LOS ANGELES TIMES SUNDAY CROSSWORD PUZZLE “WHAT’S MY LINE?” By PAUL COULTER ACROSS 1 Space station launched in 1973 7 “__, Inc.”: 2001 film 15 Commonly green dish 20 South American naval force 21 Turkey, mostly 22 Torment 23 Researcher with an outgoing personality? 25 Terry O’Quinn’s “Lost” role 26 Big bunch 27 Floors 28 Clamp shape 29 Leveled, with “up” 30 Dot-commerce 32 Two-time Super Bowl QB Manning 34 Country name last used in 1949 35 R&B singer’s hyphenated stage name 37 Clergyman who builds cupboards? 44 Links scores 46 Lena of “Chocolat” 47 Lennon’s love 48 Fall Out Boy genre 49 Bleep button operator? 53 __ boom 55 “Elder” or “Younger” Roman statesman 56 Stuns 57 Charlemagne’s realm: Abbr. 58 Marine snail 59 Home of Hercules’ lion 61 Loafer, e.g. 64 Mikey, Mouth or Chunk, in an ’85 film 65 TV monitoring org. 68 Dietitian?
Beautiful” 72 Ground cover 5 Nabokov novel 73 Friend of Athos 6 Light wood 62 “Let’s see ... ” 75 Big name in pet 7 Retinal area 63 Allied gp. since food subject to 1948 76 Hard-to-ride degeneration 64 “Seinfeld” friend horse 8 “Come __!”: 65 Remote 78 Moved to a “Welcome!” 66 Embroidery yarn quieter table, say 9 Dundee denials 67 Patient record 79 Special __ 10 RR stop 69 When repeated, 81 Old apple spray 11 “Sesame Street” Cult Jam vocalist 82 Dept. of Labor watcher 70 Competent arm 12 Bring out 71 Nana 86 Football’s Terrell, 13 Angry reaction 74 “Wow!” nicknamed “T.O.” 14 Fill to the max 77 Negatively affects 87 Drug kingpin? 15 Short-lived 1979 92 “Yuck!” nuclear treaty the flow in 93 Bank offering, for 16 Ancient assembly 79 Other, to Ortiz short areas 80 Fall preceder? 94 Advanced 17 Temporary 81 Court records 95 Ancient ascetic substitute that 83 Schedule 96 Getaway driver? means “place competitively, as 102 Former Fords holder” in Latin a tournament 103 Mmes., in Madrid 18 Huber of tennis 84 Coop group 104 CVS pickups 19 Like some blond 85 Is for a few 105 Conger catcher hair 88 Bend 107 Chopper blade 24 Bic Clic __ pen 89 Marshy areas 31 Small dogs 109 __ Beach, 90 Not Rep. or Dem. 32 “National Velvet” composer of the author Bagnold 91 “Cast Away” first symphony 33 Filmmaker composed by an setting Riefenstahl American woman 93 Part of TGIF 34 __-cone 111 Mimic’s talent 97 It’s on the record 35 “A Doll’s House” 113 “To be” is one, 98 Susan B. Anthony heroine poetically biographer Ida 36 Awards acronym 117 Busybody Husted __ 38 They’re ripped in 118 Fishing guide? 99 No-tell motel gyms 122 Liveliness events 39 Martinique, e.g. 123 Like some hard 100 Pine __ 40 Anchor drives 101 Garr of “Tootsie” 41 About, on a 124 Altogether 106 Songlike memo 125 Tradesperson 42 __ Barzini, Vito’s 107 Invite request 126 Reveal rival in “The 108 Turow novel set 127 1980 TV series Godfather” with the episode at Harvard 43 Disturbed greatly 109 Finished perfectly “Harmony of the 44 Discreetly send a 110 Dress style Worlds” dupe email to 111 __ Domini 45 Hindu teachers DOWN 112 Annual May golf 50 Was shy? 1 Undesirable tournaments, 51 Interpret freshness familiarly 52 “Accordingly ... ” 2 Fast food 114 Tiny bit 53 Like much magnate who 115 Con __: briskly testimony once owned 116 Frat dudes 54 “Look here!” the San Diego 119 Shamus 60 Gives forth Padres 120 Offline, briefly 61 Last word of 3 Pool site, often 121 Brian of rock “America the 4 Spotted
DEAR IN HEADLIGHTS I’m a girl in my 20s. I recently started dating a guy I’m falling in love with. He invited me to a party to meet his friends, and I’m nervous. He’s “objectively” more attractive than I am (6-foot-2, brawny and incredibly handsome) and very successful. I’m attractive, but I see the looks women give him, and I can’t help but feel his friends will question why he’s interested in me. I’m thinking of backing out of the party, but maybe I should back out of dating him entirely, given the pressure. — Freaking The other guests are going to a party; as you see it, you’re on trial and they’re the jury. The invite: “Drinks, tunes, and executing the borderline attractive girl at dawn.” Tell somebody you might end it with this guy because you’re afraid his friends will be all, “Ew, why’s he with her?” and they’re sure to scold you that you shouldn’t care what other people think of you. They mean well, but this is