How to Deliver a Powerful, Yet Meaningful, Apology to your Teenage Child

by Kath Kvols

Editor’s note: Montessori education is all about modeling the behavior we expect our children to learn. As they grow, we might not teach them how to wait for their turn to speak, but we might very well enforce their empathy, social skills and model the way we want them to think and reflect when something happens and they arrive late.

These suggestions can be applied with friends and family members. Children often want an explanation for your behavior. In this case, make a very short explanation. Children often want to be reassured that you aren’t angry with them and that you still love them.

Being more interested in their feelings than your own feelings is the key to a successful, powerful, and meaningful apology.

It is virtually impossible not to find yourself in this position. We hope that using these guidelines will help restore and enhance your relationship rather than create even more distance.

Don’t gaslight (making the other person question their reality).

“You must have heard me wrong. I said one-ish.” Comments like these put the responsibility for your actions on someone else.

Don’t put the blame on them.

“You should have called me if you were worried.”

Don’t make excuses for your behavior.

“My last appointment ran over time.” They are not interested in your excuses at this moment!

Don’t talk about how you feel.

“I am so embarrassed. I am usually on time.” Again, they are not interested in your feelings at this moment!

Don’t over apologize. “I am REALLY sorry. This was so inconsiderate of me.” This can be misconstrued as being more concerned about making sure they are not angry with you than you are about their feelings.

Don’t make false promises. “I promise I'll never be late again.” It is impossible to make this promise in the future, and it doesn’t alleviate the other person’s negative feelings.

Do take responsibility for your actions.

“You are right. I am REALLY late!”

Do validate their feelings.

“You have a right to be irritated with me.”

Do admit you were wrong.

“I didn’t watch my time effectively.”

Do empathize with how they might be feeling. “It must have been irritating to wait this long.”

Do sincerely apologize once, while making good eye contact with them.

Do make amends for your behavior.

“How about I buy your lunch for inconveniencing you?”

Kathryn Kvols is the president of APEC, a worldwide parent-training network that teaches her life-changing course, “Redirecting Children’ Behavior.” The course teaches skill-building strategies to families. They emphasize teamwork, creating win-win situations and effectively avoiding power struggles using kind-but-firm methods promoted by Dr. Alfred Adler and Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs.

Kathryn has a bachelor of science degree in psychology and social work with a minor in education from Concordia College in Minnesota. Kathryn and her husband, Brian Harper, reside in Gainesville, Florida and have a blended family of five children: Brianna, Tyler, Chloe, Emily, and Amy. Visit her website at www.apecparenting.com for more information.