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Contents Forgiveness can be a long road ..................................................................................................................... 2 Game Changers On how to defeat Satan...................................................................................................... 4 How to Respond When Someone Hurts Us .................................................................................................. 6 Our Golden Rules .......................................................................................................................................... 7 Our responsibilities ..................................................................................................................................... 13 The Unveiling of Satan’s Lies & Schemes .................................................................................................... 16
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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Forgiveness can be a long road
The forgiveness I am speaking about is in a human relationship one with another. Also the title is a little play on words. Forgiveness itself is quick Forgiveness is one thing, reconciliation and restoration is another thing altogether different. Forgiveness takes one, reconciliation and restoration take two people working together equally to process and complete. It is the reconciliation and restoration that can be a long road to put back together what was wounded or shattered. I was dating my wife b.c. (before Christ, before being saved) and we had decided that she was going to move in with me. When we had started dating she had asked about my relationship status. I told her I was separated for several years from my ex-wife and that divorce was just a formality. She lived across the state and I had not seen her or spoken to her in years. We had no children together and we had split everything when she moved out. So I called my ex-wife and let her know that I wanted to get a formal divorce and then she told me blah, blah, blah, and next thing you know, she was moving back into my home (she had never lived there). By Monday she was gone again and was going to give me the formal divorce. So I contacted my wife, told her I made a mistake, that I was sorry, etc. etc. etc. It took a little while, she forgave me, then she moved in. I completed my divorce with my ex-wife without incident and then my wife and I got married. We have been married 27 years at the time of this writing. 1. When someone hurts and/or angers us, shames us, etc we tell the offender that I am angry for you having done that, or I am hurt that you did that. 2. The next step is step out of the emotion and then move to consider what is the next logical step. 3. If the next logical step is an apology and the offender does not agree that they should apologize and the conversation comes to a stalemate, then another mature Christian couple or another mature Christian should then help them to walk through the process. 4. Then the reconciliation and restoration process begins. 5. The “offendee” must tell/communicate to the offender what it will take to restore and reconcile the relationship. My wife and I have spent a lot of time restoring a heart connected love relationship. We often teach the concept good, better and best. Our marriage has been in the “best” stats now for 10 years or so. However, there are still times, which something will come up and remind her, and she will say. That really hurt. I renew my apology. Being in the “best” category doesn’t mean that the hurt has been 100% restored. Over the 19 years and 10,000 hours of us coaching/biblically counseling marriages and hundreds and hundreds of couples a common complaint we hear (mostly from men): She hasn’t forgiven me or she is keeping a record of wrongs. She is not obeying God; she is not forgiving me. The mix-up comes with
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
3 equating forgiveness and the restoration of the relationship in that area. The restoration moves at 1% increments. The offender often wants the restoration to happen 100% in 5 minutes. Ok I exaggerated, 1 hour. This is important because Satan often uses this misconception. The “offendee” has not had the relationship restored enough, quickly enough and the offender internalizes that the “offendee” has no forgiveness, she is not respecting me, she is keeping of record of wrongs, etc, etc. God can restore 100% in instantly, often times He leaves consequences; the long time it takes to restore; to train us and to make us more holy. It is also important to note that God calls us to forgive. We do not have reconcile or restore. We do have the right to set our own boundaries in our relationships. We can choose to not reconcile relationships with unhealthy or toxic relationships outside the marriage relationship. Inside the marriage relationship can be quite a bit more complex and is not the subject of this paragraph. Tom and Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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Game Changers On how to defeat Satan
Here are the top 10 game changers that will give you the heart connected relationships that you are hardwired for from birth: 1. Vulnerability is the only way to true heart connection: Being vulnerable means sharing something, letting you know something about me, that’s a risk. It could make me look badly. It might make me look incompetent. In other words it could be a source of shame. True heart connection can only come if God takes away from the enemy all the sources of shame. Heart connected relationships can only come when God has developed in me a viewpoint that what used to cause me shame now is a great part of me. It is the part that connects me to others. To be vulnerable means I have to take risks and ask for what I want, and risk that you will say no. Vulnerability means that I have to share my innermost being and my most intimate thoughts, the real, real, truth of what I think, of what I want to do, of how I feel. 2. My Story vs God’s Story: I have a story I tell myself about my life, my relationship with God, my relationships with others. It often has nothing to do with facts or reality. It is my story. It is my story I tell myself. My story makes me to be a good person, doing the best I can. My story tells me I have no other options than what I have been doing. My life and relationships are as good as it gets for me. The enemy has a lot influence in my story. My story limits me, my story limits God. My story has a major flaw. It’s my paradigm that my life on earth is about my comfort and me getting what I want. The flaw includes thinking like I only ask for reasonable things that makes sense and should always be answered in the affirmative. My story keeps me from being congruent, genuine and authentic. God’s story for me is limitless. God’s story has a lesson for me to have learned from all of life’s events. The lessons that God has given to me give me limitless ability to have a passionate heart connected love relationship with God and others. We are unaware of how much we don’t trust or believe what God says. 3. I’m right you’re wrong, Validate & Invalidate, making assumptions and jumping to conclusions: In my story I know what is right. In my story past experiences dictate the future. In my story hurts, failures, rejection, shame and fear guide my thinking and actions. When I’m right and you’re wrong I don’t come on the same side of table and come along side to team up with you to have victory over the enemy. I bulldoze over your thoughts and I try to prove you wrong and prove myself to be right. In other words I attempt to invalidate your thinking and actions and I attempt to validate or prove correct my own thoughts and actions. This all happens because I jump to conclusions or make assumptions about the other person, their thoughts & motives. What I should be doing is staying in curiosity, I should be asking questions. Asking questions is respectful and it allows for thoughts or trains of thought other than my own set of experiences. 4. Respect: What is important to you is important to me. Your way of thinking is equally as important and valid as my way of thinking. We don’t have to think alike to move forward and be alongside one another on the same side of the table. No one has to change the other’s mind to be alike to move forward. United does not mean uniformity.
