5 minute read
Opinion
EXECUTIVE EDITOR
DEPUTY EDITOR
Luke Netzley lnetzley@timespublications.com
CONTRIBUTORS
Bliss Bowen, Jeff Favre, Laura Latzko, Bridgette M. Redman, Ellen Snortland
ART DIRECTOR
Stephanie Torres storres@timespublications.com
Fear of landing: Falling is easy
By Ellen Snortland Pasadena Weekly Columnist
PHOTOGRAPHER Chris Mortenson
ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER
ZAC REYNOLDS
Zac@TimesPublications.com (626) 360-2811
ADVERTISING
SALES AND MARKETING
Lisa Chase For Advertising Information Call (626) 360-2811
CLASSIFIED ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE
Ann Turrietta (Legals)
OFFICE MANAGER
Ann Turrietta
TIMES MEDIA GROUP
PRESIDENT
Steve Strickbine
VICE PRESIDENT, CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER
Michael Hiatt
Pasadena Weekly is published every Thursday. Pasadena Weekly is available free of charge. No person may, without prior written permission from Pasadena Weekly, take more than one copy of each weekly issue. Additional copies of the current issue if available may be purchased for $1, payable in advance, at Pasadena Weekly office. Only authorized Pasadena Weekly distributors may distribute the Pasadena Weekly. Pasadena Weekly has been adjudicated as a newspaper of general circulation in Court Judgment No. C-655062. Copyright: No news stories, illustrations, editorial matter or advertisements herein can be reproduced without written permission of copyright owner. All rights reserved, 2022.
HOW TO REACH US
Address:
PO Box 1349, South Pasadena CA 91030 Telephone: (626) 584-1500 Fax: (626) 795-0149
AUDITED CIRCULATION of 26,275 Serving Alhambra, Altadena, Arcadia, Eagle Rock, Glendale, La Cañada Flintridge, Montrose, Pasadena, San Marino, Sierra Madre and South Pasadena
“The first thing you need to know is that flying is easy. It’s landing that can kill you.” As a newbie broadcast reporter for a spoof news program in Sacramento, I got the best — and scariest — assignments.
Our program, “TV Lite,” was like “The Daily Show,” 25 years ahead of time, and I was their Samantha Bee. KCRA was a large NBC affiliate in a capital city, and we were broadcasting a yearlong pilot for a parody news program that ultimately did not sell.
I share all this as background because one of my assignments was to fly solo in an ultra-light aircraft and film it. Great… except I’m scared spitless of heights! Fortunately, my courage often overshadows my common sense or fear. I was required to spend three hours in “flight school” before I could take off. We spent a lot of time in school talking about landing. What an apt metaphor for human beings of a certain age who say they’re afraid of falling when they are actually afraid of landing.
I made friends with landings thanks to my gymnastics background as a kid and then my middle-aged passion for learning and teaching self-defense. An evangelist for emotional, verbal and physical self-defense, my book and film “Beauty Bites Beast” are testaments to my passion. In gymnastics and self-defense, counter-intuitive as it may seem, relaxing into a fall is the way to minimize injury. One of my dreams is to create a course for older people terrified of falling. I would put it under the rubric of the 501(c)(3) IMPACT Personal Safety of Los Angeles as a pilot for a global program. But I digress.
Not long after I got my first Apple Watch, imagine my surprise when its “Fall Detection” function asked me if I’d fallen for no apparent reason. I am sitting in my rocker in my living room with my writing students when suddenly there’s an alert on my watch. I read it in silence while my students gaze on. “No, I haven’t fallen, you piece of crap Apple Watch!” Yes, I yell at my watch. All I had done was state something emphatically. When my Dick Tracy-type miracle of a watch feels my animated self, it apparently kicks into “have you fallen?” mode. The ignoramus device is ready to send the EMTs over. I poke the “I did not fall” selection in time to avoid a scene.
Did the Apple software developers ask people concerned about falls what they’d like to see in a feature like that? Did they consult geriatric health care providers? Do they provide an option where the wearer can register their own worries? For instance, for people of any age, this “have you fallen” app could record when and where they are hiking, when to expect them back, and who to contact if they don’t return. But no.
I have actually fallen twice, and neither time set off the fall feature. Why is my watch more upset at my self-expression than my relationship with gravity? Right now, Apple is airing a “911” ad showing how the watch has saved people’s lives… except none of them are elderly, nor have they fallen.
I have bird feeders next to our Urbanite landscaping (Urbanite is recycled and repurposed concrete). It can be dicey to walk there since we don’t have mortar between our steppingstones. Bam! Down I go, on my side, no worse for wear. Did my Apple Watch ask me if I fell? No, it did not. What a tease.
But the doozy of a fall that “should” have alerted my Apple Watch happened when I was taking care of a good friend’s dog, Bonzai. My friend’s husband needed to pick up Bonzai earlier than we had planned. He texted to say he was outside our house to pick up their pet. I still had my jammies on, so I slipped on a presentable dress to meet him. Bonzai heard his voice before I could open the gate properly. She circled me, wound her leash around my legs, and pulled me over when she saw her dad. Splat! Her 65 pounds of pull splayed me out.
Of course, Bonzai’s dad was horrified. “Are you OK?” “Yes, I’m fine.” “Are you sure?” “I just need to untangle my legs from Bonzai’s lead.” “Are you hurt?” “No, really, I’m fine. I know how to fall.” Not convinced, he was nonetheless eager to get away, and I’m eager for him to leave, too. I furtively liberated myself from the leash, and off they went. Little did he know that my biggest concern was mooning him, as I hadn’t had time to put on underwear when he’d texted his arrival. He did not sign up for that!
In the meantime, before I develop a pilot program for older people and self-defense that works for any age and gender, Apple developers, give me a call. Defined in a meaningful sense, self-defense applies to all sorts of circumstances, not just assaults. Learning how to land is gravitational self-defense. And Apple, you need to work on that app.
Ellen Snortland has written “Consider This…” for a heckuva long time, and she also coaches first-time book authors! Contact her at ellen@beautybitesbeast.com.
•CARTOON•
We want to hear from you!
Being in print is a lot more meaningful than grouching on Facebook. Send compliments, complaints and insights about local issues to christina@timespublications.com.
