ADVICE GODDESS

ACROSS

1 Race distance 5 Shrink 12 Traditional koa wood product 19 “Gentlemen Prefer

Blondes” author

Loos 21 Unworthy of 22 Started up again 23 __ officer 24 Bishopric cousin 25 Like aftershave after a shave 26 1994 A.L. batting champ Paul 28 *Wine ingredient? 29 *Sarah of “Suits” 30 Pigment used in rustproof primer paints 32 Blood lines 34 Bananas or nuts 37 Monetary “p” 38 Diamonds, in slang 43 Rib-tickler 46 Oval-shaped wind 48 Benefit 49 *Slip through the cracks 50 *Traffic stoppers 51 Junk bond rating 54 Yitzhak’s predecessor 55 Allegro non __: fast, but not too fast 57 Umbrella component 58 Problematic to the max 60 Gas pump fractions 61 Fermented honey drink 64 Mountain nymph 65 World Cup “Way to go!” 66 Product with lots of shapes ... or what each of four black squares effectively is? 70 Poli-__ 73 Absinthe flavoring 74 A-line line 75 Bench warmer? 77 Stone set alone 81 Basic card game 83 1994 Olympic gold medalist skater

Baiul 84 __ donna 85 Triple __: liqueur 86 *Take by force 88 *“A Clockwork

Orange” antihero 89 Keys 90 South American river with a crocodile namesake 92 Clumsy boats 93 Tribal emblem 94 Minty cocktail 96 Gun 98 Daredevil’s stockin-trade 99 Put out 104 *Closely match 109 *Aconcagua’s range 114 Conditionally let out 115 Winning game after game 116 They’re seen among the reeds 118 Samurai lacking a master 119 Go back over 120 Superheroes always have them 121 They come with strings attached 122 Fine-tuned 123 Krypton, but not

Tatooine 124 Canapé spread

DOWN

1 Bruce Wayne lives in one 2 Pointless 3 Stayed 4 Business for many Amazon explorers? 5 Agatha Christie’s

“The __ Murders” 6 “The Day the

Earth Stood Still” actress Patricia

7 Part of A.D. 8 Musician Redbone 9 Half the taijitu symbol 10 Tried hard 11 *Biblical possessive 12 Polished 13 Grooves made by a saw 14 Sky-high gp. 15 Time co-founder 16 Mideast leader 17 Fast time 18 On pins and needles 20 *Gene variant 27 Vientiane native 29 Ocasek of the

Cars 31 Means of access 33 *Put on the books 35 Elon University st. 36 Washington city where Olympic skiers Phil and

Steve Mahre were born 37 Circle ratios 38 *Norse mythology battle used as the subtitle of a 2017

“Thor” film 39 Egg-shaped 40 Racer Yarborough 41 Roasts, in a way 42 Blind segment 43 Brando role in 1978’s

“Superman” 44 Critical layer 45 Fulfilled 47 Defies authority 49 Ringling Brothers brother 50 Half a Balkan country 52 Prefix with -aholic 53 Magnum stopper 56 *Ghost 59 Boston-based sportswear giant 62 Hotshot 63 Attract 67 Goddess with a throne headdress 68 Insignificant 69 Key of Schubert’s

“Trout Quintet” 70 Cornfield sight 71 Sundae alternatives 72 Big name in movies? 73 Mann of ’Til

Tuesday 76 Winter Palace resident 77 Roasting rod 78 Rounding phrase 79 Merry-go-round tune 80 *Dangerous strain 82 Derby, perhaps 86 Cool 87 Anchorage for a galleon 91 Mark down, maybe 92 *Place abuzz with activity 94 Sent raspberries to? 95 Text letters often in blue 97 Diamond pro 98 Location 100 Body with arms? 101 1994 rival of

Nancy 102 “The Cocktail

Party” playwright 103 Fog modifier 104 Red dessert wine 105 From square one 106 Appraise 107 Cutting-edge brand? 108 Security problem 110 Iditarod terminus 111 Carpe __ 112 “__ quam videri”: 35-Down motto 113 WWII weapon 116 *It’s next to nothing 117 JFK arrival, once THIN LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND BAIT

