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Kendra must face her past ‘ and stop hurting herself-before it's too late....
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Editor in Chief/Senior Wrier Tina Toler- Keel Senior Editor/Senior Writer Eric B. Toler
Photographers Cody Combs Brianna Wood Miranda Griffin Eric Toler Breanna Walston Feature Writers Emily Toler Jared Talbert Caron Briggs Jonathan Strickland Haven Tatterton
Models Eric B. Toler Emily M. Toler Jessica F. Toler Mikayla Adams Sabastian Adams Anthony Cook Breanna Adams Justin Hall Jonathan Strickland Brianna Wood Brandi Simmons Taylor Page Nicholas Griffin
Published by Books and Coffee Publishing PO BOX 320 Whiteville, NC 28472 Backporchwriting@gmail.com
WEB SITE: www.itswhoiam.org FACEBOOK: www.facebook.com/itswhoiam.mag TWITTER: www.twitter.com/ItsWhoIAmMag 3
FEATURE
ARTICLES Inside View Of Bullying
Be Good to Yourself
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53
Breaking up with the one you love, Loosing a best friend, the death of a parent, grandparent, or close friend. Saying GOOD-BYE
Eating Disorders 113
WORST DAY EVER 48
61 57 w Intervie With Cheryl ld Rainfie
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Table of Contents About us
7
Models
10
Note From Editor
12
Eating Disorders 101
13
Book Review: Winter Girls
16
Drive Safely
17
Am I Gay?
20
Choosing the Right College
22
Fun things to Do
24
Be Good To Yourself
26
Why Do They Hate Me?
28
How to Heal a Sore Throat
32
Interview with Cheryl Rainfield
33
Stay Strong: A Poem
42
Failing College
43
Party Time Dangers
48
Worst Day
51
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Table of Contents
Inside View of Bullying
54
Coming Out
58
Saying Good-Bye
62
It’s Jared: How Depression Warps Your View of The World
66
A Short Story Coffee with Frank
68
Featured Reader
71
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About Us Tina Toler-Keel –Founder, Executive Editor, Feature Writer After watching her son, Eric, and many of his friends deal with discrimination, hate crimes, and family disapproval for being gay, Tina Toler-Keel felt it was time to do something. She has written two books for teens, God Said What? and College Bound, and played around with a blog, It’s Who I Am, but always felt there was more for her to do. When the inspiration hit for a magazine, Mrs. Toler-Keel did not hesitate and enlisted her son to help out. From there, the magazine has gone from a tiny seed of an idea into a real work of hope and inspiration. Mrs. Toler-Keel is a stay-at-home mother of four children. Although her oldest is in college and the youngest started Middle School, she feels home with them is where she belongs. When you don’t see her writing and drinking coffee, she can be found hanging out with her kids or out walking her French Mastiff dog, Hooch.
Eric Toler, Senior Editor and Feature Writer Eric is 16 years old, outgoing, and very unique. He enjoys listening to music, spending time with his friends, and styling hair and makeup. He is mildly obsessed with fashion, Lady Gaga, and coffee. His cat Avery is his very best friend; however, his true love lies in theatre arts. He plans to study theatre in college and pursue a career in the field. He is 20% eccentric and 100% fabulous.
Caron Briggs, Feature Writer Caron grew up in several places across the United States due to a father in the Army. She spent a few years in Texas and Virginia, and now resides in North Carolina where she met the fellow staff and founder of It’s Who I Am. By moving often, she has experienced many different types of individuals and realizes that we are not all as different as we try to delude ourselves. She has come to the conclusion that no one should be judged without knowledge, and that the world can always use more love and acceptance. By writing and helping with the magazine, she hopes to portray this view point to as many as possible, and hopefully make this world “just a smidge better.”
Jared Talbert, Feature Writer and Columnist Jarod is a writer of all sorts. He grew up having a very rough childhood. As a result of that upbringing, he has suffered through years of depression, trauma, and anxiety. He has faced many hardships in his life, but always manages to come through stronger. He once viewed himself as useless, but is now realizing his full value and potential. His hope is that by using his experiences and wisdom, he can help others realize the value in their selves as well. He currently attends the University of North Carolina at Pembroke.
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Emily Toler, Feature Writer Emily is a Freshman at the University of North Carolina at Pembroke. She loves to read, write, and sing. Learning about new things and teaching them to others has always been her passion and she hopes to utilize that by becoming an English teacher. She identifies herself as bisexual. By drawing upon her past experiences with sexual indiscretions, her parent’s divorce, mildly abusive and controlling relationships, and failing her first year of college, Emily hopes to bring encouragement and hope to those who have lost theirs.
Jonathan Strickland, Contributing Writer Jonathan, a musician at heart, has been through it all. From his own stint using drugs and alcohol to deal with life’s pressures to dealing with a father’s death and another family members alcoholism, he knows how easy it is to fall into depression and resort to unhealthy measures to deal. Throughout the last few years, he has lost friends due to drugs, watched friends fight for teir lives, and been through bad break ups. Instead of allowing this to take control, he stood up strong and took control of his own life and is learning to make positive changes. When he isn’t eating at the local Mexican restaurant or working at the prison, Jonathan can be found playing his guitar and singing to crowds at local bars. It is his dream to make an album and go for the big spotlight
Haven Tatterton, Feature Writer The young lady known as Haven Tatterton grew up in a rather scattered home and as a result of some things, grew attached to some rather dangerous habits. Habits she battles day-by-day. Her hope is that through articles on eating disorders she can help steer other teens, male and female, away from the dangers of the disorders, as well as help educate others so they do not follow the deadly path. Haven is writing under a pen name.
Jessica Faithe Toler, Writer and Model Jessica is a young teen who loves to read a good book, listen to great music, and watch Glee with her family. During her fifth grade year, Jessica won at the state level in the Young Author’s Competition. Since then, she has improved her writing skills and loves composing new poems. Jessica is an avid and talented member of the schools prestigious After School Choir and a member of the Art Club. In the evenings, Jessica can most often be found talking on the phone to her boyfriend, Alex.
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Photographers
Brianna Wood
Cody Combs
Eric Toler
Miranda Griffin
Emily Toler
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From left to right
Emily Marie Toler Jessica Faithe Toler Eric Blaine Toler Mikayla Adams Johnathan Strickland Justin Hall Anthony Cook Sabastian Adams Breanna Adams 10
More Awesome Models
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As the mother of a gay son, I have witnessed first hand the hatred that is in the world. It often comes from everywhere. Family members, friends, and strangers have all been the culprit in our war against gay hatred. This not only saddens me as Eric’s mother, but as a human being. All of us are unique. All of us are perfect. All of us are flawed. When it comes right down to it, no matter what walk of life we come from, we are all the same. We are humans. As humans, everyone, no matter what the skin color, size of the body, sexual orientation, or religion, should be able to live freely, without judgment and hatred from others. It is our basic, guaranteed right. I have listened to so many young adults and some even younger discuss their fears, their enemies, and their lack of self esteem. The issues they face include, but are not limited to, domestic violence and child abuse, sexual assault, hate crimes, homosexuality, weight issues, and everything else you can imagine. It breaks my heart hearing a beautiful young girl who is a size fourteen cry because the world has taught her she is ugly. Or the amazing young gay guy who is hated because he likes boys. Or the sweet, intelligent senior who is picked on for being a book worm. Or the young girl who is kicked out of her home and cast out like old bread because she fell in love with a girl. Or the guy at school who has a bad reputation because he likes black and has a lip piercing. My list goes on and on. These are people. Real, wonderful, capable, and enduring human beings who are learning to believe they have no value because of their looks or sexual orientation. It is my goal, and the goal of my staff, to change that, one young adult at a time. Here, you will not find articles on beauty, fashion, or “what not to do or wear.” Instead, you will learn to be a better you, learn to view others with more compassion, and how we can all, one small step at a time, make the world a better place. Never hesitate to contact us. If you need advice or help, please email helpline@itswhoiam.org. If one of my staff members or I can not help, I promise we will find someone who can. We are always here for you and wish you compassion, self worth, and strength. Stay strong,
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By Haven Tatterton
Anorexia Nervosa Bulimia Nervosa Binge Eating Anorexia Athletica Night Eating Syndrome Orthorexia Nervosa EDNOS [Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified]:
“N T
othing. Nothing is wrong, and asking is against the rules. Crying is against the rules. You're strong; don't let them break you. They're trying to destroy you.�
his is a thought that runs through many minds, young and old, male and female, straight and gay, and everything in-between. This is the thought of an eating disordered mind. Continued
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Orthorexia Nervosa: This is a very little-known group of eating disorders. The term “ortho� means straight, correct and true. It refers to a fixation on eating proper foods. This might seem like a harmless thing, however in my opinion, it is a disorder. When healthy eating, when anything, is taken to an extreme, it is no longer healthy. While orthorexia begins innocently enough, as it is eating to better oneself, it easily goes out of hand. The foods being eaten and the portion sizes become all consuming in their mind. EDNOS [Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified]: This includes any eating disorder that does not fit into a certain category, such as a bulimia sufferer who only binges at a frequency of less than twice a week or for a duration of less than 3 months, or an anorexia sufferer who still maintains a regular menses (period)/ normal weight. This category is for someone who is struggling with eating disorder thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, but does not have all the symptoms of one the above. While many people view this as being less important, less common, or less serious than one listed above, that is not true. Far more eating disorder traits are combined making this a risky, and possibly deadly, disorder. EDNOS can also lead to eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia, or another of the listed disorders. As most eating disorders correlate with stress and control, it is very easy for this to spin out of control and take a path of a defined disorder. The most important thing to remember, however, is you are not alone. There are others out there suffering as you suffer, me being one of them, and there is always treatment. There is always a tomorrow. 15
A MUST READ for anyone who has suffered an eating disorder, knows someone else who has, or anyone who doesn’t know the dangers.
Book Review Winter Girls
by Caron Briggs
A book dealing with the tragedies and danger of eating disorders.
