Ask The Expert

Q: Can I Be A Caregiver And Still Have My Own Life?

The answer is yes, no, and sometimes — maybe. Being a caregiver is complex. It depends on many factors, including your personality, past relationship with the person you’re caring for, and the level of care they require. Let’s break it down.

Level of care

The amount and type of care required can vary dramatically. Caring for someone with dementia is vastly different from assisting a person in a wheelchair who has had a stroke. Understanding the current and evolving needs of your loved one is crucial. Most people who require care will need increasing support over time.

When my in-laws moved in with us, they were still independent — driving, attending church, running errands, and cooking. But two and a half years later, neither of them can drive. They need help managing medications, dealing with incontinence, and navigating cognitive challenges. We saw it coming, but even with preparation, we were barely ready.

Relationship dynamics

Your existing relationship with the person you’re caring for matters. If they are your parents, reflect on your childhood experiences. Were they nurturing, difficult, or somewhere in between? Providing care can bring unresolved issues to the surface. Will caregiving strengthen your bond or create tension?

Environment and personal space

Where will caregiving take place? Will they move in with you, or will you move in with them? Beyond logistics, think about how the living space will function. It’s not just about having a bedroom and bathroom for them. It’s about ensuring you have a retreat of your own. Caregiving can consume your time and energy, so creating space for personal relaxation is essential.

If you are caring for them in your home, do you have room for them to be on the first floor? Stairs can become an increasing challenge. Does their bedroom have an attached bathroom? Can you make the bathroom accessible? If caregiving takes place in their home, is it adaptable to their changing needs?

Equally important is maintaining personal interests. Whether it’s watching your favorite medical drama or escaping for a walk outside, you need moments that are yours alone. Caregiving doesn’t have to mean losing yourself completely, but it does require effort to maintain balance.

When living with someone you’re caring for, it’s essential to have your own space to retreat.

Finances

This is always a touchy subject, but money has to be discussed. You will be so relieved later if you address financial issues early.

Unless you’re rolling in dough, you need to plan for the increased costs of caregiving. We didn’t consider how much our electric bill would rise because my in-laws are always cold. The extra expenses add up quickly, so having a financial plan is important.

Support circle

You will need support. I mean it. Please don’t try to do this alone. Read more about Karen’s advice on garnering support on page 46.

Remember, no one can replace you. Others may not do things exactly the way you would, but they are still there to support you and the person you care for. Accept help. When you do, you can sustain your own well-being. That’s important because, once again, no one can replace you.

Karen Stobbe cared for her parents through their Alzheimer’s diagnoses and now educates others as an author, speaker, and the chief purpose officer of In The Moment, a nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting dementia caregivers.

By Karen Stobbe

Today's Transitions / Spring 2025