HOPING

I hope that when I’m gone you’ll still see God’s goodness. Still see His love for you. Still find joy in each day.

AMY NAPPA

JOURNAL ENTRY, JULY 8, 2016

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.

PSALM 27:13 – 14 nasb

A MESSAGE TO MY FRIENDS : Hello, Loved Ones. Here’s my Top Five for today:

1. I’ve been applying for jobs and even had one interview this month. Everything was going well until they asked why I was interested in making a change. I had practiced answering that question because I knew it was coming. I intended to say, “I’m looking to make a fresh start after losing my wife to cancer.” Instead, I started crying uncontrollably, right in the middle of the conference room. I didn’t get the job.

2. I dream of Amy every night, have dreamed of her every single night for the past 135 days. I used to wake up crying afterward, but now I actually look forward to seeing her in my sleep. It’s the only time I feel just a little bit of peace. I think that when I have that first night when I don’t dream of her, it will probably mean I am finally starting to heal. I’d like that. But until then, I’ll just keep looking for her in my dreams.

3. Yes, I’ve tried going back to write that novel I started when Amy was alive. She begged me to complete it before she died, but I just couldn’t do it. And no, I haven’t been able to even open that folder on my computer since she passed away. It just seems pointless to write a story she’ll never read. I’m thankful that my publisher is very patient. They tell me that they think I’ll feel differently in the future and that I am worth the wait. Yes, they are kinder than necessary.

4. Despite my obvious, constant depression, I do want you to know that I am trying to move forward. I know that, were Amy here, she’d be running out of patience with me and my fixation on grief. So I’m trying. It’s just hard without her to help me. I got so used to depending on her wisdom (“Honey, what do