That skinny girl sits in the back of class; the one who may be quiet, the one who may only show up every once in a while, or even the skinny girl who tries her hardest to be the best at everything. You know her, may even feel jealous of how skinny and perfect she appears to be. However, many of us don’t make the connection that the “perfect skinny girl” is suffering more than any of us. In Winter Girls, Laurie Halse Anderson makes this girl the narrator of the troubles many face while dealing with anorexia, as well as other issues, such as absent parents, loss of a best friend, and feeling utterly alone while still trying to make it through high school. The writing style captures the reader in an unconventional way, as he or she is pulled deeper and deeper into the story line and characters. Laurie Halse Anderson’s unconventional writing style is best showcased within her description of the two main characters. Lia and Cassie are best friends who suffer through the pressures of perfection, and the disastrous effects of anorexia. However, when the book begins, one only knows of Lia’s point of view. Life ruining anorexia combined with the strains of life have taken Cassie as a victim, leaving Lia all alone. Without the support of her best friend giving her a path to follow, Lia risks falling into the same spiral that took Cassie’s life. While the nature of the book is dark, delving in troubles many would wish to keep away from the forefront of their minds, it is beautiful in a rare way that will ensnare your mind and make you turn the page with bated breath. By the end of the book, the reader relates with Lia, and nearly feels like he or she is Lia herself. Whether you suffer from the problems addressed in the book yourself and wish to not feel alone anymore, or simply wish to read something off-kilter and beautiful, as a reader, I would recommend this book with the highest of reviews. 16
DRIVE SAFELY!
“D
rive safely,” Dad calls to me as I am pulling out of his driveway. It’s a nice sentiment and I know he worries about me, but honestly, I am forty-four years old and have been driving more years than most of you have been alive. I don’t need to be reminded to drive safely, especially when my four kids are buckled in the back seat. Geez. You think he would understand this by now, wouldn’t you? But noooo. He still tells me every single time I am leaving.
I
find myself doing the same thing to others. Our friend, Jonathan, visits me quite often and I have noticed when he leaves I say, “I love you. Drive safely.” Why do I do this? He’s a grown man. He knows how to drive. Perhaps I have more of my dad in me than I care to admit. Or maybe I love him and worry about him. Hey, could that be why Dad always tells me to be careful? Maybe he isn’t downing my driving, but worries something will happen to me. I like that a lot better so let’s go with that. Continued 17
Drive Safely Continued Are you told to drive safely? Does it drive you crazy? If you are a driver, then my guess is at least someone tells you the same old line and you say okay while rolling your eyes. If that’s true, reconsider the reason behind it, and think about ways you can drive safer and what you do that is unsafe. Here are a few things I tend to do while driving that may not be as unsafe as driving under the influence, but still isn’t great. • Thinking! Okay. I know you have to think when driving. You must think about what other cars are doing. You have to think about where you are going. You have to be alert. That’s not what I mean. I mean thinking about anything other than driving. For me, I tend to daydream – A LOT. Some of my best ideas for stories or books hit when I am driving. Or I am thinking about the unpaid bill lying on my kitchen table. Or wondering what I will fix for dinner. Or anything other than the road. It’s okay to have other thoughts, but zoning out into another world isn’t. How are you doing? Do you zone out and think about school, friends, food, or whatever? If so, we all need to work on this one. • Watching other people. I am a people watcher. I find people absolutely fascinating. Whether it’s the guy in the car beside me playing the steering wheel drums, the young girl dancing to a tune on the radio, or the elderly lady peering over the steering wheel. I notice people’s hair styles. I watch their mannerisms. It’s another thing I get from my dad. But, when I am driving, I need to concentrate on things that are important, like the lines in the road, not the lines on the guys face in the car beside me. • Singing to the radio. I don’t do this anymore because my van is old and decrepit and doesn’t have a working radio, but when it did, wow did I sing. I sing horribly. Just ask my daughter, Jessica. So when I am alone in a car, I can wail out a song at the top of my lungs and no one is the wiser, or in pain. Jamming to Lady Gaga is fun, but it sure doesn’t keep me focused on driving. Continued
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I know there are other things I do that aren’t safe, but I have blocked them out. What about you? What are your unsafe habits? Eating? Texting? Talking on the phone? Come on, just admit it. No one will know but you. After you figure out what you do, let’s make a pact to concentrate on driving and try to break our bad habits. I’m willing. Are you? Because I tend to think of all kids and young adults as my own, I am giving you a list of dos to becoming a better and safer driver. Please take time to think about your driving and remember these important lessons while behind a wheel. Your life, or the life of someone else, may be saved. • Driving in the rain – Dad always told me, “The roads are always slickest the first fifteen minutes after it starts raining.” One day I finally asked why. He explained that when the roads first become wet the oil migrates to the surface, thus making the road slick. Over the years I have learned this isn’t something he made up. It’s true. When it first starts raining, even if there isn’t a lot of water on the road, slow down and take it easy. • Driving in the dark – I have horrible sight and hate driving after dark, but there are times I must. In fact, I have to in a few moments. Even if you can see well, there are a few things to remember. First, use your headlights. Use high beams when you can, but always dim them when a car is coming so you don’t blind the other driver. Never stare directly into another car’s lights. This causes short term blindness or at the very least, spots. It’s not fun. Last, please watch for pedestrians. In our town, we have many people who like to walk across our highway after dark. Usually they are wearing dark clothes, which is crazy in my opinion. I am terrified I will hit one of them. Just slow down in areas where pedestrians tend to be, keep an extra eye out, and be careful. • No matter how big of a hurry you are in, always stop for school buses and drive the posted limit in school zones. I know it’s irritating. Believe me, I have cursed more than one bus in my time, but the kids deserve to be safe. • You are not driving for NASCAR! Keep it simple and keep it near the limit. • DO NOT DRIVE UNDER THE INFLUENCE! That means alcohol, prescription medication, illegal drugs, or strong cold medicines. Even if you think you are alright, you probably aren’t. Avoid it at all costs. Nothing is worth your life. There are many other ways to drive safely, but if you use your common sense you will know them. Take it easy, don’t be reckless, and pay attention. Safe driving. ~Tina Toler-Keel
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A
t one time or another, most people are attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Many friends have crushes on their best friends, regardless of their sex. Girls in particular admire other girls’ attitudes, personality and physical appearances. Male or females may prefer to hang out with someone of their own sex than go on a date. Males may be interested in things considered feminine, such as hair or fashion. Girls may prefer building something out of wood than fixing their hair and make-up. Society has allowed stereotyping so these individuals may be labeled as gay. Are they gay? Possibly, but it is just as possible they aren’t. Continued 20
Perhaps you yourself have wondered if you are bisexual or gay. If you have spent countless hours worrying and trying to label yourself, you know the feeling of confusion and questioning. It is a difficult experience to go through but with self exploration and deep thought, you can find the answer within yourself. First, just because you are attracted to or have a crush on someone of the same sex does not necessarily mean you are gay. As humans, we have sexual desires and imaginations. It is healthy, even vital, to allow our minds to fully experience possibilities and different ideas. That is why they are called fantasies. The second point is if your interests aren’t the same as society’s view of what is normal for your gender, that doesn’t mean you are automatically gay. It means you are in touch with what you think, feel, experience, and what makes you happy. Society and peers may try to make you feel inferior, but they can only do that if you allow them to. Be yourself and show them who’s boss of you. Next, one kiss with someone from the same sex doesn’t mean you are gay or bisexual. Teens in particular explore their sexuality. Some would never touch, let alone kiss, someone of the same gender, but for some, they explore in very sexual ways. When done for curiosity, it is usually simply exploration, not a definition of your sexual orientation. Lastly, what others think of you is not who you are. No one knows your deepest thoughts and feelings better than you, and it is a mistake to allow society, peers, family, or anyone else mold you into someone you aren’t. Throughout my life I have known people who were labeled gay, when in fact they were quite the opposite. I have also had friends who everyone viewed as either sluts or studs. They had the reputation of sleeping with many members of the opposite sex, when in reality, they were virgins and were interested in only those of the same sex. I have heard statements from acquaintances of mine who believe it is impossible to be bisexual. They argue if you have any interest in someone of the same sex, you are automatically wrong and completely and unquestionably gay. This is a huge fallacy. It is very possible to be equally attracted to members of your own gender as well as members of the opposite sex. For individuals who are bisexual, some do not see sex, only people. Some are attracted to individuals of both sexes, although they may have a preference of one over the over. For excample, my daughter is bi-sexual and is attracted to both male and female, but she is more attracted to males. When deciding to settle into a committed relationship, there is no way to know which sex they will settle with, and to them, it just doesn’t matter. It depends entirely on the person they fall in love with. If you fall into this category, you are most likely a bisexual. So, how do you know if you are gay? The answer is different for everyone. Some people know from early on in life they are. It’s a feeling they have. They have a deep seeded attraction to their own sex and no sexual interest in the opposite gender at all. For some, it takes years for them to know they are gay. Some have even married and had children before they knew. To answer the question, “Am I gay?” you have to be totally honest with yourself and know the answer lies within you. It isn’t about how you act or things you like. It is about your attraction, and that is where you have to be honest with yourself. Everyone has heard about coming out. It is a difficult procedure that takes strength and courage, but perhaps the greatest challenge is coming out to your self. If your family is against homosexuality and that has been the basis of your beliefs, it will be even more difficult. But in order to be true to yourself, it is essential to be honest about your feelings. If you aren’t ready to talk to someone, that’s okay, but be honest with yourself. Admit to which sex to which you are most attracted. Consider those you think about sexually as well as romantically. If you think of those of your sex, you are probably gay. You do not have to make a decision immediately. Although some have always known their sexual orientation, it usually isn’t something you can say, “Yep, I decided I am gay.” If you have any questions remaining, don’t rush to a decision. Take your time and you will soon know exactly who you are. Finding out you are bisexual or gay does not change who you are. You are still the same person, same friend, same son or daughter, same everything as you were before. There will be more on that topic following soon. Remember, be honest with yourself above all things. Trust in your own feelings and instincts and soon you will know what you want. Hang in there and stay strong. 21
Choosing The Right College By Tina Toler-Keel
