Tucson Weekly, Dec. 30 2021

DANEHY: The Best Movies, TV, Music & Books of 2021 MUSIC: Top 10 Albums TUCSON WEEDLY: The Year We Legalized Pot

DEC. 30, 2021 - JAN. 5, 2022 • TUCSONWEEKLY.COM • FREE

Reliving the

Lowlights of Pandemic Year 2

By Leo W. Banks

The Year in

Politics

By Rachel Leingang and Hank Stephenson

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DECEMBER 30, 2021

DECEMBER 30, 2021 | VOL. 36, NO. 52

TUCSONWEEKLY.COM

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STAFF

CONTENTS FEATURE

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Year In Review: 2021 was full of stupidity and politics, but at least it was entertaining

CITY WEEK

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Events, sales and plays going on around town this week

MUSIC

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Our favorite (non-Tucson) albums of the year

MUSIC

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EDITOR’S NOTE

Goodbye 2021, Hello Omicron IT’S THAT WEIRD WEEK BETWEEN the celebration of Christmas and the celebration of New Year’s Day, when it’s hard to focus much on work and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. Sadly, this holiday season also brings with it a most unwanted gift: the new COVID variant of Omicron.

We’re still learning about this latest strain, but here’s the bad news: Omicron appears highly transmissible and capable of infecting even the vaccinated and the boosted. I’m hearing a lot of anecdotes about breakthrough cases. The good news: It appears to deliver a milder case of COVID, especially among the vaccinated.

So if you haven’t been vaccinated or boosted, you might as well celebrate 2022 by getting your shot. And if you have your shot, you might want to start resuming some of those COVID mitigation strategies we are all tired of: Wear a mask in public, avoid crowded indoor spaces, etc. (You know the drill by now.) It’s a drag, but Omicron is shaping up to be a massive new wave washing over us. And it comes just when we thought we were starting to get a handle on this bug.

I can personally say 2021 was a better year than 2020, but COVID remains a real threat.

Here in Arizona, hospitals are at or near capacity. More than 24,000 people in the state have

died after contracting the novel coronavirus, including 3,150 in Pima County as of Tuesday, Dec. 28. And the virus remains widespread.

With this issue, we close the books on 2021. Contributor Leo W. Banks does his usual homage to the gang at Esquire with his roundup of the absurd moments of the year (with illustrations from longtime friend of TW Hector Acuña). Rachel Leingang and Hank Stephenson of the Arizona Agenda recount the year in politics. (And if you haven’t subscribed to Rachel and Hank’s political newsletter on Substack, make it your 2022 resolution to do so—it’s great!) Tom Danehy tells us favorite books, movies, TV shows and music of the year.

Managing editor Jeff Gardner shares his top albums. Tucson Weedly columnist David Abbott rounds up the year in cannabis. And there’s more for you in our pages, so dig in!

Here’s to good fortune and great times in 2022!

Jim Nintzel Executive Editor Hear Nintz talk about all things Tucson Weekly at 9:30 a.m. Wednesday mornings during the world-famous Frank Show on KLPX, 96.1 FM.

RANDOM SHOTS By Rand Carlson

ADMINISTRATION Steve T. Strickbine, Publisher Michael Hiatt, Vice President Jaime Hood, General Manager, jaime@tucsonlocalmedia.com Tyler Vondrak, Associate Publisher, tyler@tucsonlocalmedia.com Claudine Sowards, Accounting, claudine@tucsonlocalmedia.com Sheryl Kocher, Receptionist, sheryl@tucsonlocalmedia.com EDITORIAL Jim Nintzel, Executive Editor, jimn@tucsonlocalmedia.com Jeff Gardner, Managing Editor, jeff@tucsonlocalmedia.com Alexandra Pere, Staff Reporter, apere@timespublications.com Nicole Feltman, Staff Reporter, nfeltman@timespublications.com Contributors: David Abbott, Rob Brezsny, Max Cannon, Rand Carlson, Tom Danehy, Emily Dieckman, Bob Grimm, Andy Mosier, Linda Ray, Margaret Regan, Will Shortz, Jen Sorensen, Clay Jones, Dan Savage PRODUCTION Courtney Oldham, Production Manager, tucsonproduction@timespublications.com Ryan Dyson, Graphic Designer, ryand@tucsonlocalmedia.com Emily Filener, Graphic Designer, emilyf@tucsonlocalmedia.com CIRCULATION Alex Carrasco, Circulation, alexc@tucsonlocalmedia.com ADVERTISING TLMSales@TucsonLocalMedia.com Kristin Chester, Account Executive, kristin@tucsonlocalmedia.com Candace Murray, Account Executive, candace@tucsonlocalmedia.com NATIONAL ADVERTISING Zac Reynolds Director of National Advertising Zac@TimesPublications.com Tucson Weekly® is published every Thursday by Times Media Group at 7225 N. Mona Lisa Rd., Ste. 125, Tucson, Arizona. Address all editorial, business and production correspondence to: Tucson Weekly, 7225 N. Mona Lisa Rd., Ste. 125, Tucson, Arizona 85741. Phone: (520) 797-4384, FAX (520) 575-8891. Member of the Association of Alternative Newsmedia (AAN). The Tucson Weekly® and Best of Tucson® are registered trademarks of Times Media Group. Publisher has the right to refuse any advertisement at his or her discretion.

XOXO: Who is performing, and where, this week?

TUCSON WEEDLY

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Looking back at a year of legal weed in Arizona

Cover art by Hector Acuña

Copyright: The entire contents of Tucson Weekly are Copyright Times Media Group No portion may be reproduced in whole or part by any means without the express written permission of the Publisher, Tucson Weekly, 7225 N. Mona Lisa Rd., Ste. 125, Tucson, AZ 85741.

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DANEHY

TOM’S BEST OF 2021 LIST OF MOVIES, TV, BOOKS AND MUSIC

By Tom Danehy, tucsonweekly@tucsonlocalmedia.com A LOOK BACK AT 2021, which, thankfully, didn’t suck as much as 2020: • Favorite Movie: The Power of the Dog. Due to COVID concerns, I only saw two movies in the theater this year. (I actually have zero concerns for myself. I would bet that if I got tested, it would show that I already had the virus and didn’t even know it.

For some reason, I’m blessed. I’m as healthy as a horse (as long as it’s not trained by Bob Baffert.)

Anyway, the other movie I saw was the James Bond thing, which was the cinematic version of the saying “A camel is a horse built by a committee.” It was long and tedious and sullen.

I kept thinking, over and over again, that there might indeed be No Time To Die, but there had to be a time to leave the theater and we were way past it. The only cool thing about that movie was the almost-dance scene in Havana with Ana De Armas and even that felt like it had been tacked on to keep the movie from being a total downer.

That movie left no doubt that the Bond series has been passed by the Mission:

SORENSEN

Impossible franchise.

As for my favorite (by default, really) movie, Benedict Cumberbatch is absolutely terrifying as a bullying Montana rancher in the 1920s. Kirsten Dunst is also outstanding, clearly her best work since Bring It On. (I’m sorta not kidding.)

• Favorite TV Show: Ted Lasso. I know, I know, that’s so predictable, but I love that show and almost everything about it. After the first season caught everyone by surprise with its goofy premise (an American football coach brought to England to coach a top-level soccer team), its offbeat cast of characters, and its quirky humor, I was afraid that it would be a one-season wonder.

That mostly turned out not to be the case as character development, interesting subplots, and suspenseful game action kept things moving along.

One small beef: Remember how the phrase “jumping the shark” came about?

Oh the old Happy Days series, they ran out of fresh ideas and had Fonzie water ski over a pool of sharks. A later version of that phrase was “The Nebraska Episode” on Dexter, when the title character, in the middle of a suspenseful season, just took a

trip to Nebraska for God knows what.

Well, there was a bar-hopping episode of Ted Lasso that was the equivalent of somebody jumping a shark in Nebraska.

It was horrible! They eventually redeemed themselves with later episodes and I look forward to Season 3.

I also liked Only Murders in the Building, a subversive sendup of true-crime podcasts starring Steve Martin, Martin Short and (seriously!) Selena Gomez. It’s wicked fun and has a bizarre list of guest stars, including Tina Fey, Nathan Lane and Sting.

• Favorite Book: Facing The Mountain by Daniel James Brown. This book, by the guy who wrote the soaring The Boys In the Boat, is gut-wrenching and spiritually uplifting at the same time. It tells the history of the 442nd, the Infantry regiment made up of Asian Americans who fought (and died in horrific numbers) in the European Theater in World War II. The nerve of the United States government to take these young men out of concentration camps and throw them at the Germans is appalling. Add to that the fact that they sent them to God-forsaken Mississippi to train, assigned them racist commanders and continued to deny them citizenship even as they fought and died.

One extra twist that is rarely discussed was the open (and often violent) animosity between the “Buddhaheads” (from Hawai’i) and the “kotonks” (from the mainland).

After fighting bravely and winning more medals than any other outfit in the Army,

these men did not receive a hero’s welcome upon returning home and many went years or even decades unable to find a decent job or ever fully enjoy the benefits that come with being an American. Brutally unfair.

• Favorite Album: An Evening With Silk Sonic by Silk Sonic (Bruno Mars and Anderson Paak). The album was supposed to be released Nov. 12, but it has been pushed back until January at the earliest to allow for the re-working of a couple songs. But they’ve been releasing songs and videos from it and it’s just magnificent.

It’s totally a vanity project, with song after luscious song serving as an homage to the silky (there’s no other word for it) soul of the 1970s. Mars and Paak might be singing, but you hear The Stylistics, the Chi-Lites, and Tower of Power.

I also really liked Adele’s 30, but not as much as 21. And I LOVED Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well,” a 10-minute-long screw you to an ex performed live on Saturday Night Live. How cool it must be to be so talented that you can do just about anything and have it turn out to be classic. Good for her.

• Favorite Podcast: Well, I’ve never listened to a podcast, just as I have never listened to somebody read a book to me while I’m driving. It just seems odd to me.

For some reason, I’d rather listen to knuckleheads scream on sports-talk radio and/or brain-dead anti-vaxxers profess their love for Trump and their hatred of democracy on KNST. Weird. ■

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AUDITING 2021 This is 2021: William Shatner went to space, the Q Shaman went to jail and way too many of us went bananas. Paul Gosar is somehow still in Congress and UFOs are in our skies. Robocops are patrolling the Pima College campus and robo-couriers are delivering food on campus.

Isn’t it time we just turned everything over to the robots?

They surely can’t screw any worse than we have, as the our look back at 2021 shows.

HIS MAN CARD HAS BEEN REVOKED Former UA basketball star Rawle Alkins sued a Phoenix spa for allegedly screwing up his eyebrow waxing, leaving the skin above both eyebrows burned or missing. “Rawle had to take team photos with the scar,” said lawyer Randall Knutson, “and it has affected his marketing and social networking as a professional basketball player.” The lawyer failed to explain what possessed Alkins to have his eyebrows waxed in the first place.

SHRINKAGE Chemicals used in the manufacture of plastic products are making male penises smaller, says Shanna Swan, professor of environmental medicine at New York’s Mount Sinai Hospital.