My relationship with a man I’d been dating was getting serious. His previous relationship ended when his girlfriend dumped him. Last month, he ran into her and told her he was seeing me. She began crying and begged him to take her back. He was torn about what to do. I told him his feelings for her weren’t romantic but stemmed from a sense of obligation, and that he should be angry at her for trying to make him feel bad about moving on with someone else. He still went back to her, and now they’re engaged. I’m furious. Why would he choose to be with someone who dumped him? He could’ve moved forward with someone who really cares, with whom he could have a relationship based on love, not guilt (over making this other woman cry). How can I prevent this from happening to me again? — Outraged We sometimes explain things to ourselves in ways that don’t so much lay out the facts as provide an airbag for our feelings. Take a question I often hear from readers: “Why did he/she stop returning my calls?” Helpfully, many suggest the most likely explanation right in their email; something like, “I just know they were kidnapped by the Russian mob.” Right. And they’re probably still tied up in an abandoned warehouse, being tortured till they give in – agree to withdraw and hand over the entire $36.72 in their checking account. Though female tears can be a sort of kryptonite for straight men, I’m sorry to say it’s unlikely this other woman’s boohoos and a sense of obligation on your guy’s part mind-controlled him into going back to her. There’s this notion that relationships simply involve two people who love each other making each other happy. Supposedly, once you’ve got that, it’s all cartoon birdies, butterflies and flowers till you’re both sleeping out eternity in side by side cemetery plots. In fact, the human mind evolved to have a built-in accounting department. Its jobs include preventing us from being “all give” to some “all take” sociobro, which, for ancestral humans, would’ve posed survival issues. In the mating sphere, our inner accountant continually calculates our mate value and that of our partner (or prospective partner), gauging whether we’re selling ourselves short – or whether our partner’s likely to come to that conclusion about being involved with us. Chances are when your guy was with this other woman the first time around, he felt out of his league – perhaps sensing that, on a 1 to 10 scale, he’s, say, a 6 to her 8.9. If this was the case, he probably acted somewhat needy and clingy: qualities that are not exactly lady bait. She, in turn, probably sensed she could do better and put him out on the curb. But then something changed that changed him: He got a woman (you) who made him feel loved and wanted, which likely shifted his demeanor from needy-clingy to comfortably confident. Assuming this was what went on, you basically provided him with the romantic version of going to the grocery store on a full stomach to avoid standing weeping in the doughnut aisle. Additionally, though it’s unlikely the guy planned this, you probably served as bait to bring his girlfriend back. Social psychologists Jessica Parker and Melissa Burkley find that single women (but not those in relationships) rate a man as “significantly” more desirable and pursuitworthy when they’re told he’s taken. “This may be because an attached man” has been “‘pre-screened’ by another woman,” speculate Parker and Burkley. This “pre-screening” is a form of “social proof,” a term coined by social psychologist Robert Cialdini. We sometimes decide what we should value based on what other people value. In this case, your finding the guy boyfriend-worthy might’ve led his ex to think, “Uh-oh...I made a mistake dumping him.” Of course you’re hurt and disappointed. But it sounds like you also feel cheated to some degree, like something you deserve was stolen from you. There’s a tendency to think love should be “fair,” meaning whatever you put into a relationship, you’re owed in return. In fact, people in relationships ultimately act in their self-interest. That sometimes involves dumping the partner who’s done nothing but love them for the partner who dumped them but is willing to take them back. Understanding this is no guarantee you won’t get hurt. However, if you’re realistic about love – recognizing you can’t expect it to be fair – and about the danger from potential mate poachers, you might have a shot at amping up your game and fending them off. To be on the alert for them, keep in mind the physical features that make a man especially attractive to a single woman on the prowl: broad shoulders, a chiseled jaw and big perky boobs on the girlfriend sitting on his lap.