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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5. Abstract vs. Concrete: Abstract are things that cannot be measured, seen, touched or felt, like our feelings. Our intentions are also abstract. Concrete are things we can see, touch, feel and measure. Agape love is action. It is fruit and can be measured. God measures fruit in several passages of scripture. In Mt 13:23 He says that the seed that falls on good soil produces fruit 100 times what was sown. 6. Blind Spots: We are unaware of the many blind spots we have. We have eyes and don’t see, ears and don’t hear. Our story, our paradigm keeps us unaware. Many people would change if they could see their lack of fruit. If they could see the pain and anguish caused by their excuses and blame shifting a/k/a calling evil good and good evil. We tell ourselves our story, and why we can’t trust God, or trust others to guide us through our blind spots. 7. How We Call Good Evil and Evil Good: We have become numb, blind and unaware of how we justify and rationalize our behavior and decisions. We call good evil, and evil good. We call evil good because we give the reasons why. We are unware of how much we have lost clarity on what is good and evil. We are unaware how much we believe Satan over God. 8. Supernatural & Natural Capabilities: I try and do things only naturally. I am unaware that God has limitless supernatural power to give me capabilities that I don’t have. Capabilities that I have never had and that I thought I would never have. I am unware of God’s supernatural power so when I do become aware of my lack of capability then I become sad and depressed. I become sad and depressed because I simply can’t do that, or have never been able to do ……… Instead of going to the God that provides, I attempt to do all things in my strength alone. We are unaware of how much we ignore God, spurn Him, and don’t trust Him. 9. Mutually Exclusive Paradigm – Multiple Truths: My eyes only see things from a mutually exclusive paradigm. I am unaware that I view the world from a point of view that tells me if this is true, then that must be untrue. We call sin sin. However we call matters of opinions matters of opinion. We understand that in a healthy adult relationship two people can have completely different points of view without having to one person “bulldoze” over the other person in order to have the same opinion or viewpoint or belief. 10. It’s Not Personal: We take things personally when they are not personal. We think our spouse is doing something on purpose to us when, in reality the spouse is not capable of doing it another way yet or it is the enemy using the other person to get us aggravated. When we take things personally we make the other person the adversary. Our spouses or family are not the adversary. The battle is against Satan. We have a blind spot. We simply don’t see that Satan is at work doing what he does best. The reality is that without the Holy Spirit we are all slaves to our paradigm, life experiences, upbringing and hurts.
Tom and Deborah Fonseca authors of Do You Truly Love Me
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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How to Respond When Someone Hurts Us God wants us to speak the truth in love, to think about whatever is true, whatever is noble, to be completely humble and gentle and bearing with one another. At the same time God tells us that we will be judged for every careless word. So how do we do that? 1. Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. 2. Search your heart and your motive. Are you trying to hurt because you have been hurt? Are you angry and/or frustrated? 3. Think of good, better and best. Get input from brothers and sisters in the group on the best words to say. 4. Be careful not to be careless with our words let's be careful with our words and purpose to use words that express our hearts in the very best way. Let us always keep in mind that we are all fragile. The purpose is not to break, or hurt, or tear down. The purpose should be to be humble and gentle and to bring out the best in each other. 5. Trust in The Lord and do good. 6. Recognize and understand the concept of being "attractive" instead of being "repelling". This concept is talking about our hearts. We want for our heart to attract my spouse's heart. It is not productive when we say or do things that are repelling. When we repel, the other person's heart is repelled away. This produces someone that does not want to be transparent or vulnerable. When we move forward trusting in The Lord always then we can say what is true. Let's remember to think about plenty of truth, let's preface the way we say the thought with other things that are true as well. Let's speak from a place of hope. We know that love always trusts and hopes. When we take our thoughts captive we should purpose to know that we can take our time to talk to others and to know that we choose words, that are good, better, and best. We can be reminded to trust the Lord, and to know that are going to be together for forever and that we will resolve this. Honey I know you love me, and I know you want to be "attractive instead of repelling" however when you said....... or did......... or forgot ........ or did not do ........ I felt .......... betrayed, repelled, lesser than, not good enough, not pretty or handsome enough, not smart enough, etc. Once we have shared our heart in this way, and we have not judged and we have shared our feelings, then there would be no need apologize. Then it would be up to the hearer to "hear" it and respond in a contrite manner and for the hearer to ask the Lord to reveal to them if there is any offensive way in me, and to please lead me in the way everlasting. **** Here are scriptures for reference******** Eph 4:15, Phil 4:8, Eph 4:2-3, Matt 12:36-372 Cor 10:5, Ps 139: 23-24, Ps 37: 2-7, Ps 27: 1314, 2 Cor 7:10-11