Calling the matter a crisis in the making, Swan says modern babies have noticeably shorter wallies, due to chemicals seeping into toys and even some food.

OUR FAVORITE BABE IN D.C. Amid intense criticism for not automatically endorsing the Democrats ultra-progressive agenda, Arizona’s Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema was photographed wearing a ring engraved with the words “F— off.”

The left has targeted her for just about everything, including her clothes and, of course, her race. After Sinema wore a denim vest on the Senate floor, CNN’s Ana Navarro said: “… No woman of color could possibly dress like this, and act like this, and be taken seriously, much less elected.”

ARIZONA’S CAPITAL OF WEIRD NEVER DISAPPOINTS Loud protesters in Bisbee interrupted a wedding officiated by Arizona Sen. Kyrsten Sinema. The bride’s mother pleaded with the screaming neurotics to not ruin her daughter’s

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Looking Back at the Lowlights of Pandemic Year 2

By Leo W. Banks

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DECEMBER 30, 2021

faculty sometimes follow it videotaping it and taking pictures. The robot has yet to be given a name.

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wedding. Those who peered through the fence at the festivities saw the senator wearing a jacket that said, “Go sit on a cactus,” while dancing next to a person dressed as a unicorn.

NOAH’S LARK A UA professor is studying the possibility of using caves on the moon to store frozen samples of most of the world plants and animals. If everything goes to hell on Earth, Jekan Thanga says a rocket can reach the moon in four to five days to retrieve the material from underground lava caves carved billions of years ago. He calls his idea, based on the story of Noah’s Ark, an insurance policy.

WE LKE FLAGETTES AND FLAGOONS The Arizona Daily Sun newspaper in Flagstaff touched off a hot debate in the north country by referring to residents as Flagstaffians. Some readers objected and offered alternative suggestions, including Flagites and Flagstaffers. As of deadline, no official term has been adopted.

PAGING DR. TRULY NOLEN A doctor and nurse practitioner at TMC used maggots on an immune-compromised patient’s severely infected legs to keep her out of surgery. KOLD-TV reported that Dr. Erika Huston and nurse practitioner Ashley Garcia put medical maggots—which are raised in a sterile environment—on the wounds, hoping they would clean out the dead tissue. It worked. TMC hadn’t used maggots on a patient in 15 years.

WE’LL CALL IT WYATT A robot equipped with a badge, a call button and a camera now patrols the downtown campus of Pima Community College, searching for bad guys. Campus police chief Buddy James says students and

IT ONLY TAKES TIPS IN FORM OF BITCOIN The University of Arizona teamed up with Grubhub to launch a fleet of wheeled robots that deliver food across campus. Restaurant staff place the to-go order inside the rover’s food compartment and send it on its way to the hungry recipient, who can get the chow through a unique retrieval code.

“We know that our students are very interested in forward-thinking tech applications such as smart vending machines, and we hope that with this new delivery option, we can offer quicker deliveries, especially during rush times, across campus,” said Christine Carlson, director of dining and nutrition for UA’s Arizona Student Unions.

WE’RE BEGGING YOU: NO MORE NUGGETS ABOUT BILL CLINTON’S NUGGETS A posthumous memoir by Linda Tripp, the Pentagon employee who secretly recorded Monica Lewinsky’s retelling of her dalliance with President Bill Clinton, included an episode that occurred at Radio City Music Hall just before the 1996 election. “You absolutely won’t believe this,” Lewinsky said, “but I squeezed his balls right in the middle of throngs of people!”

LOOK HONEY, THE FERTILIZER GUY IS HERE Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva, a Democrat, talking about L.A.’s out-ofcontrol homeless problem: “Nothing will change your political viewpoint more than a transient taking a s---t in your front yard.”

THE FATHER OF ALL BOGIES On the first day of the Masters golf tournament, Rory Mcilroy’s shot on the 7th hole sailed into the crowd, hitting his own father in the leg. Mcilroy suggested pops put ice on it, adding, “Maybe I’ll autograph a bag of frozen peas for him.”

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THE YEAR IN

POLITICS

The going has gotten very weird when the Cyber Ninjas are special guest stars at the Arizona Legislature

By Rachel Leingang and Hank Stephenson

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way to earn the Trump endorsement.

It was door-to-door canvassing. It was hard to recruit talent. It was a payday for lawyers and a heyday for late night TV. It was the irregularities in Kelli Ward’s election to AZGOP chair. It was neverending irony. It was mean tweets and blue The audit consumes everything pens and krakens. It was a MAGA mecca. here to start with this all-consuming It was the friends hurricane of bullshit that stole 2021 we met along from us? the way: Rudy For those of us who lived the audit for Fann Giuliani, Staci Burk, the past year, the audit was so much more “The QAnon Shaman,” Alex Jones, Jovan than an audit.

Pulitzer, Ken Bennett, Anthony It was the Cyber Ninjas’ never Kern, Doug Logan, Christina Bobb and a ending Crazy Times Carnival at whole new Karen Fann. the Madhouse on McDowell and it was It was the death of the Permanent Early part of every major political story in the Voting List. It was a battle for public state this year. records. It was a battle for the heart It was Arizona as the site for a national and soul of the GOP. It was a careerconspiracy orgy: #Sharpiegate, bamboo ending leaked rant. It was a leaked result. fibers, South Korean aircrafts, shredded It was fake documents and fake news. ballots as plutonium, And it’s far from over. The Arizona audit nonexistent watermarks, secret paper will again take center stage when the foldings, Hugo Chavez and the Hickman legislature reconvenes in January, and chicken farm fire. we’re preparing for a whole new round of It was orange jumpsuits and death disinformation and mayhem. threats on politicians.

E’RE REMINISCING on the big stories of 2021: The Cyber Ninjas at the fairground, complete with a circus. The redistricting push. The attacks on school boards. The ascension of Sen. Kyrsten Sinema. The missing head of Carl Hayden. And, of course, COVID. We have to wonder: Can 2022 be even weirder? We’re about to find out.

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It subpoenas and (almost) voting to jail the Maricopa County supervisors. It was Paul Boyer’s last stand. It was Michelle UgentiRita’s fall from Chavez grace. It was the Republic’s best chance at a Pulitzer prize. It was a bipartisan fundraising bonanza. It was a ladder to the national stage and an open invitation to MSNBC. It was a tough break for Mark Brnovich and a sure

Redistricting grows up

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he 2020 census was a dud for Arizona, which expected to see enough population growth to pick up a 10th congressional district before the Arizona Independent Redistricting Commission cut up the state’s political boundaries once again.

For whatever reason — and the whole scaring immigrants out of answering the census thing was certainly part of it — Arizona didn’t earn a new congressional district, dashing local politicians’ hopes of crafting their own brand-new, tailored district.

Editor’s Note: Rachel Leingang and Hank Stephenson are the veteran (and kickass) reporters behind the Arizona Agenda, an online news agency focused on Arizona politics.

They combine deep-dive investigative reporting with a nearly daily newsletter rounding up the major stories of the day with a heaping helping of attitude. Learn more and subscribe to their newsletter at arizonaagenda.substack.com.

DECEMBER 30, 2021

But the redistricting process has so far been a major coup for civility and professionalism in an increasingly hostile and amateur political environment. Tensions are rising as the final maps draw near, but the governor hasn’t unconstitutionally thrown the chair off the commission, so it’s definitely going better than 2010.

Redistricting has a way of forcing politicians to reconsider their fates, and it’s directly responsible for a lot of the brain drain at the Capitol this year — a dozen lawmakers have joined the Great Resignation — as many pine for higher office or realize the job ain’t all it’s cracked up to be and now is a good time to get out.

contractors and large employers vaccinated, and the lawsuits are still ongoing.

Arizona colleges instituted mandates, though some later backed off. Arizona cities mostly kept quiet, with only Tucson requiring its employees to get vaccinated, and nearly all of them did, despite GOP state leaders’ rage against the requirement.

Phoenix tried to require vaccines, then stopped, but maybe will start again? Who knows.

All we really know is that COVID-19 is sticking around, and we’re in another wave now, one that impacts unvaccinated people at far higher rates than the vaccinated. We can safely bet that 2022 will bring some new pandemic fuckery. Grab a surfboard.

COVID-19 goes hard in 2021

Education at the center of politics

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h how naive we all were last year, thinking COVID-19 in 2021 couldn’t be worse than 2020. Such sweet, innocent souls.

The year started with a vaccine developed at breakneck pace, providing a tiny shot of optimism, which was soon drowned out by a host of vaccine conspiracies and rampant anti-vax sentiment that found friends in public office.

Mandates, real and imagined, came alongside vaccines, and lawsuits came after the mandates. Arizona sued over the Biden administration’s attempts to get federal

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on’t we seem like big geniuses since we laid out that school boards were becoming a partisan fiasco way back in August?

We really saw it coming, but everyone should have (and many of you did).

Since then, school board fever has spread Lake rapidly. Debates over critical race theory and COVID-19 mitigation efforts ignited school board

meetings around Arizona, with some parents spouting racist shit and one even threatening to zip tie the local principal. It’s weird out there, and it’s probably only going to get weirder.

A Google Drive with documents about parents who targeted school board members in Scottsdale went viral, though it was later found to be completely legal (not usually a great defense of your actions in the court of public opinion, though). Gubernatorial and U.S. Senate candidates rallied outside a school board meeting in November.

On the campaign trail, GOP gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake floated the idea of putting cameras in classrooms to keep an eye on teachers. The other candidates swiftly said the idea was terrible, and so did Gov. Doug Ducey, but don’t expect that debate to go away.

And, in the meantime, a huge amount of school funding hangs in the balance, awaiting legislative action to increase spending limits and allow schools to spend their already-allocated budgets.

Expect a flurry of education-related bills that take aim at school boards and perceptions of what schools are teaching, and a likely return of education bills, like mask bans, that got struck down by the Arizona Supreme Court.

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Sinema at center stage

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hen the whole country knows the name of your state’s senator, you know they’ve taken center stage.

We political junkies can’t make it through an airport these days without being reminded that U.S. Sen. Kyrsten Sinema stood in between the Biden administration and its plans for actually doing something.

Progressive protesters are pissed, and they’ll probably stay mad. They’ve found her in the bathroom Sinema at Arizona State University and at a wedding in Bisbee to make their displeasure known. ASU wants to charge the bathroom protesters, but the Maricopa County Attorney’s Office hasn’t yet (they’re still waiting on more information from the university before deciding whether to file charges, we confirmed).

Sinema has fashioned herself a centrist

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HIS PELLETS ARE THE SIZE OF A PRIUS A huge rabbit disappeared from its enclosure northwest of London. Darius, a Continental Giant rabbit, holds the Guinness record for longest bunny, measuring four feet, three inches. Owner Annette Edwards begged for its return, saying. “Please, please, I am so upset.

Can you bring my Darius back?”

