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The world is going to the dogs

By Ellen Snortland Pasadena Weekly Columnist

Sitting on the porch of our 99-year-old Spanish bungalow in gorgeous Altadena, we are thousands of miles away from the horror happening in Ukraine… and Buffalo. Thinking about how Fox News hosts have been yammering about “white replacement theory” nightly, I ask my husband, “Do you feel like the Germans must have felt when Brownshirts took to the streets?”

“Yes, and the Italians, too,” he says.

“I have such difficulty dealing with what’s going on, yet still hoping that someone will lead us out of the Crazy-Ville we’re living in that gets nuttier every day,” I say.

“What’s your column going to be about this week?”

“Let’s see, I could write about ultra-rightwing nutjobs, modern American fascism, mass shootings, sexism, racism, Drumpf, Madison Cawthorne’s loss in N.C., extreme weather events including the water crisis in California, haters, Roe v. Wade… there’s more, but my brain hurts thinking about the deeply troubling conditions all around us. So, instead, I’m going with something light-hearted.” Ken lights up aptly enough and says, “Great idea!”

I have made peace with a sister who is not easy to be at peace with. To wit: when I called her to let her know I was getting married for the third time to a man who was perfect for me, she said, “I can’t understand what people see in you.” OK, then! Most people who had that thought would have the social savvy to censor themselves and not put their thoughts on a public address system. My sister is not like most people.

Through lots of years of work on myself, I was able to take a deep breath and say — and really mean — “Yes, I can see that. There’s no accounting for taste, is there?” (Reader, hang in there: I’ll lighten up the mood in a second!)

One of the revelations I had concerning the often-fraught relationships with my sister and my late niece was that they were cats, and I am a sloppy, rambunctious Labrador.

So, when I would bound into a room, their first instincts were to run and hide under a bed until I left. When I announced my marriage plan, my sister, in her cat-like way, couldn’t fathom someone choosing to be with a Labrador.

Her point of view was reality. Not simply fact to her, but reality. Same with my late niece. After years of cringing when around me, she finally told me, “I’ve never liked you.” Hard to hear, for sure; after all, I’m not a Saint… Bernard. But I am a Lab, and I can pretty much shake off unpleasantness in a short amount of time, especially if you throw a ball.

If there’s someone you are having a hard time dealing with in your life, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “If this person was an animal, what critter would they be?” This metaphor for soothing hurt feelings is best founded on the notion of your being an animal lover. If you hate animals, and wouldn’t be caught dead living with one, never mind. Try different types of cars or transportation, e.g., I’m a bicycle, and they are a Porsche.

Many of us can give grace to animals such as dogs and chalk their behavior up to: “That’s simply a dog being a dog.”

Is your friend who is consistently nudging you, trying to control you (and everything else), and making unsolicited suggestions possibly an Australian Shepherd with a strong herding instinct? Maybe in their world, you seem like a pokey sheep that will run over a riverbank and drown. Your friend is simply doing their job. They, at some primal level, believe they are keeping you alive. Context is decisive.

Or, is your dear friend from college too enthusiastic, too loud, too, you fill-in-the-blank? Perhaps you are a cat and prefer gentleness, subtlety and purring instead of jumping on furniture. That takes some of the harsh judgment away, doesn’t it?

Psychology 101 tells us that people won’t change unless they initiate the change themselves. Seriously, have you ever transformed a behavior because someone else wanted you to? Maybe it’s just me (it’s not), but I’ve got to identify the problem and initiate the alteration myself.

I no longer lick my sister’s face, sniff her or bark at her. I’ve toned it down because I want our relationship to be better, not because she complained about me or asked me to un-Lab myself.

This brings to mind “The Serenity Prayer,” written in 1932 by Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr of the Union Theological Seminary in New York. Although I’m not much of a religious or prayerful person, I do use the Serenity Prayer almost like a mantra when I’m troubled: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Can I change another person? Nope. Can I change the minds of wingnuts? No. Can I change my view of a troubled relationship to make peace with that person? Yes. And I did.

Ellen Snortland has written this column for decades and also teaches creative writing. She can be reached at: ellen@beautybitesbeast. com. Her award-winning film “Beauty Bites Beast” is available for download or streaming at https://vimeo.com/ondemand/beautybitesbeast

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