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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Our Golden Rules Mt 7:12 Golden Rule (NIV) 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. The “Golden Rule” in context was a mandate from Jesus to only do nice things to others. Jesus wanted us not to hurt others. However, hurt each other a lot is what we do quite often. We say I’m doing the best I can or that it was not my intention. Of course, this does not stop the hurting or at the very least the emotionally pushing away of others. We each have our story, aka our past. It is through the lens of our experience that we form our rules for living. We form rules for pretty much everything. I call these our “Golden Rules”. Our “Golden Rules” can be interchanged with step 2 in what I call “The Unveiling of Satan’s Lies & Schemes”. Step 2 talks about our thoughts and beliefs. Our story, our golden rules are our thoughts and beliefs. Our golden rules are often made with Satan. They are certainly made without the Holy Spirit. Jesus commanded us to love others as we love ourselves. However, when we love ourselves through the lens of behaviorism as behaviorists then we become slaves to our past. When Jesus commanded us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves it must be through the lens of Gal 2:20. “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” The problem comes when we love ourselves without the lens of the cross, without first loving God vertically, then when we love ourselves it is without a love for God the father and without being filled with God the Holy Spirit. The love we have for ourselves is a behaviorist view that is distorted and sinful. “2 Tim 3:2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy.” So, then what we do is love ourselves just like we love ourselves. In a behaviorist way. We listen to his lies and focus our eyes on the schemes of Satan. We listen so much to Satan’s lies that we don’t hear what God wants us to hear. We focus our eyes so much on Satan’s schemes that we don’t see what God wants us to see. Mt 13:13-15 We form thoughts and beliefs that put us on the path to emotions or feelings that are not joy and peace.
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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Joy and peace are the two fruits of the Spirit that are emotions or feelings. In God’s story for our lives he only brings us the perfect people He wants into our lives. The rarely act perfectly, however they are exactly the people and places that God wants in our lives to make us more holy. In God’s story for our lives he is a good, good father. He has responsibilities and He always takes care of them in a perfect way. In His story for our lives the only feelings we should be feeling when present with tasks to do or events in our live are joy and peace. It is then that our responses then would show the rest of the fruits of the Spirit. Love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Gal 5:22-23 When we insert our story or our golden rules in place of God’s story then our thoughts and beliefs move us toward feelings like fear, anger, shame, embarrassment, hurt, withdrawal and many other feelings that lead us to respond in way that is NOT what Jesus would do. Of course the results or fruit of those responses is NOT the fruit of the Spirit.
1. In the context of relationships our golden rules tell us that our past experiences with people are a valuable asset (behaviorism). Those experiences with people become what we believe will happen again. Our golden rules tell us we can tell the future. We are certain of it. We don’t see that as graceless or merciless. 2. Our golden rules tell us we are certain we can read minds. We use our past experiences with people to read the minds of others. We know that we know what that look meant, those words meant, what that action or inaction meant. 3. In our golden rules we partner with Satan to set up ways to protect ourselves from shame. In our version of the golden rules that we make with the enemy, we create a land where we have to always to look good to others. When we don’t look good we respond with fight or flight. 4. Many of our golden rules are based on protecting us from not looking good or shame. Shame in this context would be looking not looking good, being embarrassed, getting “schooled”, unknowledgeable, unprofessional, not the smartest one in the interaction, not smart, foolish, dishonest, ignorant, stupid, inefficient, negligent, inadequate, non-expert, untrained, embarrassed, failure, weak, embarrassed, deficient or bad. 5. In our golden rules we create processes, procedures and plans on how to do things. Our golden rules tell us that we have researched, or we have experience, knowledge and expertise that renders our version of the process as the best and the most efficient way of doing things. We become rigid and inflexible and will defend our processes and plans. We defend, or demand
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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adherence to processes even to the detriment of the relationships we are in. We make people play by our rules. 6. We have set up rules to live by. Created from our past experiences (behaviorism). We mostly create the rules along with Satan (without being filled with the Holy Spirit and without the fruit of the Holy Spirit). The rules we create call evil good and good evil. The rules we setup attempt to take control from God. Our rules we set up want all people to behave by our rules or at the very least our interpretation of the rules. The rules are created with Satan because we have "one and done" rules for things other than infidelity or violence. We have rules that if they are not "one and done" then they are "one and almost done and you will pay for a long time because my rule says I must make you pay dearly for breaking my rules. The rules are from Satan because they are unforgiving, unkind, merciless, graceless, cruel, harsh and uncompassionate. We set up rules based on four false suppositions; my experience/past is my guide because this time will be like the other times, we can tell the future, and we can read minds without error and our way is the only correct way. If the rules were made up with God, they would not be causing problems, they would be bearing the fruit of the Spirit. 7. We often ignore what God’s responsibilities are. God’s responsibilities include the whole earth and everything in it. His responsibilities include bringing the exact right people into my life daily. He allows exactly the perfect situations and people to enter my life daily. God’s responsibilities include changing our spouses, families, children, jobs, health, etc. However, we ignore what are God’s responsibilities and we attempt to take over His responsibilities. We desire to control and manipulate others around us. We do this by attempting to control our external world, the people, places and things around us. 8. The golden rules we set up make it so we are only as happy, content or joyful as the external situations or people’s behavior around us dictate. Our version of the rules tells us that conditional love is correct. Our version of the rules tells us that no mistakes should be made. Our rules do not allow for 5,000 mistakes, or for things to develop, or for capabilities to develop or for an economy of grace. Immediate change is the only sign of repentance. The people around us can NEVER return to old behaviors in our rules. Our rules say that if they return to old behavior then they just are liars, they don’t truly love me or care. 9. We have rules that we don’t have to go to someone’s “land” to minister to them. Our rules tell us that we are always in the right land. Our rules tell us that everyone should come to our land and that our best counsel comes when we talk at people from our land. 10. In our rules if we don’t look out for our best interest nobody else will. In our version of the rules we are completely attached to the outcomes of our conversations about my best interests. After all we are very articulate and precise on how people should behave and talk around us. However, God wants us to behave the opposite. Phil 2:3-4
