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Possibilities are endless in the new year

BY JUDY BLUHM

Foothills Focus Columnist

Another year. And another year older. It is my granddaughter Bella’s birthday today. She is thrilled to be 6 years old. My husband Doug’s birthday is Friday. He has little enthusiasm for being a year older, but Bella has enough excitement for all of us. At Christmas, I gave her a furry little purse. She thanked me, then asked if I knew she was having a birthday. I laughed, “Of course.” Bella went on to explain that her birthday is going to be one of the “most fantastic days of my life” and that turning 6 “will be the best year ever.” I inquired about what would make her year “the best ever.” She replied, “I will learn a lot of new things; there will be sleepovers, vacations, parties, swimming, fun and cookies.” When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she squealed, “A unicorn!” Then she did a cartwheel.

Aww, the exuberance of youth. Kids love birthdays! Doug won’t be doing cartwheels (but I asked him to try one). Aging can be rough. Years start adding up faster than we like and then we are shocked at how time flew by. My grandmother used to say that growing old is like a roll of toilet paper — when you start getting to the end it goes real fast. True, but I will try to look at future birthdays through the eyes of Bella. Another year holds the promise of “learning lots of new things” and might include a cookie or two.

Buying birthday presents for kids is pretty easy. And relatively inexpensive. Simple toys, dolls, trucks or a furry little purse can make a child smile. For adults, especially parents and grandparents, giving and receiving meaningful gifts is a lot harder. One man in his 60s claimed his kids have given him so many bottles of Old Spice over the years that the boxed (and unopened bottles) line his closet like dead soldiers. He said that if he ever took them all to the dump and poured out the cologne, it would cause the entire county to wreak of Old Spice. The only thing he likes is the cheeky claim on every box that says, “If your grandfather hadn’t worn Old Spice, you wouldn’t exist.” Haha, might be true, but the point is that we need to get a bit

see BLUHM page 12

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THE FOOTHILLS FOCUS | THEFOOTHILLSFOCUS.COM | JANUARY 5, 2022

OPINION 11 ••

The news in preview: My kingdom for an abacus

BY DAVID LEIBOWITZ Foothills Focus Columnist

Let’s be honest: 2022 may be a real downer. Every time you turn on the news, there’s a new variant, new booster shots, a new court fight over masks.

The only smart choice? Quit consuming news.

To aid in your decision not to pay attention, I’ve peered ahead 365 days. Herewith, a 2022 year in review.

Jan. 30. The Arizona Cardinals, left shorthanded by COVID-19, lure Larry Fitzgerald off the golf course to play in the NFC championship game. Despite Fitz catching two touchdowns from reactivated quarterback Kurt Warner, age 50, the Cardinals fall to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and senior citizen QB Tom Brady. Feb. 1. Republican gubernatorial frontrunner Kari Lake makes news when she chooses the first day of Black History Month to advocate for “White History Months.” In a press conference held at Hobby Lobby, Lake proposes that the months of January, March, May, July, August, October, and December – “which all have 31 days, so they’re better” – be dedicated to teaching white history. She also suggests that “we give the Asians a week in June, because they’re great, but not, like, a whole month’s worth.” April 21. Three weeks into baseball season, Arizona Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick tweets that his team “is still undefeated and still in first place.” While the statement is technically true, Kendrick is roasted by the Arizona sports media, which note that the baseball lockout means no team has played a game yet. Kendrick lashes out at what he calls “media negativity.” He goes on to accurately note: “The truth is, this is still better than last year.” May 17. President Joe Biden addresses the American people on a new pandemic development – we have officially run out of Greek letters to create variant names. In an ingenious move to raise revenue, Biden announces the federal government will now sell “variant sponsorships” to the highest bidder.

First up? The “Amazon variant,” which will come to your house and infect you several days after its scheduled arrival. June 19. The Phoenix Suns win their first NBA championship in four straight games over the Milwaukee Bucks. Hey, it’s a dream column. A guy can fantasize, right? Aug. 12. Ten days after the conclusion of a contentious primary election, Arizona Senate Republicans announce plans to hire a private company, Abacus, to audit the results. The company promises a “handcount of the 900,000 votes tallied statewide, using a specially selected team of Sun City residents, each armed with an abacus and a very sharp No. 2 pencil. We should finish by October – of 2024.” Oct. 1. No longer able to play in Glendale, the Arizona Coyotes announce they’ll play the upcoming NHL season at USA Skateland, a Chandler roller rink. Owner Alex Meruelo says he intends for his team to win all 40 home games, now played on roller skates because it’s “way cheaper than ice.”

