ArgonautNews.com
PLATONIC BOMB A guy I know grates on me because he only has female friends. He apparently tried to get involved with each of them at some point but got rejected. Why doesn’t he find male friends instead of preying on women (under the guise of friendship) who probably trust him not to hit on them? — Disgusted This guy probably lives in eternal hope about each female friend, dreaming of the day he can be of service when she drops something on his floor – like her panties. Though you don’t mention him trying to roofie his dreams into reality, his behavior probably “grates” on you because you take a less sexually opportunistic approach to your friendships with men. We humans “are disposed ... to imagine that other minds are much like our own,” explains anthropologist Donald Symons, and they often are. However, we’re prone to assume they should be like our own, so when someone thinks differently, we tend to see them as wrong (and maybe kind of awful) and not just different. Men and women (and male and female minds) are more alike than different. However, our differing physiologies – like which sex gets pregnant and needs to guard against having to
raise a kid solo – led to the evolution of psychological differences, like women’s greater choosiness in whom they’ll have sex with. Though both men and women sometimes tumble into bed with their opposite-sex friends, for many men, the friendship zone seems to double as a “Well, try your best to turn her into a sexfriend!” zone. Evolutionary psychologist April Bleske-Rechek, researching sex differences in how people perceive their opposite-sex friends, finds that a man is more likely to define a female friend as someone he’s attracted to “and would pursue given the opportunity,” while a woman is more likely to define a male friend simply as “a friend of the opposite sex.” Maybe you think friendship should be a “safe space,” guaranteed to remain endlessly platonic. And maybe that’s unrealistic – unless you avoid having friends who might hit on you. You could try to view this guy’s behavior in a more compassionate light. Chances are he’s a beta male who can’t compete with the alphas in the normal mating sphere, like on Tinder or at parties. He’s probably doing the best he can with the one edge he has, the scheme-y smarts to surround himself with a bunch of pretty ladies. (Living in a dude-filled monastery only works for a guy whose pet name for his beloved is “The Almighty.”)
HEX AND THE CITY My ex cheated on me and conned me financially, but before I realized this, I had really fallen for him. I miss him and keep thinking about him every day, and I can’t seem to stop. A friend suggested I get a spell from a witchcraft store. She insists this helped her have closure after her bad breakup. I’m a rational person, and this sounds completely ridiculous, but nothing I’ve tried (from meditation to venting to total strangers to dating other people) has helped. Please tell me this is completely stupid. — Plagued It’s a tempting idea, the notion that you can solve your lingering emotional issues via retail, a la “Curses: Today only, two for $19.99!” In fact, a ritual – such as casting a spell or hockey player Stephan Lebeau always chewing 20 to 25 pieces of gum and spitting them out two minutes before faceoff – can have a positive effect. I know this sounds rather cuckoopants; however, it isn’t because the ritual works in any supernatural way. A ritual, explains Harvard Business School professor Francesca Gino, is some “symbolic activity” you perform
in hopes of making something happen. Gino finds that performing rituals leads to “increased feelings of control.” This can help the ritual-doer calm down and be more in control. Amazingly, even those who think the ritual they’re doing is total hooey experience this benefit – what I’d call the abracadabra placebo effect. Our psychology seems tuned to figure if we’re taking some action, it’s for a reason: to make things better. You might create an eviction ritual to get the guy out of your head. I suggest writing the story of your relationship, including what you learned that will help you avoid entanglements with future Mr. Rottens. Psychologist James Pennebaker finds that “expressive writing” – even 15 minutes spent describing the emotional impact of a bad experience -– helps us reinterpret and make sense of what happened so we can go forward instead of endlessly rechewing the past. Invite a friend over (or dress up your cat) to bear witness, and then say a few words, light the story on fire, and flush the ashes. This should help you accept it’s over, though, admittedly, without the finality of the day of celebration you probably think the guy deserves: Casual Human Sacrifice Friday.
GOT A PROBLEM? Write to Amy Alkon at 171 Pier Ave, Ste. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email her at AdviceAmy@aol.com. ©2021, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Alkon’s latest book is “Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence.” Follow @amyalkon on Twitter or visit blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon.