THE MOST Continued from page 6

WE SHOULD CALL HIM DR. BUCKS Don “Dr. Blitz” Brown, UA football’s former defensive coordinator, was paid $1.7 million this year, according to the Arizona Daily Star. The UA paid $500,000 of that. Thanks to contract language from his previous employer, the University of Michigan, which fired him after last season, that school paid the remaining $1.2 million.

DON’T MESS WITH OUR FLAG, BABY GIRL Pima County Treasurer Beth Ford, a Republican, swore that the American flag flying upside outside her house had nothing to do with the election of Democrat Joe Biden as President. “Heck, no. I’m not that petty,” she told The Arizona Daily Star. She claimed the flag was in the distress position because of the pandemic. Until January, a Trump-Pence flag had been flying there; more recently, a Don’t Tread On Me flag has been flapping in the wind.

DUDE, MY BLUNT IS, LIKE, OUT TO GET ME Arizona’s marijuana dispensaries voluntarily recalled some of their fatty-dooby-munchie products after laboratory tests found possible contamination with salmonella or aspergillus.

Although no illnesses have been reported, the Arizona Department of Health Services advised purchases to dispose of the products out of an abundance of caution.

AN OFFER HE COULD REFUSE Actor Ray Liotta, who played Henry Hill in Good Fellas, says Frank Sinatra’s daughters mailed him a horse’s head during filming of an HBO show called The Rat Pack, about their father. Nancy and Tina Sinatra were upset that Liotta had chosen to do the HBO show, rather than the miniseries they were developing.

“Obviously, it wasn’t a real one, but it was a horse’s head,” Liotta said. “And, you know, a horse’s head means you’re toast.”

In the best movie ever made, The Godfather, a rich producer wakes up with a bloody horse’s head in the bed next to him, courtesy of mobster Vito Corleone.

THEY HAD TO PULL OVER EVERY 25 MILES SO HE COULD PEE Asked about being the oldest person to fly into space, 90-year-old Star Trek actor William Shatner proudly said: “I’m bloody Capt. Kirk.”

ON HOW UNWATCHABLE OSCAR-NOMINATED MOVIES HAVE BECOME, HBO’S BILL MAHER ASKED: “DID THEY ALL QUIT COCAINE AT THE SAME TIME?” “Real Time” host Bill Maher continued his brave and often hilarious attacks on the woke monsters who control so much of the culture, saying: “Memo to social justice warriors—when what you’re doing sounds like an Onion headline, stop!”

IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers in Cincinnati seized a drug load from South America valued at to $2.8 million. The shipment contained 44 pounds of cocainecoated Corn Flakes.

CALL THE DUGOUT THE BUTT BARN Saying the term bullpen mocks the misery of sensitive animals, PETA executive Tracy Reiman urged Major League Baseball to use a catchier term: the Arm Barn. She said bullpens are where cows go before slaughter and where animals go before they’re treated poorly at rodeos.

THIS PET DOESN’T FETCH The website Borderland Beat reported that agents from the Attorney General’s Office in Sonora, Mexico, got the surprise of their lives when they busted into a home in Pitiquito and were confronted with a cartel boss’s Bengal tiger. The agents performed a fast U-turn and summoned animal specialists to get the huge tiger caged. The animal was a healthy, twoyear-old female.

HOLA, AMERICANS! I’LL TAKE MY GREEN CARD NOW! As he discussed illegal entry and other topics in an on-camera interview with KYMA-TV of Yuma, Mick McGuire, Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, was photobombed by an illegal alien from Cuba. The crosser climbed out of a riverbed behind McGuire and walked into the shot. Between 500-1,000 illegals sneak into the country around Yuma every day, says County Sheriff Leon Wilmot.

THROW A NET OVER THE BIG LUG Oklahoma State Representative Justin Humphrey introduced a bill to establish a Bigfoot hunting season. But rather than kill the fictional creature, Humphrey wants to encourage someone to capture it. He hopes to offer a $25,000 reward to the first trapper.

MEANWHILE, IN ARIZONA, LEGISLATORS HAVE OFFERED A REWARD FOR ANYONE WHO CAN THROW A NET OVER PAUL GOSAR Arizona Republican Rep. Paul Gosar tweeted a bizarre anime-style video of him attacking Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and President

BORN TO RUM A judge dropped reckless driving and drunk driving charges against 71-year-old Bruce Springsteen. Instead, the famed rocker agreed to pay a $500 fine for drinking in a closed park in New Jersey. The park ranger who arrested the Boss saw him pour a final drink from a liquor bottle before taking off on his Triumph motorcycle.

Joe Biden with a sword. Cortez, a New York Democrat, responded by saying that deep down, Gosar “knows he couldn’t open a pickle jar or read a whole book by himself. The dude is just a collection of wet toothpicks anyway.”

DON’T MESS WITH OUR TITO A man convicted of breaking into Cleveland Indians manager Terry Francona’s Catalina Foothills home and stealing his World Series rings was sentenced to 6.5 years in prison.

Jamey Estep, who also pleaded guilty to possession of a deadly weapon by a prohibited possessor, sold the rings in Phoenix.

A former UA baseball star and local legend, Francona won the World Series with the Boston Red Sox in 2004 and again in 2007.

HOOKED ON GEEZER TALK Joe Biden, who lives at an assisted living facility formerly known as the White House, often makes no sense when he speaks. Here, verbatim, are his five best quotes of the year: -“You know, as the first lady, I’m Joe Biden’s husband.”

-“Child care child care is cutting poverty in half by 40 percent.”

-“I commuted every single day for 36 years as vice president of the United States.”

-“The bill invests in our workforce providing much-needed breeding room for families.”

-“We didn’t just build an interstate highway system. We built a highway to the sky, to outer space.”

WHAT THE PUCK? KOLD-TV reported that a UA professor invented a portable, inflatable underwater tent that will allow divers to spend long periods of time beneath the ocean surface—to work, sleep or have a cup of tea. The Ocean Space Habitat was featured during Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Prof. Winslow Burleson even hopes to create an underwater hockey club and is currently recruiting players.

HE LITERALLY GAVE HER THE FINGER A resident of Maricopa, Arizona, near Phoenix, left her house in the morning to find two tires on her GMC Yukon slashed. The alleged perpetrator, a neighbor with whom she’d had difficulty, left clues—his severed finger, and a blood trail leading to his residence. Francesca Wikoff, a retired firefighter, speculated that the perpetrator cut off his finger while committing the vandalism.

She said, “A neighbor heard him yelling and crying, probably about like 10:30 p.m., so we figured that’s when it happened.” Police took custody of the wayward appendage.

SHOTGUN THEM BEERS! Multi-gazillionaire fashion and beauty mogul Kim Kardashian helped cement UA’s reputation as a party school. In a post on Instagram— where she has 258 million followers—she described serving as big sister Kourtney’s designated driver during campus visits: “I hated all the wild partying so much that I stayed home and never wanted to drink or party EVER. … So thank you U of A. I was never a student there but U shaped my life more than you know.”

SHE LEARNED GOOD Kourtney responded to Kim’s post with one of her own, proving that UA also does an atrocious job teaching grammar. Verbatim, she wrote: “Ummm. Not me! I remember 14 people squeezing into one car I was driving or was it @Kloekardashian Blasting Eminem! Bar fight.

Broken jaw! That’s about it for this weekend in AZ”

WITH YOUR SOFTWARE AND MY HARDWARE, WE CAN MAKE THE EARTH MOVE The Wall Street Journal reported that Microsoft founder Bill Gates was forced to step down from the company’s board because of an extra-marital affair with a Microsoft engineer. Multiple reports allege that Gates, who has never been described as a hunk, made clumsy advances to women at the company.

His requests for dates mainly drew awkward laughter and attempts to flee.

DECEMBER 30, 2021

NORMAL THANKSGIVING DINNER CHITCHAT A startup company cofounded by UA faculty members hopes to cure the scourge of doggie bad breath by engineering a bacteria that produces a minty aroma that lasts up to two hours, according to the Arizona Daily Star.

“While the product works, we would like to get the persistence of the bacteria, the time it lasts, to be six to eight,” said Scott Zentack, a product development specialist.

Eric Lyons, associate professor of plant sciences, got the idea at a Thanksgiving dinner where everyone began talking about their dogs’ bad breath.

ALL HAIL SIR CHARLES! The TV network TNT has banned popular NBA commentator Charles Barkley from talking about the fat women of San Antonio. For years, it has been a running joke for the former Phoenix Suns star to talk about “their big ol’ women down there.” He said the people of San Antonio have had a blast with it, even making up T-shirts.

“It’s gotten so out of hand right now, I couldn’t imagine having to watch myself,” Barkley said.

“You can’t even have fun nowadays without these jackasses trying to get you canceled.” He has told the “cowards” at TNT he plans to quit after a few more years.

A SEXY GIRAFFE WALKS INTO A BAR Looking for something to do amid the quiet of the COVID quarantine, animals at Cuba’s National Zoo turned to romance. Reuters reported that the result was a bumper crop of baby animals, including leopards, zebras, antelopes, oxen, and giraffes.

WE WANT TO

BELIEVE

Following a number of reports by Navy pilots of high-tech aircraft entering U.S. airspace, Arizona Congressman Ruben Gallego slipped a provision into the National Defense Authorization Act requiring the Pentagon to open a permanent office to investigate “unidentified aerial phenomena” and report the results with Congress annually.

“We needed to continue to break down the stigma of reporting these phenomena,” Gallego told Politico. “There are a lot of people who are afraid of reporting this because they’re afraid ... it’s going to cost their careers.

People think they’re crazy.”

PROVING AGAIN THAT DOGS ARE WAY SMARTER THAN PEOPLE A Greenville, South Carolina, couple upset over their lost dog, got a happy reprieve at 2:30 a.m. when their 18-month-old pup, Rajah, returned home and rang the doorbell with her nose. “I don’t even know how she knew how to do that,” said the owner. “She never goes out to the front yard, except to the car, so she’d never seen us use the doorbell.”

HE WATERS HIS ANTLERS The lawyer for Arizona resident Jacob Chansley, the most famous among the proTrump nuts who rioted at the Capital on Jan. 6, says his client’s mental condition has deteriorated significantly from being held so long in solitary confinement in a Washington D.C. jail.

Easily recognized by his tattoos, the spear he carried with an American flag on it and his hairy headdress with horns, lawyer Albert Watkins says Chansley’s treatment in the jail has taken a man with pre-existing mental vulnerabilities and “rendered him a chocolate soup mess.”

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(don’t talk about her deliberately quirky fashion!), a far cry from her political beginnings, but a winning strategy in previous elections. She dodged the press and the public for months. But she made herself a household name in the process, and she made the U.S. Senate negotiate with her. And so far, Biden’s signature Build Back Better plan still hasn’t passed, though the infrastructure bill she championed has.

Could it matter for her reelection? We have no idea — it’s several years away.

All we know is, we didn’t really intend to cover her because we care most about state government, and here she is on a top five list.

Honorable mention: Where in the world is Carl Hayden?

