How to Marry a Princess

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How to Marry a Princess

A Tom Weston Story


How to Marry a Princess

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t’s the old story. The son of King Andrew the Complacent, that would be Prince Pip, rode to hunt wild beast in the Western Forest and saw a maiden and promptly fell in love, as is the habit of princes. As expected, Prince Pip considered the maiden, named Jemima, to be the most beautiful girl in the kingdom, and in return, she fell in love with him. Well, who wouldn’t? It’s what maidens in these ancient tales always did. So, skipping over the details of the romance and getting to the crux of the matter, Prince Pip and Jemima wanted to get married, but King Andrew would not allow it.


How to Marry a Princess “The laws of our land decree that a prince of our land can only marry his social equivalent,” said the king. “That would be a princess, in case you weren’t sure. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the Maiden Jemima is the daughter of a peasant, not a king.” “But I am in love,” insisted Prince Pip. “What’s love got to do with it? It’s the law,” countered the king, waving Section 13 of Article 8 of the Constitution in the prince’s face. “Nowhere in the law does it mention love.” “You shall not stop me!” pouted Prince Pip and he stormed out of the castle. “Send for the Court Wizard,” ordered the king.

“You shall not stop me!” pouted Jemima. “I am in love with Prince Pip.” “What’s love got to do with it?” cried Jemima’s father, Lorin the Woodcutter (aren’t they always?) He did not have a copy of the Constitution, and if he had, he could not have read it, but he knew the law. You may have thought that the woodcutter would hold a more favorable opinion of a potential alliance to nobility. After all, imperial in-laws would give him bragging rights at the Green Dragon Tavern, and must be worth a pint or two at least, but whatever his misfortune and station in life, Lorin remained a proud and loyal royalist. He had sworn an oath of obedience to his king and country and he would not forsake that oath. Well, he hadn’t actually sworn an oath, not that he could remember. The oath preceded his birth. His parents had not sworn either, nor his grandparents. But someone, somewhere, sometime, long,

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How to Marry a Princess long ago must have taken the oath and that was good enough for him.

“Think of something before he gets away,” yelled the king at his wizard. The king, wizard at his side, watched from the battlements as Prince Pip rode from the castle and to the forest where his beloved Jemima waited for him. The forest, which contained the woodcutter’s humble home, stood on a hill between two valleys, carved by two rivers. The wizard considered himself one of the best in the business, if not the best then at least in the top one. The Wizards’ Guild had named him ‘Wizard of the Year’ not once but twice. He raised his wand and uttered a few indecipherable, wizardly words. The words were not strictly necessary, but the wizard wanted his clients to believe their money was well spent. A crack of lightning showed the spell had worked. The purple cloud which appeared over the forest seemed a nice touch, thought the wizard. The river waters bubbled and spread and in a matter of moments flooded the two valleys. And in just moments more, the land on which the forest stood became an island. The prince’s horse reared at the unexpected appearance of the water’s edge and threw its rider. The prince, bruised but mostly unharmed, climbed to his feet and looked across the newly formed lake to the newly formed island, where his true love, Jemima, gazed back at him. “You idiot,” cried the king. “You’ve just drowned an entire herd of my best, prize cattle.” Some clients are never satisfied, thought the wizard. 3


How to Marry a Princess At the lakeside, Prince Pip drew his sword. “Now what’s he up to?” asked the king. “Come on, we’d best get down there before he hurts himself.”

Prince Pip took his sword and hacked a few branches from the nearby trees. He then took the branches to the water’s edge and lashed them together with reeds he plucked from the water. To answer the king’s question, what Prince Pip was up to was raft building. The king, wizard and a handful of the king’s guard rode to the scene. “Stop him,” ordered the king. But the guards arrived too late and Prince Pip used his sword as an oar to propel his makeshift raft across the lake. “Stop him,” repeated the king. The wizard raised his wand. “And this time, spare the livestock,” added the king. The wizard considered his options and then picked up a stone, which he skipped across the water. He pointed his wand. A bolt of fire flew from the wand and to the stone, which turned to a ribbon of fire. The ribbon continued to skip over the water until it reached the raft. And when it reached the raft, the ribbon ignited the reeds which held the raft together. The raft broke apart and Prince Pip fell into the water. “Go and fish him out,” the king ordered the guards. Inexpert in the art of keeping one’s head above water, for a guard’s compensation package did not include swimming lessons, the guards could not retrieve the prince. But Pip, tutored from an early age in all manner of things deemed useful to a Monarch in waiting, including how to float, 4


How to Marry a Princess swam toward the island and the increasingly impatient Jemima. However, the weight of his armor tired him and threatened to drag him under the water. King Andrew looked imploringly at the wizard. The king said nothing, but the wizard knew an unspoken command when he heard one. He raised his wand again. A ribbon of ice left the tip of his wand, hit the water and began to spread, until the entire lake froze over and Prince Pip froze on top of it. The guards ventured cautiously onto the ice. It groaned under their weight and they retreated to the safety of the land. But Jemima, with her beloved in such peril, threw caution to the wind and ran across the ice to save the prince. Now the meager diet afforded to her over the years as the daughter of a woodcutter at last paid dividends, for she was light enough to reach the prince without breaking the ice. Alas, as she pulled to free him from his frozen prison, her dainty frame added to the weight of the prince proved too much. The ice groaned, then cracked, then shattered and Jemima and Pip disappeared beneath the surface of the lake. King Andrew repeated his demands of the wizard. “Your Majesty, I know this is probably not a good time to remind you, but the laws of magic, as with the laws of the land, cannot be broken. And the laws of magic state that a wizard, even a great one such as I, can only cast three spells per day.�

Pip and Jemima resurfaced from the frozen water and clung to the edge of the ice, but they could not climb out and it appeared only a matter of time before their strength would fail them.

