ADVICE GODDESS

HATE-LOSS DIET

Last year, I broke up with the man I was engaged to and loved deeply. I’d found out he was cheating on me constantly with many different women throughout our relationship. My life has gone on, but I often think of what he did to me and feel incredible anger. I’d like to forgive him, but I’m not sure how to do that when these feelings pop up throughout my week.

— Stuck

It’s hard to move on emotionally when you not only have a grudge, but take it everywhere with you like a cockroach on a little yarn leash. This isn’t to say you should forgive the guy. There’s this assumption that forgiving someone who’s wronged you is the healthy, constructive thing to do – and sure, it can be. Evolutionary social psychologist Michael McCullough defines forgiveness as “an internal process of getting over your ill will for an offender.” He explains that forgiveness is “adaptive” – functional, beneficial – when there’s a valuable relationship at stake: when you’d benefit from continuing contact with the perp (and it seems unlikely they’ll be a repeat offender – harm you again in a similar way).

But you aren’t looking to re-up with the guy! And you probably have zero indication he’s changed anything – aside from which woman he’s twotiming (or, uh, 22-timing, as a rough quarterly estimate). What you’re really seeking is peace of mind. Consider that anger, like forgiveness, can be functional. The anger you still have probably remains for a reason: a warning sign that you’re in danger of being cheated on again. But there’s a way to shut off that alert – and protect yourself in the future – and it’s by turning this into a learning experience. Be accountable for the part you played in what happened – not because, “Yay, blame the victim!” – but because it’s the part you can control. Did you, perhaps, want so badly to believe you’d found love that you ignored signs you’d landed a cheating creep posing as an adoring boyfriend? Being honest about what you could – and should – have done differently can become your guide for what you will do differently the next guy around. A man can give you the sense he has a moral compass, but it’s best you give it a hard look to see it isn’t cracked and dusty from constantly being dropped in other women’s bedrooms. GLUED-IN ALLERGY

I’ve been dating a guy for three months, and I’d like us to be exclusive, but I don’t know how to go about addressing it. I’m worried that if I say I need him to commit, he’ll feel pressured and bolt.

— Quandary For a man, agreeing to go exclusive is a bit like wedding vows lite, as posed to the man’s penis: “Do you swear off sex with all the other ladies forever?” Penis: “Frankly, that sounds a little grim.” Men evolved to have the hots for sexual variety – casual sex with a slew-apalooza of different partners – to a degree women do not. (An ancestral woman could get pregnant and stuck with a kid to raise after a single hookup with some rando, while the more randos Grok had sex with, the more likely he was to pass on his genes.) Feminist scholars contend that “patriarchal” culture – not evolution – leads to men’s greater preference for the sexual variety pack, but it even shows up in “gender-egalitarian” Norway. Evolutionary scientist Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair and his colleagues asked Norwegian men and women the number of sex partners they’d want over a 30-year period. Women, on average, wanted about five sex partners. Men? About 25! Still, many men eventually tire of the swipe-right hussy of the night lifestyle (which, admittedly, isn’t an option for men low on the mate-value ladder) and start feeling ready for a relationship. However, even if this guy’s open to commitment and maybe already pointed in that direction, consider the lesson from “psychological reactance,” a term coined by psychologist Jack Brehm. Our getting the sense that somebody’s trying to control us, limit our freedom, motivates us to “react”: rebel against being controlled. Give yourself a (silent) deadline so you won’t be waiting around forever, and then ask him how he sees things going forward: what he’s looking for, what works for him. The conversation itself should give him the sense that you might be headed for the door if he doesn’t boyfriend up. Wanting to be with you might motivate him to make the necessary sexual trade-off – which is ultimately a pretty big deal for a dude. Picture the Souplantation buffet, but all those stainless steel bins are filled with the same one item, and you’ll have to eat it for every meal for the rest of your life: “Welcome to the suburban gulag. Table for two?”

