ADVICE GODDESS

WHEN HAIR GEL MET SALLY

I’m a 28-year-old woman. My boyfriend of three months is a great person, and I started to think he might be The One. However, he got a new haircut – one that had him using excessive gel. Looking at him, I felt a wave of revulsion and needed to get away...permanently. I don’t understand the sudden change in my feelings.

— Disgusted You, like many women, want a man who appears to have the grooming routine of a golden lab: running across the lawn when the sprinklers are on and then shaking off. Many women find it disturbing when a man spends more time in the bathroom or uses more “product” than they do. Evolutionary psychology research suggests we women evolved to seek a man who will protect us – as opposed to one who’ll fight us to the death for the last of our poshbrand conditioner. Sure, hair gel could be the “gateway” goop to your dude dolling up with Fenty eyeshadow, contour foundation and sparkly self-tanner by the weekend. But chances are he just went heavy on the stuff because he’s a first-timer at using it. And chances are your sudden extreme reaction is not about him but

about you – and probably your panicking at the prospect of commitment. Commitment involves finding not the perfect right person but a right enough person at the right time, observes clinical psychologist Judith Sills. Being ready for a relationship is a key factor. This requires getting yourself “sorted,” as the Brits say, meaning developing both self-respect and self-acceptance, including a realistic and self-compassionate understanding of your limitations. Sensing that you “could be lovable in the eyes of another person” leads to a shift, explains Sills. “You stop being so critical of a potential partner’s shortcomings and begin to appreciate his or her strengths.” This doesn’t mean you are “without anxiety or ambivalence” – wanting and not wanting a relationship at the same time – but readiness for a relationship helps you push through those feelings. If you aren’t yet ready, you should make that clear to men you date. If becoming ready will require some personal development work, you might want to hop on that. In general, the more “up there” in years women get, the more they find their standards for a partner in need of relaxing – in the direction of “not currently incarcerated and has at least a weak pulse.” BROTHEL, WHERE ART THOU

My male roommate began having women over for one-night stands almost daily, even meeting one for the first time at our apartment with no heads-up for me. I’m a woman and very careful about whom I have over: usually only friends I’ve known for a while. I’m uncomfortable having my space constantly intruded on by strangers, but he seems surprisingly unaware of this.

— Unsettled

You need a needlepoint for the kitchen wall: “Home sweet sex den.” People who live with roommates tend to make allowances for the occasional drunken hookup – even those that end with some stranger in their kitchen drinking their OJ out of the carton. However, when there’s a new hookuperella every few mornings, it crosses a line. It’s a shared space. You agreed to share it with your roommate, not your roommate and half of local female Tinder. His behavior calls to mind “the tragedy of the commons,” ecologist Garrett Hardin’s term for individuals with access to a shared space trashing it or taking more than their fair share of resources, ruining it for everyone. Hardin was referring to public land and, say, one farmer letting his sheep eat all the communal grass, leaving only dirt for the other farmers’ hungry sheep, but it seems to apply to your situation. Granted, the resources being depleted here are not tangible (grabbable, like grass). However, they’re highly valuable and are generally understood to be benefits of renting an apartment – including a level of privacy and the sanctity (aka safety) of “home” and the peace of mind that comes with each of these. Now, it could be argued that no guest policy was spelled out. However, most people know roommates won’t be happy with a revolving cast of sex-providing strangers marching through their home. Chances are your roommate is counting on your being too uncomfortable to speak up – which means there’s no reason for him to stop. Explain how unsettling it is for you to constantly have these strangers in your place – people he barely knows -– and ask him to think on it and propose a solution. Should he suggest, “You just hafta suck it up” or close, tell him straight up what you need (which might ultimately be “a new living situation”). If you wanted to encounter strangers in your kitchen at 6 a.m., you’d live in a bad neighborhood on the first floor and leave a window wide open.

GOT A PROBLEM? Write to Amy Alkon at 171 Pier Ave, Ste. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email her at AdviceAmy@aol.com.

