The Culture of Muslim Marriage

What do you look for in a spouse? Men quote like-mindedness and compatibility, whereas women are often looking for love or financial stability. Families try and search for the ‘best of the best’ for their sons—for instance, where I come from [Pakistan], a typical mother is notorious for seeking out a ‘doctor bahu (daughter-in-law) who can whip up gol rotis (round flat bread)’ implying the best of both worlds: an accomplished career woman and a housewife. Is anyone else reminded of Mr. Darcy’s idea of an accomplished woman [Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen]? Of course, everyone naturally wants someone pleasing to the eyes. All of that is very well, none discouraged, none too problematic, as long as the individuals to be married and their families are compatible.

Then there are the “unspeakables”—individuals “haram” even to consider if we were to heed the voice of society alone: individuals not married past a certain age, the divorced, and the widowed. Perhaps the most stigmatized of them all is considering a single parent because how could we even dare fathom raising someone else’s children! Especially if any of these individuals are women, the stigma is far worse. Society shuns these women to the point that it might feel impossible for them not to virtually see “damaged goods” stamped across their foreheads every time they look in the mirror!

What, then, of religion? Yes, most people consider religion as non-negotiable, along with a strong preference for a similar culture and/or language. Ask yourself this though—are you looking to appease your family, or to please Allah SWT? The uncomfortable truth is that not many of us actively prioritize righteousness in a spouse [although that does somewhat depend on how religiously oriented a person is in themselves], and few of us are able to look past worldly factors to prioritize it in a potential life partner. It is here that a reminder from the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet SAW is in order.

The Prophet SAW said: “A woman is married for four things, i.e. her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be (of) the losers” [Sahih alBukhari 5090]. The lesson here is twofold: while we are clearly encouraged to prioritize religiosity, one is still allowed to look at other factors. In other words, going back to where we began, one may pursue beauty, like-mindedness, financial stability and other aforementioned factors in a potential spouse, but not at the expense of religiosity. Ultimately, Allah SWT leaves it up to us to exercise our better judgement.

Allah SWT leaves us with powerful examples to learn from. The paramount example is the marriage of the Prophet SAW to Khadijah RA. The mother of all believers, Khadijah RA was then called Tahira (the pure one) by the people of Makkah, and subsequently blessed with countless honours and titles. Allah SWT personally sent her Salam (greetings) through Jibrael AS and gave her glad tidings of a palace in Paradise [Sahih Muslim 2432]. The Prophet SAW recognized her as the best of the women of her time, one of the four best women of Paradise, and his dearest wife, so much so that Aisha RA felt understandably jealous of Khadijah RA years after the latter had passed away [Sahih al-Bukhari 6004]!

What is less remembered is that Khadijah RA was fifteen years senior (three years according to one tradition) to the Prophet SAW, previously married twice, had three children prior to her marriage to the Prophet SAW, and was the one to first express interest in him [Great Women of Islam by Mahmood Ahmad Ghadanfar]! Subhan’Allah! Khadijah RA recognized the Prophet’s SAW character, honesty, integrity, the way he dealt with traders and his reputation as sadiq (truthful) and amin (trustworthy) that compelled her to want to turn the business relationship into a personal one. The Prophet SAW, on the other hand, a youth of barely 25 at the time, paid no heed to the age difference or her prior marital status and instead, considered her excellent character alone.

Does this mean that one must be blind to other factors? The marriage of Zainab bint Jahsh RA to Zaid bin Harith RA is another pertinent reminder. Zainab RA had belonged to the noblest and wealthiest of families in Makkah. Zaid RA had been a slave, freed and subsequently adopted as a son by the Prophet SAW. Due to the wide class/status difference between them, they were both opposed to the union but respected the Prophet’s SAW recommendation when he proposed it. Despite both being of the most beloved companions RA of the Prophet SAW, the two were not able to maintain the marriage due to incompatibility. Thereafter, Allah SWT instructed the Prophet SAW to marry Zainab RA, to abolish the Arab custom of conflating an adopted son to a biological one (Quran 33:37). How wise are the decisions of Allah SWT!

There are countless lessons to be learned from the marriages of the Prophet SAW and his companions beyond the scope of this piece. However, I hope the two examples above serve as another reminder of how beautifully balanced our religion is. We are reminded to prioritize piety in a spouse, but NOT in the absence of other factors that determine compatibility because indeed, the Prophet SAW relayed, “of the halal (allowed) acts, divorce is the least liked by Allah” [Sunan Ibn Majah 2018]. Hence, first and foremost we must aspire to submit to the will of Allah SWT, part of which is selecting a righteous spouse to nourish our relationship with Him. Second, is to look at factors that dictate compatibility to facilitate a lasting union.

It is imperative here to touch upon the forgotten Sunnah of the Prophet SAW of marriage to the widowed and divorced. Allah SWT says “And marry those among you that are single (Al-Ayama)” (24:32). The term Al-Ayama refers to a person who is single, regardless of whether they were previously married or never married at all. Yet, contemporary Muslims heavily stigmatize women as well as men who have been previously married. Remember dear readers, none of us know what Allah SWT has written for us, nor where our lives will lead us. Where is the motivation to provide shelter to a widow? Why are we not racing to the reward for raising an orphan? Let us strive to return to our roots, follow the Sunnah on a societal level and attempt to remove these false marriage stigmas. Islam encourages community—we do not leave anyone of the Ummah of our beloved Prophet SAW behind.