As the mother of a college freshman and a high school junior, I have experienced firsthand how difficult it is to decide upon a college. For me, the choice was easy. I went to the community college nearest my home; but for my children, who have higher aspiration than I dreamed of, the choice isn’t as clear cut and easy. Listening to their friends rant about where their parents want them to go versus where they prefer brought to my attention this is an overall problem, not one that is exclusive to my family. The choices seem limitless, especially if you have the financial resources and a good GPA in high school. You can go just about anywhere you want to, and many take that opportunity without hesitation. And the mail a high school junior and senior receives is crazy. Every day I go to the mailbox and Eric has received yet another brochure from a college. Some are close by with fields of study he is interested in. Some are far away and sound intriguing, and some just seem downright odd for his interests. How does one ever decide where to go when there are so many possibilities? Let’s look at some of the issues you can consider when making your very important decision. • Location: Do you want or need to stay close to home? If so, how close? My oldest daughter opted on a school an hour away because she was far enough to live her own life, but close enough to get home when she wanted or needed to. This has worked out well for us. However, I have a cousin who went from Florida to California. It’s not that easy to get home on weekends when that far away, but it worked well for her and her family. This is a choice only you can make. If you can not afford out of state tuition, that narrows the choice substantially. If you have scholarships or your parents can afford and are willing to pay for out-of-state tuition, the choice is broader, so you must consider what you want. • Cost: Again, the issue of out-of-state tuition versus in-state tuition comes into play. For us, out-of-state colleges are not an option because of cost. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it is. Also, my oldest daughter, Emily, Caron and Eric enjoying a soccer game wanted to go to Wingate University, a private college, but after sitting While visiting a college campus down and figuring out our finances, it wasn’t feasible. I know this is the hard part, but it is essential to work out your budget with your parents and be realistic. In addition to tuition, room, and board, you must consider the cost of traveling to and from home. That will depend largely upon how often you plan on visiting. If you choose a college in a town or city with a great deal of entertainment possibilities, you will need to add in how much you plan to do, and again, be realistic. Once the budget has been set, you will have a better idea on what you can afford. 22
Choosing the Right College Continued •
The size of the town: Do you prefer a smaller, rural community or a large, metropolitan area? If you are in a larger area, are you going to be distracted by all the attraction and not concentrate on school work? If you are in a small town, will you feel closed in, isolated, and depressed? Each person is unique and will answer this differently. Emily decided on a small, rural community, but my son, Eric, is looking at schools in larger cities. There is no “one size fits all.” Although the college is virtually a town in itself, you will want to venture out into life outside campus. Consider your options in town size carefully as you make your decision. • Fields of Study: This is vital. If your school of choice does not offer the curriculum you are looking for, look elsewhere. Do not settle for a major in something you don’t truly want to do just to go to a particular school. Also, take into consideration if the school is accredited, especially in fields such as nursing and education. How long have they been accredited? Have they ever lost their accreditation? What is the pass percentage? What percentage of students find jobs after graduation? I know, I know. It’s boring research, but it is essential to know what the school’s qualifications in your major are. • What activities and clubs are offered? If you are religious, you will more than likely want to make sure there is a great Christian club on campus. Interested in supporting gay rights? A GSA or LGBT club will be important to you. Want to spend a year in France? Perhaps you need a French club. Love to swim? What about a swim team or swim club? Look into your interests and be sure you can find something to encourage that love. • Party Life: If you plan on partying a lot (which probably isn’t a great idea, but we will get into that in another article) you will not be happy on a campus where parties are at a bare minimum. If you are more of a quiet natured person who wants to spend time reading and hanging out quietly with friends, a school with a reputation for best and loudest parties will leave you disappointed and feeling lost. This isn’t always the case, but generally, it is true. In your search for the right school, don’t be afraid to ask around. Facebook and Twitter are great ways to meet people who attend schools you are interested in and most students are eager to help others make a decision. Also, ask your friends who have attended the schools you are looking at. Arm yourself with information and you can find the right campus for your style of social life.
Eleven year old Jacob Toler helps his big sister, Emily, move in to her new room in a college dormitory.
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Fun Things We Like To Do R L B M U T
Listen t o
FAC EBO OK
EAT
Music TWITTER
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Eric and Caron Working on The Miss Firecracker Contest
Eric ready for his role As Ethel in Where’s Coetta?, a play he, his sister, And a friend wrote.
It’s Who I Am: Theatre Eric Toler When describing myself, I say many different things. I like coffee. I like to be silly with my friends. I like to spend a lot of my time on Twitter and Tumblr. However, there’s one thing that really defines who I am and makes up a big part of my life: theatre. My love for theatre is one of my favorite things about me. While many teenagers spend their time participating in sports, working, or partying, I spend my time with theatre. Performing for an audience gives me an amazing feeling. I also enjoy working backstage, doing different things. I love most aspects of theatre. Theatre takes up a large amount of time for me. When I’m acting, I spend most of my time going over lines or songs, trying to memorize them, and at rehearsal, working to make my performance better. When I’m working backstage, I’ll spend a lot of time at rehearsals making sure everything that needs to get done is done. But it’s not just rehearsals and working on shows for me. I love to watch plays. I obsess over finding Broadway musicals that I can watch online. I try to know as much about shows as I can. I listen to the songs, read the lines, and learn about the cast. I spend a lot of time at home on YouTube, watching videos of shows that intrigue me. Recently I’ve been obsessing over Patti LuPone in Gypsy. She’s definitely one of my favorite actresses. Sometimes my peers make fun of me for my love of theatre. It’s been said that I spend too much time caring about it, that it doesn’t matter, or that theatre is stupid. I just ignore them, though. Because my love for theatre drives me. It makes me feel amazing. It brings me an unexplainable joy. I plan to study theatre in college, and pursue a career in theatre professionally. I haven’t decided yet if I want to do performance, backstage work, or directing, but I do know that this is what I want to do with my life.
I’m Eric Toler, and I’m a theatre kid. It’s who I am.
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Be Good to Yourself
T
he Golden Rule is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It makes sense.
Treat every one fairly and treat them well. Don’t yell at them. Don’t talk behind their backs. Don’t be rude. Do be polite. Do use your manners. Do be encouraging . It is one of the best “rules” out there. Continued 26
Be Good to Yourself continued But let’s take a look a little deeper. Do we treat ourselves well? Sometimes the answer is yes, but more often, it’s no, we don’t. We look into a mirror and think, “My hair is ugly. My breasts aren’t big enough. I have fat thighs. My cheekbones aren’t high enough,” or whatever our issues may be. We mess up on a test or make a mistake and we silently berate ourselves. “Why are you so stupid?” Many of us go even deeper than that. “I’m such a screw-up, no one will ever like me.” Or, “I’m so fat, I am going to stop eating altogether.” We have the tendency to hate ourselves, to look down upon ourselves, and to forget the good in ourselves. There are several reasons for this. According to a blog, “Why Is Self-Acceptance So Hard?” published September 13, 2011, on Psychology Today by Barbara Markway, Ph.D. the reasons we are so hard on ourselves are listed below. · · ·
We think if we punish ourselves enough, we'll change. We don't believe we deserve self-acceptance. We believe we're giving up control.
What can we do to change our mindsets? Can we learn to accept ourselves as we are and be good to ourselves? You bet we can. Here are a few ways you can accept yourself: ·~ Look into the mirror and think about all the good qualities you have, both physical as well as personal. For example, look at your gorgeous eyes, full lips, or whatever your favorite physical feature is, and focus on that. Then, think about the qualities you possess. Perhaps you are frugal. Or maybe you are friendly and accepting. Maybe you are strong. Or good with kids or the elderly. Maybe you are great in math. It doesn’t matter. Just focus on what you know is best about you. ·~ When you start downing yourself, STOP! Yes, it is easier said than done, trust me, I know. But it can be done. When you catch yourself believing you are stupid because you made a mistake, STOP and rethink, “I made a mistake. It happens. I will learn from this mistake and be a better person. Remember when I (insert great thing here). That wasn’t stupid.” ·~ Think about what you need. Don’t rely on every one else to meet those needs, but meet them for yourself. For example, if you need to be reassured you are a great person, don’t wait on family or friends to tell you. Tell yourself. It’s okay to tell yourself, “Hey, I’m pretty great!” Just don’t cross the line and become totally conceited and arrogant. ~ ·Do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself a small gift. Fix a cup of tea and read a book. Listen to your favorite music. Go for a walk. Take a hot bath. Call a friend. Eat a bar of chocolate (this was the number one response to my question, ‘How are you good to yourself’). Watch your favorite movie. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it makes you feel good, take time out and do it. With a little creativity, a lot of thought, and a great deal of perseverance, you can change your attitude and treat yourself as you treat others, assuming you treat others with kindness and respect. Remember, you are unique, incredible, and wonderful and worthy of love, especially from yourself. ~Tina Toler-Keel 27
By Jared Talbert
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WHY DO They Hate Me?
By Jared Talbert
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hroughout my life many troubling questions have followed me around, some still have yet to be answered. One such question has been the source of much of my own misery, and plagues many a person. “Why do they hate me?” Sadly many of us have to ask this question, and we don't receive an answer. But, despite what many of us may think, there is an answer.
W
hen I was younger, I didn't have what some would call an easy childhood. I won't go into detail, but I was kept in my room a lot, and never learned a lot of the social protocol that one picks up during those formative years. As you could imagine, this made friendships and even the most basic social relations strained and difficult. I could feel a tension with every person I met, and every attempt at friendship was an ordeal in itself. It seemed I wasn't welcome despite all my efforts. And at the end of every day I'd ask myself, “Why do they hate me?”
Continued 29
WHY DO They Hate Me? Continued
I tried my best you see. I did everything, and in the face of every ridicule and every humiliation I suffered, I kept kind, internalizing all that pain where it would lead to complications later on. Those middle and high school years, no matter who I tried to make the most basic connections, it more often than not didn't work out at all, or was so short lived it could only be suspect. It was brutal, painful, and left me asking myself, “Why do they hate me?” When I first reached college, it wasn't easier. I went through therapy. I realized a lot about my problems, and took steps to correct them. I thought I had finally fixed my problem, but, as I tried, my success in the social realm was short lived and I was left alone and isolated yet again. Even when I tried to pick myself up and apply my new-found self to making new friendships, I found myself spending many a night by myself. I thought I was over it, but once again I was asking myself, “Why do they hate me?” My story may not be that different from other people's, it could be very different, it doesn't change how hurtful that question is, and how simply thinking can be devastating, and can lead someone to do something drastic. I nearly drove myself mad looking for the answer. I studied biology, psychology, philosophy, even asking family and what little friendships I could cultivate what I could do. It took the combination of all of this information before I could come up with the answer. The truth of the matter is that in life, there are people who are going to hate you. There is little to no reason for it, as any number of things can inspire those feelings of hatred. Be it your scent, the smallest tick in body language, to even holding on to a pre-supposed assumption, any myriad of things that you have no control over, or don't intend to affect someone can cause them to turn on you. People will hate you, and no matter how hard you try, you can't help it. It sounds depressing, but there is another truth that lies within it. There are people who are going to hate you, no matter what, so you shouldn't waste time and energy trying to impress everyone. Spend your time looking for those who truly enjoy you. Those who truly enjoy you for who you really are, those who love and appreciate you for everything about you are far more precious than all of the hatred the world can muster. And you can only find those people if you are true to who you are. We tend to put up a facade, a mask on ourselves around others, hiding aspects of who we are for fear of judgment. When you abandon that veil and live as yourself, your true self, you'll begin to find those people. So the question in your mind should not be, “Why do they hate me?” But rather, “Why should I care?” Live as yourself, and seek those who love you for it, and the pain will go away, you'll have that sense of belonging. Some may still be asking, “How do you know? No one will love me for who I am.” I can assure you, if you've had to ask yourself that, or any of these questions, you are a truly wonderful person, and you need to give yourself a fair chance before the world can. And if you do, I can promise you the world will too.