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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11. Our version of the rules tells us that we must keep our minds sharp and alert by always judging and assessing all events around us so we can protect ourselves and so we tell others how they are doing things incorrectly. 12. Our rules tell us that I am not responsible for other’s feel around me. They just need to change their feelings. They need to just get over it and stop feeling that way. My rules or my behavior or things I say are not the problem, the other person’s reaction is the problem. 13. In our version of the rules all other people need to live by my rules. Even though we have never talked about my rules. All others just need to do the things the right way and the best way and the way I do things is the best way. 14. In our version of the rules people’s awareness needs to be on me. Their awareness needs to be on my feelings and my way of doing things. If they do that, it will work out best for them. 15. Our rules have us being inflexible. Right is right, and there can only be one single right way and all other ways must be wrong or at least not as right as the way I do things. 16. We have rules that we only should move forward and do something that we totally understand, and totally makes sense to use. 17. Our version of the rules tells us that we are not responsible for describing what we are feeling. Our version of the rules is that others should just know. 18. Our golden rules tell us that I can fume, fuss and mope around because you have hurt me or misunderstood me. In our version of the rules it is totally okay to do this until you have completely changed and until you have given an approved of apology. 19. In our version of the rules we see others that don’t think like us and behave like us as broken and they need to be fixed or altered for their own good. 20. Our version of the golden rules tells us that we should not be vulnerable or intimate because the other person will just use it against us like they have in the past. In our version tomorrow is always like yesterday. Our rules say that nobody ever changes. 21. In our version of the rules if I do something for you, or if I change because you asked me, then there needs be some reciprocal giving on your end. That reciprocal change needs to happen pretty soon. In our version of the rules we don’t have to be patient and wait for things to develop. Things should happen very quickly or if that doesn’t happen quickly then I will stop my changing. 22. Our rules tell us that our negative emotions are a good enough place to be. In our rules only the changed behavior of others around us will get us out of the negative emotions. In our rules we give Satan a pass by keeping our eyes on the behaviors of others. In our version of the rules we don’t try and gain new or improved capabilities from the Holy Spirit, we simply sit in our emotions and look to the behavior of others. 23. Golden rules set up with Jesus have us showing the fruit of the Spirit regardless of circumstances or situations. We exhibit joy and peace regardless of people’s behavior. We know that God’s
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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will for us is sanctification. 1 Thess 4:3 We know and believe that His responsibilities are under control and that He sends us the exact perfect people and perfect situations in our lives to complete His plan in our lives. 24. Our responsibilities are to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit in our lives, in the relationships in our lives. In golden rules set up with Jesus we take responsibility for how others feel around us. We don’t dismiss, invalidate, minimize or put ourselves in opposition to their feelings about us or our behavior. This in no way means that we should “water down” our beliefs. We should be able to have deep convictions and at the same time show love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. 25. In an attempt to take responsibility from God we have also set up rules for others to live by. Matthew 7:1-2 (NIV) “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. We judge and assess others, we react to people around us for breaking our golden rules for conduct. We judge, assess and come to conclusions about others and their behavior. We compare their behavior to our judgement matrix which are our golden rules that we have in our heads. Jesus in His boundless grace and mercy does not make us swear an oath of conduct to be adopted into His family. However, in the land of imagination between our ears we imagine that all others in our world have agreed to behave according to our rules. We expect everyone to live out those rules because in our heads, the golden rules we have are right, correct and are just common sense. When others do not obey our rules we get angry, we get upset, we withdraw, we judge, we ridicule, we argue, we get defensive, we attempt to bulldoze over them, we attempt to force our rules upon them without their approval. Our golden rules are often set up with the enemy. Our golden rules are often set up based on protecting us from feeling fear, ridicule, shame, incompetence, inadequate, inept, deficient, unsuitable, unprofessional, ignorant, inefficient or unethical. We judge and assess our surroundings based on the land of imagination between our ears. Our reality becomes the emotions and conclusions based on very little fact. When others break our golden rules we show either “fight or flight”. 26. We have rules that we have to be right and that we have to look good in every situation. 27. We have rules that say that we must be judging and assessing every relationship interaction and then only proceed on how we deem is best. We go by experience. We believe our experience with people is a great asset. We are graceless and faithless because we believe tomorrow will be like today or yesterday. 28. Our rules generally are inflexible. We have hard and fast rules on how to show me honor, respect, recognition, appreciation, dignity, esteem and love. When these rules are broken we have we have no problem withholding love, affection, conversation and sex. Our penalty not only includes the withholding part; it also includes behavior or verbal barrages. We get angry, we get upset, we withdraw, we judge, we ridicule, we argue, we get defensive, we attempt to bulldoze over them, we attempt to force our rules upon them without their approval.
