off on tomorrow’s winning lotto numbers). They’re telling us they respect us. Whatever we have to say is important for them to hear.
That kind of listening doesn’t just come from the ears. Psychologist Carl Rogers, who used it with his therapy clients, described it as “active listening” and explained: “I hear the words, the thoughts, the feeling tones, the personal meaning, even the meaning that is below the conscious intent of the speaker.”
Listening deeply like this starts with setting aside the impulse to “win” – to hammer another person with what you believe. Admittedly, that can be a highly successful tactic – if you’re looking to persuade someone to bolt themselves even more tightly to their position.
Listening is a vital element of a healthy relationship – one in which spouses accept each other’s “influence,” explains marriage researcher John Gottman. This means each spouse makes the other a “partner” in their decision-making: respecting and honoring them and their opinions and feelings. For a marriage to thrive, spouses have to “share the driver’s seat.”
For your marriage to have a chance at thriving, your wife needs to see the benefit in acting as a “we” instead of pressing forward as a “me” (with a large piece of husband-shaped luggage). The direct approach – telling her she needs to change – is likely to be a fail, coming off as a threat to her getting her way and thus triggering not change but rebellion. Instead, tell her how you feel. (For example: hurt, disrespected and embarrassed that your opinions seem of no interest to her.)
This should evoke her empathy – meaning make her feel bad that you feel bad – which could motivate her to take steps to change (which, by the way, would involve time, practice, and setbacks). Ultimately, she knows being a marital bully is way out of line – assuming her wedding vows didn’t include: “I promise to love, honor, support, blah, blah, blah – uh, providing my husband shuts his complainy yap about having to scale the Couch Alps whenever he wants to grab a beer out of the fridge.”