I

t defies logic that a bust of a former U.S. senator, which presumably weighs a fair amount, just went missing and hasn’t returned. It can’t be easy to walk off with a bust of Carl Hayden from the Capitol Rose Garden. The theft was likely caught on camera (we requested the footage). But it’s been three months, and the spot that once

showcased Hayden remains empty. The investigation is ongoing, the state public safety department said.

We’ve gamed out a few reasons why a bust would be stolen: addicts need money via smelting, high school prank (we’re looking at you, Carl Hayden High School seniors), got drunk and made a bad decision, hate Carl Hayden, Carl Hayden did something that means he doesn’t deserve a statue, create a mystery that will bother local newsletter writers for months.

But still there are no answers.

And now, we’re about to embark on our own quest to Hayden put a statue in the Capitol area (foreshadowing!), so we want to know what happened to the missing bust even more. Look, if you took it, just tell us, no hard feelings (the cops probably do have hard feelings, though).

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The Best of Tucson, and Everything That Matters!

In recognition of the growing number of prominent individuals who don’t understand the simple wording of the First Amendment or the broader concept of free speech, we present the second annual E. B. White Awards, renamed from last year. The awards are given in honor of Charlotte’s Web author E. B. White.

In 1947, the New York Herald Tribune published an editorial defending the right of Hollywood producers to fire writers who wouldn’t cooperate with the Communist-hunting House Un-American Activities Committee.

White wrote to the paper, saying: “I can only assume that your editorial writer tripped over the First Amendment and thought it was the office cat.”

The winners … er, losers, are: SHE MUST’VE TRIPPED OVER THE FIRST AMENDMENT AND HIT HER HEAD Following the Jan. 6 riot at the Capital, Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called for Congress to look into regulating the media, which the First Amendment explicitly forbids.

She said, “We’re going to have to figure out how we rein in our media environment so that you can’t just spew disinformation and misinformation. It’s one thing to have differentiating opinions but it’s another thing entirely to just say things that are false. So that’s something that we’re looking into.”

BORDERLINE BLACKOUT Saying he doesn’t believe the Nogales International gives him enough positive coverage, Nogales Mayor Arturo Garino, clearly unaware that newspapers aren’t PR outfits, explained why he has refused to communicate with them: “A journalist is a journalist. I’m the mayor. You want information? Come look for it.”

1

One Sick Year

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THE FIRST LINE OF RAY BRADBURY’S ANTICENSORSHIP NOVEL, FAHRENHEIT 451: “IT WAS A PLEASURE TO BURN.” The Spotsylvania County School Board in Virginia voted 6-0 to order school libraries to remove books with sexually explicit material. A parent complained about a digital book titled “33 Snowfish,” which uses strong language to deal with sexual abuse, drug addiction and child prostitution.

Board member Rahib Abuismail said, “I think we should throw those books in a fire.”

Colleague Kirk Twigg said he wants to “see the books before we burn them so we can identify within our community that we are eradicating this bad stuff.”

TALLYHO! IT’S A FOX HUNT! GQ magazine writer Julia Ioffe suggested it’s time for “authorities” to determine if “what Fox News does is like yelling fire in a crowded theater and is no longer protected by the First Amendment.”

In response, independent journalist Glenn Greenwald wrote: “I cannot stress enough what a civil liberties crisis it is that the leading advocates of censorship in the U.S. are liberal journalists, the same people whose duty is to champion the First Amendment, not demand its gutting.”

PROVING AGAIN HOW ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION WAS In a podcast interview, Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, called the First Amendment “bonkers.” Fellow Brit Piers Morgan argued that by slamming the Constitution and Americans’ unalienable rights to freedom of speech, Harry proved that he is a “posh, privileged British Royal.”

Wrote Morgan, “It takes an extraordinary amount of entitled arrogance to mock the most revered building block of your adopted country’s history.”

FORMER HARVARD LAW PROFESSOR SUFFERS FIRST AMENDMENT AMNESIA Democratic Sen. Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts sent a letter to Amazon demanding the company change its algorithms to suppress books that contain falsehoods about COVID-19. “At a time when every step toward ending the pandemic could save countless lives, misinformation poses a substantial obstacle,” Warren wrote. The senator never defined misinformation, but we presume it to be anything she disagrees with.

PEERING OVER THE THIN BLUE LINE The Arizona Fraternal Order of Police wants Google to ban the public from videotaping cops and posting the images and negative comments on YouTube. The Sierra Vista Herald reported that the group was promoting a petition to de-platform some so-called police auditors, who use YouTube channels like “Pigs Under Pressure” to spread often-profane anticop views.

BOOK LIVES MATTER The Washington Post reported that a Black Lives Matter activist in Tennessee was fired from a Chattanooga library after he allegedly filmed himself setting fire to books by conservative commentator Ann Coulter and former President Donald Trump.

Cameron Williams posted to Instagram a video that appeared to show him spraying lighter fluid on the books. The activist said he was responding to the need to clear out old books. Williams claimed racism when he was canned for improperly removing items from the library’s collection.

DECEMBER 30, 2021

Editor’s Note: While we are delighted to see Tucsonans once again gathering for fun events, we are also aware that variants are in widespread circulation.

Please consider getting vaccinated against COVID if you haven’t yet.

Retro Game Show Night at Hotel Congress. Is your New Year’s resolution to attend more local trivia and trivia-adjacent nights? Hotel Congress is coming in clutch with this chance to start keeping your resolution right away. Chatty Kathee hosts wacky versions of popular TV game shows with names like The Wheel of Misfortune, The $9.95 Pyramid and The Family Fuss, with contestants chosen from the audience. There are also “celebrity guests,” top-shelf prizes and unlimited fun. 7 p.m. Saturday, Jan. 1.

Hotel Congress, 311 E. Congress St. $15.

Happy Noon Year! When I was a kid, my mom would make a big fuss of New Year’s Eve and tell me it was midnight and the start of a new year, but it would really be, like, 9 p.m. I miss not being able to tell time. Life was simpler. If you’re looking to celebrate early but to just play it to your kids straight that that’s what you’re doing, check out this wonderful event at the Children’s Museum. There will be plenty of arts and crafts, then lots of hubbub around the 12 (p.m.) countdown, ball drop and apple juice toast. 9 a.m. to noon on Friday, Dec. 31. Children’s Museum Free, 200 S. Sixth Ave. 24 Hour Chanted Tara Prayers. Well, I certainly didn’t ring in 2020 or 2021 with 24 hours of prayers for world peace, and 2020 and 2021 were Not The Best.

Maybe this year, we should try it. The Kadampa Meditation Center is hosting a 24-hour prayer period, during which you’ll recite praises and requests to the Assembly of 21 Taras six times. Bring a sleeping bag if you want to stay over in the meditation room, or a vegetarian meal for the potluck supper. Prayer times are 4 p.m. and 8 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 31, and midnight, 4 a.m, 8 a.m. and noon on Saturday, Jan. 1. You are welcome to come to just one or some of the sessions if you’d like. Kadampa Meditation Center, 5326 E. Pima St.

My Fair Lady. Wouldn’t it be lovely to see a live production of this show? Especially this production directed by Bartlett Sher, which the New York Times called “thrilling, glorious and better than it ever was?” The story of Eliza Doolittle the flower seller and Henry Higgins the condescending linguistics professor was one of my favorite movies as a kid. So count your blessing that, rather than hearing my attempt at a cockney accent belting out “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain!” like my poor mother did for years, you have a chance to see the professionals do it over at Broadway in Tucson. Various times Wednesday, Jan. 5, through Sunday, Jan. 9. Centennial Hall, 1020 E. University Blvd. $25 to $100.

by Emily Dieckman Crown ‘Cars and Coffee.’ If you’re more of an “up and at ’em on New Year’s Day” person than you are a “party it up on New Year’s Eve” person, then you’ll like this one.

Automotive emporium Crown Concepts is hosting this free, casual car meet first thing in the morning, first day of the year. And it’s at TopGolf, and all attendees get to golf for free from 8 to 10 a.m.! There will also be free coffee, plus food and drinks available to order. All cars, trucks, vehicles, motorcycles, SXS and so on are welcome. 7 a.m. Saturday, Jan. 1 TopGolf, 4050 W. Costco Drive. Free.

Tucson Roadrunners vs. San Diego. Happy New Year, and happy five-year anniversary to having our local hockey team here in Tucson! The Roadrunners will be wearing special fifth-anniversary jersey, and there are plenty of deals to go ’round.

Ten55 Brewing is offering New Year’s Eve party packs, with two tickets and a $25 gift card, for $49. With a family pack, get four tickets and $20 in concessions, for a savings of $40. And they’ve also got hot cocoa (with or without “shots of holiday cheer”) and a fish and chips concession special. Party on! 6 p.m.

Friday, Dec. 31. Tucson Arena, 260 S. Church Ave. Ticket prices vary, but start at $15 for standard admission per person.

TUCSONWEEKLY.COM 11

Moving With Intention into the New Year. Sometimes I feel like the words “intention” and “intentional” get thrown around a lot without much thought, but I really like the way Mindful Yoga Tucson describes it: “By setting an intention you are building a bridge between what feels, at times, to be unattainable and creating the space and clarity for movement and transition.” The beginning of the new year can feel exciting and hopeful, but real change and progress is often difficult, so framing it this way is lovely. Join Pamela Wilson at Mindful Yoga for this workshop on movement, meditation, journaling and community.

11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. Sunday, Jan. 2 Mindful Yoga Tucson, 127 N. Second Ave. $65, and space is limited. Register at mindfulyogatucson.com

Dr. Zoo. Was your child’s New Year’s Resolution to become a zoo veterinarian? Well, if you had to break the news to them that it’s probably not feasible at age 8, you can make it up to them with this. It’s a neat chance to go behind the scenes to the Zoo’s new Animal Health Center for a day in the life of a Zoo Vet. They’ll get to view the surgery, treatment and pharmacy rooms, and do hands-on math and science activities related to diagnosing and treating animals. Designed for kids ages 8-12 who have reading, writing and math skills above a third grade level. Parents should plan on dropping their lil’ vets off. 9 to 11 a.m. Sunday, Jan. 2. Reid Park Zoo, 3400 Zoo Court. $20, or $15 for member children.

Open Mic Night at Hotel McCoy. Ready to sing your heart out? Join Ambur Nicole over at one of Tucson’s most beloved hotels for a chance to do just that. Bring your friends and family, and invite your enemies too, so that you can make them jealous of your killer vocals. All ages are welcome, but the bar will be open if you need a little bit of liquid courage to get you going. Or, hey, just come to cheer on a bunch of singing Tucsonans, even if you aren’t one yourself. 6 to 9 p.m. Sunday, Jan. 2. Hotel McCoy, 720 W. Silverlake Road.

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DECEMBER 30, 2021

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ly those who have a penchant for Hendrix or Clapton. For an album about the plundering of a continent, it’s quite groovy.

Moctar actually played in Tucson before the pandemic, but if you missed him, this new album (especially that title track!) is a fine substitute for that live energy.