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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29. In our version of the rules what is important to us is the only thing that matters. What is important to others is not at all important to us. In our reality the others around us need to change what is important to them because what is important to us is what should be important to everyone. 30. Our version of the rules tells us that our way of thinking and our belief system has been formulated over many years and with lots of experience therefore it is accurate and above reproach. Our version of the rules tells us that how we think is way the God thinks, Jesus thinks and what the Bible says. Our rules tell us that our way of thinking should be adopted by everyone around us and that comes into contact with us. 31. When people break our rules we say take the “speck out of your eye, when we have a plank.” We say we would never break our rules. We say we never have and never will do to you what you have done to me. We are convinced that even if we did do that, that it would not be our fault, it would be you that caused it. 32. Matthew 7:1-2 (NIV) “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Do not Judge - could be do not criticize, could be do not make assessments and label or this is how people are, or this is how that person is. Jesus says not to judge, He says not to assess and label non-life threatening situations. Why, because we assess and come to conclusions based on our past and experiences. Jesus says not to judge because He knows we are convinced of four things; my experience/past is my guide because this time will be like the other times, we can tell the future, and we can read minds without error and our way is the only correct way. 33. Jesus says not to judge because we are often negative emotion based not fact or fruit based. Jesus knows that we too often stay in the abstract and do not even want to be bothered with the facts or the fruit. When we act out of our negative emotions we tell the future, read minds, and are not basing our emotions on factual info but on the conclusions and assessments we have formed.
Tom and Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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Our responsibilities We are responsible for surrendering to God and cooperating with God and God’s plan. Instead of battling, resisting and condemning God’s plan. We do that by changing our frame of reference on how our past has gone, and how our present is unfolding. The outcome of this lesson would be us having the fruit of the Spirit of joy and peace regardless if nothing changes in our life or even if nobody changes their behavior in our lives. The desired outcome of the lesson below would be disciples that would STOP being only as joyful and peaceful as people’s behavior around them. The desired outcome would be faithful disciples that trust God and are constantly aware of what they are thinking and feeling so they can take their thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. 1. God is responsible for changing the behavior of our spouses, our children and our family. We are responsible for how we make people feel with our words. We must always be aware of how we make people feel from their point of view not ours. If people feel badly from our words the cause is us, NOT them. We can’t say they shouldn’t feel that way. They should be feeling at peace with us. Matthew 12:36 (NIV) 36 But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. 2. We also must take responsibility with how we make others feel with our actions. Others should be feeling peace and cooperation from us. They should not be feeling angered, insulted, belittled or ashamed. Taking responsibility means that if we make one of our 5,000 mistakes, we quickly apologize. We are responsible to make sure people feel validated instead of invalidate because we tell they should not feel that way. We must come alongside them and their feelings. Ministering to others correctly would mean that if they did feel any of the aforementioned feelings that the feeling would not be a result of what we said or did to them. Those feelings would be attributed to their own conviction of what they have done or said to God or others, not from what we said or did to them. This kind of interaction comes after they have asked a question and/or invited in our point of view. Romans 12:17-18 (NIV) Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. James 3:17 (NIV) 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 3. Most importantly we are responsible how we make ourselves feel. Two of the fruits of the Spirit are feelings, joy and peace. We should be feeling joy from our situation, our finances, our health and our overall status in life. We should be feeling at peace with everyone. The thoughts in our head that we allow Satan to use are the thoughts that bring us fear, worry, anger, confrontation, division, embarrassment, shame, regret, revenge, dishonor, despair, hopelessness, exhaustion, tiredness and desire to quit. The only thoughts we should be allowing in our minds should only be thoughts that cause us to feel joy and peace. We are to have the mind of Christ, we are to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ, and we are only think of things that are true, noble and right. Galatians 5:22 (NIV) 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, Philippians 4:8 (NIV) 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV) 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
