5 minute read
Rosie Rivera: “God Accepted Me at My Worst”
Rosie Rivera
GOD ACCEPTED ME AT MY WORST
by Abigail Nibblett
Editor’s note: this piece discusses sexual abuse, rape, suicide, and suicidal ideation.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please contact The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255), or message the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
Each program provides free, confi dential support 24/7.
AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER, MANY OF US have thought, If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t like me, or, You’ll never love me. I’ve done too many bad things. We direct these thoughts to other people. Sometimes, we even direct them at God. Rosie Rivera believed these things about herself. Her belief led to a fateful night on the streets of Los Angeles, where she nearly lost her life—until God and her loving family pulled her back from the brink. Rosie grew up in a tight-knit home, fi lled to the brim with love. But when she was eight years old, Rosie began to be sexually abused by an uncle. She didn’t understand what was happening to her until a fi fth grade sex ed class, and she left school that day horrifi ed. The next time her uncle came to her, Rosie defi antly told him no—and he threatened to kill Rosie’s sister, Jenni. “He took away my voice,” Rosie says. “I became quiet, isolated, confused, angry. I took this all on my own. I thought I had to save my sister’s life, and I had to save everyone else’s heart from being so hurt.” Soon Rosie discovered she wasn’t as alone in her suff ering as she thought. Then thirteen, she discovered her niece was being abused as well. The girls made a pact to protect each other, but they were careful not to let the word spread about what was going on. They were afraid Rosie’s brothers would kill their abuser, and they didn’t want to tear the family apart. Three years later, Rosie fi nally decided to tell her family what was going on, and they believed her immediately—though it wouldn’t be the end of her struggles. “We made a police report, and they did everything they could to heal me with counseling and
Rosie's family during her childhood
being on my side. But I got lost in depression and drugs and alcohol, just trying to numb the pain that I still didn’t understand.” For years, Rosie had been quietly dealing with self-loathing all by herself. And slowly, she began to transfer those feelings to God. “Sexual abuse confuses you as to who you are and who God is. I thought that if God knew all the dirt that I had inside me from the sexual abuse—I had an abortion at sixteen, all the drinking and the promiscuity—He would reject me. So I stayed away from Him. I thought, Just don't let Him know who you are.” The pile of things that Rosie wanted to shield from God grew when she became suicidal for the third time in her life at only twenty-fi ve years old. Finding herself in a physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive relationship, one night Rosie was in a hotel room with her partner when he raped her and threw her out at two in the morning. Clothed only in a T-shirt and desperate for help, Rosie ran to the front desk, but the man working mistook her for a prostitute. “When he called me that, I believed him,” she says. “I took that label, and I put it on my forehead as if it were true.”
Rosie decided the world, her family, and even her two-year-old daughter would be better off without her. Washing down too many pills with too much alcohol, Rosie wandered into the streets of Los Angeles, ready to die. She didn’t anticipate that her brothers would go out to look for her. “When they found me, I couldn’t speak. I was freezing. My brother Juan told me, ‘Please don’t ever do this again. I love you so much. I don’t want to lose you.’” Finally safe, Rosie called her mom and asked what time church was the next morning. She was ready to confront what she had been running from for so long. “I told God I was a mess. I still smelled like alcohol. I was at the front of the altar crying my eyes out, letting Jesus know everything that He already knew: that I didn’t want to live anymore without Him.” In the fourteen years since that night, Rosie has discovered there is nothing you could ever do to make God stop loving you. Wholeness in God has propped up Rosie in some hard days since—including a divorce and the loss of her beloved sister, Jenni. But it’s also been her foundation as she walked through some of her proudest achievements: becoming a sexual assault advocate, earning the CEO title of Jenni Rivera Enterprises, and landing a spot as a co-host of top Spanish morning shows Despierta America and Un Nuevo Dia. “By the grace of Christ, I have a reason to smile,” says Rosie. “I know now more than ever I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
You can fi nd Rosie’s newest book, God Is Your Defender, at your favorite book retailer today.
Adapted for print from the Jesus Calling Podcast. Put your phone in Camera mode and hover over this code to hear more of Rosie’s story!
When I feel at a loss for words, when I don’t know how to express all the emotions rumbling in my chest, this is the devotional I open up. Now it’s a part of my daily time with Jesus. I immediately walk into His presence and rest. This is the devotional we all need. @@ Rosie