ACROSS

1 Show of affection 5 Hat-tipper’s word 9 Implied 14 Spa sigh 17 Shine 18 Mallorca o

Menorca 19 “It matters to me” 20 Barrie’s “man who stabbed without offence” 22 One of a West Coast trio 24 22-Across, emotionally 26 Split to unite 27 Yoda trainees 28 Subway gates 30 Jabbers 33 Unwise, as a choice 34 __-Caps 35 NFL brother of

Peyton 36 Lover with ulterior motives 39 36-Across, in the Old West 43 Accomplished 44 Agra attire 45 Blunted blade 46 Makes sense 47 Exhausted 49 PC-to-PC hookup 50 Self-Operating

Napkin creator Goldberg 51 1987 Costner role 52 Street warning 56 52-Across, from the sky 58 “... __ the set of sun”: “Macbeth” 59 Subatomic particle 60 Big-eyed tyke 62 GHWB predecessor 63 Syracuse locale: Abbr. 64 RR map dot 65 High winds 66 Kind of sauce or milk 67 Stat on a dealer’s sticker 70 Photo 71 Sing like Dean

Martin 72 Bang-up 73 Retract, as one’s words 74 Lucille Ball, e.g. 76 74-Across, in the Cold War 79 Phony (up) 80 PG-13 issuing org. 82 Maracanã Stadium city 83 HR dept. concern 84 “Othello” villain 85 Seed coat 86 Blessings 88 Turturro of “The Sopranos” 90 Big name in frozen food 93 90-Across, in the forest 95 “Catch-22” pilot 96 Annex 97 Misunderstanding metaphor 98 Online payment option 99 Spin 101 Indeed 104 Mountain ridge 106 Presidential address 108 106-Across, at a winter carnival 112 “Smooth Operator” singer 113 Island nation east of Fiji 114 Lead-in to second 115 Four-legged “king” 116 “Chopped” host

Allen 117 Anger 118 Belmonts lead singer 119 EPA concern

DOWN

1 Old USSR espionage gp. 2 Unfavorable, as wind 3 Paltry amount 4 “That’s a terrific price” 5 Dividing-cell process 6 “By yesterday!” 7 Der __: Adenauer epithet 8 Sassy West 9 Like major sports games except baseball 10 Nailed 11 Colombian city 12 Srs.’ income sources 13 Highest Scrabble letter value 14 Kutcher of “That ’70s Show” 15 Paris possessive 16 Neoclassical movement based on Greek ideals 21 Lace securers 23 Snow coaster 25 “Teach Your Children” group, initially 27 Frazzles 29 Connery and

McCartney 30 Tour-organizing gp. 31 Highway event? 32 Genetic variations 33 Existence 34 Dutch Golden Age artist 37 Unit of volume 38 Silo contents 39 Backin’ 40 Numbered works 41 Confute 42 Words preceding bad news 48 On the open deck 51 Countdown follower 52 Desire 53 Narnia antagonist 54 Large shoulder bag 55 “Just the __ Us”: 1981 and 1998 hit 57 Rodeo challenge 61 Director Riefenstahl 65 Decree 66 “Bye now” 67 Insurance company with a longtime Peanuts-based ad campaign 68 Like Weird Al songs 69 “Little” car of song 70 Orange __ tea 71 “Meet John Doe” director 72 Facetious five? 74 “Agreed” 75 In-box contents 77 Sag 78 Tongue twister merchandise 79 Soil-smoothing tools 81 PC shortcut key 84 Borodin’s “Prince __” 86 Party time, casually 87 Think about 89 Ancient couples carrier 91 Made after taxes 92 TV show with mashups 94 Official records 97 Flash of light 100 Adjutant 101 Barfly’s binge 102 Old character 103 Org. with an annual open tournament 104 Trendy berry 105 Nevada slots spot 107 Town name word suggesting higher elev. 108 Ky. neighbor 109 Draw a bead on 110 Bit of baby talk 111 Coll. major