14 4. We must have a new frame of reference, point of view, paradigm when we look at events of our past, our past history or our current relationships or situations. Again I will say it in another way. We should constantly purpose to be aware of our feelings. We should purpose to actually be recognizing the thoughts that go through our mind and most specifically how those thoughts make us feel. If the thoughts make us feel anything other than joy or peace, the STOP. 5. We know when our frame of reference is not cooperating with God when feel things other than joy and peace. We must have a renewed mind. A mind made new again. New every morning, new every minute if necessary. A renewed mind is necessary to approve of God’s will in my life, without the renewed mind I don’t approve of God’s will and I don’t feel joy and peace. God’s will is perfect. God’s plan is perfect. He has put exactly the right people in my life to make me, me. All is as God wills it. God has given me the perfect parents, childhood, spouse, children, family past and present. It probably wasn’t comfortable. It probably wasn’t my plan; however, it was perfect for use by God. Romans 12:2 (NIV) 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 11:33-34 (NIV) 33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and[a] knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! 34“Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?” 6. God’s will is for us to be sanctified, to be made holy. God’s will is that we cooperate with Him in doing His work here on earth. God’s will is that we approve of His will so we can cooperate with him instead of dig our heels into the ground in a battle of will against God. God’s will is for us to approve of His will so we can surrender to His leading and cooperate with Him. God’s will is for us to see and acknowledge the perfection all around us, instead of being the kid screaming on the floor in the grocery store when we don’t get what we want. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 (NIV)3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified 7. If we keep the same frame of reference to our past and our history, then we will get the same results as Paul in Romans 7:15-23. The law of my mind in v 23 keeps me doing the things I don’t want to do, and keeps me from doing the things I want to do. The pattern, the dynamic interaction between myself, others and those events is not pretty or Godly. We go off “the deep end” quickly and regrettably. Romans 7:15-23 (NIV) 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 8. The events or history that we feel cheated out of or that bring us shame, regret, sadness, anger, etc. are the events that we must write down and one by one create a new reality around the whole event or history. What others meant for harm God uses for good. It is in our weakness that God can use us in his plan to evangelize and to bring comfort to a hurting world. God uses those events or history for us to “connect” with others with similar stories or history. God uses
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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that weakness so that we go alongside others and minister to them. Listen carefully God had a plan all along. The thorn in the side of Paul was NOT put there by God, it was put there by Satan! God’s plan all along was to use our weaknesses as our strengths. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NIV)7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Genesis 50:20 (NIV)20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Another way that way can get a new frame of reference is to not take things personally. Even if people said that they were doing it to us, they were doing it out of their frame of reference to their past not to us. The war is not between flesh and blood but with Satan. One more way to get a new frame of reference is through understanding that people only reacted with the capabilities they had at the time. Maybe their capabilities have grown, maybe not. Forgiveness takes one, reconciliation takes two. Still another frame of reference is pure gratitude. Gratitude to have lived through it, gratitude for Christ dying on a cross for us, gratitude for our salvation, gratitude for a current situation, etc. Our minds must be renewed so we stop looking at the present by looking at the past. Satan has convinced our view of the past is not the problem. The enemy has us certain that everyone else is the problem, they are too sensitive, mean, selfish, cold and unrepentant. The enemy has us thinking that forgiveness, unconditional love, gentleness and humility are useless and foolish. The enemy has us convinced that putting our foot down and forcing the situation is the only way. The enemy wants us to believe that this time will be like last time. The enemy has convinced us that we can tell the future and that we can actually read minds. The enemy has us believing worldly adages like: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. God wants us keeping no record of wrongs and for our minds to be renewed daily even hourly so that we can look at the present as the present free from past events. Stop looking backwards to try and move forward, it only has us tripping, falling into holes and banging into walls. Satan tells us that his plan is better, that God’s plan will hurt us. Satan tells us that he will give us everything and that God’s plan keeps things from us. Satan tells us that people don’t change. Satan tells us this time will be like last time. Satan tells us that we are excellent and proficient mind readers and future tellers. The enemy has us convinced that the wrongs done to us in the past is for sure going to repeat itself in the future. Be aware Satan wants us to stand firmly on our right to withhold love, forgiveness, affection or attention until we get the changed behavior we want. Satan tells us control and manipulation is the only way to get what we deserve. Satan tells us the God’s plan of forgiveness and unconditional love is stupid and worthless. Get discipling. Take classes. Read the Bible. Pray. Get other couples involved in your life and let them into your life so that we can get help seeing our “blind spots”. So we can get help seeing how we call evil good and good evil.