ACROSS

1 Seuss critter in socks 4 Singer with a

Best Actress

Oscar 8 Best-of-seven

MLB semifinal 12 Put one over on 17 Cupid counterpart 19 Olympics event since 1964 20 Poi source 21 Aquafina alternative 22 *Editorial comment 25 Builds 26 Rainforest rodent 27 Channel with a gate 28 Onboard assent 29 Family tree fill 30 Last word in a popular drinking game 32 Completely wraps 34 “Well done!” 35 *Solid piece of security hardware 39 *Part of a school kid’s allowance 42 London driver’s unit 43 She’s no pro 44 Making a case for 45 Woman on the

Sistine Chapel ceiling 46 Snowballs in a fight, e.g. 48 ’60s protest gp. 51 Dashboard nos. 52 AL West team, in crawl lines 55 Doctor’s order 57 Belgian lager, familiarly 59 Bethlehem university 61 Jet Ski rival 64 Kaley who played

Penny on “The

Big Bang Theory” 66 One with dreads 67 Church branch 70 *Online dating coup 73 Govt. accident investigator 74 Shrinking retailer 76 All together 77 Mississippi River explorer 79 “That was a brutal workout!” 81 Solution measures 83 Papersaving party announcements 87 “I guess not” 88 Space race initials 90 Pocatello-to-

Provo dir. 91 One in a bust 93 Raisman with three Olympic gold medals 94 Advice from a loser? 97 Local bond, briefly 99 “__ Burr,

Sir”: song in

“Hamilton” 101 *Tough talk tension easer 104 *Offenbach output 106 Slack-jawed look 107 They might be holy 109 Removed 110 Family card game 111 URL addresses 113 Subject of a 2021 packet shortage 115 It’s been shortening for over a century 119 “Broken Arrow” co-star 121 *Fast talk from the on-deck circle 123 Marcus partner 124 It’s not butter 125 Vannelli of pop 126 NE syst. with 64 campuses 127 Bond’s car starter? 128 Night sch. awards 129 Exxon, formerly 130 Shipping supply that links the answers to starred clues

DOWN

1 Greek salad topper 2 Wash. neighbor 3 Love letters? 4 Crossword constructor’s job 5 Group __ 6 They’re beaten in kitchens 7 Put back in a seat 8 Overhead storage 9 Secular 10 King known for his wealth 11 John David, to

Denzel 12 Double-dog action? 13 Take advantage of 14 *Traveler’s aid 15 Lure 16 Man with a World 18 Fog 21 “L.A. Law” actress 23 Flintstones time 24 Orange soda brand 28 Songwriters’ org. 31 Glitzy genre 33 Break in the theater 34 Nice turndown 35 Winter transport 36 Pioneering DVR 37 Rd. map lines 38 Plastic __ Band 40 Webmaster’s code 41 Unlikely

GoFundMe donor 47 Deli array 49 Orders 50 Run-down area 53 Movie industry reps: Abbr. 54 Queequeg’s captain 56 Intro to physics? 57 “Likewise” 58 Laundry units 60 Capital NE of

Vientiane 62 Part of una semana 63 Picketing 65 Mil. training site 67 Tattoo canvas 68 Watson who played Hermione 69 *Bank transaction 71 Rhinitis docs 72 Weed killer 75 More faithful 78 Studio picture taker 80 Uruguay’s Punta del __ 82 Guilty feeling 84 Works on a route 85 Wells race of the future 86 Match in a studio 89 Scoreboard figs. 91 SSW’s opposite 92 Snobbish attitude 95 “When Will __

Loved?”: 1975 hit 96 Sheet material 98 Sudden spike 100 Reviews of books 101 Dora the Explorer’s Isa, e.g. 102 French film festival site 103 Not for kids, filmwise 105 Cold sound 108 Four Holy Roman emperors 111 Caspian Sea land 112 Not a good review 114 Trident-shaped frat letters 116 Concert memento 117 Prefix with -zoic 118 Serengeti antelope 120 Word in a Latin love poem 121 Cranberry source 122 Brain and spinal cord, initially

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