ADVICE GODDESS

BED OVER HEELS?

I’m a 29-year-old guy with a “keep it casual” relationship history, but I can’t stop thinking about this new girl at work. Beyond not wanting her to date anyone else, I don’t want someone to hurt her or make her sad. No other woman has ever made me feel this way. How do I know whether this is lust or the beginnings of falling in love? — Confused

It’s easy to believe you’re “in love” when you’re really just in lust. To be fair, lust is a form of love...if you broaden the field to stuff like, “I love, love, LOVE your boobs in that inappropriately tight sweater.” In other words, lust is animal attraction, so the “inner beauty” that’s elemental to loving somebody is immaterial. I know this firsthand, having repeatedly been the target of interspecies sex predators, large and small.

A giant male goat chased me across my friend’s parents’ farm, trying to mount me – while my friends looked on laughing. A previous perv was 6 inches high and green: a friend’s lorikeet (a kind of parrot). He ran after me on his little bird feet all around another friend’s apartment, squawking the oh-sosensual pickup line, “Otto, bird! Otto, bird!” I bolted into the bathroom, slammed the door and refused to come out till he was behind bars. #beaktoo

Complicating the detangling of “love or lust?” is another important question: “Love or infatuation?” Falling in love is not love. It’s infatuation – an intense, usually lust-fueled obsession with our idea of who a person is: a projection of our hopes and romantic fantasies that often has little relationship to who they really are. That said, the sheer strength and intoxicating nature of infatuation – like being blind drunk on romantic possibility instead of Jim Beam – often leads to premature feelings of “We’re perfect for each other!”

People tend to believe the more they learn about a new person they’re into, the more into them they’ll be – a la “to know them is to love them.” However, psychologist Michael I. Norton finds that when we have the hots for someone we barely know, we’re prone to read ambiguity – foggy, partial information about them – as signs the person is like us. These (perceived!) similarities amp up our “liking” for them – at first.

However, as time goes by, we can’t help but notice all the dissimilarities poking up, which leads us to like them less and less – a la “To know them is to loathe them.” In other words, rushing into a relationship of any permanence is the stuff dreams are made of -– if you’ve always dreamed of being financially and emotionally incinerated in a grotesquely ugly divorce.

“Buyer beware” in love is best exercised in two ways: The first is “buyer be seriously slow.” Consider putting the person you’re dating on secret probation for a year (or more). This will give you time to not just see the best in them but give it muchneeded company: glimpses of the worst.

Second, explore whether your compatibility with a person is surface – “I love sushi! She loves sushi!” – or sustainably deep. The ideal tool for assessing this is the best definition of love I’ve ever read, and by “best,” I mean the most practically useful. It’s by Ayn Rand. (And no, I’m not one of the glassy-eyed worshippers of everything she ever said or wrote, but she nailed it on this.)

“Love is a response to values,” writes Rand. “It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love – with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures. ...It is one’s own sense of life that acts as the selector,” identifying one’s own core values in the other person.

Using this “values model” to determine compatibility requires some preliminary work: figuring out your own values, meaning the principles you care most about – the guiding standards for the sort of person you want to be. If you’re in the “gotta get started on that” stage, recognizing what isn’t love – those love fakers, lust and infatuation – should help you avoid sliding into the committed relationship nightmare zone.

Ultimately, love is nautical: It’s both the ship that launched a thousand sappy cliches and, more vitally, a lifeboat. In lifeboat form, it gets romantic partners through the worst of times, major and, um, somewhat less major – like when your bae spends your entire date night searching Hulu for a movie to watch. Love is dropping your phone in the goldfish bowl to keep yourself from whispering, “Hey, Siri, where’s the legal line between murder and involuntary manslaughter?”

