5 minute read
Caregiver: Sweeten a Caregiver's Day With a Visit
Sweeten a Caregiver's Day With a Visit
Do you know a caregiver? Maybe a neighbor who keeps to themselves? A member of your church who hasn’t been attending because they are nervous about bringing their loved one? A coworker who is struggling? A friend or even a family member?
How about paying them a visit?
Statistics reveal that between 40% and 70% of family caregivers experience symptoms of depression, which can often be caused by feelings of isolation and loneliness associated with the act of caregiving. Throughout COVID, we have heard about the isolation and loneliness of residents in long-term care communities. Yet there is another group of people who often feel alone and depressed: caregivers.
No matter what type of caregiver they are, if they are taking care of someone in their home, their life changed dramatically the minute their caregiving began. I have heard the following statements from many caregivers:
“My friends have stopped asking if I want to join them because I have said I can’t so many times because I have no one to be with my dad.”
“I love my wife and want to be here for her, but I need a break.”
“I’m lonely for someone to have a real conversation with.”
You can help. You can make a difference in someone’s life. I know it may feel awkward, or you might not know what to say or do. But paying a visit will not only be good for the caregiver — giving them a break will make a difference to the person they are caring for, too.
Here are some tips for visiting:
Call and arrange the best time for a visit. Mornings are usually better. But maybe the caregiver wants to sit and visit with you while their loved one is napping in the afternoon.
Walk in with a smile on your face and a good attitude.
Listen. Everyone needs someone to talk to, someone who will listen without judgment. Oh, and don’t share caregiving horror stories with them. (Yes, people do that.) Most of the time they just need someone to listen.
Maybe bring a little treat such as flowers, a book, or coffee cake.
Put your keys and phone away. Turn off the ringer so you are not disturbed. Not looking at your phone also shows the caregiver that they are important to you. You don’t need to check on anything else except them.
Before you leave, set another day and time to come back.
Please never say these phrases to the full-time caregiver: “Wow, your mom doesn’t seem to be as bad as you say.” “Your mom really has Alzheimer’s? She looks good.” It seems like a nice thing to say, but let’s think about it for a moment. What if there was something that caused you a lot of stress and anxiety, and someone said to you, “You know that thing that is breaking your heart? That seems almost unnoticeable to me!”
It’s not a compliment. It just means you haven’t spent enough time in the situation. Also, examine your motivation to say those words. It’s probably coming from a place of nervousness. Dementia is scary, and you feel uncertain about what you are doing. Remember, don’t speak to make yourself feel better: She’s not so bad! She looks normal! Speak to make the caregiver feel better: What can I do that will help you the most?
More ideas on how to help:
Offer to pick up prescriptions or groceries.
Take their loved one out of the house for ice cream, a walk, or a visit to a garden so the caregiver can have a break.
Make a double dinner, like two lasagnas or two casseroles. Keep one and share one. Think of something that can be frozen so they can heat it up when they just can’t do one more thing. You don’t cook? Give them a gift certificate for delivery.
Offer help with their lawn or shoveling snow.
You could bring a puzzle or a craft the care receiver would enjoy and encourage the caregiver to go to a support group.
Walk their dog for them — or stay with their loved one while the caregiver gets out to walk the dog.
Get an oil change for their car. Maybe get it vacuumed and washed too.
If you are a caregiver:
Sometimes when you are feeling overwhelmed and not even sure what you need, it still helps to hear that people want to help. If you respond in an affirmative way, it gives the person offering a way to offer again later and helps them better understand your situation. It is hard for people to feel that they are not intruding into your life too much, and if you don’t answer or answer in the negative, they might feel they cannot offer again. So, here are some things you can say when someone offers to help:
Yes!
Sure.
OK.
Thank you!
I don’t know what I need right now, but can I call you? Will you call me and ask me tomorrow?
It is OK and good to accept help or just let yourself talk to someone. We are not meant to go through this life alone. And when you are caring for someone you love, you also need care. Allow those around you to care for and love you.
Today's Transitions Spring 2024 | By Karen Stobbe