MUSIC

LISTENING LOG Our favorite albums from 2021

Low HEY WHAT

By Jeff Gardner jeff@tucsonlocalmedia.com EARLIER THIS MONTH, WE counted down our favorite local albums of the year. But in the interest of fairness (we realize not all cities can produce as much great music as Tucson), we’re now listing our very favorite albums from 2021, regardless of where they came from. Although basically everything else this year was gummed up or descending into chaos, one bright light was just how much great music came out. There were debuts, comebacks, and continuations of great careers.

Let’s hope 2022 resets a lot of things, but keeps the great music coming.

Sweet Trip A Tiny House, In Secret Speeches, Polar Equals One of the most deserving cult bands revived by the internet, Bay Area duo Sweet Trip released their first album in more than a decade this year, but sound fresh as ever. A Tiny House is a beautiful, technical blend of pop and electronic music, with every guitar strum and glitchy freak-out scrutinized. Songs like “Surviving a Smile,” “Chapters,” and “Walkers Beware!” are some of the most lush and harmonious tracks we heard all year, thanks to excellent production and their combination of male

and female singing. Their gorgeous music is a bit tough to capture, but very easy to take in. The album cover, with the musicians beside a sprawling mandala and ankle-deep flowers, is a fitting image.

Mdou Moctar Afrique Victime Take a young man from the deserts of Niger, add a passion for rock ’n’ roll, a bit of ingenuity, and a whole lot of perseverance, and you have one of the most exciting guitarists alive today. In a totally self-trained playing style, Moctar captures the African sands with warm, psychedelic guitar tones, nimble playing, and hypnotic jams. As far as African music goes—and I admit I’m talking out of my ass here—this is easily digestible to the Western listener, especial-

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Former indie rock band Low continue the noisy, experimental trajectory of their past two albums, reaching new creative (and sonic) peaks. For the first time, the band consists of only Alan Sparhawk and Mimi Parker, but they’ve never sounded larger. The songs here jump between blasts of noise and haunting isolated vocals, resulting in an intense yet spiritual listening journey. Songs like “Days Like These” and “More” are a kind of industrial-meets-gospel, with massive walls of guitar dominating every register. The fact a pretty underground band like Low received a Grammy nomination for this album’s production just shows how large a musical achievement HEY WHAT is.

Lil Ugly Mane Volcanic Bird Enemy and the Voiced Concern Don’t let the “Lil” deceive you; this is not a rap album. Travis Miller, who records under about two dozen aliases, can seemingly conquer any music genre he puts his mind to, and his latest album shows off this talent in spades. Songs on this weird and wonderful collection jump from alternative rock to dreamy pop to outright Dixieland, CONTINUED ON PAGE 14

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ALBUMS OF THE YEAR CONTINUED FROM PAGE 13

but often center around deadpan delivery over tight, trip-hop drums. This has drawn comparisons everywhere from Beck to Ween to Tom Waits. Really, the unifying factor is Miller’s personality teetering between depressed barfly and cartoon villain.

Natalia Lafourcade Un Canto por México, Vol. 2 Mexico City singer Natalia Lafourcade continues telling the stories of her home country with poise and passion. A singer/songwriter album on the surface, Un Canto por México stretches further than the individual thanks to a large roster of guest musicians, lush instrumentals and a variety of folktales. But the core remains Lafourcade. Whether she’s performing ranchera, flamenco, bolero or mariachi music, she sings with a calm determination as if obligated to tell the stories of Mexico (both volumes are over an hour). This rich collection of acoustic, borderlands ballads

shows why Lafourcade has had enduring success in the Latin music sphere.

Magdalena Bay Mercurial World The debut album from electronic duo Magdalena Bay is a celebration of all things digital. The songs are packed with detailed synthesizers; the music videos appropriate internet design; and the band’s entire aesthetic is based around a sleek, futuristic look. The music even sounds chrome, for cryin’ out loud. But none of this results in a lack of humanity. Mica Tenen-

baum’s vocals are passionate and gripping, even while being swallowed up by Matthew Lewin multi-layered production.

Songs like “Secrets,” “Chaeri” and “You Lose” show us we’ll never be divorced from this new, technological world, but manage to get us dancing anyway.

Sufjan Stevens & Angelo de Augustine A Beginner’s Mind

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If you know who Sufjan Stevens is, then you already know what to expect. But for the uninitiated, this album is a worthy entry in the career of one of the most celebrated modern indie musicians. For A Beginner’s Mind, Stevens and Augustine watched a variety of movies as inspiration, resulting in delicate folk and pop songs based on everything from “Mad Max” to “Silence of the Lambs.” But you’d never know that just by listening to the music.

The songs are in-line with Stevens’ soft, sublime folk tunes. The songs do have some diversity, such as the soaring chorus in “Back to Oz” or the unexpectedly electronic outro to “Lady Macbeth in Chains,” but the majority is a pleasant, melodic blend of two musicians making a perfect collaboration.

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creating here an uplifting soundtrack that merges layers of piano and strings into warm, ambient layers. I haven’t spent too much time out on the plains, and I still want to set up the family homestead after listening to this optimistic opus.

While the movie Minari technically came out last year, the movie’s soundtrack was officially released in 2021 so we’re including it here. While there are a lot of things to praise about Minari (the story of a Korean family working to survive in rural America in the 1980s), the soundtrack is an obvious highlight. Emile Mosseri is turning out to be a promising film composer,

Ka A Martyr’s Reward New York rapper Ka continues to show why he’s one of the most thought-provoking and unique MCs in the game.

Continuing an excellent streak of albums inspired by (among other things) Greek mythology, Samurai codes, and Bible stories, A Martyr’s Reward hones in on the dark street scenes from Ka’s earlier work.

In his signature deadpan singing style over typically drumless instrumentals, Ka maintains his role as one of the greatest lyricists in modern hip-hop. Lines like “If this art ain’t churning from your heart, you shouldn’t murmur it / You fittin’ to freeze if you ain’t committing the deeds that’s earning it” show Ka’s great mix of pen game and street smarts. ■

DECEMBER 30, 2021

By Xavier Omar Otero tucsoneditor@tucsonlocalmedia.com

MARK YOUR CALENDARS… Where 2022 is just a heartbeat away. This week: Gabrielle Pietrangelo, Not Fade Away, Pup Punk, Nancy McCallion, Sunfish, Sophia Rankin, Los Esplifs, Rowdy Johnson, y mas. Not to be a New Year’s Eve buzzkill, but we’re hearing a lot about breakthrough COVID cases with the arrival of Omicron, so plan accordingly and take steps to reduce your risk of infection.

THURSDAY, DEC. 30 Rising like a thorny peyote cactus in the arid sand, Los Esplifs’ debut album Estraik Back (2021) stays true to the weather-beaten spirit of the desert Southwest, with a psychedelic bent. Caleb Michel recalls a moment of perception—performing for a predominantly white audience at Phoenix’s Rebel Lounge—where the concept of unity in diversity manifested. “Saul and I are brown, the rest of our band is whiter, and we’re playing this super Afro-Latin music [sung in Spanish].” To his elation, “everyone was dancing hard to our music, getting down, and really enjoying it.”

That’s the takeaway. Caleb explains, “What matters most is inclusiveness.” Los Esplifs pound out lo-fi techno-cumbia.

At Club Congress. With Lucky Baby Daddy and Earthsurfaceopen… Pop-punk parody is a thing, apparently.

Despite having “Peaked In High School,” Pup Punk are still “Misbehavin’.” At Encore… Perhaps best known for her time spent with Celtic-Norteño, folk rock, cult band The Mollys, singer-songwriter Nancy McCallion and co-writer Danny Krieger’s new song “Go to Ground” (from her 2021 album bearing the same title) tells the all-too-real story of an aging musician working two minimum-wage jobs in order to survive the pandemic, because all the bars have closed down. They sing, “You used to think that at your age, you’d be playing guitar like Jimmy Page, rocking at the local bar with an IRA and a Vox guitar.” The McCallion Band play original Americana and rock ’n’ roll with joyful, punkish abandon. At Tap & Bottle (downtown)… Celebrate Eve’s Eve with the Bryan Dean Trio, Wayback & Friends, and Bullwinkle’s Corner. At Monterey Court… With an eye for detail, Bee Gees Gold—featuring the smooth falsetto of John Acosta—brings the look and sound of the Bee Gees at their zenith. At Casino Del Sol (events center)…

NEW YEAR’S EVE If the walls of Hotel Congress could speak? Séances and tarot card readings aside, this New Year’s Eve NYC retro revue Not Fade Away resurrect classic hits from rock ’n’ roll legends: Buddy Holly, Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, The

Beatles, y mas. Turntablists Halsero & Bex man the decks indoors. Club Whutever DJs—PC Party, alice.km, and Hot Leather Disco—heat up the dance floor outdoors. Celebrate with the ghosts of 101 Years of New Year’s Eve. At Hotel Congress… See TW’s Ring In 2022 (Dec. 23 and online at TucsonWeekly.com) for comprehensive NYE listings.

SUNDAY, JAN. 2 As with the promise of renewal that arrives in spring, on “Summer Rain”— from On My Way Back Home (2020)—indie folk artist Gabrielle Pietrangelo sings, “Oh love, such heavy times. Let them vanish in the wind. Let me wash it from your skin. I’ll soothe you when you’re seeing scarlet red. I’ll feed you when you’ve nowhere left to turn. I’ll love you like you’ve never known your worth.” Delivered in velvety voice, though understated, her well-chosen words can detonate with unexpected power and occasion a tear to trail from somber eye. In a matinee performance, her first since the outset of the pandemic, Pietrangelo will debut “Lines of Our Hands,” the first single off of her forthcoming album.

Accompanied by bassist Thøger Lund and drummer Casey Hadland, songstress Gabrielle Pietrangelo will help mend a broken wing. With special guests Howe Gelb (in a rare solo performance) and Bekah Rolland (of Run Boy Run). At Hotel Congress (plaza)…

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 5 Following in the footsteps of Waylon Jennings, Merle Haggard and Billie Joe Shaver, “with a chip on his shoulder and songs in his heart,” outlaw country singer Rowdy Johnson has mighty big boots to fill. At Hotel Congress (plaza)…

THURSDAY, JAN. 6 Sunfish’s hometown rag (Salt Lake City Weekly) opined, “It is unclear what the hell kind of band they think they are…

Clearly they do ‘Whatever’ they want. Somehow, it works.”

Generating quite a buzz since exploding onto SLC’s indie rock scene. As with any fresh catch, Sunfish are best caught live. At House of Bards. With Noah Martin and Tonight’s Sunshine… “Simply one of the best pianists in the jazz mainstream,” JazzTimes says of Lenore Raphael. Backed

by Tucsonans Scott Black (bass) and Pete Swan (drums) they will perform standards by Oscar Peterson and original compositions. At The Gaslight Music Hall (Oro Valley)…

Wishing you a Happy New Year, XOXO…

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compared to the first four months of 2020, when nearly 95,000 applied.

Among the benefits of carrying a cannabis card are higher possession limits, employment and housing protections, and a break in cost, as cardholders pay a lower sales tax rate.