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Spring. My personal favorite season. New life begins in buds of trees and fresh green grass. Flowers begin budding, and I am renewed. But with the good also comes the bad. For me, that is allergies. I am allergic to fresh cut grass, pollen, and a few other things. Not to mention the fact the changing weather attacks my sinuses, leaving my soul refreshed and body hurting.
“Ouch, My Throat Hurts!” How to Cure a Sore Throat
Many people suffer from allergies and infections during spring. One of the greatest complaints is a sore throat. Instead of running to the doctor for prescription medication, I have taken time to help you out with a list of self-applied, natural, and inexpensive remedies to try first.
·G
argle with salt water. I know, it doesn’t taste great, but it does really help. Mix a half tea spoon of salt in a cup of warm water and swish it around in your mouth, being sure to get it toward the back of your throat without choking. Try to gargle at least a minute if possible. Spit the salt water out, and rinse with fresh warm water.
·D ·A ·T ·U
rink hot tea with lemon and honey. This not only helps with a sore throat, but helps open up stuffy sinuses. And it tastes good.
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dd cinnamon to hot tea, warm milk, or any warm liquid of your choice. Take Vitamin C or Zinc tablets as directed. They may not give immediate relief, but will help over time. ake a steamy hot bath or shower. The steam will help loosen up congestion.
se a humidifier in your room when you sleep if you feel your nose, throat, and skin are dry. The extra humidity well moisten your nasal passages and help your throat feel better. Remember, your nasal passages and your throat are connected!
If your throat is very red with white blisters, please skip the above recommendation and go see a physician. It could be strep throat, and that is nothing to play around with. Also, if you are having any difficulty swallowing due to swelling of the throat, seek medical attention. If the breathing difficulty is accompanied by any blueness of the lips or fingertips, or if you are wheezing severely, seek medical attention immediately. Above all, get as much rest as possible and drink plenty of fluids, especially apple or raspberry juice, orange juice (if you can stand the acid on your throat), and most importantly, water. Keep hydrated and well rested, and with the right care you will be free from that pesky sore throat that accompanies allergies.
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Interview with Cheryl Rainfield T
Tina Toler-Keel
W
hen most kids are out having fun, being silly, and getting into trouble, author Cheryl Rainfield dealt with ritual abuse and self-harm. Her younger years were like many in the aspect they provided years of memories, only the memories aren’t comforting, they are nightmares. Although she is healing and has become an absolutely amazing author and phenomenal lady, the scars left behind rear their ugly head and she still battles her inner demons. Instead of allowing her past to control her and make her into a bitter, mean person, Cheryl has used her pain to give comfort, understanding, and hope to others who have their own demons. When writing the book (an absolute must read!), she pulled the pain from deep inside her, let it flow out of her veins and onto paper. In the book, issues such as molestation, fear, judgment toward gays, and self-harm are brought out of hiding and into the open. The book has been a subject of controversy, but Cheryl stood her ground, fighting for the right young adults have to read, understand, and learn about important issues that are faced. It is her belief, and mine, these issues can no longer be swept under the rug, hidden, and ignored, but need to be brought into light and faced.
Tina , Jessica and Emily, discussing SCARS
In her second book, , she took a slightly different route. The book is a young adult fantasy book, which I admit is not my favorite genre, but honestly the book blew me away! The story line consists of a young girl, Caitlyn, who is a paranormal, living in a world comprised of paranormal haters. Caitlyn and her mother had been on the run since her father was murdered and her brother went missing. She was always the new girl who never fit in, the one who could not make friends because she knew she would only leave. My own children have been moved around a great deal, and I have listened often to their tales of being the new kid. This book will touch anyone who has moved somewhere new, or knows a new kid at school. But beyond that lies much deeper topics. Oppression, hatred, racism, gay bashing and judgment, and learning to trust others, as well as yourself, run throughout the veins of the book. Once again, Cheryl used her past ritual Eric Toler reading HUNTED abuse as a catapult for the emotions Caitlyn and others dealt with during the book. It is impossible to read Cheryl’s books and not be changed for the better. Whether you leave with a deeper understanding of the world around you, the feelings friends and enemies may face, or a deeper understanding of yourself, Cheryl’s books will leave a lasting imprint. Today, I am honored to be interviewing my hero, my inspiration, and my friend, Cheryl Rainfield. 33
Interview with Cheryl Rainfield Continued
Cheryl, it is so nice of you to agree to speak with me about such important topics. Let’s start with the fun stuff before delving into the deeper. When did you begin writing and why is it so important to you? I started writing as a child as soon as I could print, though I was writing characters and worlds in my head even before that, to help me escape the abuse and torture I was living. But I didn’t get serious about writing novels and trying to get published until I was in my twenties. My abusers repeatedly told me that they’d kill me if I talked, and I saw them murder other children, so I knew that they could kill me. So I was too scared to talk aloud to most people about anything; when I talked, I either barely spoke above a whisper, or spoke so fast people couldn’t understand me. But writing didn’t seem like talking to me—it wasn’t talking aloud—so I felt safe writing. Writing (and art) became my voice, my safe way of speaking. I found that I could say things through writing that I was afraid to say aloud, and that I could tap into things I’d forgotten or that I didn’t listen. It’s so important to me to help make a positive, healing difference in this world—to be the opposite of my abusers. Writing books that break silences and that deal with issues that need to be talked about is my way of doing that. How did the idea for the books Scars and Hunted come about? For both SCARS and HUNTED, I drew on my own life and trauma experience to write them. Like Kendra in SCARS, I’m a sexual abuse survivor, I used self-harm to cope, and I’m queer. And like Caitlyn in HUNTED, I’ve been tortured, had my life threatened, and decided to be who I really am even though it meant I was tortured more for it. And like both the characters in my books, I’m emotionally strong, I try to face things even when they scare me, and I try to help others. For SCARS, I wanted people who’d been through the same or similar experiences to know that they’re not alone, and that there’s hope—things can get better. And I wanted people who hadn’t been abused or used self-harm or weren’t queer to have more compassion for the rest of us. For HUNTED, I wanted to show the way that cults and oppression can hurt us all, and I wanted to help increase the awareness that cults do exist in our society. I put queer characters in all my books, whether they’re the main characters or secondary characters; I think it’s important that we have positive reflections of ourselves in books and media.
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Self-Portrait does as a teen by Cheryl Rainfield. This was the inspiration for the art in Scars.
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Interview with Cheryl Rainfield Continued
Cheryl with Her baby, Petal
What is the most important thing you want readers to take away from your work? I want readers to know that no matter how bad it feels, how much pain you’re in, it can get better, there is hope, healing can happen, and there are good people out there. And that you can find happiness. The scarred arm on the cover of Scars is your own arm. Was it a difficult decision to use your own scars from self-abuse? No, it wasn’t difficult; I was delighted when my publisher was willing to use a photo of my arm. I’m very open about my self-harm and the abuse I’ve been through, and I put so much of myself and my trauma experience into SCARS. It just felt right. As a survivor, you pour your heart and soul out to others instead of hiding in pain. For that, you are truly an inspiration. On your website, www.cherylrainfield.com, you have links for important sites and information ranging from help for writers to reasons not to self-harm. What do you think kept you from being so angry and bitter about your past that you didn’t care about others but encouraged you to reach out and help those who suffer? Thank you, Tina. (smiling at you) I think it’s a combination of who I am inside, the choices I made, and the extremity of what I went through. When I was a child being abused and tortured, I decided that I would never be like them—so full of hatred, so inhumane and disconnected from humanity. I tried to be the opposite of who they were, even while they abused me. I also naturally had a lot of compassion, and because of that and because I couldn’t completely shut down my emotion, my vulnerability, and my deep pain, I was very aware of the pain of the other kids who were being tortured with me. I saw how much they hurt, I knew what it felt like, how bad it was. And I saw other kids (and adults) be murdered. They didn’t want to die, and their terror and pain felt overwhelming. I tried to save them, many times (even though I was tortured more for it), because I couldn’t bear their pain, their terror, and I couldn’t bear them getting killed. And I knew, too, that it could have been me being murdered (though sometimes I wished it was). I couldn’t understand how anyone could do what my abusers were doing. It wasn’t right and didn’t feel right on any level. I don’t think the torture alone made me have more compassion; I saw other children tortured with me who became just like our torturers—but for me, the torture and abuse I experienced and the murder I witnessed enhanced or increased my compassion, my need to help others, and my pain. Continued 36
Interview with Cheryl Rainfield Continued Artwork by Cheryl Rainfield II think I also have hope. Hope that things can get better. I’ve seen some increased awareness of sexual and ritual abuse over the years, and I’ve also seen some increased acceptance of queer people, and both those things have helped me keep hold of my hope. I used anything I could to hope— books with kind people in them (I didn’t know any growing up), movies where people helped others, comic books where heroes saved others. I dreamed and longed for that—to be saved—but in the end I had to save myself. Still, I had some good people help me at different times in my life, and that, too, increased my hope. Now I have a lot of good people in my life! How long did you self-abuse? I used self harm for many, many years. I started when I was about 13, when the memories of the abuse first started coming back, and I was still using self-harm to cope in my late twenties. I also had occasional relapses after I’d stopped when things got really, really rough. When and how did it occur to you to say, “Enough is enough. I am quitting. This is dangerous?” It took a long time for me to get to that place. A huge part of that was through therapy, and having safe, unconditional love, having someone else care about what I did to my body and the way I risked my life. Even telling me that I was risking my life (though I didn’t believe it at first, but they were right). And part of it was that I started to become more present in my body (so it hurt even more), and I started to want to live more (so I became more aware that I could die). Another thing that was key for me in stopping self-harm was that I had to learn to love myself. That was hard to do, because I’d been taught to hate myself by my abusers. Letting go of some of their lies and teachings helped—but I had to have safe love and support to do that. Do you still have moments when you think, “If I could just cut, I would feel better?” If so, how do you avoid going back to your old ways? Yes, when things get really rough again, I have flashes of wanting to cut. What helps me stop is thinking of the people I really love, and how it would hurt them. I also wrote out a list for myself and for others--Reasons Not To Hurt Yourself (http://cherylrainfield.com/blog/index.php/2011/05/06/reasons-not-to-hurt-yourself/ )—that I use to try to remind myself when it gets bad. But I also have had more positive experiences in my life, now, that I can hold on to and remind myself—and actually believe—that it will get better again. It also helps that I’m safe now, that I’m not being abused any more, and that I have people who love me.