ridiculous advice – akin to telling you not to get hungry. We evolved to be people who care what other people think. That’s built into our psychology, same as the urge that drives us to nab a burrito, which keeps us from passing out, dying and being eaten by raccoons. Successfully handling other people’s appraisals of you starts with throwing out everything most of us believe about self-esteem. I explain in “Unf*ckology” that this “I like me!” state we’ve been told to strive for “makes little functional sense. Psychology researchers and therapists far and wide failed to ask the ‘Why?’ question that evolutionary psychology demands: Why would it be evolutionarily advantageous for you to like yourself – for you to sit around saying, ‘I’m fabulous! Kiss the royal hand!’?” What would’ve helped our ancestors survive and mate is other people liking them: respecting them, wanting to get it on with them, and sneaking them seconds on the bison frittatas. Accordingly, psychologist Mark Leary explains that we developed an internal monitoring system that tracks “the degree to which other people accept versus reject” us. Our resulting feelgood or feelbad (erroneously called “self-esteem”) is actually part of a three-part process: 1. Our perception of what other people think of us, which leads to 2. Feelings in us (from happy to fearful), which motivate us to 3. Maintain our social position or try to repair it. So, “self-esteem” is really “what other
people think of us”-esteem – a measurement of our social standing – triggering emotions that drive us to preserve or fix it. In light of that, advice to “raise” your self-esteem makes no sense, because how you feel about yourself isn’t the problem, and changing that fixes nothing. (It’s like trying to feel better about your overheating car instead of putting water in the radiator.) While being popular has many benefits, panicking at potentially being rejected made more sense when our survival in a harsh ancestral environment depended on our maintaining our social cred with a small, consistent band of people. We now live in vast cities teeming with strangers. If somebody in our social circle decides we’ve got adult cooties, we can pretty easily slide into a whole new social circle simply by hanging out at different bars. So, your terror about meeting his friends – “LIFE OR DEATH, GIRLIE!” – is driven by psychology that’s seriously outdated: mismatched with our modern environment. Recognizing this can help you put your yearning to be liked into a more modern perspective: Great when it happens but merely a major bummer, not a death sentence, if it doesn’t. Lowering the stakes like this should be helpful because pressure to excel could cause you to overfocus on your performance. This can lead to clutching anxiety that impairs your ability to perform (“choking under pressure”). Amazingly, research by Harvard Business School’s Alison Wood Brooks suggests a way to prevent choking is “reappraising” the pounding heart of anxiety as the pounding heart of excitement. Say to yourself repeatedly, “I’m so excited to go to this party and meet his friends!” It should also help to approach the evening with a relaxed set of goals: 1. Having fun. 2. Getting to know his friends. Because you’re with him, they’ll probably assume you’re special – which is surely why he’s with you. (A handsome, high-status guy doesn’t get involved with a woman he finds physically and otherwise meh.) At the party, instead of trying really hard to be liked – a surefire way to be instantly unlikeable – ask people about themselves, and listen with genuine interest. They’ll warm to you, probably without knowing why. Sure, some hearts might remain hardened, but it’s the rare person who’ll cut themselves off, mid-“me, me, me!” to pelt you with canapes and chase you out of the party with a broom.
GOT A PROBLEM? Write to Amy Alkon at 171 Pier Ave, Ste. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email her at AdviceAmy@aol.com. ©2021, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Alkon’s latest book is “Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence.” Follow @amyalkon on Twitter or visit blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon.
MAY 6, 2021 THE ARGONAUT PAGE 19
