COMMUNICATION TIPS FOR AMAZING RELATIONSHIPS

Story & Photography Provided by Autumn Rae

The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life, and good relationships require excellent communication.

Try practicing a few of the tips below and watch your relationships transform into the real connections you’ve always craved. Communication is a skill, and just like any other skill, it can be learned.

• ASK FIRST. Most often, we jump into what we want to say without checking in with the other person on whether it’s a good time for them. Here’s what this could sound like: “Hey, there’s something important I want to talk to you about regarding our relationship. Do you have some time and feel ready for that right now, or would something in the next couple days be better?”

• SLOW DOWN. This is the answer to 99% of our communication problems. Most of us genuinely care about the people we are in relationships with and want to do our best. When there is tension, things can get out of control, and it happens fast. Try taking a deep breath between each sentence. You can even say to the other person. “I really care about you and this conversation. Can we slow down?”

• TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT’S IN YOUR CUP. If you’re carrying a cup full of coffee and someone bumps into you, what spills? The coffee, of course. If tea had been in your cup, tea would have spilled, and so on. In relationships or conflict, when someone bumps into us, the only possible response they can get comes from what’s already inside of us. Are you holding anger, judgment and resentment in your cup, or are you filled with compassion, courage and love?

• “THE STORY I’M MAKING UP IS…” This is one of the most powerful ways to start a sentence and take responsibility for your thoughts. Our minds naturally create stories to explain other people’s behavior, whether accurate or not. We need to check these stories with the other person before we react as if they’re true. First, share this concept with them, acknowledging that you know you might be inaccurate, and then say something like, “You were late today, and the story I’m making up is that I’m not a priority to you.” This is a high-level skill that can be triggering even to those who are seasoned in their communication journey. Do your best to apply the other tips in this list while practicing this phrase.

• ARGUE FOR THE OTHER PERSON’S SIDE. This is a mental exercise to gain compassion and help you see the other person’s perspective during conflict. Grab some paper or a computer and start to imagine what it’s like to be them. Write out feelings, hurts, desires and thoughts. You can then share these with the other person, with a sentence that starts like, “I imagine you’re feeling/wanting/needing…Is that right?”

• CLEAN THE WINDOWS. In other words, be radically honest, and do it often - first with yourself, then with the person you’re in a relationship with. It can feel easier to push aside the hurt, pretend everything is fine or ignore what you really wish would happen. However, the more you don’t say, the “dirtier” your relationship windows get. Over time, neither of you will see your relationship clearly, resentments will build and the relationship will break down.

• PAUSE AS NEEDED AND GIVE A TIME WHEN YOU’LL RETURN. It’s OK, and quite skillful, to take a break when you notice a conversation is getting too intense. Rather than stay in it when you’re both not thinking clearly and likely to say things you’ll wish you hadn’t, take a break. It’s important to pick a time when you’ll come back together though. Here’s what this could sound like: “I’m noticing that my emotions are running the show right now. This conversation is important to me, so I want to have my head on straight. I’m going to take a walk to calm down, and I’ll be back in 20 minutes.”

• REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM AND EMOTIONS. It doesn’t matter how many communication skills you learn if you aren’t calm enough to apply those skills in a heated moment. This is a complex rewiring, but some easy ways to start are breath work, mindfulness training, and cuddling with a pet or loved one.

• WORK WITH A COACH. Although we can make progress with self-study and practice, an outside, professional perspective can help us reach our relationship goals faster and with more ease than we ever could on our own. A coach can help us identify our triggers, get clear on our needs, problem-solve specific relationship challenges, provide support in emotional regulation, and develop a framework for creating the relationships and life we want.

• PRIORITIZE SLEEP (DON’T SKIP THIS ONE!). Getting enough quality sleep has serious impacts on our ability to regulate our emotions in conversations. Research shows us that without enough of it, we’re more likely to overreact, misinterpret and say things that we later regret. With a rested brain and body, it’s much easier to consciously choose how we want to respond, rather than jump to an emotionally charged and usually harmful reaction.

About Autumn Rae: Autumn is a trauma-informed life and relationship coach, certified yoga teacher, and degreed educator. She transformed her own life and relationships through a spiritual, self-love pilgrimage extending from Bali to Costa Rica. It is now her soul’s mission to help people master their communication and emotional regulation, and guide them on their path to passionate love, inner peace, and authentic, vibrant living.

Check her out on Instagram @autumnrae.co.