Many of us do not understand ritual abuse or the dangers of cults. I know this is a very difficult subject for you to discuss, so please answer only what you are comfortable speaking about.
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Interview with Cheryl Rainfield Continued How did your family become involved in Cults and what were their views on the ritual abuse? Did they ever think, “Hey, this isn’t right?” Ritual abuse is passed down through generations. I know for sure that my grandparents and great-grandparents were cult involved, because I remember them abusing/torturing me, so it makes sense that they abused and tortured my parents the same way. Mind control and torture is a big part of ritual abuse—they work hard at keeping victims silent, loyal, and later abusers themselves. It takes a strong, good emotional core and a lot of determination to break free. I don’t think a lot of people do. My parents certainly never made that choice. We have often read how difficult and often impossible it is to get away from that lifestyle. How were you able to escape? It took me a long, long time, and many attempts. I tried at first through telling in the ways I could (as a child), but that didn’t work. As a teen, I ran away (to a shelter; I didn’t think I could survive on the streets). I thought that would get me safe, but my abusers found me, and continued abusing and torturing me. It took a number of attempts over the years of removing myself from the places I was living and cutting off all contact with all abusers, to get safe. I also really needed the support I got from my friends and therapist. Do you have any contact with your family now? No, I don’t. I don’t think it’s safe for me to—but I also don’t want to. What they did is too horrific for me to want to. It’s like asking a concentration camp survivor if they have contact with the Nazis who held them captive. (And Nazis are one of the cults my parents belonged to.) Have you forgiven them? No. I don’t know how anyone can forgive repeated, ongoing torture, child porn, child prostitution, the murder of other children, and so much more. It is too horrific and inhumane, and it was done too deliberately and intentionally, for power and money. While writing the books Scars and Hunted you delved into your own feelings. Looking back, was this cathartic or did it send you into a deep depression? It didn’t feel cathartic at the time—I was in too much pain while writing SCARS, and with HUNTED it meant I was bringing up some issues again—but I think it still served as a release and an outlet. It was always a way to get my voice heard, so once the books were published, and then again when the reader letters started pouring in, it felt incredibly healing for me—one of the most healing experiences in my life. I know you still struggle with relapses of depression and anxiety, especially around your birthday. Many of our readers also battle deep emotional issues and depression. Are there any words of encouragement you would like to share with them? If you can, get help. A good therapist can make such a positive, healing difference and help you feel a lot better, faster. Seek out people who make you feel good and who you can trust. Get support where you can. If you suffer from depression, there are some good, natural supplements that can make a huge difference, including omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil), and for me also coral calcium. It’s finding what works for you. Some people also use medication. Ongoing trauma actually changes the brain chemistry and can create problems with depression and low serotonin levels. Finding something that helps change that around can help. Things may be hard, but they can get SO much better. Try to hold on to hope. Find things that make you feel better— specific books, music, movies, pictures, YouTube videos—and turn to them (and to your friends) when things are hard. Believe in yourself. Treat yourself gently. Love yourself . You matter!
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Interview with Cheryl Rainfield Continued
In your own wise words, without fear of what anyone else may say, you state that you are queer. How old were you when you came out and what reaction did you receive? I was around 14 or 15 when I came out. I had a lot of positive responses because I found local queer and feminist communities. But I also experienced some real homophobia at times—people asking if my girlfriend was my sister or my social worker; and even a bus driver yelling at my girlfriend and me that he’d stop the bus and we’d have to get off if we didn’t stop what we were doing. All we were doing was resting our heads on each other—hers on my shoulder, my head on top of hers. Do you think being gay has had negative or positive effects on your life? If so, how? I think being queer (and feminist) has had a very positive impact on my life. I know firsthand and on a deep level not to judge people for who they are or who they love. I’m more aware of other forms of oppression (though the abuse has also taught me that). I know that love is precious, and I know that I don’t want to be around people who judge me for it. I choose people as friends who accept and like me for all of who I am, and I’m richer for it. What advice would you give to a young adult who is afraid to come out and let anyone know he or she is gay? Find other queer and queer-positive people—it helps so much to know you’re not alone, and to have support, encouragement, and good feeling (even celebration!). If you can’t find anyone in person, look online. There are a lot of groups and organizations that support us, and you may also find chat groups. Check out Pride Day in your area, and see if your local community center has a lesbian/gay section. Read LGBT/queer books; there are a lot of good ones that can help you feel less alone, and happier about who you are, knowing it’s okay and good and right. If you live in a really homophobic area, consider moving when you get older. See if your school has a straight-gay alliance, and check it out; you may find real allies there, and people who understand what you’re going through. Check out PFlag—they’re a group of awesome, supportive parents who have lesbian/gay/bi kids. You may find support there. You may also find some materials there that can help you with coming out. There are many guides to coming out, such as http://issuu.com/humanrightscampaign/ docs/comingout_resourceguide Read them and see what works for you. Try telling just one friend who you trust and love, and seeing what their reaction is. You may be pleasantly surprised. If and when you come out is your decision—though I hope you will. I think we’re so much happier if we accept and love who we are, and don’t have to hide it. But that’s my personal opinion. What advice would you like to give anyone who is being judged either by him or her self or others for being gay? The same as above. And think about the kind of people you want to be around, or the kind of person you want to be. I don’t want to be around people who are so judgmental or hate-filled that they’re homophobic, and their opinion doesn’t matter to me the way someone I respect or care about does. I love and value compassion, kindness, and real caring.
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Interview with Cheryl Rainfield Continued You made an “It Gets Better” video. What has been the reaction and feedback regarding the video? Do you feel the campaign is helping teens understand that it really can and does get better? The reactions have been really good. Some teens and adults have told me that it inspires them. I even had one teen tell me that it stopped him from killing himself. I think it helps to know that someone else has been where you’ve been, and that it got better for them (so it can get better for you, too). Sometimes I wonder if telling our youth that it does get better may be a little pompous and incorrect. For many, it doesn’t get better. They may always face pain and may never heal, because they haven’t been taught how to change their lives for the better, what course of action to take, or how to move on. Do you think this is a fair assumption? Hm. I don’t agree with you on that. I think that it does get better for most of us when we’re adults, when we’re not in the contained environment of school and rules where it’s easy for bullies and homophobia to run rampant. Yes, there are still bullies and homophobic people or just jerks that we can meet as adults, but we have so many more choices and resources available to us. I think it can be easier to seek out and find community and good people. I think for most queer people things are hugely better as adults than they were as teens. *Editors note: I love that Cheryl was totally honest without worry about disagreeing with me. I do believe the videos are making a difference, and I hope that all of you realize that we aren’t just saying that. You will have to make a stand, move to a better, more accepting community, reach out, etc, but you’re life is just starting. There are so many wonderful things in store for you in the future. Do not judge your future by the narrowness of your life now.* Thank you so much, Cheryl, for not only taking the time to speak with me, but for giving so much to our young adults. Your honesty and openness is inspirational. It has truly been my honor talking with you.
Thank you so much for your incredibly thoughtful questions! For more information on Cheryl Rainfield, please visit www.cherylrainfield.com To download How To Stop Self-Harming by Cheryl Rainfield, please visit http://www.cherylrainfield.com/freebies/how-to-stop-self-harm.pdf To download Alternatives to Self-Harm by Cheryl Rainfield, please visit http:// www.cherylrainfield.com/freebies/alternatives-to-self-harm.pdf
You can find Hunted and SCARS at your local bookstore or online at Amazon.com
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Artwork by Cheryl Rainfield
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Stay Strong By Jessica Toler I bow my head and Tears roll down my face Although they continue to laugh Behind my back. People tell me, “Ignore Them, or just be nice, that really rubs it In their faces.” But that seems nearly impossible to me. I love the arts, and hate sports. Many people Disagree and that makes them laugh at me. Many songs about holding on Help me through the days. For me, I think of how I’ll Be a success, and they’ll stay in the Same small town anyways. Staying strong may be Wrong. Maybe I should just Give in. But that seems like A waste of opportunity to me. So on the outside, I smile Even if on the inside I cry. My biggest goal is
To never make them seem strong. So I hide my pain like they never bother me. 42
Failing College; A true story from An Insider’s View
She failed her first semester. Is her life over? NO! And neither is yours. Failure doesn’t mean the end. It means try again. Read about her experience and changes she is making. 43
Failing C O L L E G E
When I was a senior in high school, there was a lot of pressure on me to pick a good college. I wanted to go to Wingate University, and even got accepted there. But the tuition was too high for my family to afford, so I looked for a cheaper option. I don’t remember how I decided on UNCP or why I decided to apply there, but I’m glad I did. In May of 2011, I received a voicemail that informed me of my acceptance to UNCP. I was absolutely overjoyed. I had somewhere to go in the fall. I was able to get out of my small town and begin a journey that would shape me into the adult me. I began imagining all sorts of things in my head about what my life would be like at UNCP. I imagined I would go to classes, hang out with friends, find someone to date, explore the town, join clubs and activities, be in a school play, and all sorts of other things. In my head, I spent all of my time wisely, bringing home high B’s and A’s. I was going to be an amazing student, I was going to make my family proud of me, and I was going to be a great role model for my younger siblings and cousins. Fast-forward to late November 2011. I was almost finished with my first semester of college. I was almost halfway through being a freshman. I was also drowning in assignments and papers and bad grades. I had dug myself into a hole so deep that, by the time I realized what had happened, I didn’t know how to even begin getting out. I was scared, but I didn’t know who to turn to. I was lying to my parents and telling them that I was doing okay in some classes, but not so great in others. It was the understatement of the year. By the time the semester ended and I got my final grades back, I had a G.P.A. of 1.36, which was lower than the 1.5 required to be able to stay enrolled
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Failing C O L L E G E
in the school. I was placed on Academic Suspension, which meant that there was a good chance I wouldn’t be able to come back in the spring.