Across

1 Band with horns 8 Some fits 14 “Or perhaps less” 20 Go on a rampage 21 November pardon recipient 22 End of a sentence 23 Tournament pairings in

Fort Wayne,

Denver and

Kennebunkport? 25 Without delay 26 Personnel groups 27 A 20-sided one may be used in Dungeons &

Dragons 28 Bit of Lab love 30 Pericles foe 31 Hot Wheels item 33 Regular observance in

Bangor, St. Louis,

Providence and

Mobile? 35 Grandpa

Simpson 38 Cheering noise 39 Fill up 40 They may have

EIKs 41 They may be uncut 43 __ Díaz de Vivar (El Cid) 46 Reddit Q&A sessions 47 Bagel topping 50 Bread spread in Montgomery,

Jefferson City and Fargo? 52 Showed the way 53 “Murder, She

Wrote” setting

Cabot __ 54 Formal topper 55 Screenwriter

James 56 Fronts divide them 58 Cleave 59 Hilton rival 61 Ancient Dead

Sea kingdom 64 Far less friendly 65 “A Wrinkle in

Time” director

DuVernay 66 Tableware in

Boston, South

Bend, Baton

Rouge and

Bismarck? 70 Old draft org. 72 Amazon’s sector 74 Did 75 Base opposite 76 Cable station for 45 yrs. 77 “Shape of You”

Grammy winner 80 Moderate, with

“up” 82 Religion of Mecca 84 Some Kias 85 Gadot of “Wonder

Woman” 86 What can capture

Santa Barbara,

Grand Forks and

Boise? 89 Journalist Curry 90 Cry hard 91 Pasta order 92 Shoe part 93 Route-finding app 94 Writer Bombeck 95 Contractor’s no. 97 Power-washing meas. 98 Olympiads in

Little Rock,

Fresno and

Dover? 102 Modesto Nuts’ baseball level, historically 105 Tackle neighbor 106 Giants manager

Kapler 107 Orc, to an Elf 108 JFK’s 109 112 Name of six popes 114 Traffic cone color in Quincy, Minot,

Bentonville and

Bloomington? 117 Supply 118 Big Easy cuisine 119 Coffeehouse job 120 Implored 121 Patronizing words, maybe 122 Mountain wind

Down

1 NFL analyst

Collinsworth 2 Track 3 Atahualpa, e.g. 4 Lara of “Tomb

Raider” games 5 Try to achieve 6 Homers, in baseball lingo 7 Gambling initials 8 Part of a flight 9 Purplish shade 10 Target of Indy’s quest 11 He-Man nemesis 12 Relaxing bubble bath, say 13 Food service giant 14 Pub pick 15 Campaign funders 16 Online harassers 17 Worked to perfect 18 Big name in metal 19 Itsy-bitsy 24 Food label fig. 29 “Seinfeld” doofus 32 Greek-style yogurt brand 33 Old wizard 34 Small tablet 35 First name in mystery 36 Trusted 37 Hermione

Granger portrayer 39 Browsing blueprint 42 Campus org. 44 Started eating 45 Hwy., e.g. 46 Clay became him 47 Worries too much (over) 48 Evokes a “TMI,” say 49 Strikes (out) 51 “Moonlight”

actress Harris 53 TV forensics letters 56 Easy as __ 57 Maine coastal park 60 Feminist filmcriticism subject 62 __-horse town 63 Riders, e.g. 67 Office PC linkup 68 Invites over 69 Summer quencher 71 Kenyan’s neighbor 73 “I see” reactions 77 Important period 78 Caesar salad dressing ingredient 79 Tie word 81 Gator’s tail? 83 Texter’s “No way!” 86 Lurched 87 Donation to the poor 88 Corruption metaphor 90 Disappointing social outing 93 In a watchful way 94 Head to sea 96 Sandal style 98 Audibly shocked 99 Less tactful 100 “Cheers” waitress 101 Big name in transmission repair 102 Apple pie-making tool 103 Welcoming garland 104 Bring shame to 107 FDR’s Scottie 109 Not duped by 110 New __ 111 Migratory seabird 113 Quiet go-ahead 115 One looking for a buck? 116 Food service trade org.

More Than 1 Million Seniors Have Taken Advantage of This “Retirement Secret”

With home prices soaring and interest rates at all-time lows, there’s never been a better time to consider a reverse mortgage

It’s a well-known fact that for many older Americans, the home is their single biggest asset, often accounting for more than 45% of their total net worth. And with interest rates

still near all-time lows while home values remain high, this combination creates the perfect dynamic for getting the most out of your built-up equity.