Tom and Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
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The Unveiling of Satan’s Lies & Schemes This is how I define the best way to minister to others. We must go to where the person is, and come alongside them. Then put out our hand, then once they take our hand we gently & patiently lead them where God wants them to go and to take the next logical step out of their emotion. We must minister to the Spirit, not to the flesh. We when we come alongside we must realize that we are all prone to or even slaves of behaviorism. Behaviorism (or behaviourism) is a systematic approach to the understanding the behavior of humans and other animals. It assumes that all behaviors are either reflexes produced by a response to certain stimuli in the environment, or a consequence of that individual's history, including especially reinforcement and punishment, together with the individual's current motivational state and controlling stimuli. Although behaviorists generally accept the important role of inheritance in determining behavior, they focus primarily on environmental factors. Our weakness and frailty have us leaning on behaviorism instead of a “Dt 6:5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength,” love for God the father. It also has us relying on ourselves and our behaviorist thinking instead of a reliance on being filled with God the Holy Spirit. Ephesians 4:17-18 tell us that behaviorist thinking is futile and separates us from God. “17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.’ The goal is to minister to the Spirit and get ourselves or others to live our lives and thinking through the lens of Gal 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” This has us with the cross as the center of our lives. This has reliant on the Holy Spirit to have the fruit of the Spirit, instead of us attempting to get results from our behaviorist thinking and attempts to control and manipulate others. There are basically 5 parts to interactions with people, when we/they are living out of the behaviorist thinking instead of being filled with the Holy Spirit. We can review these with ourselves or when we are trying to minister to others. I call this “the Unveiling of Satan’s Lies & Schemes”. Part 1 – The task to do, event or events that are happening or happened Part 2 – The thoughts and beliefs we already have in us from our story are then used to judge and assess or label the task to do, event or events. Our story or our past form our “Golden Rules”. These golden rules form our thought and belief system. This belief system is what we use to judge and assess all of the words, smells, sights, sounds, actions or things we touch. We judge and assess then label or describe to ourselves what we are sensing. Our thoughts, beliefs and golden rules must change. Job 11:4-6 We must put on our new self that is being renewed in knowledge in the image of the Creator. Col 3:10 This is where we have to take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. 2 Cor 10:5 Phil 2:3-4 This is where we need a renewal of our mind. Ro 12:2 We need to be transformed so we can have the feelings of Joy and Peace in step three. Phil 4:8, Pr 21:2, Eph 4:17-18, Ro 1:21 Only God can change our minds. We need God, we need the Holy Spirit to change our thoughts and beliefs. Dt 29:4, Phil 3:15 Our thoughts, beliefs and golden rules are set up because we have eyes and can’t see and ears and can’t hear what God wants us to see & hear. Isa 6:10, Mt 13:13-15, Isa 32:3-4, Isa 48:5-11 We must beg God through prayer and fasting to change our thoughts and beliefs. Only God can give us the capability to see what God wants us to see and to hear
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
17 what God wants us to hear. Once God has given us those capabilities and renewed our mind and transformed us then we don’t have to think what would Jesus do, we just do what Jesus would do! Part 3 – The emotions or feelings we have as a result of our thoughts and beliefs about the event or task to do. What are your feelings or emotions about the event? Two of the fruits of the Spirit are emotions. These are the only two emotions we should be feeling about any situation. Joy and Peace are the fruit of the Spirit and only come from God. Ps 16:10-11, Ps 30:10-12, Ps 126:1-6 God does this not by changing our circumstances, He does it by changing our golden rules, thoughts and beliefs so we then assign a different label to the event that brings us Joy and Peace. Joy and Peace is the fruit of the Spirit that surpasses all understanding. Phil 4:7 That means that until God changes how we view things we will not understand how we will have Joy and Peace in that circumstance. It won’t make sense to us how we could possibly have joy and peace in that circumstance. Jas 1:2 Joy and Peace that is the fruit of the spirit is not from excellent circumstances or from our careful planning or desire for perfection and certainty. The Joy and Peace that is from the fruit of Spirit means that our circumstances or what people are doing are not the source of the joy and peace. This is why in so many relationships people can only be as happy as people are treating them. 1 Thess 5:16 If people don’t follow our golden rules then we aren’t joyful or peaceful. Part 4 – The response we have to the emotion or feelings. Does our response match what Jesus would do? Do we consider the needs of others instead our needs? Phil 2:3-4 Do we resist? Do we defend? Do we Accept? Do we surrender to God’s will? Are we harsh or impatient? Do we respond with attempts to control or manipulate? Do we respond with attempts to change the other person’s thoughts, beliefs or behavior to match our way of doing things, to match our golden rules? Do we respond with minimizing or invalidation? Do we respond with the focus on us and getting what we want or do we respond with a desire to help and to serve? Is our focus on getting our money, our needs met, our golden rules being adhered to? Part 5 – The results or fruit of the response. Did we help the other person? Were we a source of lifting up or tearing down? Did we connect emotionally with the other person? Did we draw them in or push them away emotionally? Was there fruit of the spirit first in our feelings, joy and peace, then in our response love, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control? Did the other person feel that they were cared for or helped with patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control? Was your situation benefitted or hurt? Was their situation benefited or hurt? Would the person describe you as patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled, knowledgeable, caring and thoughtful? Those 5 parts are the breakdown of how interactions go with others. If we now want to minister to another, then here is the process to use. Meet them in their land and connect emotionally by coming alongside with validation. 1. Validate their thoughts and beliefs about the event. Look out of the same window they look through to see the world from their same perspective. Talk to them in their emotion and from their point of view. 2. Validate their feelings, this doesn’t mean condone. Say to them what they are already thinking or feeling. Give specific instances in your life that you have felt the same. 3. Validate their responses, this doesn’t mean condone. Say to them what they are already thinking or feeling. Give specific instances in your life that you have responded in the same way.