What have I done?
Throughout all of this, I felt a lot of things. I was angry at myself for letting myself fall through the cracks; I was upset because there was a very good chance I wasn’t coming back. I felt scared at the possibility of not coming back. But more than anything, I felt very helpless. I felt like a failure. I felt lost. I didn’t know which way was up, and which way was down. I cried myself to sleep most nights, and I had nightmares for almost a month straight. I now refer to this time as the Dark Days. A large part of what kept me sane was my boyfriend. He reassured me every chance he got that he thought no less of me. I began to believe what my boyfriend and my mother were telling me: that I was not a failure, that I just made a mistake.
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Failing C O L L E G E
I started to think about what really made me fail my first semester. After a lot of soul searching, I realized. There were a lot of family troubles, and I was constantly worrying about that. Even when I wasn’t at home, I thought about how my family was doing. Even though I spent most of my time at school, my troubles at home still affected me. I fell into a depression. I had no motivation to do anything. I had no will to go to class or to do homework. Even classes that I enjoyed very much, such as religion, I didn’t complete homework simply because I could not make myself do it. I also had a goal that I did not feel in my heart that I wanted to reach. My intended major was nursing, but I realized I didn’t want to be a nurse. I wanted to teach high school English. I was able to apply for an appeal to my suspension. I did, and they accepted. I told them how I had family troubles, and I told them about my depression. I told them that I planned to make a lot of changes: I was going to go to class, I was going to study, I was going to go to counseling and I was going to get help for my depression and my anxiety. They accepted my appeal, I signed a contract, and I was able to come back to UNCP, this time on Academic Probation. It is almost time for midterms in the spring semester, and I’m not scared to see my grades. I have made the necessary changes. I see a mentor every week, and we work on my study skills. I have a better sense of who I am and what I plan to achieve by the end of my college career. I’m still with my boyfriend, and our relationship is going strong. I feel like I am where I belong.
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Failing C O L L E G E
Throughout this whole process, one quote really stuck out in my mind: “All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” Walt Disney said this, and whenever I think about how I performed last semester, I think about this quote. Going on Academic Suspension was the best thing that could have happened. It got me out of the rut I was in and it motivated me to do better than I ever have. I want to extend a piece of advice to anyone reading this. If you’re in school, don’t do what I did. If you’re having a hard time, get help before you look up and realize you’ve dug yourself in a hole you can’t get out of. Don’t follow my example. But if you do slip up, don’t give up. You can turn it around if you really want to, and if you have the will to. No matter your age, your education, your social status, your race, your sexual orientation, your reputation, etc: never give up. Emily M. Toler
Author Emily M. Toler is ready to make changes! 47
Party Time Dangers By Jonathan C. Strickland
Drug abuse is very common
When used correctly, these med-
in all age groups, but is grow-
ications help patients suffering
ing more and more common
from severe pain, but when used
for young adults.
improperly, they become heroine. In fact, Oxycodin is often referred
In fact, 47% of high school
to as “A poor man’s heroine.� The
and college students have
pills are typically crushed, chewed,
used marijuana, and in one
or snorted in an effort to achieve
year alone, the number of
the best high. Not only
nonmedical Oxycontin users
is abusing prescription medication
increased by almost
illegal, it is highly dangerous.
200,000. The use and abuse of drugs comes in all forms, from Marijuana, to crack/cocaine and/or meth, and becoming more and more popular among young adults is prescription medication such as pain relievers like Oxycodin. 48
continued Many drugs like marijuana, LSD, and crack/cocaine not only affect the nervous system, but alter the mind, perception on reality, and exert various senses that could cause serious issues. Prescription medications also affect the nervous system, but also filter through the body, which has a particular tolerance for each drug, thus making the addiction even stronger. In the past 5 years, I’ve had friends overdose on prescription meds and illegal street drugs, some arrested, in and out of rehabilitation, and lose jobs and family. In 2011 alone, one friend was admitted into ICU for several days and another died of a heroin overdose. Had he known the dangers of abusing drugs, his death could have easily been prevented. I have also had personal issues with drugs. I smoked marijuana heavily, which was linked to my acute anxiety and panic disorder that I’ve dealt with over the past few years. I also abused my prescription medications. I, along with my friends at the time, made it a daily routine to abuse the meds, until I eventually reached the point where I realized that I had a serious problem and only I could change it. Stopping the abuse was a difficult road, but it was also one that has made me stronger and healthier. It is definitely worth the withdrawals, the loss of friends (Who probably weren’t real friends to begin with), and everything else associated with coming clean. Once that kind of addiction takes over, one must realize that only he/she can make the decision to better their lifer , and take the necessary steps to do so. I, like many others, have lost friends and family to drug abuse, and in my opinion, it’s a serious issue in this country that many overlook until it’s too late. Think about it. Do you want to be another number in the statistics of alcohol or drug related deaths? Do you want your family and friends to grief over your loss? Do you want to miss out on what can be a great future? There is much to gain from stopping or avoiding the addiction and much to lose if you get caught up in it. I’ve heard others say, “That won’t happen to me.” Well, guess what? It happened to them. They will never have another chance to hug their mother, see their newborn child, laugh, smile, or even cry. They will never see another sunset or sunrise. They will never dance in the rain. Their life is over. Saying, “It won’t happen to me,” is being frivolous and callous with life. 49
Like drug abuse, alcohol abuse is also a very serious issue among young adults. As I was a college student for a couple of years at a University, I saw just how intense alcohol can be used and abused on a regular basis among people of my general age group. Alcohol affects the nervous system also, altering perception of almost all senses. It’s filtered through the liver, which over time can cause cirrhosis of the liver, leading to permanent liver damage, or even alcohol poisoning of the liver. I’ve also had experiences, personally, with alcohol abuse. I spent a good part of two years drinking with friends almost every night, and eventually got the point where I would drink alone every night in my on-campus suite. It became a serious issue, especially when I began combining alcohol with my medications. And as if driving accidents weren’t common enough, you also have many drunken driving accidents on a regular basis. Many people are injured and even killed each year due to alcohol-related car accidents, and that’s something that can be avoided. Driving under the influence heavily increases the odds of a driving accident. No one, regardless of being over or under the legal limit, is completely safe to drive after consuming alcohol. Like many others, I’ve seen first-hand the effects of these sorts of accidents can have on friends and families. In essence, these are two very common problems among young adults. Almost everyone can probably say that they have a first-hand account of what drug and alcohol abuse can do to themselves or others. They are both overlooked, glamorized by the media in forms of songs, movies, and television shows, and are two big issues that can easily be avoided with further education on drugs and alcohol. If these issues don’t improve, I genuinely fear for the well-being of the people of my generation.
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What A Horrible Terrible Rotten Day By Emily M. Toler 51
HORRIBLE DAY
Continued
The other day I had a really bad day. It was one of those days where everything went wrong. First of all, my dear mother, whom I love very much, texted me at 7 in the morning, “Good morning Sunshine!! I hope you have a great day! I love you.” The text alert woke me up, a whole two hours before I had to actually be awake. I don’t know about everyone else, but I really like to have my sleep. I quickly typed back a reply and, although I was frustrated, I fell asleep. I slept through my alarm, waking up at 9:15. I usually leave my room at that time to go to class so I had to rush to get ready and leave. I was running a few minutes late, but I figured I’d be able to get to class right on time, since I usually arrive 10 minutes early. When I got to the ground floor of my building, I realized that it was raining outside and I wore shoes that were definitely going to get soaking wet. I didn’t have time to change into shoes that were better suited for the weather, so I trudged to my History class in the rain, accidentally stepping in a few puddles. By the time I got to class, I was cold, soaked, tired, and irritated. I sat down, anticipating another day of note taking. The class dragged on for forever, although it was only an hour and fifteen minutes. I went back to my room and took off my wet clothes, hoping to wear something more dry and warm. As I was getting dressed, my phone went off yet again – another text message from my mom. This one, instead of the chipper one she had sent earlier, was asking me about a pregnancy test. Last time I was home, my mom asked me if I was pregnant. I told her I didn’t think so, but there was always a slight possibility. We ended up arguing about it for a few days and eventually, she asked me to buy a pregnancy test next time I went to the store. In the days that followed, none of my friends had to go to the store, so I never had the chance to pick up one, since we went in groups. My mother, however, didn’t seem to realize and she kept pestering me about it. By the time I got the text about the pregnancy test, I was already feeling pretty crappy. Reading that text just made me more irritated at the world, and my bad day was officially born.
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HORRIBLE DAY Continued At lunch, I was telling my friends about my bad day. Just as I was talking about how irritated I was with everything, my sandwich fell apart! I threw it down and promptly decided I wasn’t hungry anymore, even though I was actually starving. After my lunch, I went to my room and got my stuff for psychology and went to my boyfriend’s room to hang out with him before I had class. Sitting in his room, I realized that I had a huge headache and I was really tired. I climbed on his bed to go to sleep for a few minutes, but I found myself staring at the ceiling while he played World of Warcraft. When it was time to go to psychology, I dragged myself out of his bed and I got ready to go, even though I certainly didn’t want to. While walking to class, I stepped in yet another puddle. Once I got into the room, I sat down, cold, wet, with headache, yet relieved that it was my last class of the day. My relief quickly turned into disbelief when my professor walked in and handed us our quiz. I had forgotten that we were going to have a quiz! As I was handed my copy, all I could think about was how I forgot to study. I started answering questions, and I realized that I actually knew some of the answers. I turned in my paper and suffered through the remainder of class. As soon as my teacher dismissed us, I trudged back to my boyfriend’s room. I could finally relax! By the end of the day, my bad mood had turned around. Turns out all I needed to do was to stop worrying about everything that was going wrong and focus on the good things, like the fact that I wasn’t late for history and I actually understood some things on the quiz. If you’re having a bad day, you can turn it around by sitting down, closing your eyes, taking deep breaths, and focusing on the good things. Try smiling at a stranger, or holding the door open for somebody. Or just take a minute to close your eyes and know the day won’t last forever. Doing these things, you can put yourself in a better mood and make your bad day good.
STOP BUGGIN’ ME, MOTHER!