TESTING TESTING

THE YEAR IN WEED

Looking back at the year cannabis went legal in Arizona

By David Abbott tucsoneditor@tucsonlocalmedia.com HERE WE ARE AGAIN AT THE END of another calendar year that left about 80% of us scratching our heads while the other 20% still don’t know who is the elected leader of this Great Land of Ours. (Hint: his name rhymes with “ridin’” as opposed to “rump”).

Here at the Weedly satellite office, we are slightly addled as well and not just from an overabundance of THC-infused product.

While the pandemic surges around us for another holiday season, here is our look back on the year that was, with the hope that we will not continue to make the same mistakes in 2022 and that maybe something will make some kind of sense as Western Civilization shudders and rattles out a giant, ragged breath from its bed in the cosmic ICU. And always remember: Reality is a crutch for people who don’t have enough gummies.

MO’ MONEY, MO’ MONEY THE BIGGEST POT NEWS OF THE year was the kickoff of adult-use, recreational sales in January, less than three months after the passage of Proposition 207 by 60% of Arizona voters.

While weed watchers in and out of the biz were expecting legal sales to begin in March or April, the Arizona Department of Health Services gave the green light to recreational pot sales on Jan. 22, catching most people in the industry off guard.

Harvest Enterprises, Inc. was first in line, with its 15 statewide dispensaries pulling the trigger on sales weeks ahead of everyone else.

The Harvest location in Scottsdale logged the historic first legal sale in the state. For several days, Harvest’s Tucson location, and its neighbors, dealt with long lines outside the midtown location while customers waited for hours to purchase legal herb.

Harvest was founded by Tempe native

Steve White, who spent nearly $2 million advocating for weed legalization in 2020.

White heaped praise on ADHS for its “bang-up job” to get the program underway in a stunningly short amount of time.

“This has been really surprising and gives an opportunity for us to have a conversation about how we don’t say a lot of good things about government,” he said.

Each application cost $25,000, so White shelled out $375,000 to get to the front of the line.

By the end of the first week, 86 licenses had been approved, but it would be weeks before anyone else opened up sales.

While not exactly “Big Weed”— yet—White further cashed in when he announced the sale of his company to Florida’s Trulieve Cannabis Corp. for the modest sum of $2.1 billion, creating a network of 126 dispensaries and weed shops operating in 11 states.

The announcement was made in May, but it was not until October that it was finally consummated. The Harvest board voted to move forward with the deal, after a roller coaster of public relations headaches that never threatened the deal, but were troubling enough for Trulieve to mention in an SEC filing in January.

As the initial insanity of the legal market subsided, reports of increasing tax revenues and record sales appeared on a regular basis.

By the end of October, Arizonans had purchased more than $1.1 billion in cannabis products and paid more than $175 million in taxes, according to Arizona Department of Health Services. That number included roughly $641 million in sales from medical consumers and $466 million in sales from recreational users.

CERTIFICATION BLUES WHILE DISPENSARY SALES EXPLODED, the trend on the patient certification side saw the number of applications drop precipitously.

Between Jan. 1 and April 30, fewer than 14,000 patients applied for medical cards,

ARIZONA’S WEED TESTING PROGRAM entered its first full year in 2021, and shortly thereafter, the Arizona Cannabis Lab Association appealed to ADHS to delay the program until rules could be adjusted to accommodate the reality of recreational sales and ensure a continuous supply of cannabis.

Ryan Treacy, co-founder of the Association and owner of C4 Laboratories in Scottsdale, said business was slow in the beginning, but spiked when dispensaries were allowed to sell recreational weed. In the following months, the lab business went on a roller coaster ride as the industry righted itself.

Testing added huge operational costs to the dispensary side, with an additional $20,000 to $50,000 in expenses per month.

Arizona was the last medical marijuana state to mandate testing for medical cannabis with the passage of a new law in 2019.

Over the summer, cannabis tested by OnPoint Laboratories in Snowflake was recalled following results that showed salmonella and mold. The contamination was discovered after the facility failed to detect either contaminate, but a verification of the test results uncovered the issue.

EXPUNGEMENT AND SOCIAL EQUITY EXPUNGEMENT AND SOCIAL EQUITY were two of the biggest weed stories of 2021 and were inextricably linked thanks to Prop 207.

Expungement, the sealing of pot-related convictions for minor offenses, was a condition for applicants of 26 social equity licenses meant to help people in communities that were most affected by the “war on marijuana.”

According to an analysis by the American Civil Liberties Union, Black people are 3.64 times more likely than white people to be arrested for marijuana possession.

It was estimated that about 190,000 convictions statewide were eligible, but in the months following the July 12 start, only a small fraction of those convictions had been sealed.

The Medical Marijuana Fund provided $4 million to help facilitate expungement with the task eventually going to the Arizo-

na Justice Project and a group of nonprofits specializing in social justice issues.

The lion’s share of the work has been done by the Maricopa County Attorney’s Office, which, on its own initiative, expunged about 9,000 records through November.

Pima County Attorney’s Office Senior Counsel Jack Chin said in Pima County, one problem with expediting expungements is the difficulty in tracking down records—online records go back to 1995— and even if the records can be found, there is often insufficient information to move forward.

Fewer than 50 records in Pima County have been expunged.

Throughout the summer and fall, Arizona NORML and a handful of dispensary owners and private individuals hosted expungement clinics to help those who qualified, but the clinics often acted as magnets for investors to “poach” potential social equity applicants.

ADHS reported more than 1,500 applications were submitted before the Dec. 14 deadline.

From May through October, ADHS rewrote social equity rules several times.

Each time a new version was released, the state received complaints from the public.

After draft rules dropped in May, a group of cannabis advocates protested the rules governing the issuance of a license said to be worth $10 million to $15 million.

The initial version allowed the new licensees to immediately sell, which would give non-qualified businesses the opportunity to snatch up the “golden tickets.”

ADHS released the final rules in October. Social equity advocates were still not happy and in December, the Greater Phoenix Urban League, a nonprofit aimed at helping minority communities, and Acre 41, a group of four “influential female Black, Indigenous, and people of color,” filed the lawsuit to try to stop the process until the rules could be rewritten.

Ultimately, the judge did not issue an injunction, scheduling a hearing for Jan. 28, 2022. ADHS is seeking to have the case dismissed.

The winners will be picked via lottery next year.

TUCSON EXPANDS MARIJUANA FOOTPRINT IN APRIL, AFTER MONTHS OF discussions Tucson City Council unanimously voted to amend its Unified Development Code Related to Medical and Adult Use Marijuana Dispensaries to expand CONTINUED ON PAGE 18

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cannabis business opportunities and be more into line with codes in other states.

The changes to the UDC included an increase in the maximum size allowed for dispensaries and off-site cultivation facilities; odor mitigation amendments to address enforcement issues; removal of drive-thru restrictions, and reducing “setbacks” from “sensitive use” areas (churches, schools etc) among other changes.

The reduction of setbacks will open up several thousand parcels for cannabis-related businesses, up from fewer than 2,000, in locations that may be more appropriate, such as strip malls or other business districts with ample parking and amenities.

PUBLIC CONSUMPTION PROP 207 ALSO OPENED THE DOOR TO PUBLIC consumption, guided by Arizona’s public smoking laws.

There is no likelihood that Arizona will follow the lead of Amsterdam with its hazy coffee shops, but expect the occasional odor of cannabis from the patios of 420-friendly businesses.

Harambe Café & Social Club on the site of the former Nimbus Brewery & Restaurant at 6464 E. Tanque Verde Road is one such place.

Owner and manager Adriana Kittrell, whose family owns both PurpleMed and GreenMed, is creating a spot for users of legal pot to gather socially.

Southern Arizona NORML hosts its monthly meetings there and Kittrell has a calendar of events that include vendor fairs, tasting events, parties and even pot-infused yoga.

For a schedule of events, go to instagram.com/harambecafe.

Another local business owner and cannabis advocate is Arte Bella owner Jen Christiansen, whose Buds and Brushes class is bringing art and cannabis together for the

creative stoner.

The second Arte Bella location, at 340 N. Fourth Ave., offers art classes and a safe place for pot consumers to get together. Attendees can enjoy a beverage and smoke on the patio, while they explore their creativity, or just enjoy the vibe.

“As soon as it went recreational, I was like, this is it!”

Christiansen said. “We’re gonna do this and it’s gonna be mainstream.”

For information about events at Arte Bella, go to www. artebellaon4th.com.

VETERANS BATTLE WITH VA OVER WEED ACCESS THE YEAR 2021 SAW INCREASED EFFORTS BY veterans advocating for access to medical cannabis.

As an Air Force veteran, Arte Bella’s Christiansen is a believer in the power of pot as medicine. She came to cannabis in the wake of a military career that left her reeling from prescription drugs.

She eventually sued the Veterans Administration for benefits.

“They were giving me pills on pills,” she said. “They make you into a drug addict and then they make you fight them to get the benefits.”

Likewise, Zsa Zsa Simone Brown, a board member of Southern Arizona NORML and part of the Acre 41 group seeking a social equity license, was treated much the same way by the U.S. Army.

“It was not a good experience—it’s usually not for women—so I think that’s why I love to work with other veterans and advocate for veterans,” Brown said. “I think about the things that you have to endure as a veteran, whatever you endure within the military, then you come home and you got to fight them to get your benefits.”

Both Brown and Christiansen are part of a growing legion of veterans fighting for legal access to medicinal weed.

Army veteran Ricardo Pereyda, a Tucson native and longtime medical marijuana advocate, is a founding member of Veterans Action Council, a worldwide group of veterans taking the fight to the halls of the U.S. government, the World Health Organization and even the United Nations.

Pereyda survived several injuries in his six years of service and came home 100% disabled due to injuries sustained in Iraq. The VA prescribed a heavy drug regimen—a common theme for injured returning warriors—but he found relief in cannabis.

About 22 veterans commit suicide every day according to some estimates, and since 2001, about 30,000 veterans have taken their own lives, while 7,032 have died on the battlefield, according to the Department of Defense.

Despite increasing legal access to medical and recreational cannabis in states across the U.S., veterans face unfair treatment and stigmatization because the VA refuses to recognize marijuana as a viable treatment option.

While VA policy does not allow discrimination against veterans with medical cards in states where it is allowed, those who do have to use their own resources and at their own risk.

In late April, a bipartisan bill that would require the VA to conduct clinical trials on the efficacy of cannabis for treatment—the VA Medical Cannabis Research Act, spon-

sored by Sens. Jon Tester (D-MT) and Dan Sullivan (RAK)—was reintroduced into the Senate. A month later in a Senate committee hearing, VA officials declined to discuss the bill, but offered written testimony in opposition, stating that the Biden Administration is against the reform.

A bill proposed by Sen. Mark Schatz (D-Hawaii), the Veterans Medical Marijuana Safe Harbor Act, was also introduced in April and would allow the VA to legally prescribe and provide marijuana to veterans in states where it is legal.

WHO NEEDS SCIENCE ANYWAY? REEFER MADNESS IS STILL ALIVE AND WELL, as evidenced by Bank of America kneecapping one of the best-known cannabis research institutions in the U.S. In October, BA terminated the banking privileges of the Scottsdale Research Institute, founded by former UA professor Dr. Sue Sisley.

