The Secret to Parenting Your Adult Children—Dr. Jim Burns

The Secret to Parenting Adult Children by Dr. Jim Burns

(hint: keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out )

Parents who have adult children are living out an important lesson: they’re relearning how to parent. I oftentimes say to other parents, “You’re fi red as a day-today parent.” Now your role moves from adult-child to adult-adult, and it doesn’t happen in one day. I still have opinions about my daughters, who are 30, 31, and 34—but sometimes I just have to hold my mouth shut. Here’s what I’ve learned about doing life well with your adult children in this new season.

Unsolicited advice is usually taken as criticism.

My daughter Christy and her

husband Steve, who are incredibly capable people, were moving from California to Texas. It was really stressful, and she and Steve were having a debate on how they were going to do the move. I said, “Hey, can I give you my opinion?” My daughter looks up at me and goes, “Not now, Dad.” And I’m going, Wait a minute. People pay me to give them advice. And you, my daughter, are not asking for it? Later on, she kind of circled back around said, “Hey, what were what were you going to suggest?” And it worked out great. But at that moment, I realized, I just need to bite my tongue. That was so hard to do as a parent.

“You're fi red as a day-to-day parent.

To understand their kids, parents should become students of the culture.

Millennials often have diff erent views than their parents, so it’s really interesting for the parents to engage with someone who has been raised in a very diff erent culture. Parents should keep in mind that Millennials are shaped by technology. They view tolerance as one of the major traits of a loving person. And Millennials are meandering toward responsibility. Once they get married, they’re really serious about their marriages. I say that’s great.

You can support grown children, even when you don't support their values.

This is one of the hardest lessons to learn, and we often try to deal with it through “tough love.” But tough love doesn’t mean you quit talking to your kids. Tough love says you should surround them with love. And while you surround them with love, you don’t bail them out, and you don’t dump your anger and frustration on them. I think the biggest question kids are asking when they’re rebelling is, “Do you still love me?” Somehow, you’ve got to be able to express love, even though you don’t express agreement with them.

Adapted for print from Dr. Burns’ interview on the Jesus Calling Podcast.

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Dr. Burns’ book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children, is available now.