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Inside View Of Bullying By: Caron Briggs
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Inside View of Bullying continued
Bullying is something that everyone hears about lately, yet very few realize the extent of how harmful bullying truly is. Unfortunately for us all, one cannot recognize the harm and hurt caused by bullying unless affected by it him or herself. As someone who has experienced bullying throughout her life, I hope to provide some insight into the matter. Many may be saying in your mind, “I have never been a bully. I don’t see why anyone would voluntarily be cruel to someone.”
VERBAL BULLYING: Using words to hurt another person, To gain power, or to harass another person.
The truth is that many of us are bullies every day. You may not be pushing people down on the playground, or taking someone else’s personal items, but you are doing much worse. How? Every day of our life we hurt someone with our words. Whether it be intentional or not, it happens, and it is far more cruel than a playground prank. Not to down upon any physical act of bullying, as they are extremely hurtful and detrimental to anyone affected, but words hurt in the way of psychological bullying.
PHYSICAL BULLYING: Includes hitting, punching, pushing, Shoving, or any physical act that is used to hurt Or demean another person.
CYBER BULLYING: Using words or threats behind the Protection of the internet and social media sties As as Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, instant Messaging, etc. Even when done “Indirectly” Such as writing a status without mentioning Names yet is obvious one is referring to, is Bullying.,
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Inside View of Bullying Psychological bullying is often overlooked, or viewed as less important simply because its effects aren’t immediately noticeable. However, that is what makes it worse, as it sits in wait as a preverbal time bomb in the back of one’s mind. The effects of psychological bullying may last a lifetime, unlike a cut or bruise that will eventually heal. Words have been identified as powerful as any weapon for centuries as displayed by Edward BulwerLytton with the famous phrase, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” Conversely, spoken words can be just as powerful. We often don’t think before we speak, which leads us to often ignore the pain in someone’s eyes over our hurtful words. An example of how hurtful words can be would be my own personal story of my years in elementary and middle school. I was small, skinny, with a mess of curly blonde hair and a shy disposition. I wasn’t very talkative or athletic, and preferred to sit and take in the world and used drawing or reading as my pastimes. This in itself made me slightly socially awkward as most kids that age prefer running and jumping and yelling to their heart’s content. Yet, matters only got worse as I also had a speech impediment that caused me to have a lisp on my “s” and “th” and nearly forget my “r” altogether. As anyone who has been subject to bullying knows these minor differences from the social dynamic are more than enough to earn you a bully. In elementary I had a particularly harsh one, a girl my own age who enjoyed snatching books and copying my manner of speaking so others could ridicule. However the true psychological bullying didn’t begin until well into middle school, where childish playground pranks grew into harsh words. In middle school, everyone is trying to get his or her bearings of who he or she is and unfortunately, to do that many trample upon others. By this point in my life I had realized that my strange pastimes had given me a talent of answering questions in class, and drawing any thought in my head. Unfortunately, answering these questions soon got me the reputation of the “know it all”, and all the drawing caused me to spend even more time by myself in my own little world, branding me as a “freak”. It soon got to the point where whatever question I answered, I got answered back with the hurtful whispers of my classmates. Whether it was on my knowledge, or my still present speech impediment didn’t matter, I was still discouraged to answer any other questions from that point on. I became even quieter, and began fading into the background. It was only when I began to embrace the words being whispered about me that I found strength to talk again, and with that strength began making friends. It was those friends that became the background of who I am today; the person confident enough to address the issue and pain dealt with bullying. Not everyone has the strength and resilience to accept what is said to or about him or her. Many people who are bullied are still stuck in their shells. Because of this, a conscious effort has to be made in order to help those affected by bullying, since they can’t help themselves. Words are painful, and long lasting, so the greatest impact one can make towards preventing or lessening the amount of bullying in this world is to watch what he or she says, and think before he or she adds another scar to a person who may have one too many. I say this as someone who may have never grew into the person I am today, and as someone who still has lingering insecurities due to the bullying in my younger years: Watch what you say, before it becomes the words someone else can’t ever forget. 56
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Coming Out, A Personal Decision What will they say? Will they still love me? Will I be an outcast? This is who I am, they should accept me, but will they?
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Coming Out A Personal Decision By Eric B. Toler
Coming out. So often we seem to overlook the idea of it, especially those of us who have been out for a long time. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know that I hardly ever think about how difficult it can be to come out for so many young adults. I’ve been here for many of my friends through their problems, and I’ve given them advice. I’ve helped them gain the courage to come out to their parents, and I’ve been there for them when it turned out for the worse. But I never really stop to consider how hard the act of coming out is. For some, it’s as simple as looking at your parents and saying, “I’m gay” and it being over with. For others, their parents find out through someone else, or through catching them with someone of the same sex. And for most, it’s much more complicated. Sometimes it seems as though there is no hope when you come out. I know a few people whose parents reacted in awful ways when they came out. Maybe their parents threw a fit, kicked their child out, told their child it’s just a phase, or blamed themselves. It seems like a distant fear, like something we can’t imagine happening to us. But the reality of it is, a large number of young adults who come out to their parents are treated poorly for it. According to Youth Pride, Inc, 50% of LGBT youth reported parental rejection because of their sexual orientation. 26% of LGBT youth are forced to leave home because of conflicts with their families over their sexual orientation. It’s scary. It’s so frightening to think that parents are kicking their children out because of who they are. And that makes it all the more frightening to come out, especially for those who don’t know how their parents will react to them coming out. The reality is, you can’t stay in the closet forever. At some time, you have to come out. It’s terrifying, especially when you don’t know how your family, friends, peers, or anyone around you will respond. However, when you don’t come out, the only one truly suffering is you. You’re forced to bottle up who you are inside. You won’t be able to talk about it. That hurts more than anything. Also, you aren’t being true to yourself. You aren’t allowing yourself to be who you are freely. After I came out, I felt so relieved. I didn’t have to hide who I was anymore. I was able to be completely open about how I felt because nobody would be surprised or unknowing. However, I’m lucky already. My parents were totally accepting and my sexual orientation didn’t bother them. It’s so sad that not everyone is able to say that.
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Coming Out A Personal Decision It will be like a huge weight being lifted off of your shoulders when you come out. Since your family will already know, you won’t have to keep it a secret anymore, which is a very nice feeling. You will be free to be you. You will be fully able to express your feelings about who you are, and who you’re attracted to. Your self-esteem will be raised because you will finally be able to feel like you’re being who you were meant to be. It’s truly a liberating feeling. Although it may turn out badly, I advise you to come out, at least to your friends. It’s very comforting having someone to talk to about things. Like I said, the lack of a secret to keep will be a great relief and you will feel better all-around. However, this does not go for those of you who will be treated with violence or isolation! If you think your parents won’t handle your coming out very well (and I mean they’ll abuse you—emotionally or physically), I suggest not telling them. I know it may seem like the right thing to do, but your emotional and physical health and safety need to come first. Coming out at last is great, but we have to face that, at least for now, it’s not a possibility for everyone. Consider your situation and decide whether or not coming out will be best for you. For some it may not be, while for others it may. It’s all about you personally. Stay true to yourself, but be honest with yourself as well. If you need help or advice coming out and want to talk to one of the staffers here at It’s Who I Am, you can email helpline@itswhoiam.org. If you would like to talk to me personally, I am here and open to everyone for anything. My email is eric@itswhoiam.org. Remember that you’re a beautiful person and there are so many people who will be there for you. If you don’t think that there is anyone in your life who will be there for you, that’s what we here at It’s Who I Am are for! Don’t be afraid to talk to us—we want more than anything to help. 60
Brianna Wood Rachel.bwood@yahoo.com
CODY COMBS Ydoc3181@yahoo.com
https://sites.google.com/site/calmofthetidephotography/
FACEBOOK www.facebook.com/calmofthetide 61
Saying Good-Bye
Author Tina Toler-Keel with her grandmother Yvonne Duncan. This was Shortly before Mrs. Duncan’s death.
Tina Toler-Keel
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Saying Good-Bye Continued
Good-bye. A word we take for granted each day. We say it in many different ways. “See ya later,” we tell friends before heading to class, or “Bye,” we tell parents when leaving the house. Even small babies learn Bye-Bye as one of their first words. But, what happens when the good-bye doesn’t mean, “See you soon?” but means forever? We’ve all been there, whether we are saying good-bye to an ending friendship, good-bye to a love that broke our hearts, or good-bye to a loved one who has passed away. How do we find the strength to say good-bye? It isn’t easy, that’s for sure. It isn’t something we want to do, nor is it something we are prepared to do, no matter how long we’ve known the parting was coming. It hurts, and it hurts bad! We feel as if our heart is being torn into a million jagged pieces and will never heal again. Sometimes the good-bye is quick. We get into a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend, break up, and walk away, or have a family member or friend die suddenly in an accident. Sometimes, however, the good-bye is long and drawn out, such as telling a family member who has cancer good-bye. Those facing the quick good-bye believe having more time would have been better, while those dealing with long ones believe if the good-bye happened suddenly, it would be easier. Neither is better or easier. They both hurt.