“There was no negotiating, no warning, no ability for us to speak to somebody who could review our operating agreement with DEA,” Sisley wrote via text. “We have been [marijuana] plant-touching since our start with Bank of America 10 years ago and have always been transparent about that.”

Earlier this year, SRI entered into an agreement with the Drug Enforcement Agency to grow high-quality cannabis for the Food and Drug Administration.

In March, Sisley released a clinical study on the effects of cannabis as a treatment for veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, after more than a decade of work that was slowed by frustrating delays.

The study was likely adversely affected by the low-grade weed legally available for research.

Often referred to as “lawnmower clippings,” University of Mississippi weed has been derided for years as sub-standard, full of stems and seeds and oftentimes mold. THC content caps out at about 9% potency compared to the 20% to 30% pot found in your local dispensary.

“I’ve been taking care of military veterans for about 20 years in my medical practice, and I was super anti-cannabis my whole life,” Sisley said. “But I became very sympathetic with them when I saw the shitty meds that were available.

The FDA has not approved a single new med for PTSD in 19 years now. So that sucks.”

Although it cannot allow studies with actual cannabis to take place in its ivy covered halls, the University of Arizona has allowed other types of studies.

In July, the Comprehensive Pain and Addiction Center released a paper titled “Cannabis sativa terpenes are cannabimimetic and selectively enhance cannabinoid activity,” utilizing behavioral studies and synthetic terpenes.

As an institution dependent on federal research funds, UA has to obey the overarching cannabis laws of the land.

“This isn’t a scientific question, it’s a political question, so we just have to live with it unfortunately,” lead researcher John Streicher, PhD. “So even though it’s legal in Arizona, I still have to get a Schedule I license if I want the plant or if I want THC, which has been frustrating because getting that is a pain.”

In August, UA announced another study into the effects of pain on nurses and what they do to relieve both physical and emotional pain, particularly during the COVID pandemic.

The data is thin on how nurses cope with pain and

DECEMBER 30, 2021

stress, so assistant professor Jessica Rainbow, PhD. RN, has embarked on a study to find out the prevalence of drug use in the nursing community, focusing on cannabis and how it might affect nurses’ mental health and patient care.

“I’ve seen reports about how suicide rates are getting higher among nurses. It’s not really looking good,” Rainbow said. “I feel like it’s hard, because there’s so much discouraging news about continuing to not pass mask mandates and people not getting vaccinated, and the difficulties a lot of healthcare providers find themselves in.”

GOOD BILLS, BAD BILLS, YOU KNOW WE HAD OUR SHARE THE YEAR 2021 SAW THE PASSAGE of several cannabis-related pieces of legislation.

One new law allows ADHS to provide proficiency testing and remediate problems with third-party testing labs. Another new law allowed for unannounced dispensary inspections and requires that every dispensary get at least one unannounced visit a year; it also has a clause stating that a third-party testing company cannot be in a “familial or financial relationship” with any kind of dispensary or other marijuana business.

Lawmakers also devoted $25 million to marijuana research over the course of five years. The bill allocates $5 million annually for clinical research on the efficacy of cannabis to treat pain and a myriad of other ailments.

Sisley said the bill’s passage could make Arizona a top-tier center for cannabis research.

“HB 2298 makes Arizona the first in the nation to require medical cannabis funds be allocated only for FDA-controlled trials, objectively studying cannabis as a potential medicine for treating pain, autism, PTSD and other intractable illnesses,” Sisley said.

Lawmakers also devoted $250,000 of the

MMJ fund to finding a link between cannabis use and various horrible outcomes, including but not limited to psychoses, violence and mental illnesses. The legislation was pushed by House Speaker Rusty Bowers (R-LD25), who has also sponsored legislation to place a THC cap of 2% on cannabis products.

Both Arizona NORML and conservative Christian organization Mothers Advocating Medical Marijuana for Autism supported state legislation to allow autism as a qualifying condition for a MMJ patient card, but the bipartisan House Bill 2154 stalled.

On the federal front, a lot of noise was made, but not much action took place, even as public support for legal weed increases every year.

Congressional Democrats are still trying to advance the legalization of cannabis on a federal level, despite opposition by most Republicans at all levels of government.

The Veterans Medical Marijuana Safe Harbor Act gained the support of Arizona Democrat Mark Kelly.

“Sen. Kelly wants veterans suffering from chronic conditions such as cancer and PTSD to be able to get the same medical advice and treatment at the VA that other Americans get from their own doctors,” Kelly spokesman Jacob Peters said, via email.

The Secure and Fair Enforcement (SAFE) Banking Act also made its fifth appearance.

In a change of tactics, Democrats attached the bill to the National Defense Authorization Act for FY 2022.

The law would have allowed licensed cannabis businesses to operate like any other legal business, with unfettered access to banking services, including the use of credit cards, access to loans and the ability to make deposits and write payroll checks.

The bill passed through the House as part of the NDAA funding package but was stripped out before NDAA went up for a vote. ■

TUCSONWEEKLY.COM 19

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DECEMBER 30, 2021

SAVAGE LOVE COMMITTED

By Dan Savage, mail@savagelove.net

I’ve been in a committed relationship for 10 years—committed because my boyfriend wants it that way. I’d be fine with an open relationship and have asked about it. He’s made it quite clear that he thinks it’s “wrong.” I’m almost never at his apartment. He doesn’t invite me, and my place is a lot more comfortable anyway. His place never looks “lived in.” Everything must be tidy and “just so.” Bed made, bathroom spotless, no socks on the floor. Generally, we spend weekends together, and that’s it. He also refuses to bottom for me or even let me finger him, but he likes it when I come on his ass. In general, he hasn’t been very horny for me the last few years. Anyway, due to a combination of factors (COVID, construction, etc.), I’ve been working at his apartment for a few days. In the coat closet, where he keeps all his supplies, there’s a big bottle of Wet lube and an economy-sized box of Fleet enemas. What’s a guy to think?

—Frustrated in Brooklyn First, a minor quibble. You use the word “committed” to mean “sexually exclusive,” FIB, when you should know—as a reader of my column—that not all committed relationships are sexually exclusive and vice-versa. Two people can be married or partnered and committed to each other for the long haul while still fucking other people; and two people can decide to stop fucking other people because they don’t wanna use condoms (or they wanna limit their risk of contracting COVID) without committing to each other for the rest of the year, much less the long haul.

As for what you found when you weren’t snooping around your boyfriend’s apartment…

While it’s not always the ones who think open relationships are “wrong” who cheat, FIB, it’s so often the case—it’s so often the ones who insist open relationships are wrong—that it’s something of a cliché. So, it’s entirely possible your boyfriend has been cleaning out for other men. But why?

Why would your boyfriend cheat if he knew you would be fine with an open relationship? Well, some people who cheat think cheating is wrong (and it is) and the least they can do if they’re gonna cheat (and they are) is have the decency to feel bad about it (or pretend to). Other people are selfish assholes who wanna fuck around on their partners but don’t want their partners fucking around on them.

Of course, we don’t know for sure whether your boyfriend has been cheating on you.

Lube by itself isn’t proof—guys use lube

to jack off—and that box of Fleet enemas could’ve been sitting in his closet for a decade or more. There’s only one way to get to the bottom of this mystery: ask your boyfriend what’s up. He might have a good explanation—or he might be able to pull a vaguely plausible one out of his squeakyclean ass—and you’ll have to make your best guess as to whether he’s telling you the truth.

But if you want to stay with him, FIB, you might wanna lead with that. You can regard what you found when you were looking for supplies—not snooping, of course, never snooping—as an unforgivable betrayal, FIB, or you can regard it as an opportunity to renegotiate the terms of your relationship.

I’m recently married to a man I have been with for six years. We have a very happy life together in most respects and a very stable and loving relationship. The problem is, six months ago I fell deeply in love with a colleague. (We work in the same field at different companies.) I have never felt this way about anyone before. I have also never cheated. But this is truly the most creative and synchronous connection I have experienced. The second problem is that the colleague is also married and has three children. His marriage is stable but sexless.

He says he wants to leave his wife but is unwilling to do so until his youngest child goes to university, which won’t be for another two years. Meanwhile, I am wracked with guilt and indecision about how to proceed. I know that I need to make my own decisions, but I feel paralyzed. How do I start to untangle this knot?

—Married And Reassessing Relationships In Every Detail What’s the rush? You’ve got crush on a married man who’s unwilling to leave his wife for at least the next two years. Since you have no way of knowing how you’ll feel two years from now, MARRIED, and you have no way of knowing how your married colleague will feel two years from now, you don’t have to make any big moves. (Hell, you have no way of knowing for sure how your married colleague feels right now.) If you’re sure you don’t wanna stay in your marriage—whatever else might happen— you should end your marriage so your husband can get on with his life. But if you can envision a future where your feelings for your colleague have run their course and you can see yourself recommitting to a future with the man you’re currently married to, all you need to do right now is wait.

My wife and I have been together for eight years, married for four. Before we dated, I was honest with her about the fact that I could not offer long-term sexual monogamy in a relationship. She told me she understood and would be into participating in that with me. We stayed monogamous for a few years before attempting to introduce non-monogamous adventures into our life.

Although we went to swingers’ parties and used the popular websites, no potential pairings ever seemed to click for her, either MMF or MWMW. We decided to get married despite never having had an actual encounter with anyone outside our relationship. We have always enjoyed a very satisfying and frequent sex life, but she is now ambivalent about the idea of swinging. She’s told me that if she had to rank her interest from 1-10 it would fall somewhere between 0 and 1.

She has said she is willing to do it for me and that should be all I need. She puts no effort into finding potential partners or play opportunities. She also does not support the idea of me doing anything solo. Dan, I wanted a partner who would do this with me enthusiastically. I don’t want to drag anyone into sexual activity they aren’t really interested in. I tried to do this right from the beginning, but now every direction looks dangerous. Is there a way forward?

—Happily Married, Unhappily Monogamous If I had a time machine, HMUM, I would crash your bachelor party and urge you to postpone the wedding until after you’d had a few successful threesomes/foursomes with your then-fiancée, now-wife. Because if swinging was really that important to you,

before the wedding was the right time to make sure your wife was into it, not years later. Maybe your wife was into the idea before the service and isn’t into it now (vows seem to have that effect on some people), or maybe she was just telling you what you wanted to hear. Either way, she’ll never be the true “partner in crime” you wanted—meaning, even if she’s willing to go there, she’s not going to put any effort into making it happen. That’s on you. But if she’s willing to give a try, why not set something up? If she agrees to it, she might wind up liking it more than she thinks. (That happens.) If she doesn’t agree to it, then you face a choice: let these fantasies go, let monogamy go, or let her go.

I just read your response to the gay man who wanted to buy a straight male friend a meaningful gift. I was surprised to see this in your response: “So, besides pussy, what does your straight friend like?” Heterosexual men do not like “pussy.” Heterosexual men like women. And not all women have pussies.