But, many aren’t taking advantage of this unprecedented period. According to new statistics from the mortgage industry, senior homeowners in the U.S. are now sitting on more than 9.23 trillion dollars* of unused

home equity.

Home Values at All Time Highs

Not only are people living longer than ever before, but there is also greater uncertainty in the economy. With home prices back up again, ignoring this “hidden wealth” may prove to be short-sighted when looking for the best long-term outcome.

All things considered, it’s not surprising that more than a million homeowners have already used a government-insured Home

FREE

oved ones

Our new Reverse Mortgage information guides & DVD are now available featuring award-winning actor and paid AAG spokesman,

Tom Selleck.

U.S.A.’s #1 Reverse Mortgage Company

As Featured on:

ABC, CBS, CNN & Fox News

Equity Conversion Mortgage (HECM) loan to turn their home equity into extra cash for retirement.

It’s a fact: no monthly mortgage payments are required with a government-insured HECM loan; however, the borrowers are still responsible for paying for the maintenance of their home, property taxes, homeowner’s insurance and, if required, their HOA fees.

Today, HECM loans are simply an effective way for homeowners 62 and older to get the extra cash they need to enjoy retirement.

Although today’s HECM loans have been improved to provide even greater financial protection for homeowners, there are still many misconceptions.

Available if You Still Owe on Your Home or Owe Nothing

For example, a lot of people mistakenly believe the home must be paid off in full in order to qualify for a HECM loan, which is not the case. In fact, one key advantage of a HECM is that the proceeds will first be used to pay off any existing liens on the property, which frees up cash flow, a huge blessing for seniors living on a fixed income. Unfortunately, many senior homeowners who might be better off with a HECM loan don’t even bother to get more information because of rumors they’ve heard.

In fact, a recent survey by American Advisors Group (AAG), the nation’s number one HECM lender, found that over 98% of their clients are satisfied with their loans. While these special loans are not for everyone, they can be a real lifesaver for senior homeowners — especially in times like these.

Thanks to the money received through an AAG Reverse Mortgage, seniors everywhere are enjoying their retirement and worrying less on how to pay monthly bills.

Use the Extra Cash for Almost Anything

The cash from a HECM loan can be used for almost any purpose. Other common uses include making home improvements, paying off medical bills or helping other family members. Some people simply need the extra cash for everyday expenses while others are now using it as a safety net for financial emergencies.

If you’re a homeowner age 62 or older, you owe it to yourself to learn more so that you can make the best decision for your financial future.

We’re here and ready to help.

Homeowners who are interested in learning more can request a FREE, no obligation Reverse Mortgage Guide by calling toll-free at 800-791-7450

*https://www.yahoo.com/now/senior-housing-wealth-exceeds-record-150300719.html

Reverse mortgage loan terms include occupying the home as your primary residence, maintaining the home, paying property taxes and homeowners insurance. Although these costs may be substantial, AAG does not establish an escrow account for these payments. However, a set-aside account can be set up for taxes and insurance, and in some cases may be required. Not all interest on a reverse mortgage is tax-deductible and to the extent that it is, such deduction is not available until the loan is partially or fully repaid. AAG charges an origination fee, mortgage insurance premium (where required by HUD), closing costs and servicing fees, rolled into the balance of the loan. AAG charges interest on the balance, which grows over time. When the last borrower or eligible non-borrowing spouse dies, sells the home, permanently moves out, or fails to comply with the loan terms, the loan becomes due and payable (and the property may become subject to foreclosure). When this happens, some or all of the equity in the property no longer belongs to the borrowers, who may

need to sell the home or otherwise repay the loan balance. V2021.06.21 HYBRID NMLS# 9392 (www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org). American Advisors Group (AAG) is headquartered at 18200 Von Karman Ave., Suite 300, Irvine, CA 92612. Licensed in 49 states. Please go to www.aag.com/legal-information for full state license information. These materials are not from HUD or FHA and were not approved by HUD or a government agency.