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
18 4. Reach out to them with questions about what they are blind and deaf to. Put out your hand, reach out to them with questions about what they do are blind and deaf to. Minister to the Spirit, instead of ministering to the flesh’s desire for behaviorism. To do this you will generally have to minister to them in a behaviorist way to gain trust and have them “hear” you. What were the words, actions or events that happened? What were your thoughts and beliefs about the event? What were your feelings or emotions to the words, actions or events? What then was your response or responses to the words, actions or events? What was the result or fruit? 1. How do you know that your thoughts or beliefs about the words, actions or events are true? 2. Can you read the minds of those involved in words, actions or events? 3. Can you tell the future? Your responses, reaction or feelings to the words, actions or events were probably based on your perception that shame, embarrassment or financial detriment would soon be linked to words, actions or events. 4. Can you see the connection between your closest relationships and your relationship with God? 1 Jn 4:20 5. Do you know what the fruit of the Spirit is? 6. How would the other person rate you in the fruit of Spirit in Gal 5:22-23 and in 1 Cor 13:4-8? 7. Can you tell me what God’s will is for you? It’s not Jer 29:11. That is God’s overall plan for us. He gets us there by making us more holy. 1 Thess 4:3 Sanctification is God’s will for us. Sanctification is uncomfortable. Making us more holy is uncomfortable. 8. What are your Golden Rules that you live by? 9. Can you see how you justify and rationalize, call evil good and good evil? 10. Can you see how you take things personally that are not personal? 11. Can you see your mutually exclusive paradigm in action? 12. In what areas does your mind need to be renewed? 13. How well do you take no for answer? 14. Do you take things personally, or do you understand that Satan is the enemy? 15. Do you understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation? 16. Can you see how what’s important to them is not important to you? 17. Can you see how you show that their thinking is not as good as yours? 18. Can you see the difference between God’s story and your story of your life? 19. Do you see how you want to control others and hold them to doing things like you would do? 20. Do you see how you want to manipulate others? 21. Do you see how you minimize their thoughts and feelings? 22. Can you see your inflexibility? 23. Can you see your desire for control? 24. Can you see your desire for certainty? 25. Can you see your desire for perfection? 26. Can you see how you invalidate what they do and say? 27. Can you see how no is not a complete sentence in your relationship? 28. Let’s go from abstract to concrete. Let’s go from your intentions, desires and feelings to the fruit and the consequences of your words and actions. What do you see? 29. Now that we are here what is the next logical step?
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me
19 Lead them out of their emotion and help them to take the next logical step. In the next logical step, they will make decisions about their trust and faith in God to overcome their emotions and then do what Jesus would do. This can only be done by being filled with the Holy Spirit. Have them see that the logic of doing the same they have been doing will only get them the same result. Have them come to the logic of God is all, the provider, the Holy Spirit is the only way to get the fruit of the Spirit. Logically you won’t get apples if you plan lemons. You won’t get fruit of the Spirit of you plant behaviorist seeds. 1. Now that we are here what is the next logical step? The next logical step would have you doing what Jesus would do. The next logical step would have you taking responsibility for how you leave others feeling. Jesus does not want us to hurt others intentionally or unintentionally. (Mt 7:12) The next logical step would have you making a change. Doing something differently. The next logical step would have you taking responsibility for seeing how your golden rules/thoughts/beliefs affected your emotions/feelings about the events. Those emotions and feeling then had you responding in a way that produced a result that did not bear the fruit of the Spirit. The next logical step would include the patience to let things unfold. 2. Can you take the next logical step even though you’re uncomfortable with it? Even though you still feel any of the following: shame, timidity, fear, doubt, grief, betrayal, anger, uncertainty, anger, frustration, unforgiveness, bitterness, idolatry, weakness, or regret. 3. Can you see that when you’re blind, deaf, inflexible, resisting or in denial that you are comfortable with something? Comfortable with something you wouldn’t actually say you should be comfortable with. 4. What have you already become comfortable with, that you shouldn’t be comfortable with? 5. Do you think that you could eventually get comfortable with the next steps even though now you still feel the emotions of fear, anxiety, anger, revenge, betrayal, grief, uncertainty, lack of understanding, faithlessness and lack of control? 6. What supernatural Holy Spirit capabilities do you need to have that you do not have now in your natural capabilities, so you can take the next steps? 7. What are God’s responsibilities? 8. What are your responsibilities? 9. Does God have this under control? 10. How can your trust in God grow? 11. How can your faith in God grow?
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love
Tom & Deborah Fonseca Authors of Do You Truly Love Me