You know better, Dan. —Promote Understanding To All I will scold the next straight guy who tells me he likes pussy, PUTA, and slap the next gay guy who tells me he likes dick—just like Dale Carnegie urged his readers to do in chapter twelve of How to Win Friends and Influence People. questions@savagelove.net Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage.

DECEMBER 30, 2021

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

By Rob Brezsny. Go to RealAstrology.com to check out Rob Brezsny’s EXPANDED WEEKLY HOROSCOPE 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700 $1.99 per minute. 18 and over. Touchtone phone required.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Historians disagree about the legacy of Jimmie Carter, who was President of the United States from 1977 to 1981. Was he effective or not?

Opinions differ. But there’s no ambiguity about a project he pursued after his presidency. He led a global effort to eliminate a pernicious disease caused by the guinea worm parasite. When Carter began his work, 3.5 million people per year suffered from the parasite’s debilitating effects.

Today, there are close to zero victims. Will 2022 bring an equivalent boon to your life, Aries? The banishment of an old bugaboo?

A monumental healing? I suspect so.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In 2022, I hope you will express more praise than ever before. I hope you’ll be a beacon of support and inspiration for the people you care for. The astrological omens suggest this could be a record-breaking year for the blessings you bestow. Don’t underestimate your power to heal and instigate beneficial transformations. Yes, of course, it’s a kind and generous strategy for you to carry out.

But it will also lead to unforeseen rewards that will support and inspire and heal you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you search Google, you’ll be told that the longest biography ever written is the 24-volume set about British political leader Winston Churchill. But my research shows there’s an even more extensive biography: about Japan’s Emperor Hirohito, who lived from 1901 to 1989. His story consists of 61 volumes. In the spirit of these expansive tales, and in accordance with 2022’s astrological aspects, I encourage you to create an abundance of noteworthy events that will deserve inclusion in your biography. Make this the year that warrants the longest and most interesting chapter in that masterpiece.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): One of the 20th century’s most famous works of art was Fountain. It was scandalous when it appeared in 1917, since it consisted entirely of a white porcelain urinal. Marcel Duchamp, the artist who presented it, was a critic of the art market and loved mocking conventional thought. Years later, however, evidence emerged suggesting that Fountain may not have been Duchamp’s idea—that in fact he “borrowed” it from Cancerian artist and poet Baroness Elsa von Freytag-Loringhoven. There’s still disagreement among art scholars about what the facts are. But if definitive proof ever arrives that von Freytag-Loringhoven was the originator, it will be in 2022. This will be the year many Cancerians finally get the credit they deserve.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Author Carson McCullers wrote the novel The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter. Early in the story, the character named Mick Kelly has a crisis of yearning. McCullers describes it: “The feeling was a whole lot worse than being hungry for any dinner, yet it was like that.

I want—I want—I want—was all that she could think about—but just what this real want was she did not know.” If you have ever had experiences resembling Mick’s, Leo, 2022 will be your year to fix that glitch in your passion. You will receive substantial assistance from life whenever you work on the intention to clarify and define the specific longings that are most essential to you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): After careful research, I have concluded that one of your important missions in 2022 will be to embody a perspective articulated by poet Rand Howells: “If I could have but one wish granted, it would be to live in a universe like this one at a time like the present with friends like the ones I have now and be myself.” In other words, Virgo, I’m encouraging you to do whatever’s necessary to love your life exactly as it is—without comparing it unfavorably to anyone else’s life or to some imaginary life you don’t actually have.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If your quest for spiritual enlightenment doesn’t enhance your ability to witness and heal the suffering of others, then it’s fake enlightenment.

If your quest for enlightenment encourages you to imagine that expressing personal freedom exempts you from caring for the well-being of your fellow humans, it’s fake.

If your quest for enlightenment allows you to ignore racism, bigotry, plutocracy, misogyny, and LGBTQIA-phobia, it’s fake.

Everything I just said about enlightenment is equally true about your quest for personal success. If it doesn’t involve serving others, it’s meaningless. In this spirit, Libra, and in accordance with the astrological omens, I invite you to make 2022 the year you take your compassion and empathy to the highest level ever.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Two mating rabbits could theoretically engender 11 million relatives within a year’s time. Although I suspect that in 2022 you will be as metaphorically fertile as those two hypothetical rabbits, I’m hoping you’ll aim more for quality than quantity. To get started, identify two projects you could pursue in the coming months that will elicit your most liberated creativity. Write a vow in which you state your intention to be intensely focused as you express your fecundity.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A blogger named Soracities writes, “The more I read, the more I feel that a good mark of an intelligent book is simply that the author is having fun with it.” Sagittarian author George Saunders adds that at its best, “Literature is a form of fondness-for-life. It is love for life taking a verbal form.” I will expand these analyses to evaluate everything that humans make and do. In my opinion, the supreme sign of intelligence and value is whether the creators had fun and felt love in doing it. My proposal to you, Sagittarius, is to evaluate your experiences in that spirit. If you are doing things with meager amounts of fun and love, what can you do in 2022 to raise the fun and love quotient?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Microbiologist Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928. It was later described as “the single greatest victory ever achieved over disease”—an antidote to dangerous infections caused by bacteria.

But there’s more to the story. Fleming’s strain of penicillin could only be produced in tiny amounts—not nearly enough to become a widespread medicine. It wasn’t until 1943 that a different strain of penicillin was found—one that could be mass-produced. The genius who made this possible was Mary Hunt, a humble researcher without a college degree. By 1944, the new drug was saving thousands of lives. I mention Hunt because she’s a good role model for you in 2022. I believe you’ll have chances to improve on the work of others, generating excellent results. You may also improve on work you’ve done in the past.

Comics

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Catherine Pugh wrote a series of children’s books collectively known as Healthy Holly. Later, when she became mayor of the city of Baltimore, she carried out a scheme to sell 100,000 copies to hospitals and schools that did business with the city. Uh-oh.

Corruption! She was forced to resign from her office and was arrested. I’d love for you to be aggressive and imaginative in promoting yourself in 2022, but only if you can find ethical ways to do so. I’d love for you to make money from doing what you do best, but always with high integrity and impeccability.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Piscean Vaslav Nijinsky is regarded by many as the 20th century’s most brilliant dancer. He had a robust relationship with beauty, and I want you to know about it. Hopefully, this will inspire you to enjoy prolonged periods of Beauty Worship in 2022. To do so will be good for your health. Memorize this passage from Nijinsky: “Beauty is God. God is beauty with feeling. Beauty is in feeling. I love beauty because I feel it and therefore understand it. I flaunt my beauty. I feel love for beauty.” ■ Homework: Name your greatest hope for the person you love best. Newsletter.

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TUCSONWEEKLY.COM

DECEMBER 30, 2021

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Crossword Answers WA S P E D N A D O E R A S T/F A K E R A S C A M O S I C U L O T T I I S O L N U K E T/F E A R E D Y R E S

A M S T L U P I T/F R E E P A N D G O L D A L E D R A T T/F E E D O O D A N L L S D E T/F I S C A N G L A N D B I G G I S E E S A

E N S I G N F A R R S E W

L O P I P L A O S A S F H E A E S L A T I T

C A R E D

A R I A L

P E T T Y

K O A L A B E A R

O R I E L

F A L S E

E S M S U E

EMPLOYMENT GENERAL

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DECEMBER 30, 2021

TUCSONWEEKLY.COM 23

Edited by Will Shortz ACROSS

1 Builder of a papery nest 5 Brand of imported “bier” 11 Stadium souvenir 14 “Hairspray” mom 15 “High Sierra” co-star 16 Make, in math 17 Go-getter 18 Wood nymph /

Independent person

20 Cold-blooded killer 22 “The King ___” 23 It gives many Scotches

their smoky taste 24 Win at the Olympics / Cheap jewelry material 27 “I’d be delighted” 29 Impish sort 30 Grandson of Adam 31 Prophet who said “But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream” 32 “Darn!”

35 Request from 39 Location for round-theclock monitoring, in brief 40 Drove a golf ball / Gain strength from 42 ___ pro nobis 43 Numbers game 45 ___ Point, Calif.

46 Praise loudly 47 Misfortunes 49 Old Spanish coins 51 Wagner heroine 54 Goodyear blowout / “Everything must go” event 56 Zap 57 Act of digitization

59 Chocolate ___ 60 Waterworks parts /

Amygdalae

1

63 Openings for “To Tell the

Truth” 66 Frozen dessert eponym 67 Rapper who had an infamous rivalry with Tupac 68 Brand with a paw print in its logo 69 Hi-___ 70 School board?

71 One of two options in five squares in this puzzle

DOWN

1 Join 2 Kerfuffle 3 Breaks curfew, maybe 4 Han Solo claims to have

made the Kessel Run in less than 12 of these 5 PC key / Sitcom ET 6 Many a work by Banksy 7 Devote, as time 8 All square 9 Iago, under Othello 10 Hack 11 Felt something 12 Common default font 13 Trivial 19 “Not for me” 21 ___ Tour 24 Lag behind / Weak 25 Transmission repair franchise 26 Renaissance Faire adjective 28 Lollygag 30 Boris Johnson’s alma mater

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33 Traffic lights you can’t

go through 34 Nabokov title character 36 Nonprimate with fingerprints that are nearly identical to a human’s 37 Bay window 38 One of two options in five squares in this puzzle 40 Snitched / Throw in the cards 41 Jamie of “M*A*S*H” 44 Backsplash installer 46 Attacks a job with gusto 48 Nielsen of “The Naked Gun”

62

63

50 Caterpillar roll

ingredient

51 Lay to rest / Deduce 52 Tannery product 53 Green-lights 54 Zesty flavors / Part of

a Dracula costume

55 Country with the

largest population of vegetarians 58 Pen 61 “Pygmalion” author’s monogram 62 Darn, e.g.

64 Land-bound bird 65 Glasgow-to-London dir.

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Christmas Eve Services

UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST

Christmas Services or onlin Please join Eve us in-person

Casas Church CasasAdobes Adobes Congregational Congregational Church AnOpen Openand andAffirming Affirming Congregation Congregation of An of the theUCC UCC

Please join usyouin-person Nomatter matter who you are No who are or where whereor youonline are

Dec. 24journey, at 3:30youpm 7:00 pm onlife’s life’s journey, welcome here! on areand welcome here!

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Join Congregational UsPlease forjoin Church Join Casas Adobes Congregational Church us in-person or online United Church of Christ United Church of Christ In-Person Dec. 24 and at 3:30 pm and 7:00 pm United Church In-Person of Christ6801 North Oracle Rd., Tucson Casas Adobes Congregational Church 6801 North Oracle Rd., Tucson 6801 North OracleWorship Rd.,www.caucc.org/christmas Tucson United Church of Christ Online Services Online Services 6801 North Oracle Rd., Tucson www.caucc.org/christmas www.caucc.org/christmas www.caucc.org/christmas www.caucc.org/welcome/worship www.caucc.org/welcome/worship 520.297.1181||info@caucc.org info@caucc.org || 6801 520.297.1181 6801 N. N.Oracle OracleRoad Road

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TUCSONWEEKLY.COM

DECEMBER 30, 2021