Fans who attend Coyotes games will get 10 free foosball tokens and a slice of cheese pizza. “Pepperoni is extra,” a team spokesman confirms.

Nov. 8. After Democrat Katie Hobbs wins election by four votes over Kari Lake, Lake announces that she’s hired the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to conduct an election audit. While masked spokesman Donatello is silent at Lake’s press conference, he does swing his wooden bō staff when Lake accuses Democrats of “massive election fraud” and “stealing this election.” Dec. 31. Newspaper columnist David Leibowitz retires after all his 2022 predictions come true. “It’s time,” said Leibowitz, who recently recovered from a near-deadly infection with the COVID-19 Taco Bell variant. “I always wanted to go out on a high note,” said the columnist. “And you don’t get any higher than this.”

THE FOOTHILLS FOCUS | THEFOOTHILLSFOCUS.COM | JANUARY 5, 2022

Biden, Fauci talk about COVID-19 wearing thin

BY J.D. HAYWORTH

Foothills Focus Columnist

The early days of 2022 are not so much “the winter of our discontent” as they are days of discombobulation.

During the campaign, Joe Biden channeled his geriatric Tom Cruise right down to the aviator sunglasses and assured us he would shoot down COVID-19. But on Dec. 27, not quite one year into his term, he used a virtual meeting with the nation’s governors to virtually abandon all the bragging, bravado and bluff he barked out on the stump. On confronting COVID-19, Biden said, “Look…there is no federal solution. This gets solved at the state level.”

Lucky for Ol’ Joe that the First Amendment allows “bait and switch” on the campaign trail; otherwise, he might be facing a consumer complaint of public policy fraud.

Of course, the citizenry sees what’s going on and recent poll numbers reveal that the coming judgment of voters could be harsh. A Civiqs rating conducted over the final weekend of 2021 found only 36% of registered voters approved of his job performance. That leaves Democrats in the House and Senate trying to figure out how to hang on to their jobs as they face the 2022 midterms in early November.

While whispered complaints may be heard in the Dems’ Capitol Hill cloakrooms, there’s a growing consensus that another aging government official will soon need to “retire.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci may still enjoy the undying admiration of leftist elites— MSNBC’s Nicolle Wallace described herself on-air as a “Fauci groupie…thrice vaccinated, mask adherent.” But the talk about the diminutive doctor has turned dismissive. “The Drudge Report” isn’t what it used to be, since founder Matt Drudge took his millions and left editorial control to others. Yet even the new, more moderate editors found fault with Fauci, citing the more than 800,000 COVID-19 deaths and his own advancing age. The headline was emboldened in red: “Too old?”

Too self-infatuated, comes the unspoken reply.

Followers of Fauci-ism seek his face and believe his words to the exclusion of anyone or anything else. How sad that they’ve ignored the most cogent explanation concerning the arrival of the new Omicron variant, offered by Dr. Robert Malone. Malone, developer of the mRNA vaccine platform, believes that Omicron “looks an awful lot like a Christmas present.” Simply stated, he thinks this new variant is a mild form of the ailment—highly contagious, almost never fatal, and the perfect vehicle for building national immunity within the populace.

Instead of promoting the promise of this possibility, Fauci-ists regard this theory as heresy. Malone has been banned by Twitter, but many are atwitter with excitement. Eventually, Fauci-ism will fall by the wayside, a casualty of no credibility and even less common sense.

Besides, the author and perfecter of a much older faith told his flock, “You shall know the truth and the truth will make you free.”

Expect Fauci to wind up outside of government service quite soon, banished to an exile in a place even worse than Washington, D.C. – a place known as “East of Eden.”

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BLUHM from page 10 more creative when it comes to gift giving for “older folks.”

One of my colleagues claims he bought his 70-year-old mother the perfect gift for her birthday last week. What might a “perfect” gift be for a lady of a certain age? A bottle of Jack Daniels and 50 bucks in quarters so she could play the slots at her favorite casino. Guess this gives new meaning to “live your best life.” I have a friend who is in her mid70s and receives items like slippers as gifts, and while she is appreciative, she says she doesn’t want to be defined by “old lady items.” Gift giving can be complicated!

Birthdays. A New Year. A year older. Not necessarily wiser. But with the right cologne, a cartwheel and a unicorn, the possibilities are endless.

Judy Bluhm is a writer and a local Realtor. Have a story or a comment? Email Judy at judy@judybluhm.com.