Finding Hope, Peace, and Tranquility: The Journey of one Soul back to Islam

Erub Khan & Shefaly Gunjal

At what moment in life do we question our existence? At what stage do we contemplate our purpose? Where do we look for answers? When do we realize that the answers we seek lie before our very eyes? These were the questions that lead Stephanie* to Islam.

Stephanie was raised in a family where religion was more of a custom than anything deeper. Growing up, religious practices were seldom questioned, with no clarification as to why they were in place, which often left her feeling lost. She spoke to me about her struggles with anxiety and stress throughout her undergrad at UTM, common among almost half of the students at the University of Toronto, according to a 2018 report. Looking back, it became clear to her that she didn’t have a guiding path or a larger purpose. Nonetheless, despite being unable to see it in the thick of it, by Allah’s Will, everything that happened to her eventually lead her to Islam.

Stephanie was born in Montréal and moved around the world until she eventually came to Toronto ten years later at 17. Living in Europe for most of her life, Stephanie was hardly exposed to Islam or Muslims until she came to Toronto and was surrounded by diverse cultures. While she had sound ideals and values, it was hard for her to stay consistent in her belief system because she didn’t really have one – her beliefs were not rooted in the strong foundation that Islam provides.

How did your family react to your conversion?

Growing up, her parents were taught about a lot of the religious conflict in India and that translated into a dislike of Islam. This was further perpetrated by the influences of the media. “That really takes a hold on people who are already uneasy about the idea of this religion, and to have a media outlet confirm that [is] all it takes,” she says, speaking to the struggles of born Muslims and reverts alike. Nonetheless, Stephanie considers herself one of the lucky reverts whose parents still support her despite being unable to accept her conversion to Islam.

How did you come to Islam? What was your journey like?

She recalls how, upon arriving in Toronto, most of the friends she made happened to be Muslim. She learned a lot about the culture, language, and customs, many of which were rooted in Islamic principles.

These were the foundations for an interest that began to blossom at 20-years-old in a Halal restaurant she worked at over the summer, when she began her third year at UTM. It was at this time where she started actively learning about Islam. “I kind of had the feeling that one day I was going to convert. I always thought it was going to be when I was financially independent. I didn’t want to cause any problems with my parents,” she says, voicing what is often a concern for converts and anyone choosing a life away from their parents’ values. “I didn’t want to take that risk.”

This feeling of interest in Islam only increased during Ramadan: “It was really beautiful to see the culture of Ramadan and to see everyone praying together just before eating iftar.” She recalls feeling a sense of belonging in the Muslim community, something she had never felt before.

By Allah’s will, Stephanie also benefited from an important factor in her journey: reliable resources. By spending time with friends who had a lot of knowledge of Islam, and were on journey of learning themselves, she was able to ask questions whenever she wanted, and to feel comfortable doing so. The journey towards faith, however, wasn’t entirely conscious: “It wasn’t with the intention of ‘Oh, I’m going to convert’. It was just learning.”

The moment that would effectively mark her departure out of her old life and into Islam, she tells it, came i on one of those rare warm days of winter. She mentions scrolling through her phone and seeing an Islamic reminder. The post triggered a noticeable switch in her heart. Her belief in Allah was undeniable after this switch, “To someone who’s never felt faith before, I didn’t even know what that feeling was. [T]here was this void in my heart that was [suddenly] completely filled with belief and love for Allah. I knew then that I believe in Allah.”

What exactly did you believe in at that time? That there’s something greater than what we enclose ourselves to or that there’s a greater purpose or that life doesn’t just end here? What force made you believe?

Stephanie believes it was more about what she was missing, the idea of being created with a purpose, that brought her to the religion. Her previous life operated on a scientific belief that this world and our existence is purely coincidental, and that humankind was insignificant in the grand scheme of things. She remembers justifying this belief in logic, but now sees that it held her back and made her feel like she had no purpose. A purpose that she kept looking for in different places, but never really found. “There was always something missing,” she tells me.

You weren’t driven with ambition towards different goals? Some people have goals to make a lot of money or have a successful career.

She rejects this, saying that for her, it wasn’t so much about specific material goals, instead it was about wanting to become the kind of person she could be proud to be. She wanted to have the ability to help others and to help the planet. Her outlook in life denied her the capacity to reach her full potential to achieve these goals. “Things like self-doubt and anxiety always held me back,” she says, explaining that her outlook at the time was largely hopeless and nihilistic, in the timeless vein of: “What’s the point of doing anything if we’re all going to die anyways?’”

Faith changed everything. She says that in her newfound belief, “I had Allah guiding me. I didn’t have to worry about coming up with all these rules for myself that a human isn’t capable of making – we don’t have knowledge of Allah’s Plan.” She experienced first-hand how going out in the world without a solidified foundation of belief, values, and morals makes it easy to lose sight of yourself.

Islam became, for Stephanie, a compass: “If I had any question about how to deal with this issue, I could read about it in the Qur’an. I could learn about it from the Sunnah. I had the most perfect example to follow – that of our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him).” Everything she learned about Islam, to this day, makes sense to her, giving her a comfort that she had never felt before.

The change in her outlook is radical, and for the better. Unlike the nihilism and pessimism of before, she states, “I can be confident about the way I do things and why I do things. It is all for the sake of Allah.”

Three year later, and now in grad school, Stephanie continues to learn about Islam to strengthen her faith. When asked what she would advise anyone struggling with school, work or just life in general, she says, “The more stressed you are, the more you need to stick to your prayers, to Islam. Trust that Allah will always provide a way for you and He will never burden you with more than you can bear.” To those who are interested in learning about Islam: “Talk to people but take everything with a grain of salt. Know who you can trust and never be afraid to ask difficult questions – Islam has an answer for everything, it is just a matter of opening your mind and your heart.”