PAGE 38 THE ARGONAUT JUNE 24, 2021
LOS ANGELES TIMES SUNDAY CROSSWORD PUZZLE “FLIP-FLOPS” By MARYELLEN UTHLAUT ACROSS 1 Wretched 7 Mount Rainier gateway 13 Hoops statistic 19 Taste 20 In favor of Mideast unity 21 Arty 22 The drive-through diner scene that was cut became a __ 24 Right after this 25 Fall garden? 26 Riverbank residue 27 Parisian season 28 Vote of support 29 What Jill has that Jack doesn’t? 30 Break 31 Stab 32 1956 title film monster 34 Smart 36 The girls who spent the night prioritized chat time at the __ 41 LP’s 33 1/3 44 Browsing annoyances 45 Wordless agreement 46 Sugary ending 47 Reduce 48 Long 50 Shot __: competitive event 51 Privileged people 53 When the dog got loose, some house plants __ 57 False front 63 Get into 64 What a stationary orrery part may represent 65 Clarifying Latin words 67 Grew dimmer 68 Sweetens, as yams 70 Iraqi currency 72 Modified for the better 74 Private
75 Barely sufficient 77 Stroke that makes a rally irrelevant 78 Surrealist German-French painter 79 Gazes fixedly 81 The casual quarterback made an __ 86 Expand 88 Bossy utterance 89 African capital on the 30th parallel 90 “It is a __ told by an idiot”: Macbeth 94 What chatty tongues do? 95 Poke fun at 96 Mrs., in Madrid 98 Apply a new hue to 99 A navel ring is a piercing one may __ 105 It has pipes and keys 106 Source of some overhead footage 107 Apple operating system 108 Hadrian’s defense 112 Follow (along) closely 113 “It totally happened!” 115 Memorable first name in soccer 116 Small racer 117 Sailing 118 Indicating stress 120 The fast-learning police cadet had the __ 123 Most trifling 124 Fail to take seriously 125 Red-skinned root 126 Current events? 127 Soaked through 128 Demands and gets DOWN 1 Following 2 Business end of
an ax 3 “North and South” trilogy author John __ 4 Track contests 5 Bill’s partner 6 Confided in 7 Showing strain 8 One lining up for food? 9 Took care of the food 10 Strong speaker 11 Be resourceful 12 Prez on a penny 13 Feeling it after a workout 14 Lusters 15 Honorary title 16 Picnic pitcherful 17 NBA’s Steph Curry, frequently 18 Early photograph 20 Sea anemone, e.g. 23 Gives out 28 “__ of robins ... ”: Kilmer 33 Refrains from 35 The Eiger, for one 37 Secure, as a job or a role 38 “Get __”: James Brown biopic 39 Choose at the polls 40 Shipping hazard 41 Bread-making grain 42 Locket, for one 43 Singer/actress known as the “Queen of Pop” 49 Cause to become 50 Mae West’s “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted,” e.g. 51 Icelandic literary work 52 Sidelong glance 54 Consume 55 Kitty 56 Beethoven’s __ 58 Response to the sublime 59 Largest English-
speaking country 60 Google operating system 61 Cook, as much county fair fare 62 Announcer Hall 66 Gauge on the dash 68 Opposite of trans 69 Hot temper 70 Inane 71 Lowdown 73 “Give __ minute” 76 Often “old” eccentric 77 Big deal 80 Like fireplace logs 82 Within 83 Plant stem joint 84 Final Four org. 85 Moriarty, to Holmes 87 __ longlegs 90 Cheat on one’s sweet, say 91 Freshened up, in a way 92 Slowpoke 93 Often titled stretch 95 Massaged 96 Excalibur, e.g. 97 Put back as it was 100 Not sensible 101 Pecorino __ cheese 102 __ Kingdom 103 Laughing 104 Its capital is Kigali 109 Gelatin garnish 110 “Not in the __” 111 Framework strips 114 Book after John 116 Nine-time U.S. skating champ Michelle 119 Gift with an aloha 120 Brief afterthoughts 121 Metal source 122 Become more intense, as the moon