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There are seven stages of grieving,
Saying Good-Bye
and even the ending of a friendship
Continu ed
causes grief. The steps may come at different times, you may flip flop back and forth between the stages, and some may last longer than others. Just know, what you feel is normal and do not feel guilty for your feelings, even feelings of anger toward the person. The first step is denial. You may feel the good-bye didn’t happen, pretend it didn’t, or put it in the back of your mind. Often, especially in the case of death, this is a necessary coping mechanism. The shock shakes you up, causes you
deep pain, and denying the loss may keep you going, especially at first. The next step may be pain and guilt. As we all know and I have stated previously, good-byes hurt. Pain is to be expected. The pain may be tolerable or it may be debilitating, depending on your state of mind and your connection with the person you lost. Guilt comes right along with the pain. You may feel guilty because you lived and the other person didn’t. Or you may feel guilty because you had a big fight shortly before the good-bye. Maybe you don’t believe you were worthy of the person’s love. Everyone’s guilt is similar in the aspect we all feel it, but what we feel guilty of is an individual experience. Following behind guilt is anger and bargaining. You may be mad at God, or the higher power you believe in. You may be angry at yourself for loving too much, or you may even be mad at the person you lost. No matter what caused your loss, this is normal. Once you get angry, you may start bargaining with God or your higher power. “Please, if you just let this all be a mistake, I will never {insert your choice here}. Just please let this not have happened.” Although bargaining will not change circumstances, it will more than likely cross your thoughts. Continued
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Saying Good-Bye Continued One of the stages that follows is depression. This is different than clinical depression in that the depression has a trigger, such as the lost person’s birthday, a holiday, or the grieving period in general. Also, one of the major symptoms of clinical depression is the length of the depression and losing the will to live. If you have symptoms of major depression that is more than normal sadness, you may need to see your doctor. Along with depression comes loneliness, especially if you were close to the person you lost. Whether it is the loss of a best friend you always sat with at lunch, the person you dated who always called right before bed but now doesn’t, or the loss of a grandmother you spent weekends with, you feel lonely. Although it hurts and is a horrible feeling, it is normal, and will slowly get better, so hang in there and know others are out there who love you. The next to last stage is the upward turn. This is when you start smiling and laughing more without feeling guilty, you remember the person with happiness, even if a little sadness still exists, and you learn to start moving on. Perhaps you finally go to a movie and enjoy yourself without thinking of the person, or maybe you go to school and make it through without falling apart. This does not mean you are forgetting the person, or that you are healed and cured, but it does mean you are taking steps to getting through it. The last stage is reconstruction. When you begin this phase, you are able to start really living again. No matter what stage you are in or how long it has been, the person you lost will always hold a place in your heart. Don’t worry that by moving on and learning to enjoy life you are forgetting the person or letting memories go. My grandmother passed away one year ago. We were extremely close and I felt her loss strongly. I skipped some stages, such as bargaining, but other stages seemed to last forever; however, I am finally in the reconstruction phase and moving on. Trust me, just because I am loving my life, enjoying my children and my work, and am basically happy, does not mean I have forgotten her. I never will forget, but I will continue to live, and I will continue to love her. And no matter how much your loss hurts now or how badly you feel, you will learn to remember, and learn to live once again as well. When saying good-bye it is important to take your time and allow yourself to grieve. Accept your pain, work through it, and then, when you are ready, truly move on. Do not let others tell you when it’s time to stop grieving. You will know for yourself. Everyone’s grieving period is different, just as we are all different. Hang in there, and know, you will survive. Stay strong. 65
It’s Jared How Depression Warps Your View Of the World
“W
hy can't you just be happy?” It was a sincere question directed at me, one that was quite irksome from it's ignorance. I simply didn't respond to it, because it wasn't worth my time trying to explain it, as I doubt they'd understand. I had lived with this for years now, and it has taught me something key in the way we all view the world around us. We hear about depression and anxiety all the time, but hardly any of us realize how it really affects those who have it. The main thing that comes to mind is just sadness and fear, but we do not realize that is far more than lingering sadness, it warps one's perception. The entire world around them, from the grandest view and the smallest details, anything and everything can be changed, to something more sinister. Continued Next Page 66
It’s Jared Continued How am I so familiar with this subject? For years I have suffered from Major Depression Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I've been through therapy, and have studied these conditions. One thing people fail to realize is that conditions such as these are primarily genetic, underlying our entire persona and aggravated by the factors in our life. I began to take medication, and I felt relatively normal for the first time in my life. I felt like things were going to be good in the future.
SIGNS OF DEPRESSION Extreme Tiredness
A few weeks ago, I had to switch to another medication, as my current one was getting too costly. Unfortunately for me, this new medication didn't work for me, and my conditions began to return. It was a sudden enough transition that I was able to actually see my view on the world change. The sunlight actually became harsher to me. The smallest inconvenience or foulup would send me spiraling downward into a terrible darkness, where I would lie in my bed motionless for hours, not seeing a point in doing anything. I was just how I used to be before my treatments, only I could recognize this as abnormal behavior now. The thing about depression and anxiety is that they are self sustaining monsters. They change the way we look at the world, a small act of kindness becomes suspect behavior. A tiny coincidence becomes a conspiracy, and someone taking too long to respond to a text message means they secretly hate you. These conditions warp your mind, and put thoughts like this in your head, and there's not a whole lot of helping it. And because you can't help it, and only are clear enough to realize you mistakes in retrospect, you feel even worse than before, and you end up feeding the monsters.
Insomnia Change in Eating Habits Distorted View of World Lack of Interest in Things You Love Feeling “Blue” longer than A Few Days
If you are depressed, Seek Help!
In time, these conditions will make you feel worthless, and you may begin to hate yourself. They did to me. But, what you have to realize is that this isn't reality. Odds are, you're a fantastic, unique, and lovely individual, but something beyond your control makes you incapable of seeing that. It is because of that deceptive perception that so many people end up hurting or mutilating themselves, or far worse. These are people in a constant pain. So, to those of you who have asked, “Why can't you just be happy?” now you know. This isn't just sadness, it's something far worse that a lot of people suffer through. If you know someone who does have depression or anxiety issues, implore them to get some help, and remember that kindness goes a long way. And if you are currently suffering through it yourself, get help. Whatever reasons your mind may throw up, you can't get through this alone. But if you simply try, it gets better, I know from experience.
Jared Talbert, Columnist
Jared Talbert is a writer of all sorts. He grew up having a very rough childhood. As a result of that upbringing, he has suffered through years of depression, trauma, and anxiety. He has faced many hardships in his life, but always manages to come through stronger. He once viewed himself as useless, but is now realizing his full value and potential. His hope is that by using his experiences and wisdom, he can help others realize the value in their selves as well.
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COFFEE WITH FRANK A short story by Tina Toler-Keel
S
he sees him coming around the corner and freezes. With her books held tightly against her chest, she prays she is not caught staring. She tells herself to turn around and walk away, but his ice blue eyes hypnotize her, freezing her against her puke green locker. Continued 68
Continued
It was only a few short years ago they were best friends, but it feels to her like it was a lifetime ago. They were different people then. Just two young kids with a shared interest in digging in the dirt and finding earth worms. Things changed, slowly at first, then a whirlwind of hormones mixed with different interest swirled them into different worlds. Instead of being best friends, walking hand in hand, they were now strangers. She longed for him. Longed for what once was and will never be again. A silent grin crossed over her lips as she remembered him wearing boxer swim trunks with cartoon characters splatter all over them. Back then, he would flash a toothless grin her way before picking her up and throwing her in the frigid river. Even while she flung her arms wildly, screamed hatred toward him, and vowed she would never speak to him again, she loved him for giving her attention. Lord knew she needed it. At home, she was right smack in the middle. Her two older sisters never gave her the time of day as they shopped for new school clothes, went on dates, and laughed with friends. Her two younger brothers were too young to care one way or another about her, sharing their indifference with her parents who were worn out and tired from keeping up with three year old rambunctious twins. Because her sisters were in high school, her parents kept them well dressed. She was in her last year of elementary school and her parents never considered that maybe clothes mattered to her. She was given whatever her sisters had left over from years before. She never complained though. Not even when the girls at school laughed at her too big t-shirts and too tight jeans. Not even when everyone picked on her for oversized shoes that sported holes in the toes. She wanted to, but her heart kept her silenced. Her parents had enough stress worrying about money, sending a daughter to college next year, and illnesses such as chicken pox and three bouts of strep throat in a six month period. Frank was the only one who understood. The only one she could talk to. He was, after all, her best friend. She closed her eyes, trying to remember when it all changed and why. Memories flashed through her mind, quickly and unevenly, making no sense at all. One minute they were playing in a mud puddle together, the next, not even speaking in the hall way.
continued 69
COFFEE WITH FRANK continued “Hey, Sarah.” She jumped, dropping her books and papers on the floor. Old test papers, all marked with a bright red A+, two unused homework passes, and a flyer for the new book club littered the ground like a fresh covering of snow. “Hey, Frank.” He laughed at her wide open eyes and gaping mouth, but inside, he knew he was a real loser. So what if he had been beaten up by little league football players and picked on by the prettiest of the cheerleaders just for being her friend. He should have never turned against her. So, how are things going?” She swallowed hard. Her heart raced. Pristine white papers were suddenly marked with sweaty palm marks, smearing the red writing she was so proud of. “Um, okay I guess. How about you?” “Good. Really good. Marc’s coming home next week.” “Really? That’s great. How long has it been since you have seen him?” “Not since he was sent overseas eighteen months ago. I can’t wait ‘til he’s back. Damn, I’ve missed him.” “I bet.” She didn’t know what else to say. Frank’s brother, Marc, enlisted in the Army the day before he found out his girlfriend was pregnant. Their parents hated her and threw a fit when they found out they were still dating. Even though he was nineteen, they had forbidden him from seeing a girl from the wrong side of town. Knowing he couldn’t live under their rules, he joined the service, looking for a world of his own. He found it. Just not the world he had hoped for. Instead of the tropical palm trees and crystal clear ocean he dreamed of, he lived in the trenches of a war zone. The stars he imagined were replaced with streams of light from bombs. He was glad he was serving his country, but he lived in constant fear he would never see his small, newborn son. She stared in Frank’s eyes. Sure, years had passed and they didn’t even know one another, but deep down, she saw the Frank she once knew. “Um, listen, I know this is weird, but, well, um, would you like to go to Mona’s Café with me tomorrow? Maybe get some coffee? Do you even drink coffee? If not, you can get hot chocolate or something.” She giggled like the girl he remembered. “I drink coffee.” “Is that a yes?” “Yeah. I’ll meet you there at three?” “Okay. See ya tomorrow,” he said, turning to walk away and running straight into the lockers. She laughed. He blushed. “Um, see ya,” he finally managed to mutter. …TO BE CONTINUED In next edition
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Feature Reader Always wanted to be featured in a magazine? Here’s your chance. We will be featuring on a full page one lucky reader. If you are interested, please send us an email stating your interest, what you like best about the magazine, how you heard about us, and a short bio, including interesting things about you. If you are willing, also let us know if you face any problems that we are helping with, or that you would like us to address. Send all information to editor@itswhoiam.org Also, please send us a picture. If you are selected, we will notify you via email, so be sure and add your email address on your email *I know the address is in the address bar of email, but I often print or save the file and may miss it*, and Twitter or Facebook info if applicable. We look forward to hearing from you. *CONTRIBUTORS ARE NOT ELIGIBLE! Sorry guys!*
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Photographs 9, 11, 13, 14, 49
Cody Combs
Miranda Griffin
9, 11, 13 12, 33, 48, 50, 62
Larry Keel
22, 25
Emily Toler
9, 13, 18, 25, 28,32, 51, 66
Eric Toler
7, 8, 9, 10, 20, 23, 26, 27, 29, 33, 43, 46, 47
Tina Toler-Keel Breanna Walston
57
Brianna Wood
9, 11, 13
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