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How to Marry a Princess The king paced up and down the lake shore line and demanded that someone do something to save his son. In frenzied response, the guards began to build a second raft, even as in their hearts they knew they would complete it too late. On the island, Lorin the Woodcutter saw the events unfold. He may not have had the command of a king, but he was a resourceful man nonetheless. He ran to his well and hauled up the rope and bucket. He detached the rope from the well and whistled. A black and white mutt of a dog, named Coll, scampered from the woodcutter’s shack and to his master. Lorin and Coll ran to the water’s edge. Lorin commanded the dog to take the loose end of the rope to Jemima. The dog obeyed and scurried to the ice. After a few stumbles and slips on the unfamiliar surface, the wispy and nimble Coll gained his footing and reached the hapless couple without further mishap. Pip and Jemima grabbed the rope. The lovers could still not extract themselves from the water. As they tried, the ice would splinter and break and they would fall back. Lorin did not possess enough strength to pull them out, but he managed to keep them afloat long enough for the king and the guards to reach them. And so after much confusion and splashing about, Pip and Jemima were saved.

The guards carried Jemima to her bed. Prince Pip slept in the bed of the woodcutter. The wizard nursed them. He knew that some warm blankets and hot soup would work as well as any magic. King Andrew and Lorin the Woodcutter sat by the woodcutter’s stove, shared a mug of cider, and as Prince Pip’s

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How to Marry a Princess wet clothes dried by the fire, they pondered what to do next. Coll sat at his master’s side and gnawed on his reward of a bone. The wizard appeared and the two men looked up anxiously. The wizard nodded. “A little rest, Your Majesty, and both the Prince and the maiden shall fully recover from their ordeal.” “Where did I go wrong?” asked the king. “Pip is a good son, but an idealist. He doesn’t understand the demands placed on the crown.” “I know what you mean,” said Lorin. “Since her mother went, I’ve tried my best to raise Jemima in the right manner, but she is headstrong.” “I am sorry for you. It’s not easy for a girl to grow up without a mother’s guidance. Did the plague take her mother?” “No, a passing merchant from the city, promised to show her the bright lights.” “If only you were a king,” sighed King Andrew. “If only you were a peasant,” sighed Lorin the Woodcutter. “But the law is the law,” they both sighed. “Your Majesty,” interrupted the wizard. “May I make a suggestion?”

A court wizard without magic may soon become a wizard without a job. The wizard had considered this dilemma. He also knew that magic had limits, and as a shrewd and cautious man, he understood that a few, carefully chosen words could produce an equally effective result. “Your Majesty,” said the wizard. “The law requires Prince Pip to marry a princess of equal rank, does it not?” “Yes, yes,” snapped the king. “We all know that. The problem is the Maiden Jemima is not a princess.” 7


How to Marry a Princess “What if she were?” asked the wizard. “What do you mean?” “If the Maiden Jemima were a princess, would you allow the marriage to proceed?” “Of course I would! I’m not a monster. I love my son. I want to see him happy, but the law is the law. It can’t be changed.” “The law may not be changed,” said the wizard. “But there is a solution to the problem.” “What solution?” “Make the Maiden Jemima a princess.” “Don’t be dim, she’s the daughter of a woodcutter, not a king.” “But if Lorin the Woodcutter was Lorin the King, that would make her a princess.” “You’re talking in circles,” said the king. “Have you not grasped any of our conversation?” “My solution, Your Majesty, is this: Loren the Woodcutter will rebel against his king.” “No, I won’t,” objected the woodcutter. “I swore an oath.” “We’ll, technically, you didn’t,” said the wizard. “But let me finish . . . The woodcutter secedes from the kingdom and declares that this island which we now occupy is a new kingdom in its own right, of which he is the king.” “You’re mad,” said the woodcutter. “No, continue,” urged the king. “There is a brief war, say a minute or two, at the end of which time, both proud and mighty nations, sick and tired of bloody conflict, shall beseech to you for peaceful settlement. A treaty shall be drawn up which cedes this island to Lorin and which recognizes his claim as the rightful king of this new realm.” “Can we do that? Is it legal?” asked the king.

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How to Marry a Princess The wizard nodded. “Therefore, as Lorin is now King Lorin and Jemima thus raised to the status of princess, the marriage to Prince Pip will also be legal.” “Wizard, I always thought your magic overrated,” said the king. “But I like what I hear. Fetch pen and paper.”

And so Prince Pip married Princess Jemima, and the law remained unbroken. The marriage was a grand affair, as befits the union of two mighty, royal households. Promptly after the marriage, King Andrew the Complacent declared war on his royal neighbor, King Lorin. The war was bloodless. No armies clashed. No cities burned to the ground. Next day, they settled the matter over breakfast. King Lorin abdicated his throne in exchange for a Dukedom and the two realms were once again united as one. Lorin even got to swear an oath of obedience to his king and country, which pleased him immensely. Prince Pip and Princess Jemima lived happily ever after, or so we are led to believe.

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HOW TO MARRY A PRINCESS Copyright Š 2013 by Tom Weston. All Rights Reserved. Visit www.tomweston.com for more Tales from the Green Dragon Tavern.


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